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What's New In W. Africa (Nigeria)

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What's New In W. Africa (Nigeria)

Old 2nd Mar 2008, 12:45
  #2241 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Jankara
Age: 59
Posts: 377
Grrr Housing Woes

It would seem that both CHC and Bristow are having a heap of housing woes, in some cases so bad that people are leaving. CHC has had the debacle of the Death Camp, the gay bar of perambulating phalli and the fiasco of the fiery flats. Bristow have had the infamous Darrells Hotel, home of Legionnaire's disease and the delightful cuisine of anthrax ripple and typhoid toffee apples coupled perfectly with the cockroach cluster served daily in the unsavoury delights of the insecurity of he Calabar guest house.

With all the armed robberies in Lagos increasing on a daily basis, it's surprising that neither company seems to take it seriously enough to provide the sort of secure journey management they deem necessary in Port Harcourt. It'll be the usual wait until someone is shot or kidnapped before anythng is done I guess. Maybe that's why the upper tiers of management in Bristow spend so much time away in America on 'retreats' and business meetings and rarely set foor outside Lagos. Now that CHC is an American company matbe they'll find the same excuses for going away for reorganisation meetings. Both companies are busy building inverted pyramids with more and more layers of management being added at the top, so eventually the entire edifices become unstable and topple. Maybe we'll really see Caverton rising to the top
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Old 2nd Mar 2008, 13:47
  #2242 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Nigeria
Age: 53
Posts: 4,599
Cavertonmanagement,
would you mind awfully not writing when I'm drinking my coffee - it makes a mess as I spit it out laughing.

However, in all seriousness, I met a member of the real Caverton Management (S.A.) in Houston at HeliExpo last week, and I can vouch with complete certainty that he was not wearing pointy shoes, so your reference to fat footed Canadians may be a little unfair and full of irony.
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Old 2nd Mar 2008, 17:07
  #2243 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: here and there
Posts: 69
Don't ruin your chances

Westcoaster,
Judging by your reaction to Cavertonmanagement -whom we in West Africa have a lot of respect for- you are still a bit wet behind your ears. With both Bristow and CHC slipping down the "Helicopter-Operators-of-the-world" rankings at breath taking speed, it will soon be Caverton to fly the flag here in Nigeria. They have a whole fleet of S92s and EC225s coming into the country soon, to supplement their Jumbolinos. If you ever fancy a well paid job with one of the world beaters in rotary aviation, you better bite your tongue, because you won't get anywhere if you are on the wrong side of Cavertonmanagement.
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Old 2nd Mar 2008, 17:54
  #2244 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
Shoe problems ...

We were unable to come to terms, Caverton and I, since pointy shoes in size 12 (Euro 47) are scarce and too dear. Yet another rung on the ladder to the stars missed! I so wanted to become Mr Twinned Ooter and get back to Lagos, Centre of Excrement. Well, perhaps in my next life.

What did I just read about management waiting until someone in Lagos is shot? Say what? Two pilots WERE shot. Okay, one only got it through a leg and the other one in a place that wouldn't make him blind and neither one was crippled but "shot" they were! Kevlar curtains aside, was a lot done? You tell me.

Other companies have lost people, you know. Mobil for one. Okay, not directly on the way to work but I know of at least two pilots who succumbed to terminal lead poisoning in Lagos. No, make that three! Then there was the guy who was hit by a burst of clap on a low-level mission but I guess that doesn't count.
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Old 2nd Mar 2008, 18:44
  #2245 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Las Vegas
Age: 70
Posts: 9
Hi Pat

Hi Pat,

Yes! You are refering to BE of Laos fame. I haven't had an email in a long time,but he was alive and well in Nigeria last time I heard.

Cheers,
pokerpilot33
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Old 2nd Mar 2008, 19:59
  #2246 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: uk
Posts: 213
Chuks,

I will have a word with my friends @ Calverton and when they realise what they are missing out on I bet the budget will stretch to two pair of pointy shoes size 6 expertly cobbled together to a size 12.

Mamaput,

There must have been Risk Assessments done on movement of personnel in Nigeria by both Bristow’s and CHC and I bet they make interesting reading to see how much of the required measures to bring it within an acceptable risk level they both have implemented or not?
Kevlar curtains anybody?

Greetings,

Finalchecksplease
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Old 2nd Mar 2008, 22:30
  #2247 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nigeria
Posts: 74
What's funnier?

An ongoing satire of the aspiring pinnacle of helicopter aviation ?

An individual who purports to be in the know but is completely sucked in?

