Heard on the RT the other day

[Whipping Boy's SATCO]

AC "Approach, Ascot 1234 on handover from Brize maintaining 2400'"

APP "Ascot 1234, Approach identified 2400' RIS, traffic one o'clock 2 miles manoeuvring".

AC "Roger, Brize called that one earlier, it turned out to be a firework. (laughter in the background)"

APP "1234 Roger, well this particular firework's sqawking 7000"

Any more anecdotal stories to lighten-up the forum?

[ 21 November 2001: Message edited by: Whipping Boy's SATCO ]

[Odi]

Similar tale to the one above. Relayed to me by a colleague.

Radar: C/S traffic right two O'clock no height, manouvering.
A/C: Roger, that will be the windmill - we know about that. It's always called to us.
Radar: Not when it is squawking 7000!

[chiglet]

ATC "Shamrock123 you are number two in traffic"
S123 "Roger Surr, is dat number one in front?"
or the comments of the [I think] AAL captain when his no4 engine fell off
"Well it kinda puts you off sex for a while"
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

[Spoonbill]

This one just 2 days ago:
Lady student, very well spoken, with instructor - "Gxx on final"
Me: "Gxx clear to land runway xx Surface wind etc...."
Lady student: "Roger, Gxx cleared to land runway xx, Christ and s**t! I've really made a f...king bollox of this one, it was all going so sodding well, oh well guess you better take control, what a stupid cow I am, you have cont..." (Realises she's still transmitting).
Aircraft lands and vacates, returns to the hanger without another word. Just as well 'cos I was on the floor. :D

[henry crun]

Two FJ's had just settled into the cruise at FL310 and 2 calls his leader.

"Red 1 Red 2, am I trailing" ?.

short pause while leader has a look.

"Red 2 Red 1 negative"
"Red 1 Red 2 roger, then you're on fire"

[PakoSpain]

"Barcelona, Barcelona, By-xxx, traficc aproaching at 10 0`clock. What kind of separation are you providing?"
Controller`s answer; "very short indeed, sir,
according to my salary, very short too"
It happened in 1.977.......

[The Jaguar Fan Club]

Not so long ago, in a North Sea Offshore Sector far far away at dusk,

Heli: "Radar **** just lifted from the **** 2000' for Aberdeen"

Radar: "**** roger no radar contact, Flight Information Service, No known traffic to affect you at alt 2000'"

Heli: "Roger, (in sarcastic voice) we are visual with the other (c/s) traffic passing down our right hand side descending!"

Radar: "**** that callsign descended in field 20 miles south of your departure point, I have no known traffic in your area, can you identify the traffic you have in sight?"

Heli: "Oh, my mistake, it must be a ship!"

:rolleyes: We try our best, but sometimes I wonder........ :rolleyes:

[aluminium persuader]

Here are a couple:

radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234
spit: Sorry sir, -ve transponder.

radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where spit says he is, at spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed.

Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lenghthy pause).
Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again?


Same place, different day.
radar: G-xx report position
C150: G-xx is about 5 miles north of the A14.

(For those of you scratching your heads, the A14 runs E-W from Birmingham to Felixtowe)
:D

[chiglet]

Many moons ago
Birmingham Approach, tis is Gxxxx. I've just overflown your airfield and I'm lost. Can you tell me where I am please?
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

[NudgingSteel]

Allegedly on D&D's frequency some time back...

A/C: "London, this is G-xx, solo cross-country, I'm lost and require assistance."

D&D: "Roger G-xx. What was the last point at which you were sure of your position?"

A/C: "Holding point A1, just before departure..."

[BEXIL160]

From a previous existance....

On trying to contact a female colleague to coordinate something she breathlessly said:I can't talk right now, I've got two non radio helicopters on my frequency

Amused, I hung up... :D

Rgds BEX

[Muppit]

Callsign: ***49WY

A/c - "Ground, Four Nine Wankee Yiskey vacated, God thats a mouthful!"

GMC - "Four Nine Wiskey Yankee, thats what your wife said last night, route via......"

Much laughter and incomprehensible readback from 49WY. :p

[matspart3]

From a distinctly foreign sounding student obviously struggling with English and the vaguaries of assymetric NDB training:

"XXX123T What are your intentions from this approach?"

"Er 123T, I want to break cloud and see the runway right in front of me"

[eyeinthesky]

At a regional airport a few years ago:

"Approach, XYZ request further climb"

"XYZ, Negative, maintain your level"

This a few more times, then:

"Approach, XYZ, if we don't get climb soon we won't be able to make our cruise level."

