The Funny Things Instructors Say and Do
 

Following on from this thread I thought we should perhaps put forward our view of the world too :E
I'll start with one of mine. departing EGSU on 24 and heading back to EGBO, FI firmly installed beside me, he decided to make the call saying we were now clear of the built up area and would be turning LEFT onto 280 to set course for EGBO. Me :confused: "er, EGSU, that would be a RIGHT turn I think," EGSU - "Ah! You mean the OTHER Left" :) Laughter all round. They were kind enough to invite us to make a return visit some time!

One from the gliding world
 

As instructors change over, bumptious early pre-solo student pilot enters glider and straps in, without introducing himself to the new duty instructor. Proud of his precocious abilities, he starts the launch. Half way up, the Instructor says, “Good view from up here – I think I might like this gliding lark. How much does it cost to join?”

Chris N.

Reminds me of the story of the underconfident student who constantly asks his instructor for guidance etc. "Shall I start the engine now, sir ?", "Shall I take off now, sir", "Shall I turn right now, sir" etc etc. Instructor patiently replies "Yes, go ahead" everytime until they get quite low on final approach and the student asks "Shall I put on power now, sir?" - "No f**k it, let's crash instead!" - The student never asked again!

I always remember an instructor at OATS in the 1970s who, whilst authorising his student to go flying, would say "You are NOT authorised to crash - I have said that in front of witnesses so I am covered!".

sunglasses
 

In briefing before a lesson on a bright winters day with a low sun...

Instructor: Have you got your sunglasses today GW?
Me: I think so (look in the depths of my case)
Instructor: YOU THINK SO? You should always make sure you have your sunglasses GW, sunglasses are extremely important to a pilot - especially on a day like today... (pause for dramatic effect) ...they make us look f**king cool on the way to the aircraft!

made me chuckle :)

Welsh rhetoric
 

I once had a Welsh instructor, whom I believe hailed from Swansea. He had that thoroughly Welsh penchant for rhetoric and, incidentally the loudest voice I had ever heard.

On one occasion early in my PPL course, flying an Auster, we were proceeding along one of Barton aerodrome's rough grass runways in a series of violent porpoising bounces when above the din of the unsilenced engine (we didn't wear headphones in those days - no radio) I heard him bawl 'you're like a b****y navvy with a steamroller'!

One of his favourite tricks was when you were trying to land the Auster on a hot day and she had got into ground effect and was floating and floating and floating just above the runway. He'd suddenly start singing 'Jesus wants me for a sunbeam' at the top of his voice.

Broomstick.

DP, was learning to fly on 100hp Rallyes.

This was my first flight with this particular instructor (who turns out to be a very nice chap, and one of the best instructors I've ever had).

I commence my take off roll, and my new instructor is sitting back, looking out the window, nice and relaxed.

As we take off, I notice that the climb rate isn't what it usually is, and think I've forgotten something. I check that I've my flaps properly set...all ok.....I have full throttle......the mixture is fully rich.....oil p&t's are all normal......I can't see anything wrong, but we are still climbing very slowly.

Time to ask for help....

Me (staring at the panel) : "Is there something wrong?"

Instructor instantly leaps from the relaxed state, twist and turns every knob, pushes every lever, checks every gauge in less than 5 seconds....then calms down out of the panic........

Instructor: "No, everything looks ok? Why do you ask?"
Me (thinking he'll be impressed that I at least noticed the different climb rate): "Well it's just that we seem to be climbing a lot slower than normal."
Instructor (with a rather grumpy tone in his voice) : "THAT's BECAUSE I'M 18 STONE!"
Me (in a sheepish tone): "Ohh....ok......sorry."

dp

A very experienced Gliding Instructor decided he would do one of the trial lessons that day - the rest of us hung around within earshot to hear his briefing and learn what we could.

X (no names, no pack drill) was very good at judging how relaxed his students were - the customer on that day wasn't in the slightest bit worried. :cool:

After going through the bail out / parachute briefing X continues:
"... and should it happen we are too low to bail out, and it is obvious we are going to crash really badly, I would like you to undo your harness, lower your trousers, turn around and sit on the stick". :\

:eek: Dead silence - everyone is trying to work out what will follow. After a dramatic pause X carries on:
"It won't do you any good at all - but it will really give the chap from the AAIB something to think about." :D

OC619

I was flying along at 3000ft when the instructor pulled the power and said, 'enter the flair'. At least I thought that is what he said. He was Norwegian, he had said,'engine failure'!

"I've told you how to do it, I've shown you how to do it, I can do it, the aeroplane can do it - WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT??"

"When you said 'I have control', you lied......"

I'm very new to flying. On my second lesson I was asked, for no reason I could fathom, to fly several orbits. On my third orbit I asked the instructor why we were doing it. He said "That's my house down there. I was just trying to see if my wife had got in yet".

Instructor patter
 

Here's one from December.

My instructor, who for the sake of this thread we shall call Git, was adamant that all of my manouevres were called out as they were being performed, his reason being that it allowed him to see exactly what mistakes I was making as they happened. He informed me not to ever make the mistake of staying quiet, as it (in his opinion) screamed "I know what I'm doing so don't need to bother", and I'd know about it if I did. No problems there, like his style.

2 days into training, (Im very slowly starting to get to know the guy) I went to peform a steep turn, " YOUR MOTHER IS SUCH A WHORE IT SICKENS ME",
I just sat there, and needless to say, I didn't stay quiet again.!