MOPOL escorts for everyone in PHC, but a complete loss of corporate knowledge about security in LOS?

I'm told I'm here because of my skill and experience, but I'm given so many conflicting, over-restrictive, and at times non-sensical rules that I'm lucky to tie my shoes without violating one?

Oh well, maybe I'll just let that mossie bite me and get a few days of R&R...
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Old 3rd Mar 2008, 11:56
  #2248 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
Hey!

Why didn't I think of that! 2 times six is 12! I missed that toppest education, I guess. (Jeez, I hope those goddam helicopter pilots didn't use up my bar card, like the last time I came back after my Final Farewell Party Number 6 or 7.)

You know when I was airing my thoughts re: security I was asked what I wanted, armoured vehicles, when I said that would be a good start, yes!

It turns out that the American Embassy, for one, sells off their vehicles after a couple of years and that some of them DO have Kevlar armour, not just Kevlar curtains. They have to take out the armoured glass but it's too much trouble to also remove the Kevlar sheets in the body panels.

The thing is that the situation always favours the attackers with their ability to concentrate deadly force at one point, when the way to work usually has to go past certain points. The whole thing just got very, very depressing to me with a focus on making the bucks but not on playing the game of trying to stay one jump ahead of the bad guys. Instead it was just, "Well, nothing else bad has happened here." So no need to spend any money, I guess.

North Africa is no picnic but at least you have very few people around out in the desert. When you do get them they are loaded for bear; they had a recent shoot-out involving a couple of Mi-14 ground attack helos being fired upon, for instance. Cojones the size of watermelons, or what? The military did the damn-damn on them but didn't get most of them.

The bad guys can't just melt into a crowd when they are out in the middle of nowhere but they still do manage to kill the odd guy off on his own and make off with his 4X4 to sell just across the border.

I can walk to the air strip without too much risk here but we do have camps where an escort is required for everything but a trip to the toilet. You live behind the wire.

In any case we are not allowed to land unless we can see that vehicles are present, assuming that those are the good guys! I think I can see a flaw in this plan ...
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Old 3rd Mar 2008, 14:15
  #2249 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: "Deplorable but happy as a drunken Monkey!
Age: 71
Posts: 16,535
Chuks,

You need to lighten up here....they were only fixed wing pilots that got shot. Why we all know you guys are a dime a dozen and can be replaced at the mere drop of a hat.

Besides....riding to work in an up-armored vehicle would only be admitting we are afraid of the gunmen and that just wouldn't do.

Instead of Kevlar curtains....kevlar diapers (Defendz if you will) would have been a better investment as even Nigerian gunmen know bullets would bounce off pilot's heads.
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Old 3rd Mar 2008, 19:06
  #2250 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
Oh, it was a real hoot!

That was Monday, September 10th. The next afternoon started out with what looked like a crappy remake of "The Towering Inferno" on the TV that turned out to be 9/11 live on CNN.

I don't know the answer to this one, aside from "go work someplace else," and for some of us that's just not an option. Is there a company working in the Delta that is ahead of the curve when it comes to personal safety?
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Old 3rd Mar 2008, 22:13
  #2251 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: here and there
Posts: 69
The Eagles

Good Old Chucks,
Whatever is disturbing your sleep: A stray rubber bullet from back then when you where happy to be in the center of excrements...or an experimental teutonic comrade of yours who was obviously slightly higher qualified than yourself...my dear chap...listen to the Eagles and "get over it"!
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Old 4th Mar 2008, 14:50
  #2252 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
Rubber bullets?

Have you ever been down-range for something like this? That bus looked like a sieve! Put your rubber bullets where the sun doesn't shine!

Here and now I don't lose a lot of sleep over something that happened more than six years ago, thanks for asking.

The rest of this really is just part of life's rich pageant, eh? "Porsche-driving weenie loses his rag over a simple reality check!" is supposed to be my problem? Doc it was who wound him up by tossing all his treasured crap out of his little private office, when I paid the price, such as it was. I had to leave Lagos, boo-hoo!

It's best summed up with, "If you cannot take a joke, what are you doing here?" Just wait until you look across, stuck in a Lagos go-slow and think, "Don't I know that guy over there in that Caverton mini-bus?" Now there's a vision to make you lose sleep!
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Old 4th Mar 2008, 19:09
  #2253 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Victoria Garden City
Posts: 34
Thumbs up Sorry Oh for the Shoe

Oh by the way the Twinned Ooter you own should be replaced with a Twin Otter.. something from Canada which might help you with you company which you brag about.
What kind of fool is this Wetcoater? Why you would think daddy and I would be fool and tie up our money in owning aeroplane? Daddy and I are having Master degree from UK university. While in your country we met ignorant people like you who failed to come up to the standard set by daddy and I to make person proud of Nigeria and obvious we are going to do something very special involving foresight and planning using computer and chequebook and every kind of thing to set up the world center of aviation excellence in Nigeria. Naturally is leased and was especially modified from ordinary aircraft to the toppest Twinned Ooter standard, something far beyond the understanding of a man with only 20 years in aviation.

sorry to miss inform you, but I am from the UK... I only worked in Canada for a period of time..... I to was edumecated in the topest school of the queen's royal english.
I doubt you have ever been to real school such as that of daddy and I where there was boarding and all food taken there with dormitory and every pip-pip English sporting afternoon. There we were also taught that miss inform is daughter of Mr inform and to say otherwise is total misinformation. So sorry if you are gay, having been educated in 'queen's royal English'. There have been plenty of writings here about Aero gay bar - maybe you are a founder. For daddy and myself we learnt the toppest Queen's English. You need to be careful if you are informing every person of your sexual orientation being a queen because homosexuality is crime in Nigeria. It is also crime to report things about military base, such as number of Hind, unless maybe this again the queen in you coming out and you are looking for behind?

So libel it is.. Well in the end you are still and idiot for doing so
Why you are saying I am still? I am never still except when asleep. Stillness does not help keep the world leader in aviation excellence at the top of the heap. Remember the company which I brag about is all Nigerian, not like your own where this foolish maple eaters think a 40% of equity means they can change everything and upset our dear friend Chief Ibru by painting the helicopter in some horrid color not even anything like real Aero color and put chicken logo on it. What is the significant of this silly chicken?

Mr 212,

Naturally with all this American security from TSA, even valued guests such as daddy, myself or director who are about to spend $$$ millions on S92 Jumboliners cannot wear proper attire such as pointy shoe for this kind travel. This security is immediately assuming a boom in the stylish attire and arrest is as certain as for those people who try to start gay bar in Nigeria.

Mr chuks,

You will surely be most welicome to return to teach our people the proper use of Twinned Ooter, especially with our fleet expansion program where we shall corner the Twinned Ooter market. As a recognised expert and center of world excellence of Twinned Ooter operation, when Exon Mobile start flights with Twin Otter again very soon, you will see how they will be using our excellent FBO at NAF, which is equipped with every toppest thing for such operation, including fuel, ramp, chock and hangar. As an employee of daddy and I no harm can ever befall you and we have no crew bus for senior executive employee such as yourself who have many things to teach even the toppest German experimental test pilot. You yourself will be conveyed to the place where you will take us to new height of excellence in one of our beautiful Daewoo or Kia mini-limousine.

Mr Swamp,

Please if you are having trouble with your shoe maybe it is because it is fashioned in the Western way where you are putting the whole foot in the shoe which is very short. If you are coming to us, you will have fine pointy shoe of a good length for every foot and we will teach you the secret known to every Nigerian, called 'squash the heel'.

Well, am very tired now with all this international travel as used by we top international executive, especially with our foot cramped into funny short shoe. I have to use executive tool like computer, Blueberry phone, hip flask and Mount Blanc pen to make orders for our new executive fleet. Our plans will soon be revealed, to be followed by massive recruiting drive.
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 08:09
  #2254 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
CV ??

cavertonmanagement,

I think I'm your man. I have no education (expelled before my O levels), but I bought a set of very pointy shoes (known as Winkle Pickers) a long time ago and I've just found them in my attic. I just dusted them off and they look almost brand new second hand.

Can you PM me an application form ? I know I could apply through your ultra modern website but I need to be made to feel special, so if you got your Daddy to send it I'd be in heaven !!

By the way, I know it doesn't really matter all that much but I can't fly any of the helicopters you have so I'll need a few conversions; if you could arrange them to be in warm sunny places outside Nigeria that would be nice.

Looking forward to hearing from Daddy.............

NEO

PS: If you decide you don't want to employ a world renowned pilot such as myself, I have a very nice Tokunbo pair of pointy shoes for sale.
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 08:29
  #2255 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
Neo ...

Could we do a deal here: I would like to lease one set winkle-pickers size 12/47 with option to purchase. Just in case my next career ends up like my last career, no sense making big-big investments now-now. You wait small you get top money for shoes. Are they pre-squashed for comfort and quick donning?

Mr Caverton I am thanking you very very muchly for your toppest offer. I shall send you my top qualifications as soon as I have finished making them up, sorry, as soon as I have finished looking them up.