"XYZ, Approach, if you climb now into the opposite direction traffic you won't even make the coast!"

"Roger"

[ 22 November 2001: Message edited by: eyeinthesky ]

[ 22 November 2001: Message edited by: eyeinthesky ]

[Wee Jock]

Heard recently at a LARS unit...
'G-??, report you point of departure?'
Puzzled reply '...to get to XYZ?'

'G-$$, report your destination?'
Chirpy reply '..nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while..'
:D :D :D :D

[Captain Spunkfarter]

Old boy accent: Heathrow Tower, Good Evening this is Speedbird Concorde Two fully established Runway 09 Left.

Tower: Speedbird Concorde Two, Good Evening, continue approach 09 Left.

Midland pilot: Hi Tower, it's Midland Airbus 6AX following the Conc.

[whowhenwhy]

Take your pick:
"Hammer 21 request your POB?"
"Uhhhhhhh....say again sir?"
"Hammer 21 how many people on board your aircraft?"
"Standby sir!"
Pause measured in 2 miles on PAR
"Sir this is a single seat aircraft sir!"
Hoots of laughter, you can almost imagine Spam looking over his shoulder shouting, "Harry? You back there Harry? Oh s**t I'm alone again. Damn forgot!"

OR,

"Maybe we should have a round runway, then we wouldn't have to change runways so often!" Female AATC to gathered Sqn.
:D :D :D :D :D :D

Things are always worse than they seem!

[Jay Foe]

WWW you've stolen my story!!!! Either that or the F-**'s are really stupid :eek: :eek:

Anyway spill the beans, who's the girly AATC? :confused:

Suppose I ought to add one of my own. Puddle Jumper carrying out a visual recovery, Terribly Stressed Approach Controller

"What kind of visual recovery do you require"

Absolutely sure that the Controller wanted info on L/R base or St In Approach, however everyone else in App room fell about, Gits.

[surface wind]

A female ATCO

"Hawk 364 have you left my frequency"

Hawk 364 "Affirm!!!!"

:D

[whowhenwhy]

J, F**s have, on more than one occasion, been known to be slightly less mentally stimulated in the cockpit than you would expect. And you don't know the girly AATC she was down here!

Things are always worse than they seem!

[ayrprox]

A/c: Apc EZY123 with descending 6000

atc: EZY123 roger, number 3 40 track miles to run reduce speed 210 kts

A/c: eerrr... can we keep our speed up approach

atc: Affirm keep the speed up you're number 5 50 track miles....
:D :D :D

[PakoSpain]

Another one of the late 70`s.
A clever mind named the entry points at Majorca TMA with spanish fish names, two of them were "lisa" and "rape". Some pilots ask questions like "are we cleared to rape?".
Some Controllers used to clear planes to Palma via rape and lisa (raping lisa).

[Scott Voigt]

Going to Shreveport LA. You get to go direct KRACK going to the OM. Of course if you are going to Dallas Love field, we can ask folks if they have given Hawker XXXX the finger yet <G> (finger3 arrival)...

regards

[Mr Simple]

To USAF F-111
"Jazz54 confirm you're not on this frequency?"

To/from RAF Harrier trying to work out VFR conditions
"Bandit 3 what's your impression of the circuit?"
Bandit3 "Sorry I don't do impressions"

F111 in trouble squawking 7700
"Reno26 do you have a problem?"
"No problem sir, we're ejecting" :)

[ferris]

Controller is working his ring off.
US mil tanker chips in : "Ahh centre, Whist***** there's too much traffic up here at 350, we'd like to descend."
Unidentified:"Well stop refuelling them, that will reduce the traffic!"

[Over+Out]

When BA first started Shuttle flights with Tridents (HS21!) and B737.
Lon. Control: SHT7C, confirm aircraft type?
SHT Pilot: Stand-by.
Anonymous Pilot: SHT7C its easy, count the throttles, if you have 3 your a Trident, if its 2 your a B737.

[Echo Oscar]

me: Tower, G-EO downwind to land, 26

Twr: EO we're on 08 at the moment

me: Aaaah roger aaaah - then that'll be a right hand orbit followed by right base 08, G-EO

Twr: Thank you EO

doh!

[Phillipa Hole]

An A/A 767 arriving into BHX told by a female controller: 'American 123 descend to FL 200 to be level abeam WHI.'
American: 'Mam is that when ready?'
Snapped reply: 'Negative, if I had meant when ready I would have said when ready!'
Short pause:' Shoot, wasn't I married to you once!'

LHR to 146:' Expedite vacating BA 123 at 2 miles.'
146: 'RODGER'
BA 123 'Does the 146 Captain know the meaning of expedite?'
146: ' Does the BA Captain know the meaning of Foxtrot Oscar!'
:D

[ 01 December 2001: Message edited by: Phillipa Hole ]

[whowhenwhy]

Heard from an uninspired tower controller somewhere south of Ascension, to an F3 wishing to depart north IFR (and to all those who have not had the joy of being here, north is toward some pretty high highground).
"Eagle 1, tower, right turn out on departure approved, caution, terrain responsibility is your separation!"
"Uhhhh, roger tower!"
Damn, change 6 strikes again!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D

Things are always worse than they seem!

[West Coast]

Heard north of LAX a few months ago

ATC: "United xx if you can hear this transmission traffic no longer a factor"

[Perth Control]

Very Early one morning :

"Centre QFA 123 request"

"QFA 123 Centre, hum a few bars and I'll see if I know the tune"


:D

[RKHickson]

Clacton west sector frequency blocked (bad enough) by carrier wave ... suspected culprit military C130 crosser.
After 3 or 4 mins frequency clears:

Controller:"Ascot1224, London, you have been blocking this frequency. Do not transmit, and listen out on 132.49. I say again, do not transmit, and listen out 132.49"

Ascot1224:"Roger London, do not transmit, and listen out 132.49. Goodday...."..3 minutes of carrier wave. :confused:

[Avoiding Action]

An Imposter - don't believe a word he says, it's not me, 'cos he doesn't have the signature.....

Wanders off grumbling about the injustice of life!

:D :D :D :D

[ 06 December 2001: Message edited by: Avoiding Action ]

[mchao]

This was heard in the TWR simulator in the ATC school in Spain:

Sorry tower, for this runway we request different wind...

As far as I know ATC can't go that far ;)

[divingduck]

Hey Mark!! Oops (letting cat out of bag)That wasn't the flying Rat...that was Birdseed inbound Perth just past GEL...remember it well... :D

Heard today...
me :***** we have a problem, company traffic overtaking you, you can either climb or descend your choice.

pilot: Can I increase speed to stay ahead?(C130 being chased by a KC35 and 2xF16's)

me: Sure, if you can increse to about say...420kts g/s!

pilot: I've just got the engineer out bolting some more engines on the wing! I'll call you back shortly.

Gotta love a Herc pilot with a sense of humour.

[mcdhu]

Coming in to a secret military base to the N of LHR, the pilot of a 'VC5' minijet was asked by the controller, 'what type of approach do you require?' As quick as a flash, back came the Irishman, 'request PAR for controller training!'
Cheers
mcdhu

[BDiONU]

After talking down a U2, requested his departure details and was told "Requesting a right turn heading 370, climbing FL100!"

GA calling for LARS "I'm overhead Wales heading 320" Hhhhmmm.......

[really not]

Heard over the gulf a few years ago

atc this is c/s - request fl 600

reply - Buddy if you can make fl600 it's all yours!

Roger - descending fl 600

(Guess the aircraft type)

[NextLeftAndCallGround]

Remember reading this one years ago - no idea if it's true.

BAW 747 has just rolling out after landing at LL from an ILS approach.

TWR (trying to be helpful - of course): Just for information, you appeared to be slightly left of the centreline all the way down the approach.

BAW (after a short pause): Yes that's right, and my First Officer was slightly to the right of it.

[PakoSpain]

Just after an incident, pilot requested controller´s initials.
Controller: copy,please, Echo-Lima-Golf-Uniform.....
And sent the complaint against EL GUERRERO
DEL ANTIFAZ (The warrior behind the mask)

[Ready Immediate?]

Heard in a certain Scottish Airport today.....


Radar : AMM****, do you want to self position for the ILS or do you want radar vectors ?

Pilot : If you don`t mind we`ll turn ourselves on tonight.

....Followed of course by much amusement.... <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

[brain fade]

Going into BHX, positioning, radio quiet,
me: 'birmingham approach good evening, c/s, heading 090, FL90, type with lulu' (trying to be funny)
BHX: well its moo-moo now turn right, descend etc.
then later, 'for further amusement call director 128.97' or whatever.
pretty quick i thought

[Max Angle]

A hot summer afternoon at LHR in the 70's (or so I was told). Pan-Am 747 sruggles off the end of 27R, pops an engine and starts dumping fuel.

