Novel PA announcements as to why your flight was late departing
 

BMI Baby (BHX-EDI) was marginally late leaving this morning. This was noted by the pilot in his welcome when he announced 'I apologise for the late departure of this service. This is due to your bus driver seeing imaginary planes, so refusing to cross the apron'. I thought us pax had the monopoly on feeling that bus drivers are uber cautious when driving airside (all the vehicles coming in the opposite direction had finished crossing before he decided to make a move).

Any other novel excuses (sarcastic or not)?

Not planes, but a friend was irked when his train from Tunbridge Wells was cancelled, "because the driver has forgotten his sun glasses."

Well, I can understand that. He may have been blinded from seeing leaves on the line :}

The one that gets up my nose is '...because of the late arrival of the incoming aircraft', which is just a roundabout way of saying 'it's late because it's late'.

Avman
 

Leaves, foreign objects or folks about to throw themselves under your train -- not that trains can stop on a dime anyhow, mind you.

'Your service it late due to the late arrival of the inbound aircraft'
 

Yeah - that's so informative when I'm sitting at the gate and can blatantly see the inbound aircraft is late! It's as insultingly useless as being told the reason you're in a traffic jam is because the car infront isn't moving.

"For operational reasons"

Well, we didn't think the airline was having a laugh..... or did we?

Possibly startling in it's apparent honesty.

Aircraft loaded and ready for departure.
Captain announces that we may be delayed up to 30 mins as Handling Agents had neotiated the wrong slot time, but that they (the crew) were negotiating with ATC. Came back on within a couple of minutes to tell us it had been successful and at the same time we began pushing back.

Not everyone is sitting at the gate watching the aircraft come onto stand, therefore the announcement is for the benefit of all passengers, some of them may be at other areas of the terminal.
The majority of complaints received during times of delay/disruption refer to "lack of information" , having said that is does not matter how many announcements are made or how informative they are, there is always someone who is oblivious to them.

Be thankful you are not using Stansted, who regularly put up "Boarding", followed by "Final Call", when the incoming aircraft has not even arrived on stand yet.

I queried this once and was told that the displays are 'automatic'. So what idiot bought a system which does automatic displays in such a situation.

Was flying Virgin when the plane failed a pre-flight test as it was taxiing. We headed back to the terminal and sat on the plane until the issue with an engine was fixed. The Captain told us that it was only a small part but normally they would remove the engine ... they were, however, hoping to fix it without removing the engine so were looking for an engineer with "very small hands".

No not even a roundabout way, it is a direct way of saying just that. This isn't meant to insult your intelligence, but look at it from the pilots viewpoint. When we make a PA on stand prior to pushback, it is often under a severe time constraint. Usually we are pushing an imminent departure slot that if we fail to make, may result in additional delays, and sometimes substantial delays. Very often we do not have the detailed history of what happened to the aircraft yesterday, or overnight, that caused it to be consequentially late for this departure. Even if we do, the detail is often of precious little interest to most of the passengers, who are more concerned about getting on with the journey they have contracted for. It is often a case of people consuming the sausage rather than wanting to know the detail of how it was made. So the reason for the delay is the late arrival of the inbound aircraft. This differentiates the cause from mechanical dealys, ATC slot delays, Loading delays, Late arriving passengers and other security delays etc. Any of those things might have happened yesterday, but the majority of people (including the crew) simply want to know when the flight will depart and their delay will end.

On top of this explanation (however brief) there are welcomes, routine information and safety reminders to incorporate into the minute or two that might be available. Communication is important, and most people appreciate clear, informative and positive communication from the flightdeck. In many cases it might be the first straightforward explanation they have been given concerning an irregularity.

There are rare occaisions when some oddity or bizzare event has caused a delay, and there may be a degree of humour that can be extracted from the situation, but most of the time it is fairly mundane stuff, and of course the late arrival of the inbound aircraft.

I had a new one on United last week. Five minutes before departure, we were told that maintenance just realized that the flight data recorder was supposed to have been swapped out before the flight. A half-hour later were were on our way.

I am also curious about delays "waiting for the paperwork" following minor repairs, where waiting for the paperwork takes five times as long as the repair.

Top 10
 

- Because a politician is stuck in traffic the aircraft has to wait for him.
- Dogs on the runway that need to be cleared
- The terminal roof just collapsed and is blocking the gate
- The bus bringing passengers to the aircraft has just collided with a tractor :confused:
- The Male chauvinist in the front seat is not happy with 2 female pilots and wants to get off
- Moron flying for the first time decides to see what happens when he pulls that red handle on the door that says emergency.
- Nervous flier calls in a bomb hoax to get of the plane
- Passenger on previous flight decided to :mad: of in his seat cause he liked the air hostess. Disinfection in place.
- We have run out of parking space! on the tarmac
- Air Force One................. is landing. :ugh:

not original but...
 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 out of this airplane."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I'm going to switch the seat-belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

The pilot during his welcome message, "We are pleased to feature some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Upon landing hard the pilot gets on the Public Address system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's. It was the asphault."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Remain in your seat with your seatbelt fastened and your seatback and tray upright until the airplane comes to a full stop at the gate and we extinguish the seatbelt sign. There are television cameras in the cabin, so if you get up before we stop, your picture will be transmitted by sattelite to a Flight Attendant Central, and you will never get another bag of peanuts again!"

"If your carry-on baggage won't fit in the overhead compartments, please, ram, cram or jam it under the seat in front of you."

"Last one off the plane must clean it!"

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

On a delayed South West flight the flight attendant came on with an announcement, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

An arrival announcement, "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa .. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

"Bill Clinton is having his hair done"
:cool:

On a Go Flight from Belfast, where loading SLF had been erratic - they called the back rows, but did not bother to call any of the fronts, leaving passengers to sort of guess that they should go.

Captain, tore around airport (I exaggerate, but the Flight Attendants were having a difficult time staying up right) and got us in the air.

Came on to apologise for not saying hello, due to the "incompetent ground crew". Pulled no punches.

Just remembered one I had a couple of years back.

"There will be a small delay while the aircraft equivalent of 'alt, contol, del' is carried out."

Never figured out what that is, but it took about 10 minutes.

angels, that could be the one where they power down the entire aircraft, wait for 30 seconds and then slowly power it back up in the correct sequence? I recall one where the excuse was that it was needed to reset the pax video system so that we would have it working for the 15 hour sector back to LHR from Kai Tak. If you have a lot of computers on your aircraft and they all need to be talking to each other in sweetness and harmony, you will need the occaisonal Ctrl-Alt-Del. If you are not sure which aircraft it was on, the manufacturer's plate might have been in French. (Just a guess, you understand) :oh:

remember one delay where the pilot was brutally honest about a piece of the airframe not working, and said it didn't really matter anyway, it just added drag, and they could just land a few hundred miles early if looked like they didn't have the fuel to get to the destination. And if they thought they did have enough fuel when half way, they they would just carry on and go for it.

Even worse, in my mind, was they were talking about the horizontal stabiliser, and not long earlier an aircraft had gone into the sea off LA because a similar piece of the aircraft started to misbehave and added a little too much drag.

Too much information one thought, sometimes it's better to be economical with the truth and blame ATC.