PPRuNe Forums - Time for humour for a change. African Aviation Pprune Forum

Some light humour to start off 2018. The following was cut and pasted from Pprune African Aviation forum after a casual browse through other Forums.
There are several hilarious pages following the first opener.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN AFRICA WHEN:

The Pilot Controlled Lighting System consists of a low fly past down the runway at night.

The Pilot Controlled Lighting System at an International Airport differs slightly in that it consists of a request to ATC in a neighboring country to make an international phone call back to one’s destination.

One is only mildly surprised when a destination airport’s actual location is more than 2 miles away from the published co-ordinates.

The 100/100 rule applies, in which pedestrians, cyclists, goats and chickens will not begin to clear the runway until approached by an airplane within 100 yards at more than 100 knots.

The pilot of a jet airplane, recently totally wrecked while running at high speed through bush and trees before crashing to a halt 500 meters off the end of the runway, claims not to have been unduly concerned at the time, because “I have done it before.”

All of the crew of a jet passenger airplane escapes, unscathed, while most of the passengers perished, after crashing in a ball of flame into a crowded market place.

Restrictive ICAO regulations regarding the transport of live animals are resolved by slaughtering the animals with a machete on the ramp.

Losing an engine or a propeller has a more literal application, involving being unable to find it on the ground somewhere en-route.

The “Go Around” possibilities consist of an unpublished terrain gradient leading to a 15,000 ft volcano.

The 2 toilets, locked before takeoff, are discovered en route to contain 15 extra passengers.

The bed of a small “backie” is used to control passenger carry-on baggage volume.

The only air start unit available, when connected to the airplane, belches flames while leaking fuel over it’s batteries.

The new, internationally donated, airport fire trucks stand in readiness to take on diesel and water in case of an emergency.

In francophone countries, a commendable education policy is applied. Where conflicting traffic occurs, ATC will deliberately communicate with each in a different language, (different from the one each is using) thereby concentrating minds, sharpening language skills and underscoring the need for TCAS.

Communication and traffic co-ordination between two ATC services in the same control zone is not possible because neither one has mobile phone airtime units.

Most hard surfaced runways are artistically decorated with elegantly curved black lines, sweeping gracefully off the sides and both ends of the runway.

A wheel change can take all day, but an airplane parked overnight can be retrieved in the morning, minus fuel, wheels, landing gear, engines, propellers, seats, instruments and radios.

In the event of an “AOG”, parts for most Russian and pre 1970s western airplanes can be purchased conveniently at the local fish and vegetable market. (Should be checked for fire damage before use)

The two “spare” wheels on a 4 wheel bogie are considered to be optional extras.

Runway repairs are merely a means by which commercial air operators receive government funds to dig up runways, thereby conveniently reducing the runway length in order to restrict commercial competition.

“Push Back” consists of a gang of local people manually rotating the tires in reverse.

“Cigarette Packet” rules are applied when marshalling taxiing airplanes on the ramp. A strict minimum vertical clearance of one cigarette packet will be maintained at all times between wing overlaps.

“Second” and “Segment” are considered by commercial operators to be dirty words when used in sequence, punishable by a salt mouthwash and a salary postponement.