On Long Haul Flights I....
 

Read this post...

Dude- what post?

How can one be bored?
 

This thread is soooooo good, I can't help joining the pack for a good howling.
I feel a bit shy though and ashamed to come and say the truth about my activities on a long haul flight, as they are really not half as funny as yours.
After the top of climb, I start by consciously analysing each and every one of the lower eicas pages, with a loooooog staring at the door page, until either a door open indication appears or the screen blanks on its own.
Then I take the paper work out of the hands of Nigel-amnida, and fill up thouroughly all the blanks, i.e. eta's FL's, fuels etc...TWICE. Then comes the tech log and the pilot reports, the latter requiring a lot of concentration and imagination. Two or three pages on this report will take me to one third of the cruise, and the satisfaction that it will ennoy terribly the chief pilots assistant who has to read it. Time for meal: ten minutes fiddling in the galleys, programming the ovens, choosing a drink in the fridge; that would p1$$ off Mrs Butterfly. After that, back to the paper work with a light humming sound till Nigel falls asleep. Adjust his head rest so he won't choke from his adam apple, switch off his receivers and dim his panel lights and I am ready for some fun.
First punch 23 spaces in his MCDU, so he will think it is bust when he wakes up and the plane is totally mine! Then add 20.000lbs in the ZFW, so he won't start climbing above the altitude I have decided to fly while I go sleep. Finally, move the destination approach plate of his route book in another place, so he will have to yield his sector's approach and landing.
Meal is ready, and as Nigel is still sleeping, I get all the ice cream for myself, and an excuse to keep the new Javanese trainee CC in the cockpit, for p1$$ed off Mrs.Butterfly won't talk to me for the rest of the trip; She has kimchi-garlic breath anyway. The Javanese CC's name is too long for this thread, so I'll call her Foossy. She has to stay in the cockpit as long as Nigel sleeps, for obvious safety reasons, and that will give me a chance to tell you that it is none of your business what we end up talking about. Nigel wakes up just in time for my rest time. I am not sleepy, so he can (has to) take second rest period, won't be able to sleep and will be knocked out for descent and approach. One out, one to go.
Senior Nigel-aseoo takes his seat and goes straight to sleep without any tricks on my part, as he took first rest period without being sleepy and spent 3and1/2 hours in first class, watching "Friends" three times (subtitles were in German) and a complete report on the sexual fantasies of Kim Jong Il. Foosy has to stay in the cockpit to keep me awake. Goes and get me some green tea, ice cream, hot towels and ends up giving me shoulder massage. Prelude to lay-over. Nigel-aseo wakes up for bladder call. Suggest I should request climb. Too heavy, we stay. Does not believe me and checks MCDU. Strange figures. Not a word. Goes to pee, comes back in his seat and falls asleep before his seat belt is locked. Foossy has left my shoulders and is now massaging more and more mildly my neck. Too much tail wind. Changes cost index from 150 to 60. Foossy has moved back to the CM3 seat. She does not wear those §#*$& support tights, but real genuine parisian suspenders. At the hotel, she will share the room with her class mate. She poo' gi'l. Boy fliend no goood wid he'. Need kind man. OK, Cost index back to 200 and hurry now.
Rest time for Sir. Sir will go sleep on a crow bar. No good for morale. Sir takes the FOM with him in the bunk coz he forgot his melatonine.
Slept like a log without tech stop. Mrs. Butterfly is in the flight deck keeping Nigel-aseoo and Nigel-amnida awake, all three smoking fermented menure, with the smoke evac vent full open. IMC inside the cockpit.
Taking back my seat, ZFW back to the initial one, and enjoying the one hour flight left to landing, well rested, alone, happy. Had no TV, no Nintendo, no e-mail from my wife to answer, no Pat-Pong floor show, but did I enjoy this flight!
How can you guys get bored on a long haul flight?
L
PS, all this is seriously true, except the part with Foossy suspenders: She wore self holding stockings.

oh gosh, I wish I had an imagination! :ugh:

Actually, what I REALLY do on long haul flights. Sad but true......



http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthr...g+haul+flights

That's.....er....really nice, but I think the question was aimed at pilots! Not SLF issues.

