Comebacks...
 

I'm currently doing 6 months of ground school training and I'm the only rotary wing student and have to share a classroom with 15 other fixed wing brothers:ugh: . As you can guess helicopters get quite a bit of stick from our plank flying brethren.
I now think I've run out of my stock of comebacks to their jibes so I'm looking for some of your all time favourite comebacks to plank flyers who don't quite understand helicopters.:)

I know just how you feel, just had a similar thing for ATPL ground studies. However there where about 3 out of 20 Heli pilots so we didn't need too many comebacks.

One guy introduced himself by say "right, plank jokies to one side, fuel to noise converters to the other :eek: "

Think about it - they're obviously jealous!

A silent and pitying look of self-satisfaction that you had more originality and were of a more interesting bent than to choose fixed-wing should more than suffice as a come back.

Aeroplanes? Unless they're small fast jets - meh!

I don't want to give them any more reasons to take the mick!!:}
We were watching a R22 coming in on a full auto and they were all going "cor he's coming in a bit fast and steep" I then had to explain to them that he was performing an autorotation; they were gobsmacked, I think they thought that helis just drop out of the sky if their engines fail, they were quietly all surprised at just how controlled and auto can be. I felt quite smug at their self exposed ignorance.
I've tried that but they're like a dog with a bone, same old tired jokes over and over again.
One day a few nice Eurocopters came in, my future Heli instructor came to find me to see if I wanted to look around them (I think he knew how dull ground school can be). He extended the offer to the other plank fliers, and they were out there like flies around sh!t. No, they're not interested in helcopters are they?! Two faced gits :*

"just tell them your expected earnings/working conditions as a professional helicopter pilot. "

Equal time roster working 182 days a year.
Home every night
No take offs earlier than 0645
Few landings after 2000 (after having the morning off)
Most week ends off (work on average 1 in 6)
Shorter duty days than a lo-cost crew

Oh and paid more than a lo- cost 737 Capt:ok:

332M

Just tell 'em you fly helicopters because you were never rejected onto plank wings.

Wings are meant to go round. Building aircraft with stopped wings makes 'em dangerous. Ask 'em why, if wings weren't meant to go round, how come plank wings spin, taking the rest of the aircraft with them?

If you get the chance, show 'em a night approach to the average small, unlit helipad - that'll shut 'em up.

So what are the same old tired jokes? Let's hear 'em!

Perhaps allowing one of them to try a few minutes doing spot turns around the tail rotor in a bit of wind....that quickly parts a helicopter pilot from the rest of the crowd.:E

Last summer, while working in the South Island of NZ doing tourist flights. I was in the office after buying the girls a coffee.
This guy walks in and looks me up and down and with a bit of a smirk say's "Are you THE pilot?" I casually replied "I'm one of them".
He went on to say that he is also a pilot, so how about a discount on the cost of the scenics? He didnt even acknowledge my mates behind the desk who do all the selling, so I said I cant offer you one, and to talk to one of the girls.
He didn't even look at them.
Again he said "come on, how about a discount?!"
Then he said "so...how many hours do you have?" another wise smirk on his face. " Enough" I said.
" Well I have 22000 hrs! Do you want some of those?" Wise smirk growing, and some serious wank factor developing here from this fulla.
" Not really" I said as I sipped my coffee before asking him "so what exactly do you fly?"
"Oh, I'm a 737 Captain!!!"
I looked him in the eye and said...."So, your a systems administrator then?"
He went all quiet and said "yes, you could say that."
No more mention of a discount after that! :} :ok:
Hughesy

The difference between a plank flier and a helicopter pilot?

The plankie will land then try like crazy to stop before the end of the runway.:eek:
The helicopter pilot will stop, then when he is good and ready, he will land.:cool:

LM

Good dit Hughesy, enjoyed that:O

Oh, and Windy, let them have their digs . So what. The way I see it, Jet Plank Pilots see the world, but Helicopter Pilots, we see the world. With me?

To me, the difference is everything.

I know a bunch of plank drivers that have looked up to me.......and smiled the whole time.....as they rode the winch wire up from the oggin or jungle!

Fixed wing operators do not hire based upon looks!

What's the difference between an airplane and a goat.....on the goat the a-hole is in the rear.

How do you know there is a plank driver at a beer up.....just listen he will tell you... repeatedly.

What's the difference between a Plank Driver and his airplane.....after landing the airplane quits whining.

Hughesy,

When they brag of "hours".....merely ask them how many of those was George or the other pilot handling the machine for them. That whittles the tally quite handsomely.

Hey folks,

its quite easy, take a piece of paper, fold it and let it fly.
"As you can see - no pilot required for a fixed wing!"

:ok:

Had a fixed wing pilot tell me he had never seen a bird that flapped it's wings above it's head. I responded that I had never seen a bird that needed a runway. The conversation deteriorated from there.

What I said was actually a fib as I had spent considerable time on Midway Island watching the Gooney Birds trying to be come airborne on a calm day.

An airplane pilot is a person that really likes to fly but has never had a chance to do it.

To fly is fine... to hover is devine.

The wide runway is for the hovering impaired.

...whereas our runways can be several thousand feet wide; just not very long!

Cheers

Whirls

Harry Reasoner
 

http://www.skygod.com/quotes/piloting.html

The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by it's nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other, and if there is any disturbance in this delicate balance the helicopter stops flying; immediately and disastrously. There is no such thing as a gliding helicopter.
This is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an airplane pilot, and why in generality, airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed, buoyant extroverts and helicopter pilots are brooding introspective anticipators of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened it is about to.
— Harry Reasoner, 1971

I know exactly what you are going through, i was the only guy out of 11 in my ATPL full time course as a rotary guy. The best way i found to shup up the plank guys, was go out on a night and tell them that women prefer heli pilots to fixed wing guys, inevitably they would all say thats rubbish!!
So the convo goes something like this;
'hey, excuse me, my friend and i just wanted to ask u a hyperthetical question, if you were interested in twins, and one flew helis and the other planes, which would you go for?'
Every time and i mean every time, each and every one replied;
'Oh, the helicopter one!'
And there you have it, tried and tested method!

I concur! :} :D :ok:

Doesn't work the other way round but :(

Cheers

Whirls