Ever made yourself look a complete prat??
Some time ago I made a real dildo of myself. I was a very junior cojo doing my first offshore medivac to ARI (Aberdeen Royal Infirmary) with the companies top man. The bear in the back was mangled and not long for this world. P1 did a great quick stop over the helipad at ARI followed by the fastest shut down of a Puma you've ever seen. We both lept out and start to open the cabin doors and take the straps of the stretcher when the surgeons and nurses turned up to help. I was on the outside lifting the stretcher out when this pretty little nurse kept tapping me on the shoulder.
Nurse:- Mr Mr your helicopters....
Me:- I'm busy, just give me a minute
Nurse:- But Mr your helicopter is..........
Me:- Just give me one second and I'll be with you
Nurse:- BUT Mr its you chopper.....Its........
Me:- I'm almost finished, just a sec
Nurse:- YOUR HELICOPTERS ROLLING BACK WARDS AND PICKING UP SPEED !
Sure enough, we had done the shutdown cx in record time but had both forgotten the fecking brake. The a/c was moving back wards at a fair old speed by the time I lept in a pulled on the brake. Nearly a ward full of broken doctors and nurses. Yes I did learn from that.
I have more but thats for another day.
Nurse:- Mr Mr your helicopters....
Me:- I'm busy, just give me a minute
Nurse:- But Mr your helicopter is..........
Me:- Just give me one second and I'll be with you
Nurse:- BUT Mr its you chopper.....Its........
Me:- I'm almost finished, just a sec
Nurse:- YOUR HELICOPTERS ROLLING BACK WARDS AND PICKING UP SPEED !
Sure enough, we had done the shutdown cx in record time but had both forgotten the fecking brake. The a/c was moving back wards at a fair old speed by the time I lept in a pulled on the brake. Nearly a ward full of broken doctors and nurses. Yes I did learn from that.
I have more but thats for another day.
Crazy Scandihooligan
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Damn, some mountain goat is nibbling my ear ;-)
Age: 52
Posts: 482
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Unintentionally
This happened to amate of mine in Canada. Decimal went into a bar in Edmonton and was having a beer, when a pair of lovely ladies turned up.
So after a little cheesy small talk
Lady1 - So what is it you do for a living?
Decimal - Well, actually, I fly for a living
Lady1 - So you are a pilot?
Decimal - Well, actually, a helicopter pilot. How about you?
Lady1 - well my ex was a pilot and he was a right ******!
Lady1 to Lady2 - Lets get out of here.
Decimal - Barman - Get me beer, to put these flames out.
So of course i laughed my head off, thinking this would never happen to me, and lo and behold six months ago the same scenario happened to me and i felt quite helpless, but did chortle to myself.
MD
So after a little cheesy small talk
Lady1 - So what is it you do for a living?
Decimal - Well, actually, I fly for a living
Lady1 - So you are a pilot?
Decimal - Well, actually, a helicopter pilot. How about you?
Lady1 - well my ex was a pilot and he was a right ******!
Lady1 to Lady2 - Lets get out of here.
Decimal - Barman - Get me beer, to put these flames out.
So of course i laughed my head off, thinking this would never happen to me, and lo and behold six months ago the same scenario happened to me and i felt quite helpless, but did chortle to myself.
MD
Do a Hover - it avoids G
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Chichester West Sussex UK
Age: 91
Posts: 2,206
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
In the US a very senior and respected flight test man brought back from retirement to be part of a red team very unusually said a silly thing.
Fairly gently somebody explained why he was wrong.
His immediate response - "Sorry - every now and then my brain farts"
Great recovery!
Fairly gently somebody explained why he was wrong.
His immediate response - "Sorry - every now and then my brain farts"
Great recovery!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,957
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Many moons ago at a place I used work all the big bosses from o'seas were scheduled to visit. Now, part of the itiniery was to convince them of the worth of the helicopter budget etc.
The manager at this joint was a renowned buffoon, so in preparation I chewed over with the boss about us stepping out with a couple of hours fob sightseeing or whatever; no probs.
I does a final spit and polish, packs my personal .308 semi-auto Springfield just in case they like shooting and get going.
Great scott, there they are on the lawn, no worries, spot on approach and land, lunch, a couple of demos chasing cajuns, then true to form the buffoon runs out of steam.
After an embarrassing while with nothing for them to do I suggest would they like to go for a fly. The eyes light up, I'm right on cue, what could this lead to?
I thinks of long hours making money, big contracts all that.
Their leader says, "What will we do?"
'No Probs,' I say rather flamboyantly, 'I've brought a gun we'll go shoot some wild pigs, eh!!!
Silence, absolute f'n silence, you see they were all Bruninians.
The manager at this joint was a renowned buffoon, so in preparation I chewed over with the boss about us stepping out with a couple of hours fob sightseeing or whatever; no probs.
I does a final spit and polish, packs my personal .308 semi-auto Springfield just in case they like shooting and get going.
Great scott, there they are on the lawn, no worries, spot on approach and land, lunch, a couple of demos chasing cajuns, then true to form the buffoon runs out of steam.
After an embarrassing while with nothing for them to do I suggest would they like to go for a fly. The eyes light up, I'm right on cue, what could this lead to?
I thinks of long hours making money, big contracts all that.
Their leader says, "What will we do?"
'No Probs,' I say rather flamboyantly, 'I've brought a gun we'll go shoot some wild pigs, eh!!!
Silence, absolute f'n silence, you see they were all Bruninians.
The Veloceraptor of Lounge Lizards
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: From here the view is lovely
Posts: 339
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Pulled up in the pouring rain at a well known, very far north airport after a long hard day. Freight to drop and refuel to take, all rotors running. Begged P2 to take care of AC while I ran for pee and ciggie. Bladder control was better then but it was still going to be a close run thing.
Much relieved I walked back outside to let P2 off for his well earned 5 minutes, when I met him coming the other way. He froze and then turned to the aircraft. It was still running connected to the bowser with no-one on board. We covered the hundred metres in immersion suits, life jackets et al faster than Linford Christie on speed.
The ground crew had never noticed thank god, P2 just got out and walked in, fatigue was the only reason.
God knows what we looked like vaulting into a 332 done up in all the kit, God knows what we would have looked like had it not been there!!
Much relieved I walked back outside to let P2 off for his well earned 5 minutes, when I met him coming the other way. He froze and then turned to the aircraft. It was still running connected to the bowser with no-one on board. We covered the hundred metres in immersion suits, life jackets et al faster than Linford Christie on speed.
The ground crew had never noticed thank god, P2 just got out and walked in, fatigue was the only reason.
God knows what we looked like vaulting into a 332 done up in all the kit, God knows what we would have looked like had it not been there!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,957
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
'Errr, whats a Bruninian?
'
Oy yes my horrible spelling, thankyou for bringing to my notice. It should have been Bruneian, native of the Islamic state of Brunei Darussalam. A truly top spot.
'Oy yes my horrible spelling, thankyou for bringing to my notice. It should have been Bruneian, native of the Islamic state of Brunei Darussalam. A truly top spot.
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: scotland
Age: 48
Posts: 24
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I had just recently passed my PPL when I first met an older gentleman who had only started his training. I had just got out of the helicopter when I was met by the instructor and this new, old student and I, rather helpfully and wanting to show off my new skills, said I would help him with the checks and get him ready until the instructor had nipped to the loo. We run through the checks with me explaining how important it is to check all of the nuts and bolts and oils, etc. We climbed in and I told him that I would do the R/T for him as sometimes you get a bit tongue tied when your new to this sort of thing. (the more I think about this the more condescending I sounded!)
I jumped out as the instructor arrived and told him of my helpfullness and that I thought the old chap seemed very comfortable sitting in the cockpit. '' He should'' he replied, ''he's an ex British Airways training Captain''
I jumped out as the instructor arrived and told him of my helpfullness and that I thought the old chap seemed very comfortable sitting in the cockpit. '' He should'' he replied, ''he's an ex British Airways training Captain''
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: cornwall UK
Age: 80
Posts: 236
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Pratfall
It was a beautiful summers day at Penzance heliport. I was due to fly the afternoon schedule to the Scillies and clad, as was the custom, in full airline uniform swaggered out to the waiting 61. In full view of thirty-odd holiday makers, I commenced the walk-round, conscious of the on-lookers. I looked up to check the tail-rotor gear-box oil-level, tripped backwards over the ground power cable and went flat on my a**e
Put the words 'mighty' and 'fallen' into a sentence.
Put the words 'mighty' and 'fallen' into a sentence.
Just closed down the Lynx on the lawn of Government House in the Falklands. British High Commissioner gets out in his best white uniform complete with Lord Nelson type hat (covered in white feathers) and carrying his sword/dagger thingy (Full Regailia). RM Band struck up "God save the Queen" He saluted as I dissipated the hydraulics (you had too then) a massive squirt of hydraulic fluid shot out of the dump pipe and covered his back and hat, it was dripping down all the feathers and covered his back. To make matters worse I needed to vent an engine (also common then) and we then lost him in the smoke!!!
Looked like something out of a carry on film.
Looked like something out of a carry on film.
"Just a pilot"
Not a story of a public prat-hood, but embarrassing
Dropped my pax at a small Gulf of Mexico pad and cleared that single-ship pad by hopping to that field's crew quarters deck, shut down, grabbed some reading material out of my flight bag, and went downstairs to the galley to standby.
Passengers call for pickup and reposition to the next station, so I gulp my coffee and head out. Fold and stick the periodical in my hip pocket, up 5 flights of stairs, return the magazine to my bag, climb in and start. Pulling pitch, I see a wallet blow over the side, into the Gulf, scattering bills and stuff, and think "Somebody's going to miss that."
Drop the pax at the base, secure the aircraft, go to the vending machine, and- no wallet. Not only that, it's break day, I have no money and no credit cards for the 500 mile, overnight drive. Fortunately, it's a big base, lots of pilots with senses of humor and generous to boot.
Passengers call for pickup and reposition to the next station, so I gulp my coffee and head out. Fold and stick the periodical in my hip pocket, up 5 flights of stairs, return the magazine to my bag, climb in and start. Pulling pitch, I see a wallet blow over the side, into the Gulf, scattering bills and stuff, and think "Somebody's going to miss that."
Drop the pax at the base, secure the aircraft, go to the vending machine, and- no wallet. Not only that, it's break day, I have no money and no credit cards for the 500 mile, overnight drive. Fortunately, it's a big base, lots of pilots with senses of humor and generous to boot.
Avoid imitations
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Wandering the FIR and cyberspace often at highly unsociable times
Posts: 14,573
Received 422 Likes
on
222 Posts
It had been a long, difficult day. I got in, made myself comfortable for the last sector.
The initial radio conversation went like this:
ShyT: "G-****, fully ready for departure!"
ATC: "Aren't you going to start the engine first?"
ShyT: Oops!
The initial radio conversation went like this:
ShyT: "G-****, fully ready for departure!"
ATC: "Aren't you going to start the engine first?"
ShyT:
Oops!
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Phuket
Posts: 297
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
This really occured;
Scene:1988, LAX at about 0200hrs, IMC, in a Army H60 without a lot of extra fuel....
US: R23643
Them: LAX approach
PIC (me) flying the aircraft, slightly off assigned altitude (4,150, should have been 4000)
LAX approach: "R23643 say altitude"
PNF: (before I could stop him) "Altitude"
LAX approach: (Ready to play the game) "R23643 say cancel IFR"
Me: "Sorry about that, R23643 4,150 correcting to 4,000"
We had a talk afterwords.
Jerry
US: R23643
Them: LAX approach
PIC (me) flying the aircraft, slightly off assigned altitude (4,150, should have been 4000)
LAX approach: "R23643 say altitude"
PNF: (before I could stop him) "Altitude"
LAX approach: (Ready to play the game) "R23643 say cancel IFR"
Me: "Sorry about that, R23643 4,150 correcting to 4,000"
We had a talk afterwords.
Jerry
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 103
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Two good ones from a list that is worryingly long.
1. Chatting in the engineering workshop about Eurocopter. "They fly nice" say I "but spares are a nightmare as they never seem to hold inventory and expect the customer to hold their own, but hey the french are deeply arrogant so they don't care and if you do eventually get some spares by random luck and good fortune they then have the temerity to charge like a wounded bull".
From behind the parts rack comes a well dressed gentlemen. "Meet Monsuier Leclerc the head of something very important from Eurocopter" says the engineer...
2. Also made a stop in Asia at a private jet FBO at the main airport. landing fees were steep but this was Luxury! Coffee, cake, someone handing you a folder with your en route weather. Bouyed by my new found feeling of self importance, I said to a very pretty and well dressed lady by the reception. "hi love, can you call me a cab if you have a minute?" "not really" says she..."why not" says I... "Because I'm the Deputy Director of Civil Aviation"....
1. Chatting in the engineering workshop about Eurocopter. "They fly nice" say I "but spares are a nightmare as they never seem to hold inventory and expect the customer to hold their own, but hey the french are deeply arrogant so they don't care and if you do eventually get some spares by random luck and good fortune they then have the temerity to charge like a wounded bull".
From behind the parts rack comes a well dressed gentlemen. "Meet Monsuier Leclerc the head of something very important from Eurocopter" says the engineer...
2. Also made a stop in Asia at a private jet FBO at the main airport. landing fees were steep but this was Luxury! Coffee, cake, someone handing you a folder with your en route weather. Bouyed by my new found feeling of self importance, I said to a very pretty and well dressed lady by the reception. "hi love, can you call me a cab if you have a minute?" "not really" says she..."why not" says I... "Because I'm the Deputy Director of Civil Aviation"....
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tulbagh, Western Cape, RSA
Age: 37
Posts: 1
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Once had a chartered lunch flight to a wine estate. Scorching hot day. After lunch I made myself comfortable in the shade under the heli and waited for pax to finish lunch. Inevitably dosed off. Was awakened by pax staring down at me. Felt like I could disappear.
Was Number2 to the Sqn Cdr (Bunny A)while on det to Alberta with 4 Pumas. Task was to take Army boss to a curry lunch. This was all set up in a very large marquee. Sqn Cdr makes his approach to very close to marquee - this inflates with air, pulls all the stakes/pegs out. Sqn Cdr bogs off rapidly. Marquee collapses onto assembled throng, knocking the food onto the floor as it did so. Sqn Cdr borrows dog collar from the padre and goes back by road.
He did survive.
He did survive.
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Close to the hangar, UK.
Posts: 162
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
In my early days as a CPL I was given a charter into Royal Ascot. Returning to collect my PAX after the racing the radio conversation went something like this.
FB: Jockey** Finals
ATC: Jockey** gate 2, we're locating your passengers.
.......
ATC: Jockey** your passengers are not here. Air taxi to parking next to the 109s.
FB: Jockey** Air taxi parking.
.......
ATC: Jockey** they're not the 109s they're the Dauphins.
FB: Ohh, Err, which ones are the 109s?
ATC: They're the white ones!
FB: Jockey** Finals
ATC: Jockey** gate 2, we're locating your passengers.
.......
ATC: Jockey** your passengers are not here. Air taxi to parking next to the 109s.
FB: Jockey** Air taxi parking.
.......
ATC: Jockey** they're not the 109s they're the Dauphins.
FB: Ohh, Err, which ones are the 109s?
ATC: They're the white ones!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Stairways to heaven
Posts: 346
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
25 years ago
I was witness to the following event at a soaring club.
The tug pilot had just taken off with whatever hanging behind him when a clean C-210 crossed very close to his nose at HIGH speed. Obviously not seeing there was a tug in the air.
Needless to say the tug was livid and complained that the C-210 pilot should have a lesson in air law and perhaps refrain from trying to fly an aircraft.
The rumor spread and within 30 min the C-210 pilot came up to the tug and presented him as the fleet manager of a large European airline with x thousand hours and heard that the tug wanted to give him lessons how to fly an airplane.
No comments, but the tug was right and still livid.
The next day the C-210 pilot took the helm of one of the gliders and in a matter of two hours he managed to total the glider - big red face.
THE TUG'S ONLY COMMENT: I heard flying can be difficult and potentially hazardous.
The tug pilot had just taken off with whatever hanging behind him when a clean C-210 crossed very close to his nose at HIGH speed. Obviously not seeing there was a tug in the air.
Needless to say the tug was livid and complained that the C-210 pilot should have a lesson in air law and perhaps refrain from trying to fly an aircraft.
The rumor spread and within 30 min the C-210 pilot came up to the tug and presented him as the fleet manager of a large European airline with x thousand hours and heard that the tug wanted to give him lessons how to fly an airplane.
No comments, but the tug was right and still livid.
The next day the C-210 pilot took the helm of one of the gliders and in a matter of two hours he managed to total the glider - big red face.
THE TUG'S ONLY COMMENT: I heard flying can be difficult and potentially hazardous.
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: taking up the hold
Age: 53
Posts: 812
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
This sounds far fetched but did happen.
A friend of mine was a 212 co-pilot. One foggy day he was asked to do a ground run for main motor tracking. Following a successful ground track the engineer asked if they could check it in the hover. That went well & the engineer then asked if he could pull some power. Being a helpful sort of chap my friend obliged. The next thing he knew he had lost sight of the ground.
He went down in history as the first pilot in the company to divert from a ground run!
A friend of mine was a 212 co-pilot. One foggy day he was asked to do a ground run for main motor tracking. Following a successful ground track the engineer asked if they could check it in the hover. That went well & the engineer then asked if he could pull some power. Being a helpful sort of chap my friend obliged. The next thing he knew he had lost sight of the ground.
He went down in history as the first pilot in the company to divert from a ground run!