It's the notebook for me.

Half of it practising my approach at destination airport with MS Flt Sim. The other half on Adultfriendfinder.

wow, you guys sound like you have a lot of fun!!

cant wait to fly the big jets!!

Capt.- learn to distinguish reality from wishful thinking! There are some fibbing toads on this bulletin board, and I'm one!

Not me!
Long haul flying is a serious business!

haha, k then, your funny fibbing toads x

That's GLSLF thanks. Good Looking Self Loading Freight. But what can I say....:cool:

Not merely handy, but absolutely necessary. How else is one supposed to find the runway? Though I dunno what I'm going to do the day the internet connection fails at TOD :}

Do you have test buttons that go beep? Kinda like the fire bell test? Could you tap out tunes with it?

Love it! I narrowly avoided spraying tea over my laptop while reading your post. Classic! :ok:

Of course you can also help to relieve the boredom for us SLF as well by announcing, in your best Pythonesque captain's voice, "There is absolutely no cause for alarm".

Old Smokey - (You never know, someone MIGHT come up with a serious answer)

.. I suspected that that would be unlikely ...


Rainboe - There are some fibbing toads on this bulletin board


.. unless this passes muster ?

It says 'moderator' under thy name lad.....how do I know you're really one?


(Sound in the background of '7 day ban' button being pressed!)

.. aaah, Neddy .... and the disguise was performing so wonderfully well ..

... exits stage left, muttering curiously to self whilst checking that fundamentals are all present and accounted for ...

Clarence OveurPRESS RELEASE from Airbus Retro Systems Engineering
We are glad to announce that the HUD interface adapter for the IFE is now available. This will project the movie across the two main windows and, for IMAX, the side screens as well.

The main advantage of showing the movie on all four screens is best appreciated with the polariser option. This ensures that the newly installed mgmt video camera cannot see the movie. What will be seen is both pilots continually looking around them and 'observing' out of the four screens. Occasionally, one of them will point out a feature to their colleague and it will be assumed that the feature is traffic or CB when it is actually CD or DC (Cameron Diaz or Daniel Craig, depending on the nature of the crew operating the sector).

Long-haul flights in other aircraft.

ATR 72. Cargo.
2:15 legs - done some ferries with the pax version ATR42 6:45 and plus. Activities:
CARGO: Once in cruise get the box out from behind F/O seat. Put on pedestal after making sure a towel box is in place so the box does not touch the switches. ATC volume to max - headsets off. Light up the chart light on the yoke and fix a large paper towel on the chart holder. Fix the other end with your tie clip to your shirt.
Then start unpacking the box. Top layer fresh bread from bakery next to the hotel. Next layer the fresh very thin cut italian Mortadella and "real" salami - mmmmhhh.
Bottom layer the drinks - Mineral water and orange juice of course!
Spend the next hour or so eating and chatting. Maybe answer "one" ATC call. Then pack the drinks back into the box. Use one sick bag as trash bag. Clean up. Refreshing towels, and back to work. Briefing etc. before TOD.
PAX version:
Is day flights most of the time. Take pictures. Cockpit, Captain napping, F/A standing in the door with puzzled look. FL 250 at 180 kt IAS and 330 kt GS (which is about 60 kt tailwind in an ATR and as high as you can get :) ) Recheck the limitation of FL 250 in the AFM. Trigger the anti-skid test with the single gong and some blinking to wake the boss. Makes always for some confused looks :}
Fuel checks, Nav checks, Com checks. Try to rise some guys in the big jets flying above to use as relays in remote areas. Daydream of having a table in front of you instead of the yoke which would make for more comfortable reading. Have a look at weather radar. Watch the sunset/rise, stargazing.

Surely you have a bucket of oysters, and a Chablis packed in ice? We do.