ATC. I see you have a problem Sir but you are not in a fuel dumping area and thats Windsor Castle straight ahead.

Pan-AM. Son, do you have a phone?.

ATC. Yes.

Pan-AM. Well you call the lady and ask her if she wants the fuel or the whole airplane!

[Eric T Cartman]

5 for the topic :
1) Glasgow Ground, late 70's : lady ATCO gets loud squeal in headset when 2 aircraft tx together & exclaims on frequency "ouch, that hurt !". Back came the response "it always does the first time dear !"
2) Liverpool Tower, late 80's : Manx Shorts 3-60 at holding point - C172 at intersection reports ready - lady ATCO replies "standby, I've got to get my shorts off first !"
3) Liverpool again : when asked on UHF if she could get wx for Cardiff & Bristol for mail flights, lady ATCA responded "I've already got bristols !" [ for Ozmates, check cockney slang dictionary or enquire in pprune chat :-)) ]
4) Scotland, last year : Airbus finished circuit bashing; training captain requested departure clearance which he said would be taken by u/t FO. Read out clearance followed by stony silence - "did you copy ?" says I. "Think he got it" says Captain. "Could you tell him he has to press the button, I can't see him from here when he nods his head " says I , followed by much mirth on R/T &, I suspect, one red faced FO.
5) Cargolux 747 waiting departure, watching Navy Sea King previously cleared for touch-and-go carry out auto rotation and go-around at low level in spectacular fashion. "Is that what you call a touch and go?" says CLX. " Yes" says I , "but you must remember usually when they do that, the runway is moving up and down !"

[nice line-up]

LOL, Cartman :) :) :)

[Max Angle]

Late at night, very quiet on the frequency,

a/c: God I'm f***ing bored!

atc: Who said that?

a/c: I'm not that bored

[DOC.400]

Not wanting to take the wind from your sails, MAX, but I think the reply was:

" I said I was f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid!"

One of my faves:

ATC to female pilot: "Will you take an intermediate departure or do you want the full length?"

Female Pilot: "I always take the full length"

[chiglet]

Master Radar Station, late '60s
Lightning Pilot....[Loudly]
XXX22 Fire one AND two
Femail u/t F/C...[calmly] "Roger,22.understand both missiles fired" <img src="eek.gif" border="0">
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

[romeowiz]

Remember the clippers?

"Clipper 131 your drifting off to the north, suggest to turn right by 3 degrees"

(B727, muttering)"Unable to do such little turns boy!"

"Roger, in this case turn right fifteen and turn back twelve!"

Only occasion I can remember a controller scoring against a clipper-captain.

[Max Angle]

Heard this one from a guy at work a few months ago. Who knows if it's true but as he said, it's a good story.

In the 60's at a German airfield an un-exploded bomb is dug out of a taxiway during some work. The airfield is closed and all a/c enter the hold. After about 30mins fuel is getting low and a
rather pompous BEA skipper is getting agitated.


a/c: Can you really give us no idea as to when we can make an approach. It's most inefficient.

ATC: Ah yes, but it is not our inefficiency. It is your bomb and it has failed to explode.

No answer to that I suspect.

[ 04 January 2002: Message edited by: Max Angle ]</p>

[ShyTorque]

Not on R/T but on phone recently whilst booking out with ATC at a well known Midlands airport.

Myself having just passed our sortie details to her, female asked:

"Are you returning today and if so what time - it's just that I want to do a strip for you...."

Followed by her sudden hysterical laughter, then mine as I also got the double entendre.

I replied that it was the best offer I'd had all day and could she oblige at 1600 hrs. More giggling at both ends of the phone! I was still wiping my eyes as I left the building :)

[callyoushortly]

Heard this very morning at a cold Scottish airport.....

Ground controller is telling all outbounds of a new weather report about a marked temperature inversion below 1000ft. 2 EasyJets and one BA A319 on frequency.

Easy's passed to tower and depart, then the airbus calls up tower asking.....

"Tower, it's Speedbird ... , does that temperature inversion apply to us or is it just for the Easyjets?" :)

If only I'd been quick enough to reply that we'd just had it put there for low cost operators!! :) :) :)

[Wet Power]

Sometime in the 1970's a Lufthansa 747 heading out for a N Atlantic crossing and working Scottish.

Scottish - "Lufthansa 430 traffic information is two Royal Air Force fighter aircraft operating in your two o'clock, range 16 miles, similar level"

Lufthansa - "Thankyou Scottish, could you make sure they do not get too close to me, thankyou."

Scottish - "Ehhhhhh, roger"

LH - It is just that I have ended up in the water once already in my life courtesy of the Royal Air Force and do not wish to repeat the exercise!"

[DOC.400]

From December's 'Classic Cars' in an article by Eoin Young on taking (Sir) Jack Brabham's Cessna 180 from Luton to Tasmania in the 1960's:

"My favourite memory...trying to raise the tower at Phuket.......then it was a grass field and the reason (the pilot) couldn't raise anyone was because nobody was there. (The pilot) thought perhaps he was mispronouncing the name and tried every variation over the radio until a very Australian voice boomed into our cockpit from nearby Butterworth airforce base in Burma. 'Whaddya want to do with it, mate? Pook-it? Fook-it? Or F**k it?'"

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: DOC.400 ]</p>

[driftwood]

My first ever call to Lydd ATC. Lady instructor beside me says "Well make your radio call now". Me with wailing voice:- "Oh Emma, I can't do it!". She with look of fury indicates my thumb on transmit button. Two blokes in tower standing up to see who = couldn't do it.

[Recover]

3 classics, which are way more than 3rd hand:

My favourite:

Centre: American XXX, descend flight level 150, reduce speed 250 knots and be level in 20 miles.

American XXX: Descend flight level 150 and speed 250. I reckon we're not going to be able to make it in 20 miles.

Centre: You got speedbrakes on that thing, right?

American: We sure do, but they're for my mistakes, not yours. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

--------------------------------------------------

LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.

USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.

LATCC: Affirm, USAir, decend to altitude 48000 inches.

--------------------------------------------------

And good ol' Berlin days:

BeaLine XXX: I say Berlin, do you have any turbulence reports lower down? It's so bumpy here that I've just stabbed myself in the nose with my dinner fork.

Berlin: Certainly. Clipper XXX, are you haffing any turbulence at flight level 80?

Clipper XXX: Well Berlin, I don't know. We haven't started eating yet.

.......Damn, why can't I come up with them that quickly?


And.......

Recover

[Eric T Cartman]

From the distant past ( what my boss calls "tumbleweed stories" !

1) At Preston Radar 1974 - working a TWA B707 which has just departed Manchester westbound . Phone call received from London Centre to say that aircraft going eastbound has just passed over the TWA and noticed that he still has his tail illuminated. I passed the comment to the TWA & got the reply "that sure is some radar you got down there !"

2) The only time I've got the better of an Irish crew ;-)
Liverpool, early 80's - B737 downwind on radar vectors having said he's expecting to go visual - Skipper says "the youngster in the right hand seat says he's got the field in sight , but I can't see it yet"
ATC - "roger, then he's recleared a visual approach and you can continue downwind"
Stunned silence for all of 5 seconds !

3)Same place again - US Army aircraft arrives at holding point. Me - "there'll be a short delay ; waiting release from the Centre "
Captain - " don't sweat it boy , I'm still finishing my lunch !"

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: Eric T Cartman ]

[ 06 January 2002: Message edited by: Eric T Cartman ]</p>

[cptn-bat]

Actual transmission a year ago:A 737 lands rwy 34 and before vacating atc says: "On the ground 16:41.For your information you have a ctot for departure at 16:49". The pilot goes without losing a second: "Roger that,may we line up rwy 16?" ATC(puzzled):Say again?

[Big Tudor]

Very, very humorous SNCO controller in Germany during late Eighties.

"Ascot **** are you aware of missed approach procedures?"

Aircraft skipper, trying to sound smart, then reels off a whole long list of everything about the airfield that he is aware of, high ground, pylons, etc.

"Roger all that, are you also aware of traffic now in your 12 o'clock at 5 miles, if not turn hard right now !!!"

Same controller returning from airfield inspection reports a number of rabbits in the vicinity of the VASI's. Smart young boy advises long in tooth colleague that they are now called PAPI's. "No boy, they are still called rabbits in my book".

[ 07 January 2002: Message edited by: Big Tudor ]</p>

[Shaggy Sheep Driver]

Manchester, a winters night in the early '80s. Approach, to an inbound 1-11:-

"speedbird 123 we've reports of light icing above FL50, severe icing below. Also turbulence, moderate to severe at all levels but particularly bad on final approach with windshear reported. Previous landing aircraft report loss and gain of airspeed in excess of 20 knots on final approach. Visibility is 1200 metres in hail showers. The runway is wet, braking action poor."

There was a silence, before Speedbird replied:

"Roger all that. You forgot to mention the flack!"