Going though my dual cross-country flying in summer 2005, I had the priviledge to fly briefly alongside the Reds (at a distance of a couple of miles) as they went into Fairford for a RIAT practice. As we caught up a few minutes later, the Synchro Pair were doing their thing and had the smoke on. My instructor, fully in the knowledge that it was the Red Arrows, reported seeing an aircraft trailing smoke in the vicinity to Fairford, just so we could chuckle I guess. Or just to brighten up the controller's day.

"Erm, yes, they're called the Red Arrows..."

Ginger ;)

I had a new instructor for just one lesson.
We were doing some turns,next thing,whack!
He had hit very hard me round the head with his kneeboard.
" Look out of the f"***ing window,that's where the b***gers going to come from, and hit you!"
Perhaps not the way to treat a low hours student, but it certainly hit home,and I haven't forgotten.
Lister:)

Temporarily unaware....
 

Lister,
Similar experience last year whilst under training... Steepturns, concentrating (too much) on VSI, having been briefed about the need to maintain height in the turn. So, there I am intently reading my instruments when a 1/4mil chart is placed in front of the panel :eek:

Not a word from him, just a big grin. That became part of the routine and I now appreciate the result.

Another one... returning to Conington on dual x-country from kidlington. Wandered off my bearing for a minute or so. Became aware of my situation and set about working out just where I had wandered to. The voice beside me said "you're lost aren't you?" hardly containing his glee.

A quick comparison between chart and ground features gives me a good idea of my whereabouts. My next waypoint was Santa Pod, which should have been on the nose about now... So I said " That's Wellingborough across on our left, so Santa Pod should be over there" I motion to our right wing tip and notice him leaning as far forward as possible in the hope that I wouldn't see Santa Pod !

Great fun, I loved every minute.

If we are including the effective teaching techniques..:
During SLMG training (it's a while back), we were climbing out when the CFI said "Engine failure now! Where are you going to go?"

Dithering, thinking too short, too bumpy, too many trees all round, too many solid sheep, too steep.....: "Errr.............................."

"OK then. Where are you going to $£&^!*% crash, then?"










Never forgotten.

Descending into Shawbury in a Chipmunk with the Boss flying from the back seat. Off to the left was another Chippie, also descending and on a slightly converging course, both of us heading for a dead-side join. The distance between us gradually becomes less and less and the other Chippie is looming larger and larger. I keep glancing at it, wondering whether the Boss is going to do some impromptu formation flying.

Finally the Boss pipes up on the intercom. The conversation went something like this:

"I42, have you seen that other Chipmunk off to port?"

"Yes, Boss"

"It's getting a bit close, what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm not flying - I thought you were!"

"Well, I'm not either!"

Both of us had been passengers in a perfectly trimmed aircraft for about five minutes!

==========================

Some years later in Canada, while being checked out in a Yankee, one of the items on the pre-start check list was "Wind Clock". My instructor told me that he had had a student whose command of English was not very good, and when the student came to that item on the check list, instead of winding the clock, he would tap the instrument panel. He thought the ASI was called a wind clock.

===========================
Later, still in Canada, getting a night rating in a 172, discussing engine failure:

"Turn on the landing light. If you don't like what you see, turn it off again."

Van Nuys airport CA, 1994 doing my PPL, while taxiing back to the flying school in a C150 about 10 hours into the training:

Ground Controller "November XXXX taxi back to flying school"

Me "Roger XXX" and off I go across a taxiway intersection without looking as carefully as my (very vocal and occasionally physically violent but good guy nonetheless Italian instructor would have liked).

Instructor to me "FuX%ing look before you cross a taxiway - these controllers don't give a !!!! about us pilots, they're all dopey bastards anyway, what are you going to say to the NTSB when your aircraft is cut in half by someone else's propeller because you didn't look properly and believed those effing liars in the tower? etc..."

5 mins after shutdown the school took a call - we had had a stuck mike. They had heard everything - cue visit to ATC and large serving of humble pie. Still makes me smile.:D

SB

The school had just purchsed a new aircraft (PA28) to which a colleague of mine was current on. His trial lesson arrived. As he walked out to the aircraft he said,

'I dont want to worry you, but I have never flown this aircraft before'.

Made me laugh! :)

Out for a bit of practice with a long-suffering, pleasant FI, 5,600' near (but not overhead) local small town. "I'll just demonstrate an emergency descent to 2,300'" says he. At the halfway point I get to do the rest of it. Upon reaching the desired 2,300' FI announces, "I thought we better do that because it would have sounded silly calling in at 5,000' over Bloggstown!" Bloggstown being approximately 5nm from the airfield. :)

"You have control" - Blatant Dishonesty

“Wings to me, Balls to You” - Factually Cheeky - Checking Turn indicator and slip ball whilst taxiing.

"I'm not feeling too good, so be gentle with me and fly like an angel" - Pathetically Pleading

"If you hadn't messed it up.... you wouldn't have had to recover" - Honest & Open - I was sweating and terrified after getting myself in, and out, of my first nose down stall.

“Where’s the airfield?” - Stupid question – How do I know??

“Don’t just sit and pass the exams and immediately forget it” - To the Point

“No more solo flying until you can tell me how the static system works” – Oooops!!

“You’ll go faster if you raise the flaps” - Aerodynamically Correct

“That was the worst circuit you’ve ever done” - Brutally Truthful - Well….…I have to laugh about it, ‘cos the alternative is to cry.


And then the “You’re being set up to do something you may not like” comments………

“You’re flying well today”

“Nice Landing”

“Now you’re showing off”


They may not be funny to you………..But they are to me!!!