Killing away the time on those "boring" phases
 

ITS ONE THING TO KEEP THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE COCKPIT AMENABLE...its quite another to fart away the time and indulge in the kind of non sense that has been depicted in these postings..there must be an element of truth in it i suspect, i dont think they are entirely joking!I know of a situ where the capt went to sit his poterior in First Class indulging inrevenue service amenities while the cockpit door was locked on a quiet night between Jo-burg and D-ars-alaam; George was dutifully engaged and behaving pristinely....and dutiflly abiding to the definition of Cock-pit...the F.O. was having "his own" pampered along and getting a fully fledged pneumatic9or shall i say hydro-pneumatically) thrusts by one of the hornier cabin screws...it unbelievably happenned!

I resent you guys who piss about such valuable quiet and blessed time(for it is problem free aint it??) where you can discuss CRM case histories or go through sim session debriefings or consult the ops manuals..or etc and always monitoring the flight path ahead and below you always keeping a running picture of what you would exactly do should the stinking stuff hit the fan blades.I am disappointed because some of us love flying but inspite of all the investments in time,effort, and money we have sacrificed to develop this career we still are at the behest of getting a break and are in the meanwhile dreaming flying through no faults of our own and having to resort to MSFS and the occasional stint on a real sim to keep our passion and professional focus going.
NEXT TIME YOU FEEL BORED...JUST THINK OF THAT POOR CHAP AWAITING EAGERLY IF NOT DESPERATELY TO GET HIS/HER NEXT OPPORTUNITY TO SIT IN A COCKPIT AND MANIPULATE THE CONTROLS AMONGST A PROFESSIONAL CADRE TO GET AIRBORNE EVEN AT SOME NON GLAMOROUS AIRFIELD..JUST PAUSE FOR A MOMENT AND THANK HEAVENS THAT YOU ARE THERE PRIVILEDGED TO CONTINUE DOING THAT..I USED TO TAKE SUCH QUIET CRUISE MOMENTS AND HUMBLY OFFER THANKS FOR BEING UP THERE..EVEN IF ON AUTOPILOTAND EVEN IF THE OTHER PILOT WAS A STINKING AHRS-HALL!

Pilots get paid far better than the average professional in any country you might consider to compare...I am sure it is not for the skil of farting around,browse magz,your note books or to get jerked off...that blow job could turn into an unprepared blow out should justice get its way!

Lets keep it professional...all professions are goverened by ethics and ours...if we dare call it one, shouldn't be allowed to degenerate.Society look up on us as though we carry magic about us.Lets keep it that way I suggest.

http://www.pprune.org/forums/images/icons/mpangel.gif

Oh My, Oh My!
May I suggest a massive dose of Vitamin B complex (1 to 12), in a salad of Prozac and Panadol? Do not be stingy on the Prozac hey!

I like to play the "screwdriver" game.

What you do is each person takes turns in removing a screw from the overhead panel. Any screw will do. You lose when the first engine stops.

My record is 72 screws before an engine stopped.

My UAV got no cockpit

Ok time to go and feed the monkey at the terminal, got stuff to bomb (damn monkey typed in Somalia instead of Southend)

Ah yes, we like to call it "PILOT RESPONSE ROULETTE". To see which switches or buttons u can push without cancelling the message, great fun! Particularly on those long Pacific flights which dont have any radio calls and datalink is doing its thing!

I also like to see how many spins of the nosewheel tiller I can get in one go. Pisses the other bloke off a bit though!

All good fun!

As SLF, I may never sleep on a long haul again...
Well, unless the CC stops serving wine anyway :)

Long Haul Fun and Games
 

:) Great post gang. I'm not sure if there are any 737-200s flying today but here is a fun thing for the guys on 737s to try. When I flew the 200s, there was a nice eyeball vent near each side window. This is a very useful device. Before the days of 9-11, we used to do magic tricks with this vent. To wit: Extract a spare lightbulb that is of some size...the one used for the overhead map light works nicely...now..open the 'eyeball vent' full bore...you might have to turn on the gasper fan, if you've had it turned off...I used to turn the thing off and on to annoy the biscuit pushers...anyways...take the light bulb and hold it about 3 inches from the center of the eyball vent IN the stream of air...now...slowly let go of the bulb. The rest is magic!!!! I won't tell you what happens..but my record is 5 hours until I hit some turbulance...darn...and it impressed the heck out of some of the 'dollies' that used to come up and ask dumb questions.
I have not had the same luck with the 777 though...not enough airflow going through that vent...I suggest someone come up with a mod for that.
The camera function on the -300 serves as a great interface for my iPod with video..I've found that I can stream podcasts quite nicely, now that I've been among the first to receive the new iTV from Apple. The resolution is excellent. Boeing had it right when they upgraded the LCDs a few years ago. The black contrast makes watching trailers and some of those old favourite 'Debbie does XXXX' movies' a real treat while ploughing through the rock and roll on the NOPAC route. Its a real blessing that we don't have to interrupt movies and extracurricular activites to send position reports. ADS is great, isn't it?

