Rules For Self Loading Freight
 

As a humble SLF flying Economy Class in Europe , Africa and the Middle East with tongue (partly) in cheek I offer the following . I could have gone on but had to stop somewhere.

The comments raise questions that I (and I am sure others) would like to put to Cabin Crew and look forward to reading their responses. Hats off to you all- I could never ever do your job .

• Never upset the cabin crew with veiled smart sarcastic comments . They have heard it all before , they know where you are sitting and ( rumours abound of how) they can get back at you by putting nasty things in your coffee.
• If you think you might have inadvertently upset a member of the Cabin Crew then grovel. See above.
• If you want to get the attention of a CC then speak. If you look at them directly in the eye to get their attention they may ignore you or worse feel threatened and – See above .
• Do not try and sweet talk CC in to giving you an upgrade – See above.
• Never ask a member of the CC “what that tiny island we flew over 10 or 20 minutes ago was”. See above.
• The front of the seating area is where Moms and their babies are seated and should be known as the Nursery.
• If put in or near the Nursery on a long haul use any means legal to get another seat.
• Never take an aisle seat on an overnight flight. By doing so your arms and legs (which are encroaching in the aisle space) provide useful objects for passengers to bump in to , kick and loudly curse.
• If people are having sex in the seat opposite give up trying not to stare and enjoy the show. Happened to me on a very bumpy Dublin to Amsterdam flight when everyone except the couple concerned went very quiet .To their credit did put in on good performance.
• If someone “kindly” offers you their seat in exchange for yours – refuse.
• Monitor movement to and from the toilets carefully .If a large person enters and only after twenty minutes exits it’s best to try another one .
• Bring you own water bottles.
• Most Airline websites are impossible to make sense of . They are designed to confuse you and put you off all attempts to log miles , choose your seat , make complaints etc. etc etc.

And – most importantly :

• On anything over a twenty minute flight never ever go in to the toilet without your shoes on.

LOL!
 

Great stuff! :ok:

I'd change that to include flights of 20 minutes or less!

DIVOSH!

The secret of flying isn't difficult to figure out.

1. The crew are there to look after you - as in getting your behind out that door - not "extra" services.

2. Be polite

3. Kids cry/scream. Bring ear plugs.

4. Don't EVER go to the bath room without shoes on.

5. If you can't wear more than shorts/t-shirt on a flight, please bring a jumper/long trousers. You will get cold.

6. The call bell is for emergencies, not to ask "where are we flying over (sic)"

7. Be polite.

8. The crew don't ask you to do certain things (fasten seat belt etc) to annoy you. Just do it.

9. Have your boarding card ready when you board the aircraft.

10. Be polite.


Gg

Glamgirl,
I know that you're normally flying out of lgw with lower manned short hop flights, and I know that you kindly give cuddles for pc help, and I know that you are the voice of CC reason, but reading what you've just written about the call bell was a bit of a "shock" to me.

It just shows how our expected standards have changed over time.
In the past - and I've no idea when it stopped, and you may well be too young to remember this, - the call bell didn't use to be reserved for emergencies - it was used, and staff told it it should be used, for requests for service. From 1990 to mid 2000s I was a BA and SQ gold card holder, so I travelled quite a bit, and that's what I used the call bell for.

Oh, well, things change, I guess.

1. Get there early, show your boarding card, stow your bag and sit down
2. Listen and watch (or pretend) to the safety talk
3. Always smile and say thank-you
4. Avoid the toilet on all flights unless absolutely bursting - they are likely to be cleaner and dryer when you land (apart from LHR T3)
5. Only use the call bell if you need another G&T
6. Get off reasonably quickly and don't p155 off the passengers behing you by faffing around getting your badly stowed hand luggage out of a locker several rows back
7. Leave your seat area relatively tidy (where you have room to actually pick something up after you've dropped it)
8. Smile and say thank-you when you leave
9. Get home, go on PPRUNE and have a rant about poor service / delays / cabin crew / check-in desks (delete as appropriate)

Might I add one more rule to the list?

1. Do not try to stuff your 95 lb "carry on" bag into an overhead bin. This will usually require you to have to remove someone else's normal sized carry on from that same bin, depositing it elsewhere. Which can be confusing for the owner of the normal-sized bag. And should your 95 lb. carry on bag fall out of the overhead bin, say during some moderate turbulence when the aircraft is flying at 600 mph rocking 30 degrees from side to side, and it hits me on the head, I will hunt you down. And it won't be pretty.

A few more:

On a long haul flight there is no point in standing up while the plane is taxiing to the stand. Don’t make a dash for the exits. Most airports you’ll wait 10 minutes for your luggage and it’ll take another 10 to clear passport control. My goal is to be first on and last off, not everybody can be last off. The plane is taxiing to the stand, you are in an isle seat and the person on beside you is tutting to try to make you stand up. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself being so abusive that I’ll get on some sort of blacklist.

If you didn’t get the upgrade you thought you deserved get over it. It doesn’t matter who you work for how much you travel nobody has a right to an upgrade. If it means that much to you pay for it

I’d like to say a big thank you to BA cc, they have been universally excellent and deserve every penny they earn.

Glamgirl :

The last sector I took the call bell push was indicated by a pictogram of a (female) flight attendant (although not as Glamorous as you are, I am sure) walking with a service tray held up high.

I am just wondering what is the type of emergency that requires the FA to walk elegantly balancing something on a tray ? :)

Unfortunately times have changed, there are much reduced crew levels on flights these days. It is challenge enough to get the service done as it is. The call bell just makes it worse. Of course it is there for you to get our attention and request some form of service.

Imagine, 200 people crammed in down the back and each one pressing the call bell. It's a hell of a lot of extra work load.

Some SLF do believe that the call bell is there to get an informal upgrade, where they can use it throughout the flight to get that extra service you get by paying a premium and moving further toward the front of the a/c.

On most flights I'm happy to scamper up and down the cabin answering call bells on others, when the service has gone upside down for whatever reason, and yes I do feel a bit miffed when I get there and find someone wants a tissue.

Other than that, I like the rules (should be known as hints) given so far.

6

I really hope our dear pax will see the following as pure tongue in cheek :}:

1. When you board the aircraft and you're being asked for you boarding pass, please don't say "oh i just put it away", "the girl at the gate took it off me", "she didn't give me one", "i just showed it to the other person", "what do you need it for"; yes, we've heard it all before and no, we're not trying to annoy you, we're just doing what we're asked to do (part of the job and all that)

2. Not long haul case, but short haul with no allocated seats: please move towards the center of the cabin choosing ANY available seats (as quickly as possible). Reason we ask you this: very short turn around which we have to accomplish; all the seats are exactly the same with exactly the same leg room (apart from emergency exit rows); please leave the fannying about, getting the water out, the sandwiches, the magazines, MP3's, iPhones, iPods and so on for after take off after the seat belt sign goes off.

3. In some cases, when the loads are under the capacity of the a/c, rows 3 and 4 are blocked off for take off and landing. It's a manufacturer's rule, we obey it. We tell you when you board, we make PA's, please don't go and sit in these rows. Just for take off and landing. Please don't lift up the tray tables, put the signs under the seats, have a moan about it.

4. Be polite (to quote Gg)

5. Please don't EVER touch us. Pulling our apron, tapping our shoulders... Please don't do it. Raises the blood pressure and that's not good at all.

6. The call bell issue... That is INDEED for emergencies, no matter what's the picture on it. Please advise your little angel that the call bell is not a toy, but an "emergency button". Should you care for another drink that's fine, please feel free to press the call bell however don't get angry when we don't come running to you; we might still be in the service or dealing with other things so we'll come to you as soon as we can.

7. Don't swear at us; that's the ultimate wrong thing to do.
If your friend missed the flight, your grandma's flight has been canceled, you paid for priority boarding and didn't get it, you've been charged for extra luggage at the gate, airport car park is too expensive, weather is bad, your car's broken... Please don't take it out on us. Talk to us, we'll maybe (if we can and it's our place to do so) give you advice or just listen to you providing the time and flight planning. We'll be there for you as long as you treat us with respect and say "hey guys, my nan's flight has been canceled, what do you think i should do?"

