Will Santa need an ASIC?
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Will Santa need an ASIC?
So will the jolly old bloke from up north need an ASIC? Also do you reckon he is abreast of the airspace changes since he was here last year?
If anyone has his email address, we really should give him a heads up! I understand he does have TCAS and EGPWS so that shouldn't be a problem. I do think that he won't be able to get his ASIC back from CASA before the 25th though.
A very worried TBT...
If anyone has his email address, we really should give him a heads up! I understand he does have TCAS and EGPWS so that shouldn't be a problem. I do think that he won't be able to get his ASIC back from CASA before the 25th though.
A very worried TBT...
His biggest problem mate will be getting enough presents to deliver. Seems alot of the shopping centres are banning people leaving presents under the 'wishing tree' because of terrorism issues.
OK people Christmas is over!
OK people Christmas is over!
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noradsanta
Guys!!
All that time flying and you don't read NOTAMs?
www.noradsanta.org
As the old fella does not file flight plans, being rather set in his ways, the Canadians and Americans have the responsibility of tracking him and advising the rest of the world of his progress.
The above website is delightful in a tacky sort of way and the graphics get better each year. Canuck F18's getting outpaced etc etc
The space junk monitoring stations such as at Pyramid Point on Ascension also feed their whack in and I guess that's what Pine Gap is for!!!
All that time flying and you don't read NOTAMs?
www.noradsanta.org
As the old fella does not file flight plans, being rather set in his ways, the Canadians and Americans have the responsibility of tracking him and advising the rest of the world of his progress.
The above website is delightful in a tacky sort of way and the graphics get better each year. Canuck F18's getting outpaced etc etc
The space junk monitoring stations such as at Pyramid Point on Ascension also feed their whack in and I guess that's what Pine Gap is for!!!
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And next year if he wants to deliver pressies to the water boys, he'll might need an ASIC and an MSIC.
http://www.dotars.gov.au/transsec/ma...me_ID_card.pdf
He might be able to plead that
will get him off having to have both cards.
why do i see brain-dead politicians and bureaucrats everywhere?
http://www.dotars.gov.au/transsec/ma...me_ID_card.pdf
What if I already have an Aviation
Security Identification Card (ASIC)?
You still need to apply for an MSIC, even if you already
have an Aviation Security Identification Card (or ASIC),
but you won’t need to go through the background
checking process again.
Who needs to have an MSIC and an ASIC?
People who may need both ID cards could be: helicopter
and amphibious pilots, couriers, transport operators who
currently need to access the secure areas of airports,
some administrators and government employees.
Security Identification Card (ASIC)?
You still need to apply for an MSIC, even if you already
have an Aviation Security Identification Card (or ASIC),
but you won’t need to go through the background
checking process again.
Who needs to have an MSIC and an ASIC?
People who may need both ID cards could be: helicopter
and amphibious pilots, couriers, transport operators who
currently need to access the secure areas of airports,
some administrators and government employees.
Who needs an MSIC?
If you work in a maritime security zone you need an MSIC.
...
You also
need an MSIC if you visit an Australian regulated port, ship
or offshore facility more than once a year to deliver or drop
off goods, provide services or conduct regular maintenance.
If you work in a maritime security zone you need an MSIC.
...
You also
need an MSIC if you visit an Australian regulated port, ship
or offshore facility more than once a year to deliver or drop
off goods, provide services or conduct regular maintenance.
why do i see brain-dead politicians and bureaucrats everywhere?
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I guess he has anti-icing. Uses "Bleed blood" to warm the skin of the deer.
Rotate Speed: It would have to be low - after all , he has the performance to take off a house roof!
Number of Engines: Not sure.. but how do you give a reindeer it's hundred hourly - Visions of a LAME with one of those arm length gloves
Rotate Speed: It would have to be low - after all , he has the performance to take off a house roof!
Number of Engines: Not sure.. but how do you give a reindeer it's hundred hourly - Visions of a LAME with one of those arm length gloves
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As I see it Santa won't need an ASIC because his slegh is not on the AUS register and he carries a FAA/JAA license and therefore he doesn't require one
I'm hoping that is true because that is the situation I am in....
I'm hoping that is true because that is the situation I am in....
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It’s that time of year again. The big man is getting ready to do his annual courier run to all the worlds kids (and biggies too!). Straya is first on the list (the Kiwi’s weren’t good little boys this year) so Santa decides to have a little tropical mini-vac first and then start his journey. Having overnighted he staggers towards his sleigh as an empty Bundy bottle falls out of his pocket. He muses that the capacity of Queenslanders to consume alcohol is in direct inversion to their capacity to speak intelligibly.
‘Better pre-flight the old bus’ he thinks. ‘hmmm… Engines OK (four of them, happily chewing cud), fuel on (more cud), anti-collision lights on (what pretty fairy lights), and sacks all packed (My, how full they are this year), seat belt and on… OK let’s go!!’
As he pulls out onto the taxiway gar he spies a vehicle approaching and a rather portly official approaches.
‘Scuse me Sir’ he says, ‘I represent the Cause All Santas Aggro Authority, CASA for short. I’m doing a routine ramp check. Can I see your load and balance sheet for this, emm, aircraft?’
Santa pulls out the relevant computer printout. It’s in five bound volumes.
‘It’s a bit big’ says the CASA man.
‘What do you expect?’ says Santa. ‘I’ve 1 billion, 925 million, 672 thousand, four hundred and forty four children to deliver to. And then I’ve got to start on the grown ups’
‘So’, says CASA, ‘How can you explain the fact that your manifest says two sacks at 2 cubic metres, weight 123,000 tonnes’
‘I’m also a magician’ says Santa smugly.
‘Hang on’ the CASA man goes on ‘this isn’t a private flight, you must be running a freight charter- where’s your AOC?’
Rolling his eyes the big man reaches under his hat and pulls out the relevant document.
CASA reads it and warns ‘look, I won’t do you this time but be careful- this AOC is only valid for one night you know’
Santa gets back onto the sled but before he can get going another vehicle approaches- this one with menacing flashing blue lights.
‘Hold it right there….Sir…’ grunts a rather heavily armed individual. I’m with the Department of Trying Awful Rules, Office of Troll Security, DOTARS/OTS for short. Our surveillance cameras picked up a suspicious person. You. And we’d like to know what you are doing.’
Santa thought of the famous prayer ‘Oh Lord please give all people on this world the precious gift of patience- but I want mine NOW!’ ‘I’m an authorized courier delivering time sensitive parcels’
You aren’t DHL or Fedex are you?’ said DOTARS. ‘If you are I want to see a copy of your freight Transport Security Programme. Anyway, our cameras picked up a suspicious individual’
‘What the he… sorry, what on earth is wrong with me?’ Said Santa.
‘You have a beard’ said DOTARS,’ that’s suss for a start. And then those bright red clothes- a bit out of the ordinary wouldn’t you think?’
‘Look!’ said Santa, ‘I’m blo…. I’m blooming well Santa Clause! You know, the gift bringer, friend of kids, reindeer driver, ho ho ho and all that twaddling!’
‘ID?’ said DOTARS, ‘Where’s your ASIC?’
‘Whats an ASIC?” demands an increasingly red-faced Santa.
‘And that’s another thing’ says the man ‘your skin colour. It’s getting more and more dusky. That’s another thing we look for’
‘Anyway’, he continues, ‘an ASIC is an Australian Santa Identification Card. It’s mandatory now at all ports and airports. You need a full background ID check before we issue one you know!’ he says pompously.
Santa wonders who could possibly do a background check on him and what would they find? Breach of employment regulations by having so many unpaid elves? OH&S breaches by not having heating? Too many stamps in his passport? Then he thinks.
‘I don’t need an ASIC! I have diplomatic status!’
‘Of which country may I ask?’
‘The North Pole!’ Santa says triumphantly.
This deflates the bureaucrat. ‘OK, you can go but watch it. We don’t like strange people around our airports you know!’
Finally Saint Nick can get going. ‘Up Dancer and Prancer!’ he cries, ‘Up into the wide blue yonder! Lets get these presents delivered while we still can!’
‘Aircraft tracking 180, 25 thousand 5 miles south of Longreach please identify’ a voice goes off in his ear.
‘This is Santa Express One Heavy’ he broadcasts. ‘Tracking 180 for all points Australia’
‘Squawk 2512 and ident’
Santa does as he is told.
‘Express One Heavy your flight plan not received stay outside of controlled airspace and resume own navigation’
‘Blow this’ thinks Santa’, I’ll have to come in low.
‘Express One Heavy this is Brisbane Centre. Be advised you may proceed direct your destination however Airservices Australia accounting advises that your enroute charge for this flight will be $23 million in view of your declared weight and destinations’
‘So Bill me!’ thinks Santa ‘Express One Heavy affirmative’
The flight drones on. It’s a beautiful night down under. The stars twinkle and the ribbon of lights that denote civilization gets bigger and bigger.
‘Err, Sydney Tower this is Santa Express One Heavy. Request low pass over all suburbs for courier delivery operations’
‘Express One heavy this is Sydney. Request denied. Remain clear of controlled airspace’
‘For what reason Sydney?’
‘It’s the curfew old boy’ says Sydney’ We can’t have aircraft disturbing the little kiddies sleep can we- after all it IS Christmas’
‘But for crying out loud!’ says Santa’ I don’t make any noise’
‘Maybe not but a curfew is a curfew. After all we have to keep the air clear for Santa you know’
‘But I AM Santa you dic…. Idiot!!’
‘Oh are you?’ Says Sydney. ‘Describe yourself then’
Santa does so- the usual red outfit, white beard black bet red nose deal.
‘Nope’ says Sydney tower’ you don’t comply with my faxed description of Santa. What I have here is 45-50 year old male, balding, smirk on face, nervous smile.’
‘That’s Peter Costello you twonkl’ screams Santa
‘Sorry can’t let you in. byee….’
Santa stares into the darkness. Where to go to? He has the entire world to deliver to and he isn’t yet at first base.
‘No time’ he thinks. ‘I’d better dump all the Australian presents’ somewhere and then bingo off to the next port of call. But where?’ So he starts calling other airports and gets much the same reply. It’s a bit like trying to put a toxic waste dump somewhere. Everyone’s a NIMBY at this time of night. Finally he thinks ‘ADELAIDE!! The city of churches! They are bound to take all my presents. So he calls Adelaide approach’
‘Adelaide Approach Express One Heavy requesting landing clearance for urgent freight offload, refuel and departure’
‘Express One Heavy this is Adelaide. Wilco but be advised that no fuel available. Our new terminal building still has not been cleared for hydrant fuelling’
Santa really does not have time any more so he dumps the lot at Adelaide and takes off with minimum fuel for his next destination.
‘OK’ thinks Santa’ at least that lot are out of the way. So whats my next destination?’
He looks in his flight plan.
‘Ah Ha!’ he says ‘Such an apt place to go! They are bound to welcome me. Come on guys, let’s go to Christmas Island!!’
‘Christmas Island Control this is Santa Express One heavy with you at 35 inbound with lots of presents for your kids!’
‘Err Express One Heavy this is Christmas Island Control. Landing approval not confirmed please contact DIMIA for further details’
‘DIMIA?..........’
‘Better pre-flight the old bus’ he thinks. ‘hmmm… Engines OK (four of them, happily chewing cud), fuel on (more cud), anti-collision lights on (what pretty fairy lights), and sacks all packed (My, how full they are this year), seat belt and on… OK let’s go!!’
As he pulls out onto the taxiway gar he spies a vehicle approaching and a rather portly official approaches.
‘Scuse me Sir’ he says, ‘I represent the Cause All Santas Aggro Authority, CASA for short. I’m doing a routine ramp check. Can I see your load and balance sheet for this, emm, aircraft?’