We have had our Sony Playstation plugs adapted for the Nintendo Wii.

Unofortunatley the AAIB are now involved, we have had some Wii controllers put through ECAM displays, Captains inadvertantly smacked round the head with a controller and lots of FOs off sick due to RSI of the shoulder and elbow.:ugh:

My own personal favouritites on the bus are:
Cockpit Jenga, similar to one previously mentioned, using the overhead panel, take it in turns switching something off until the other guy bottles it and feels the need to switch it all back on!
Battleships: Really good one for mid pond, using the MCDU and the waypoint function. Pilot 1 enters a waypoint (place bearing dist) from a random wpt apearing on screen. this he calls TARGET. pilot 2 using a different wpt, then has to take a series of shots at the target again using the PBD wpt function. This is usually good for half an hour or until you fill the database up with meaningless wpts.
Also knew a guy who dedicated his life into seeing how quickly he could get the girls to reveal information on how they were waxed (you know the thing R/W strip, hollywood etc) you'd be surprised:eek:

Long haul fun and games
 

[QUOTE=777AV8R;3068661]:)

Yep, worked fine on all the -200. We wiw some contest on the flight deck with that trick: reduce the vent opening slowly and carefully to lower and then lift the bulb; another one, tricky though, was to turn the gasper fan on and off quickly enough to "dip" the bulb without letting it fall down.

Depends what airline your in. When I flew long haul I have to say most the crews were fairly laid back.
A Sony PSB and Ipod were certainly must have items for entertainment.
If you got bored with that there was an endless supply of porno mags in the back.
I don't know what would have happend to us and the aircfaft if the plane was searched by the "religous police" during our many transits through Dubai!!!!!!!!!!

Didn't think of that...
 

[QUOTE=Lemper;3070264]Hey Lemper..cycling the gasper off and on is a grrrreat idea! BTW..I tried this magical feat on my 777 today:* the outlet doesn't provide enough airflow. Setting this task up was kind of fun though. My F/O, who doesn't understand these finer points of flight, couldn't figure out what I was doing and actually asked me if I was trying to install a lightbulb in there. Actually, come to think of it, it would be a great place for a second map light...

.. doesn't everyone put a light in the gasper ? .. so that you can find the gasper for adjustment at 0-dark-30 without waking up your colleague ?

If you fly Turboprops try this at night........

With the cockpit lights off, stick your forehead hard against the coaming and stare at the efis..................

It'll amuse you both for hours.

Doesn't work on jets.

THAT'S OUR GAME> Since its hard to count (and effort) we just time it..

Have visited a cockpit where one Captain was using the ACARS to play strip poker with another Capt in another aircraft. Game must have been going on for a while as he was only wearing his socks.

Just coming back from the end of the Middle Empire, and got myself re-pressed (after the depression caused by 'Rumours & News' posts), in getting up to date on this thread. Jaw pain and tears of laughter.
One very entertaining one we had on my last trip was the "Who sleeps with whom in the company" gossip, followed by "How would it be if Thisone slept with Thatone" Hilarious! It got nearly out of end when the third wheel of the barrow forsaked a good part of his rest time to participate, and I nearly missed my rest time!
Luckily, there was no member of the FFF(*) on board!


(*) Female Flying Fomunity

And I tought I was the only one that ever tried sticking the forehead against the coaming! :}

It works best with HT-1000 GNSS MCDU screen and 77% Np on four-bladed ATR :ok: