Open mics are a laugh
As the female pilot taxied at [no names please] airport, the air traffic controller asked whether it would be an intersection departure, or would she be requiring the full length? 
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Nooooooooo! The trip to Brisbane will be very boring if I can't fanticise about the BN Centre controller with the sexy Swedish accent!
...silly girl! 
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Best one I heard about was two military helicopters with two pilots in each, flying from one military base to another.
On the Area Flight Service frequency one of the helicopters went onto 'constant transmit' with one of the pilots tellng the bloke he was with how he fu*ked the CO's wife the day before. Unfortunately for him the pilot in the helicopter next to him on the same Area Flight Service frequency was the CO.
Not only had he told the whole world what a good time he had with the CO's wife, but told the CO as well.
I heard there was a pretty good punch up when they both landed!
On the Area Flight Service frequency one of the helicopters went onto 'constant transmit' with one of the pilots tellng the bloke he was with how he fu*ked the CO's wife the day before. Unfortunately for him the pilot in the helicopter next to him on the same Area Flight Service frequency was the CO.
Not only had he told the whole world what a good time he had with the CO's wife, but told the CO as well.
I heard there was a pretty good punch up when they both landed!
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My favourite stuck mic was when a tug driver blocked out the ground frequency in peak hour. The safety officer who hunted him down forgot the first principle of the stuck mic (everyone can hear you) and inadvertently broadcast something like 'your mic's #$%^ you #$%^ dopey #$%'. The airwaves went silent, followed by a quiet 'thank you' from the SMC. 
Second favourite was a student departing BAF bumping the button as he explained that 'it all turned to sh1t' to his instructor. Tower responded in a nice, cosy voice 'and it's not getting any better, is it'.
Re the inverse law of voice attractiveness, it's funny how people you 'meet' frequently on the radio often look completely different to how you imagined them. Not necessarily hotter or fuglier, just different.
Second favourite was a student departing BAF bumping the button as he explained that 'it all turned to sh1t' to his instructor. Tower responded in a nice, cosy voice 'and it's not getting any better, is it'.
Re the inverse law of voice attractiveness, it's funny how people you 'meet' frequently on the radio often look completely different to how you imagined them. Not necessarily hotter or fuglier, just different.
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Or when the F/O doesn't hang the pedestal hand piece up properly, leaving the PA open, and one speaks to the greeting engineer and tells him, and the cabin, that the aircraft is of dubious serviceability. 
Thank heavens, one didn't say "it's fkuced!"
Thank heavens, one didn't say "it's fkuced!"
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If I ever write a memoir, this account, which illustrates the law of inverse beauty in respect of voices, may well be in it. I was in my twenties and working for a travel agency ....... Funny how foolish we can be in our youth ..... and does it ever change?
We both lusted over the secretary of one of our corporate customers, or more accurately, we fantasised over the images her voice invoked. We spent hours trying to summon up courage to invite her for a coffee, or looking for feeble excuses to meet her in person. One day an opportunity arose for a document to be delivered, we spun a coin, I won, and was burning tyre rubber on my way before the coin had been pocketed, as we'd struck an agreement that whichever of us met her first had first shot at mounting a seduction campaign. Previous clandestine reconnaissance paid off and I reached her office building in record time. Standing in front of the object of our fantasies I lost my tongue and my nerve, barely gave the woman a glance, forgot the carefully planned pick-up lines, dropped the ticket wallet, and ran. Only in the lift on the way out did it dawn on me that the dowdy middle aged woman whose office door bore the name of the person over whom we'd been drooling for weeks, and the sexy sounding secretary, were the same person.
Martin was older and more streetwise than I, but gullible, and I was determined to turn this into an opportunity to be 'one up' on him. How I would achieve this was as yet undefined. I imagined telling him that she had accepted my invitation to a romantic evening out. As erotic images of what might have been raced through my mind, I raced through a 'stop' sign and my 75cc. moped collided with a Sunbeam Rapier. Nothing was injured except my pride and left kneecap, both of which still trouble me to this day from time to time.
Much later, back at the office, Martin asked what she was like. Having described her sensuous beauty until Martin was drooling at the mouth, I refused to answer his questions as to future assignations to meet. I implied that I needed time to gather up the courage to ask her out. A few mornings later, Martin walked in and gave me a look that should have ensured I never wrote this. I merely told him he should have kept his word. After that, we had a better understanding.
Martin was older and more streetwise than I, but gullible, and I was determined to turn this into an opportunity to be 'one up' on him. How I would achieve this was as yet undefined. I imagined telling him that she had accepted my invitation to a romantic evening out. As erotic images of what might have been raced through my mind, I raced through a 'stop' sign and my 75cc. moped collided with a Sunbeam Rapier. Nothing was injured except my pride and left kneecap, both of which still trouble me to this day from time to time.
Much later, back at the office, Martin asked what she was like. Having described her sensuous beauty until Martin was drooling at the mouth, I refused to answer his questions as to future assignations to meet. I implied that I needed time to gather up the courage to ask her out. A few mornings later, Martin walked in and gave me a look that should have ensured I never wrote this. I merely told him he should have kept his word. After that, we had a better understanding.
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Must be the near constant use of mobiles, and sms, and the need to "keep in touch", that drives the co's chatting trivia away on company when they have line of sight. Thought they would get the hint indirectly with a few "get off the line there's a train coming", or the old "3 minutes- are you extending?" But no - they just looked blank, and no doubt thought I was an OLD FraT, while I was monitoring the other calls.
Hehe my biggest fear really. I have had it happen once when the PTT on the ericaphone got jammed. Luckily I put it down fairly quickly which kills it! 
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A few years ago RAAF instructor pattering a student pilot with transmit button stuck open. He eventually twigs what's happening and tells student they are returning to the field and to maintain radio silence.
There follows ongoing endless droning of the engine for quite some time on the frequency. Eventually students voice comes over, whispering, " Do you think they can still hear us, sir?"
Followed by "I SAID SHUT UP." Then more engine droning.
There follows ongoing endless droning of the engine for quite some time on the frequency. Eventually students voice comes over, whispering, " Do you think they can still hear us, sir?"
Followed by "I SAID SHUT UP." Then more engine droning.
pilot of an aircraft telling a fellow cockpit dweller on how the "controller fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down"
very red face when he went to apologise.
very red face when he went to apologise.
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I recall a couple of small but funny open mic events from Archerfield a few years back. One student got a clearance to line up, and when he went to move from the holding point, the aircraft took a fair burst of power to move. He said "Come on you bastard!", which the controller must have assumed was directed at him.
Another student was up with an instructor, and the discussion went into more details than most would want to know about their sex lives... More red faces...
TT
Another student was up with an instructor, and the discussion went into more details than most would want to know about their sex lives... More red faces...
TT