Santa pulls out the relevant computer printout. It’s in five bound volumes.
‘It’s a bit big’ says the CASA man.
‘What do you expect?’ says Santa. ‘I’ve 1 billion, 925 million, 672 thousand, four hundred and forty four children to deliver to. And then I’ve got to start on the grown ups’
‘So’, says CASA, ‘How can you explain the fact that your manifest says two sacks at 2 cubic metres, weight 123,000 tonnes’
‘I’m also a magician’ says Santa smugly.
‘Hang on’ the CASA man goes on ‘this isn’t a private flight, you must be running a freight charter- where’s your AOC?’
Rolling his eyes the big man reaches under his hat and pulls out the relevant document.
CASA reads it and warns ‘look, I won’t do you this time but be careful- this AOC is only valid for one night you know’
Santa gets back onto the sled but before he can get going another vehicle approaches- this one with menacing flashing blue lights.
‘Hold it right there….Sir…’ grunts a rather heavily armed individual. I’m with the Department of Trying Awful Rules, Office of Troll Security, DOTARS/OTS for short. Our surveillance cameras picked up a suspicious person. You. And we’d like to know what you are doing.’
Santa thought of the famous prayer ‘Oh Lord please give all people on this world the precious gift of patience- but I want mine NOW!’ ‘I’m an authorized courier delivering time sensitive parcels’
You aren’t DHL or Fedex are you?’ said DOTARS. ‘If you are I want to see a copy of your freight Transport Security Programme. Anyway, our cameras picked up a suspicious individual’
‘What the he… sorry, what on earth is wrong with me?’ Said Santa.
‘You have a beard’ said DOTARS,’ that’s suss for a start. And then those bright red clothes- a bit out of the ordinary wouldn’t you think?’
‘Look!’ said Santa, ‘I’m blo…. I’m blooming well Santa Clause! You know, the gift bringer, friend of kids, reindeer driver, ho ho ho and all that twaddling!’
‘ID?’ said DOTARS, ‘Where’s your ASIC?’
‘Whats an ASIC?” demands an increasingly red-faced Santa.
‘And that’s another thing’ says the man ‘your skin colour. It’s getting more and more dusky. That’s another thing we look for’
‘Anyway’, he continues, ‘an ASIC is an Australian Santa Identification Card. It’s mandatory now at all ports and airports. You need a full background ID check before we issue one you know!’ he says pompously.
Santa wonders who could possibly do a background check on him and what would they find? Breach of employment regulations by having so many unpaid elves? OH&S breaches by not having heating? Too many stamps in his passport? Then he thinks.
‘I don’t need an ASIC! I have diplomatic status!’
‘Of which country may I ask?’
‘The North Pole!’ Santa says triumphantly.
This deflates the bureaucrat. ‘OK, you can go but watch it. We don’t like strange people around our airports you know!’
Finally Saint Nick can get going. ‘Up Dancer and Prancer!’ he cries, ‘Up into the wide blue yonder! Lets get these presents delivered while we still can!’
‘Aircraft tracking 180, 25 thousand 5 miles south of Longreach please identify’ a voice goes off in his ear.
‘This is Santa Express One Heavy’ he broadcasts. ‘Tracking 180 for all points Australia’
‘Squawk 2512 and ident’
Santa does as he is told.
‘Express One Heavy your flight plan not received stay outside of controlled airspace and resume own navigation’
‘Blow this’ thinks Santa’, I’ll have to come in low.
‘Express One Heavy this is Brisbane Centre. Be advised you may proceed direct your destination however Airservices Australia accounting advises that your enroute charge for this flight will be $23 million in view of your declared weight and destinations’
‘So Bill me!’ thinks Santa ‘Express One Heavy affirmative’
The flight drones on. It’s a beautiful night down under. The stars twinkle and the ribbon of lights that denote civilization gets bigger and bigger.
‘Err, Sydney Tower this is Santa Express One Heavy. Request low pass over all suburbs for courier delivery operations’
‘Express One heavy this is Sydney. Request denied. Remain clear of controlled airspace’
‘For what reason Sydney?’
‘It’s the curfew old boy’ says Sydney’ We can’t have aircraft disturbing the little kiddies sleep can we- after all it IS Christmas’
‘But for crying out loud!’ says Santa’ I don’t make any noise’
‘Maybe not but a curfew is a curfew. After all we have to keep the air clear for Santa you know’
‘But I AM Santa you dic…. Idiot!!’
‘Oh are you?’ Says Sydney. ‘Describe yourself then’
Santa does so- the usual red outfit, white beard black bet red nose deal.
‘Nope’ says Sydney tower’ you don’t comply with my faxed description of Santa. What I have here is 45-50 year old male, balding, smirk on face, nervous smile.’
‘That’s Peter Costello you twonkl’ screams Santa
‘Sorry can’t let you in. byee….’
Santa stares into the darkness. Where to go to? He has the entire world to deliver to and he isn’t yet at first base.
‘No time’ he thinks. ‘I’d better dump all the Australian presents’ somewhere and then bingo off to the next port of call. But where?’ So he starts calling other airports and gets much the same reply. It’s a bit like trying to put a toxic waste dump somewhere. Everyone’s a NIMBY at this time of night. Finally he thinks ‘ADELAIDE!! The city of churches! They are bound to take all my presents. So he calls Adelaide approach’
‘Adelaide Approach Express One Heavy requesting landing clearance for urgent freight offload, refuel and departure’
‘Express One Heavy this is Adelaide. Wilco but be advised that no fuel available. Our new terminal building still has not been cleared for hydrant fuelling’
Santa really does not have time any more so he dumps the lot at Adelaide and takes off with minimum fuel for his next destination.
‘OK’ thinks Santa’ at least that lot are out of the way. So whats my next destination?’
He looks in his flight plan.
‘Ah Ha!’ he says ‘Such an apt place to go! They are bound to welcome me. Come on guys, let’s go to Christmas Island!!’
‘Christmas Island Control this is Santa Express One heavy with you at 35 inbound with lots of presents for your kids!’
‘Err Express One Heavy this is Christmas Island Control. Landing approval not confirmed please contact DIMIA for further details’
‘DIMIA?..........’
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So will the jolly old bloke from up north need an ASIC?
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Santa is a fake, fraud and something that our Governments have conjured up to divert out attention from such things over the years as, increased taxes, unwanted workplace reforms, invasions of other countires, alleged wars on terror and so on.
And I can prove it!
Here is why Santa is not real. (apologies to any children reading)
1. There are 2 billion children (under 1 in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, thus reducing the workload to 15% of the total 378 million, according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
2. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting the stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and so forth. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, a conventionally configured reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
3. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases gross weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is 4x the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
4. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy, per second. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 one-thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
Conclusion - If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Cheers
Gus Oh, and Merry Christmas!
And I can prove it!
Here is why Santa is not real. (apologies to any children reading)
1. There are 2 billion children (under 1 in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, thus reducing the workload to 15% of the total 378 million, according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
2. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting the stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and so forth. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, a conventionally configured reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
3. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases gross weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is 4x the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
4. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy, per second. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 one-thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
Conclusion - If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Cheers
Gus Oh, and Merry Christmas!
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Piffle, I say to you tactical71, piffle.
Our guv'ment never lies to or misleads, its' subjects.
As Fulmars' erudite treatise explains
QED.
There is a Santa Claus, and he doesn't need an ASIC.
PAF, two arm-length gloves per reindeer are required for each 100 hourly. Caribou require eight. I don't know what the jumbos require.
Our guv'ment never lies to or misleads, its' subjects.
As Fulmars' erudite treatise explains
‘I’m also a magician’ says Santa ...
There is a Santa Claus, and he doesn't need an ASIC.
PAF, two arm-length gloves per reindeer are required for each 100 hourly. Caribou require eight. I don't know what the jumbos require.