I am of course Experimental Test Pilot for Sikorsky S76C++++++ with extensive experience operating from BOP to DNMM but not other way around and even higher qualified than that on Twinned Ooter. If you have chock I bring 3 more chocks making complete set of chocks, also set of finest tie-down ropes and noise-cancelling headset lacking only AA batteries.

Problems to solve include Tokunbo of V-boot class minimum. No Hyundai, Daewoo, Bajaj or similar! Printed business cards with Experimental Test Pilot on second line just below "chuks". Toppest accomodation with split A/C. Beautiful laundry girl with JJC. Uniforms with shirts made from NEW bed sheets not recycled ones like with last employer. Separate crew room from helicopter pilots with plaque on door "Reserved for Experimental Test Pilots This Means You Stay OUT!" Free coffee (Nescafe okay) tea and biscuits.

If terms agreeable I send bank details and await transfer of toppest pay soonest. Hoping to hear from you by return of post.

Regards,

chuks
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 08:45
  #2256 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
You're On !!

chuks,

If Daddy doesn't want me I would obviously be devastated but when I get over it I'd be willing to lease my ultra pointy nearly new shoes at a reasonable rate. Only if he sends you a special ETP application form. Let's start at N 10k per month shall we ? Small money for a toppest profeshunall who will be employed in a high position above the nose wheel of a state of the art Twinned Ooter.

I'll p**s in them today and leave them for a couple of weeks to allow them to become nice and supple ready for your size 12 feet (they are currently size 10), and send you my bank details so you can set up the standing order for the lease money.

Yours hopefully, your brother in the Lord.

NEO
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 10:10
  #2257 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Nigeria
Age: 53
Posts: 4,599
Lords was more known for it's seestas than it's brothers
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 12:22
  #2258 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Lagos
Posts: 245
Westcoaster,

..... Hook, line and sinker . Not wet behind the ears, 20 year in aviation - I'd get a roll of kitchen towels to clean behind your ears if I were you

Actually, I like the colours of the Caverton machines because you don't need to know what they are. There's the big red one, the little red one, the yellow peril and the big blue one, though the 109 they had which they owned was very pretty even if it was useless for out here. Bristow and Aero machines are so boring now and look almost the same, except CHC have painted Aero mchines in that lurid red and the Bristow ones have a really crap shade of blue. At least now that BGN has been restored to its former glory (only even better with those nice white registration markings) it looks much more distinctive and it's much easier to see. Sadly it won't bring back Schreiner, that's now been annihilated (though the stylised 3 range S's on he tail will be a constant reminder of the good company they bought) and Aero rotary is being gradually throttled by more layers of management. To cope with just a couple more helicopters they now have 4 so-called managers doing the job done by Captain Kobo and NN.

Whilst on the sbject of crap, what about those logos? I don't kow which is worse, the CHC flying chicken (though I guess it flies) or the kiddies seaside windmill of Bristow. On reflection I think I like the Pan African scheme best with the mock handwriting and the pastel blue and the compass rose.

Despite the kidnapping (and fortunate release) of a German of Julius Berger near Port Harcourt yesterday, it seems that accommodation here is a bigger hazard than militant action. With Aero you run the risk of being off for months with poisonous spider bites or electical fires if you live in Port Harcourt, whilst with Bristow, food poisoning and Legionnaires disease are the pleasures awaiting at Darrel's Hotel in lovely Eket
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 13:25
  #2259 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Okrika
Posts: 83
Wow 20 years in aviation. Fantastic. Come on guys, give the guy a break, he's been 20 years in aviation and he's in Port Harcourt, so of course he's wet behind the ears, and all around them. If you'd got mases of experience like that and you were flying in a tropical climate, your ears would be surrounded by sweat and all wet too. It just goes to show his experience and all the knowledge he's gained about this place already. His misspellings and poor grammar were just to sucker in poor CM who, with his toppest education just hates to see his train set being criticised by lesser mortals
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Old 5th Mar 2008, 15:03
  #2260 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Jankara
Age: 59
Posts: 377
After over 4 months of relative safety for expatriates in the Port Harcourt area, a German working for Julius Berger was kidnapped on the East West Road between Choba and Ahoada yesterday.. Luckily he was released unharmed after only 12 hours. Sadly his escorts were not so lucky and one escort driver and 2 escort police were killed in the ambush

Was anyone airborne during that big storm at NAF Base this afternoon? I don't know if any civil helicopters were damaged, but one of the NAF Mi35s is lying upside down like a dead cockroach! The rainy season has started with a vengeance.
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