8. When you use the "facilities" on board. Please don't fill the cabin with "THAT" smell... Use the toilets in the airport before you board the a/c, they are much cleaner and there won't be any funny looks from CC when you exit the toilet having left "THAT" smell behind you.
Imagine you sitting at your desk in the office, having your tuna pasta lunch and suddenly, this smell that could put an elephant to sleep fills the room... Not nice, is it?
And ladies, leaving the sanitary towels on the floor, in the toilet, showing them in the bin, it's not nice.... If no sanitary bags are in the toilets, please use the sick bags carefully placed on the side of the sink. Some of us, in a 25mins turn around, don't feel like cleaning after your "misfortune". Would you, if we'd come to your house/office and do it?
Mums, when you decide to change the baby on the seats... Please ask us which one of the toilets has a baby facility. It's the one at the rear of the cabin, as you face the rear, on your right. Just ask! And please don't use the napkins dispenser as a "bin". You can tell it's not a bin, it has "Napkins Dispenser" written on it. Use the flappy bit on the side that has a "Towels bin" drawn on it.

9. As soon as we've landed and we're taxiing to the stand, please don't stand up and start fannying with your bags, switch your phone on, shout "oi sharon, i'll meet you at them passport people"...
Getting your bags before other people won't get you off the aircraft first, nor will it get you out of the terminal first (remember those immigration folks, they can be a right..... cherry on the cake so why the rush?).

10. Please, just do as we say. Sit down, buckle up, and pay attention to the Safety Demo, no matter how many times you've seen it before, As soon as that seat belt sign goes on, there's not much you could do. It's on for a reason, not because we feel like it.

As an extra: Be polite! Won't kill you plus it will make our day so much better!

:ok:

Nice to know that the primary function of the SLF is to not annoy the CC.

Here all this time I thought it was to provide them with a job. Proof of this: when we stop flying, CC get laid off!

Go on, pile on now, I know you want to!

Oh obgraham, what a sweetie you are!:}

Please note:

Rule 11: Don't ever, EVER tell a CC "i pay your salary".
Say you are a bus driver, i stop taking the bus, use the tube instead, er go,
could be translated into: When we stop taking the bus, the bus driver gets laid off! Or when we stop going to the restaurant, the chef gets laid off! Or when we stop using landlines, the BT engineer gets laid off! Or when we stop using cinemas, the person who shows the movies gets laid off! Or when we stop using the London Eye, it's employees get laid off!

And i could go on and on and on and on...
Get my drift? :rolleyes:

Apologies to those who took offense to my posting about the call bells. What I was trying to say (albeit badly) was that the call bell isn't there to be used as a "toy" or used just for the hell of it.

I'll explain: I'm walking through the cabin clearing up rubbish. A passenger looks at me, I ask if he (or she) is ok. He says "yes, thanks". I move on, and get to the galley. The call bell goes off. Guess who it is? Yep, the chap I just asked if he was ok. I head up there and he'd like another drink. No problem as such, but I just wish he could have asked me while I was there, that's all. (I will not express this to the passenger of course, just to clarify).

Of course you can use the call bell if you'd like another drink or need something. We'd just prefer if it was used sparingly. Does that make more sense?

I accept that I didn't explain it very well in my last post - and I have a funny feeling I haven't explained it fantastically well in this one either, and for that I apologise.

Gg

Well, Abuser, I was all with you, till you told me it was my patriotic duty to hold my intestinal contents till we arrived. Not always possible, what with the lower ambient pressure, and the effect of Boyle's Law on that bean burrito I scarfed in the departure lounge.

And.... be very nice to the person that could conceivably be the one that saves your life.

obgraham
 

Don’t scoff down a bean burrito then if you have got bad guts.............. :D

Tongue in cheek this one mate........ :rolleyes:

I thought there were just 3 simple rules:

(1) sit down
(2) shut up
(3) don't bother us

Glamgirl, I think what happens when you ask a pax if he/she ok then walk on, you are sort of "prompting" them to think "well, yes, now that you ask, I could do with another drink". It is the same that when you tell people that the toilets are out of use for landing, you give them the idea that "actually, I do need to go to the toilet£". See what I mean?

However, I totally agree that callbells should be used sparingly. My pet hate is when pax push the callbell when I am standing 2 rows in front of them (and trust me, I am well visible when in the cabin). Why does that annoy me so much, I don/t know...yet, still better than POKING!

airlines only exist for one reason.....to move the crew from one party to another......:rolleyes: