War too expensive?
 

Whilst perusing the Telegraph this morning over my kedgeree and earl grey, I was delighted to read that the Treasury have decided that war with Iraq will be too expensive. They have, therefore, asked Britain's Top Brass to go away and come back with something cheaper :D

In these times of struggle, both military and financial, I believe we, the foot soldiers and general underlings, should assist our masters by coming up with any savings we can that would help fund the war effort.

To that end, may I suggest the following:

1. Entire Tucano fleet to be melted down to make saucepans and fence railings. These could then be sold on to help fund the war effort. Tens, or even hundreds of pounds could be made in this way.

2. Ammunition supplies to be scaled down; personnel are to shout "bang, bang". This will, obviously, require an element of co-operation on the enemy's behalf - although I'm sure the government would never send us to war against someone who didn't haven't the common decency to help us out in these times of financial belt-tightening. Anyway, this worked perfectly well when I was in the CCF at school.

3. Excess capacity on Hercules schedules to be offered up to the public. This would require a bit of market research although there could well be a demand for expensive, slow, uncomfortable flights to the remotest parts of the Arabian desert.

4. All Tornado/Harrier/Jaguar aircraft to be placed into storage. This effective policy has been shown to reap huge dividends on the Apache project and there can be no reason why the brains behind that coup cannot set to work on the fast jet force.

5. Rather than issue expensive boots to everyone that only end up melting in the desert, personnel should be encouraged to bring their own footwear. There would need to be some guidance from above however common sense would dictate that a cheap flip-flop or light sandal would be ideal for the desert whereas perhaps a stout brogue would be more suitable for a temperate theatre.

6. Personnel to bring their own plasters and bandages. This will allow the pensioning off what’s left of the military medical establishment. Again, there would need to be some initial expert medical guidance in this area however broadly speaking, if one was “feeling lucky” then one could perhaps dispense with most items save a couple of plasters and some Autan mosquito cream.

7. Personnel to bring own sandwiches to war. These should be wrapped in cling film to help them last longer. A nice thermos of tea might also be a bit of a morale booster too.

8. Families of personnel killed or injured in combat could be billed for the laundering and repair of any clothing or equipment in their loved one’s possession at the time of his or her demise. This would encourage personnel to look after their equipment and to not get killed. Failing that, this would should be a tidy source of income for the treasury.


Any more ideas that could help keep Gordon Brown in office, sorry, strike that….

Any more ideas that will help Britain once again rise up and crush the evil foreign dervishes threatening to rape our women, spear our infants on pitchforks and commit other generally unseemly acts?
:mad:




:rolleyes:

Issue Albert crews with Ryvita instead of pies; should halve the fuel bill.
:)

Lets all build a solar still when sat on the ground in the desert during our slip patterns. This would save buying all that lovely thrice-filtered bottled water. We could even bring our empty Keo bottles with us from the previous nite-stop, to fill with water from our solar stills, this can then be sold as genuine desert water! We could make a fortune out of our bottled water...... no one would pay for water... would they?

Meanwhile, over in Spam-land, the 7-ship USS Constellation battle group has set sail for who knows where- with 8000 US sailors and marines on board.

"We expect to go into harm's way. We expect to make America proud" quoth Admiral Barry Costello.......

Well - good to know that they're so positive about a peaceful and democratic solution to the World's problems.

"Hoo-ah. Sir, yes Sir- proud to serve! Let's go kick some Eye-raqi butt" was all that was missing. No wonder there were such concerns about the gung-ho attitude of the Mreenkorr in the First Gulf War................

Wouldn't it just be better to sell some of those 'mothballed' Apaches to raise extra cash?? There should even be some cash left over to go on into Iran and start a fight there?

:D

A couple of years ago we had 168 Air officers in the RAF and more Wing Commanders than Warrant officers/Masters. Perhaps we could save by whittling down some of the topheaviness of the air force and use the money more usefully, such as buying a new No1 uniform for all the other non-commissoned ranks. Alternatively we could save the MoD money by having a more efficient procurement method; I suggest we call it smart procurement, it cannot fail but be a winner.
How about saving a few coppers at Ice Station Kilo by having the NOCU do its Medex from Waddington and instead of flying in the Med fly in the North sea!:)

StopStart,
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but all of your idea's have already been put into effect by the Canadian Armed Forces years ago.
We also thought that on stop overs, we could map out the closest McDonalds. We could then have a look through the garbage for old hamburgers. (cuts down on TDY costs)
If at a civilian airfield, we could be issued with redcaps inorder to carry passenger's luggage. We could at least then try to pay for the fuel we were using.

Savings
 

Another ploy to boost morale would be to distribute spare extra flying clothing amongst FJ and ME crews by making the Chinook force fly naked over the desert; (it would cut down on heat exhaustion!)...We could also recruit page 3 models as loadies and dangle them off the ramp as we fly over the troops at 50':D

Mr StopStart

A very succinct post, I must say, and one that will undoubtedly be under consideration by the powers that be even as we speak.

But...Earl Grey for breakfast? Now that will rock the boat in Whitehall!