And one of my own, also at Manch in early '80s. I'm taxying a 172 from the southside to the north side freight apron (when it was near the domestic pier) for refuelling prior to going parachute dropping at Burscough. After crossing the main behind a landing 757, I was cleared to the freight apron. As I neared the main taxyway which I was to cross, another 757 was powering along it on his way to the 24 hold and didn't look like he was going to stop. So I transmitted:

"Tower, confirm Tango Sierra is cleared all the way to the freight apron?"

Back came the reply:

"Tango Sierra affirm. Break. Shuttle 2 Hotel give way to the Cessna right to left in front."

The big Boeing dipped its nose as it eased to a halt a little to my left. And the captian, looking down from his lofty lair, transmitted:

"My pleasure. Sail before steam!"

SSD

[Gonzo]

How about this then;

09R for departure, a BA 767 crossing a the far end. A 777 has been given a line up and wait, and is just crossing the Cat I bar. I turn around to co-ordinate with ground, and then look at my strips to check on slots, SIDs etc, to decide on my order. I look up to see the 777 on the roll passing 40-50 kts. Quickly check the BA 767 has vacated, which he has. I go in to clear the 777 for take off, and just as he is rotating he replies: "Roger, we are rolling".

Doh! <img src="eek.gif" border="0">

Gonzo.

[autothrottle]

WOOPS!

[sky9]

Back in the early 70’s Rhein had a 2 number transponder code with no height readout. (eg 5400)
Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350"
Rhein "Confirm level?"
Phantom 4 confidently "FL350"
Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions"
Phanton 4 "…..Er Standby"
Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)"
Phantom 4 "…………….Er Standby"
Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS "
Phantom 4 " Er…. Oh Sh*t self destruct"

Deathly silence.

[niknak]

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" /> Heard it only this morning, working a BE58 going from there to here, (names not published to protect the innocent), every time the pilot transmitted there was a background howl.. ."Gxxxx, you appear to have some feedback on your transmissions". ."Approach Gxx, that's not feedback, it's the dog telling me he wants to go out.., things are getting a bit ripe in here.."

[bagpuss lives]

One from a few days ago :. .. ."Aircraft squawking radio fail on 128.*** do you have any further problems and would you like to divert to Newcastle or Teeside?". .. . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="biggrin.gif" />. . . . <small>[ 04 March 2002, 21:25: Message edited by: niteflite01 ]</small>

[Standard Noise]

Heard at BHD recently:-. .. .Ba46 asks for push and start.. .Tower "***975 do you have a tug?". .Pilot "In what sense, a noun or a verb!?". .. .Cue much laughter in the VCR and app room, not to mention cackles from the other smartie tube drivers.. .. .Sleeping's permitted, dribbling isn't!

[Guy D'ageradar]

Another 3rd+ hand oldie from Cranfield, I believe:-. .. .G-xx downwind.. .. .G-xx report final No. 2 follow the xxx ahead. . .. .G-yy (female instr.) to G-xx you can come inside me if you like.. .. .Obviously followd by much hilarity and no shortage of volunteers!. . . . <small>[ 07 March 2002, 21:13: Message edited by: Guy D'ageradar ]</small>

[VATSIM-UK1]

Thanks for the chuckles chaps - surprised I've not seen this one - probably an urban myth badly recollected.. .. .EDDK ATC "Speedbird xxx Vacate Right and hold block xx, GND on 121.80". .BAWxx "Right and hold block xx". .Ground "Taxi via (whatever)for stand xx". .BAWxx ""Taxi via (whatever)for stand xx". .Short Pause - Speedbird has not moved. .Ground "Speedbird xxx, is there a problem sir.". .BAWxx "No problem sir, just checking our ground charts". .Ground (rather indignantly) "Have you never been here before!". .BAWxx "Once sir, 1940's, didn't stop though". .. .Dan

[Wig Wag]

VATSIM-UK1:- I think Pontius got in with that one !. .. .Legendary story from Downunder:. .. .Sydney Approach to Speedbird ***. .. ."Speedbird *** contact the tower on 123.45"". .. .Next call from the Speedbird:. .. ."Sydney Tower this is Speedbird *** nine miles finals and visual with the island.". .. .Quick as a flash:. .. ."Roger Speedbird ***, once round the island and you're cleared to land!"

[recommended spacing]

From last summer at EGPF. .. ."Ground Midland*** runway vacated". .. .GMC: " Midland*** taxy stand 25 caution there is a hole in the taxiway abeam stand 23". .. ."Midland*** taxi stand 25, roger the hole". .. .Female BRT pilot :"Anytime you like big boy"

[Whipping Boy's SATCO]

Heard yeterday afternoon:. .. ."GDA123, report passing 6000ft". .. ."Passing 6000ft in about 5 seconds, GDA123". .. ."Roger, report passing 6000ft". .. .Considering there was a perfectly good mode C readout, how pedantic is that?

[Wig Wag]

Chicago ATC:-. .. ."American 437 ,Eany Meany Miny Mo, . .How'd you read my radio?"

[Check 6]

Heard this afternoon at NAP:. .. ."Lufthansa XXX, Napoli Tower I have some bad news and some good news.". .. ."Napoli Tower, Lufthansa XXX go ahead.". .. ."Lufthansa XXX there has been a strike by the ground handlers at the airport, but it is over now. The bad news is there is no parking available and you have to land somewhere else."

[Just Simply Perfect-318A]

Two for the collection:. .. .Approach to Tower..."has the non-radio A/c called you yet" !!. .. .Tower..."Harvard formation, what is your aircraft type?". .. .enjoy . . JSP

[Ausatco]

Male controller to female counterpart .... .. ."Can I turn hard right inside your Shorts?". .. ."Drinks and dinner and I'll think about it.". .. .AA

[Pointer]

Heard this one a few weeks ago when the winds where up to o lets say 30 kts with gusts going over fourty. full cross!!! . .. .during short periods the winds would ease up a bit. the place..? London City. .. .a 328 sits at the departure end awaiting release and a regional 146 is on final app to RWY28.Its getting a bit close so the controler calls for a goaround for the 146. twice...three times..a fourth time...no awnser.... .. .the 146 go's around(250' above the 328) and the tower calls the 146 again trying to establish communications.... .. .calmly the 146 reply's....."tower go ahead". .tower explains he was calling for a 'go-around' several times and asking why he did not reply?. .. .awnser:.."don't understand 'go-around'???.."

[romeowiz]

A similar situation: Twin Cessna gets landing-gear trouble after landing and is unable to steer off the runway, little C152 on short final behind is told to "go around" but does not answer. Controller gets nearly mad and is almost shouting "go around there is a twin Cessna on the runway. No Reply. Pilot lands on the numbers, taxies around the stranded twin and off the runway.. .He went around it!!!. .Controller stuck by heart attack, probably.

[stonefish]

Never ceases to amaze!. .. .Emrats xxx inbound DXB on STAR."uh...dubai arrivals..what's our distance from touchdown?". .Dubai arrivals "What's the FMS say?". .Emrats xxx "45 miles". .Dubai arrivals "sounds about right to me!!"

[ferris]

Watching the inbounds being sequenced by a neighbouring country (always interesting) prior to acceptence, when the first aircraft in the string SGC**** does a dirty right turn at FL350 near TOD. Ring the controller to see what the problem is:. . "He don't pay attention to me, so I punish him. Give him orbit." (orbit at FL350 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> ). .Finally receive SGC**** (now at the tail of sequence and 14 minute delayed). "Hope you enjoyed your experience of ****** Control" "He very nasty to me- don't know why".. .. .If it wasn't so funny it would be serious.

[ImNot]

Here are a few from an e-mail that has been doing the rounds. Apologies if you have seen them before.. .. .The controller who was working a busy pattern told the B727 on. .downwind to make a three-sixty.. .. .The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two. .thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?. .. .Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four. .thousand dollars worth!". .. .A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his. .approach speed just a little too high.. .. .San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.. .If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a. .right at the light to return to the airport.. .. .Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on. .124.7.". .. .Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the. .way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far. .end of the runway.". .. .Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure. .on124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?". .. .Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and. .yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our. .caterers." . .. .I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in. .Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the. .junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't. .recall the call signs any longer). .. .Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?". .. .Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English.". .. .Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in. .Germany. Why must I speak English?". .. .Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you. .lost the bloody war!"

