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Top 10 lies in ATC

Old 2nd Apr 2011, 07:02
  #21 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 484
ATC "Your destination now has 60 mins holding required,advise endurance"
Aeroplane "Amended endurance,now 240mins"
ATC "Where did you get the extra fuel?"
Aeroplane "same place you got the weather"
Aye Ess is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 07:03
  #22 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Gold Coast
Age: 54
Posts: 1,611
Had to do a few ILS into Melbourne many years ago, the weather was pretty low. Got the Sewer Pipe onto the ground each time and when asked what the cloud base was, all I could say was, "fluctuating around a minima."
18-Wheeler is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 09:12
  #23 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: queensland australia
Posts: 136
ATC'er must have had something good on the TV to watch this night, back of clock as usual we got from 80nm out cleared to descend 2000, not below DME steps once established on the T-Vasis cleared visual approach, cleared to land, no requirements on ground, taxi to the bay have a good night.

Nig
nig&nog is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 10:08
  #24 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 188
Flying DHC4 Caribou "WMBT XX maintain best speed to the field"

(I stuffed the sequence and this is a last ditch effort to fix it)

and

"Mel CNT xxxx maintaining FL240"

(I'm maintaing FL240)

"xxx ML CNT G'day)

(I don't care, the guy on the previous sector couldn't be stuffed dealing with you)

Last edited by Gundog01; 5th Apr 2011 at 02:22.
Gundog01 is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 12:27
  #25 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Grey Funnel Lines
Posts: 72
On the airways

Some goodies there.

What ever happened to the back page "on the airways" of the Australian Aviation mag?
FFG 02 is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 13:24
  #26 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: .
Posts: 718
Canned it because apparently CASA started to chase people after stories were published !
puff is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 14:04
  #27 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 41
Darwin Delay

Lostwingnut

Sorry mate, sounds like something I would have done in Darwin.

opps!
somniferous is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 23:38
  #28 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 66
One of my favourites:

12 aircraft approaching perth from different radials with the same ETA.

After some thinking time, CENT declares, "all aircraft reduce by 30kts"....
Long John Silver is offline  
Old 2nd Apr 2011, 23:47
  #29 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Gods country
Posts: 44
ABC are you TCAS equipped?
ABC negative
Disregard then....
kam16 is offline  
Old 3rd Apr 2011, 03:58
  #30 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Running up that hill
Posts: 308
"With your concurrence ABC is direct to..."
("I've already given direct, you have to say yes.")

"Are you happy with the distance between these two?"
("I'm not happy with the distance between these two and I want them off my freq")

"Are you happy with the distance between those two?"
("I'm not accepting that, don't even try to hand them off.")

"FNP due slower preceding traffic..."
"(Oh bugger, FNP isn't an F100 is it.)

"Approach will advise on first contact if speed restrictions can be cancelled."
"(Number one in the sequence has max speed, but its a heavy airbus and we are not hopeful.)

"Change of sequence, cancel fix time, increase to max speed, track direct to a 5 mile final."
("We were correct not to be hopeful.")
Nautilus Blue is offline  
Old 3rd Apr 2011, 14:45
  #31 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Orstraylia
Age: 56
Posts: 26
"Standby"

I am not actually endorsed to control aircraft on this sector but as we only have one controller available today, for a period of 5 hours, he`s had to take a "short break". Don`t worry though, he has left me specific instructions as to what i can do ( basically nothing other than cross my fingers and hope he returns soon!)


"The Flow has moved you up in the sequence"

Maestro has amended the order again without me noticing.

"Due congestion in the Terminal Area"

I didn`t notice you were that quick and you are now 3 minutes early for approach.

"Request a spot wind and ride report"

I`m not sure if you called and i forgot to tick the appropriate box.
Roger Sir is offline  
Old 3rd Apr 2011, 21:28
  #32 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: The land down-under
Posts: 127
Roger Sir,

Did someone say "Libya"?
Dick N. Cider is offline  
Old 4th Apr 2011, 08:09
  #33 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Qld troppo
Posts: 3,471
I've used a similar one before.
ATC: XXX, you've just been through the Kilmore gap, what was the weather like there?
Pilot: Yeah I think it closed in behind me, I wouldn't recommend anyone trying.
(Code for: Cloud was 200ft, I was skud-running all the way)
Maybe you have to be at 200' to fully appreciate the Kilmore Gap. We flew through there last Saturday - looked like the Kilmore Basin to me!

Dr
ForkTailedDrKiller is offline  
Old 4th Apr 2011, 14:35
  #34 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: asia
Posts: 950
Nice one 2 dogs, B717 Vref ( unless extremely light ) and the C310s cruise IAS are approx the same, around 130IAS, good story tho
hongkongfooey is offline  
Old 4th Apr 2011, 22:58
  #35 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Live in Taupiri, Waikato, work in the big smoke, New Zealand
Posts: 545
Not quite a lie, but asking a question that you don't really need the answer too.... One I've used in the past....

"ABC, report your shoe size"

Just wanted the pilot to say something so I could get a reading on the VDF (VHF Direction Finder) so that I could get him in sight.

"Report your birthdate", "...mother's maiden name", "...uncle's address", "...bra size" all work well too.

Usually followed by a "Errrr, say again tower?" and that works just great!!!
slackie is offline  
Old 5th Apr 2011, 00:18
  #36 (permalink)  
When you live....
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: 0.0221 DME Keyboard
Posts: 913
Kilmore

Maybe you have to be at 200' to fully appreciate the Kilmore Gap. We flew through there last Saturday - looked like the Kilmore Basin to me!
If you're not navigating by reference to the headlights of the cars on the freeway then you're too high.....
UnderneathTheRadar is offline  
Old 5th Apr 2011, 01:26
  #37 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: 3rd rock from the sun
Posts: 1,615
Heard the following by Brisy Tower the other night when one of the Flying Doc B200's had just gotten airborne off 01 with a jet lined up and ready behind them.

"XXX we're looking for speed tonight, not altitude"
Hurry up and get out of the way!

morno
morno is online now  
Old 5th Apr 2011, 03:06
  #38 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: in the classroom of life
Age: 51
Posts: 6,879
I am surprised that nobody has posted this....

Greg Russell:
You are all getting a 15% pay rise, and we have 200 new controllers to plug the gaps so you guys can have a proper roster and some holidays!

J
Jabawocky is offline  
Old 5th Apr 2011, 03:37
  #39 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: land down under
Age: 39
Posts: 83
B717 Vref ( unless extremely light ) and the C310s cruise IAS are approx the same, around 130IAS, good story tho
Don't know what 310 you were flying hongkongfooey, but most of the ones i know of are just a tad faster in the cruise.

Great thread guys here guys. I love it.
propblast is offline  
Old 5th Apr 2011, 08:45
  #40 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Up and down SA
Posts: 41
Back in '06 I think at SY 16R, I was on about a 3 mile final......

' K****n *** clear for take off '
' Clear for take off K****n *** '

' K****n *** airborne '

' K****n *** well done!!! '
Naverick is offline  

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