[eyeinthesky]

Another on reported a few years back:. .. .A USAF C130 at the holding point at EDDF notices that the Lufthansa 747 in the holding bay in front still has the gear pins in place.. .. ."DLH xxx, Reach XXX, come up on 123.45". .. ."Ve are german professional pilots and ve do not exchange chit chat on unauthorised frequencies". .. ."Tower, Reach XXX, tell the professional pilot in the big jet that he's still got his landing gear pins in"

[Hermie]

From Singapore / Changi(WSSS). .. .Recently .... .. .Arrival frequency, aicraft 15 miles from touchdown. Aircraft calls Arrivals.. .. .SQ193 : Can you see this !. .. .ARR : What's that ?. .. .SQ193 : You got to see this !. .. .ARR : For your information, I'm working in an enclosed area.. .. .SQ193 : My apologies, by the way the weather is building up at our 5 O'Clock. . .. .ARR : You could have told me to look at my Weather Radar. Cleared for the ILS Approach 02R, call when establish. .. .SQ193 : Thought, you were not equipped with this features. Cleared ILS Approach 02R, call when established.. .. .ARR : ..... .. .3mins later.... .. .SQ193 : Established localizer 02R.. .. .ARR : Continue approach, contact tower 118.6 (Irritated Voice). .. .--------------------------------------------------. .. .Quite hilarious actually ... . .. .Cheers,. .Herman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="cool.gif" />

[niknak]

Heard about this one many years ago.., when the ATIS was not computerised and a human voice was required. I don't know if it really did happen but I'd like to think it did;. ."Aberdeen Approach this is DANAIR F**king 154". ."Station calling, say again!". ."Aberdeen this is DANAIR F**king 154". ."DANAIR 154, Aberdeen, use standard R/T phraseology, pass your message". ."I will when you do - listen to the ATIS". .Atco listens to the atis, while the weather is being broadcast and in the background, clear as a bell, you can hear "Where's the F**king DAN154?". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[WX Man]

Here's another one for you:

DLH123: ***RDR, DLH123 requesting higher
***RDR: [stressed] DLH123, Shut up break break EWG155 contact APP...

... it was only in the sim though!

[Speedbird252]

The Pilots of a PanAm 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground and a British Airways 747:

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.

Ground: " Guten morgen. Taxi to your gate" The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
G: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
SP:"Standyby ground, Im looking up the gate location now."
G: (with typical German impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
SP: (Coolly) "Yes, in 1944, but I didnt stop."

Nothing personal, just funny.

Regards all.

[Short Approach?]

A mate told me this one the other day.

It must have been some years ago. A real yankie flying a freighter into some German airport for the first time.

He recieves a rather long and complicated taxi clearance by a very busy famale controller.

Reply: " Uhhh sorry mam could you say again?"

TWR: Repeats the clearance followed by: "What´s the matter havn´t you been here before?"

Reply " Well mam... I was here twice in ´45... didn´t land though"...

[WX Man]

Another one (extremely recent) from the world of computerised aircraft and student ATCOs...

***123, Traffic is a 737 crossing right to left, descending, he'll pass about 1/2 mile in front of you, but that's OK because I'm not being assessed on separation yet!

[Bev Bevan]

WX Man..

..and there's plenty more from where that came from :D :D :D

[WX Man]

Fire away...

[RobertS975]

Boston Center: UA Air 555, enter hold Fall River NDB, southwest at 11 thousand, expect further clearance at 55.

No Reply...

Center: USAir 555, did you copy?

Another pause

US Air 555: Uh, neither of us know how to do that!

[Bev Bevan]

ok WXMan...

"Tug 3 downwind"

"G-xxxx continue approach, vehicle on touch-and-go"

"golf-whisky-taxi, tango to holding point echo 2"


:D :D :D

[Cuddles]

XXXXX you're identified, the Yarmouth regional is (realised just at that moment that the a/c isn't in fact in the yarmouth ASR) immaterial, however the Humber regional is XXXX


Cue delay in readback from crew for obvious reasons

[GoneWest]

Liverpool, 1980's.

US Military had some sort of operation at Burtonwood - just off to the NorthEast of the zone....... arriving for an ILS app runway 27, in a King Air, with the callsign "Lord xxx".

Cessna 172 (G-MALK was downwind in the visual circuit, doing touch and go's). Instructor in Cessna was monitoring Approach frequency in headset - whilst student and same instructor were working tower on loudspeaker....

Twr: "G-LK, ILS traffic at 5 miles, report traffic in sight."

G-LK: "Wilco, G-LK"

Pause.

G-LK "Hallelujah"

Twr: "G-LK, say again???????????"

G-LK "I have seen the Lord!!!"

(edited to put Burtonwood in the correct quadrant)

[Liobian]

And also at Liverpool, in the sixties, the following came from within the curtain around the radar position;

"Roger golfxxxx, you are identified; what's your position ?"

Took a while to live that one down..................................... :D

[chiglet]

The reply wasn't
5 foot 7 and sitting in the left hand seat, by any chance?:D :D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy