It said PISSGATE and you opened it.

Caveat emptor.

Never heard that story, and I've done plenty of trips offshore. Thankfully now you are issued with your survival suit at the embarkation heliport and that is yours for the entire trip. It sits in your cabin and it's what you would use if you needed to evacuate from the accommodation. If out on deck in an emergency you help yourself to one of the suits in lockers on deck. Life jackets, however, are exchanged on deck between incoming and outgoing personnel as the chopper arrives.

At least it was just a No 1, could have been worse, far worse.

Early 80's at a certain not so secret RE base/engineering school somewhere near Chatham the students were entertained by attending a weekly Co's parade at stupid o'clock, No 2 Dress was naturally required.

One L/Cpl (not me I hasten to add, nor was I involved in the planting/laying of the items ) having been out on the lash the night before and getting in latish or was it earlyish… got up far too late and rushed to get ready... Got the kit on, looked well smart too all things considering and was a sure fire for complements from the inspecting officer.

It went downhill and just kept going when he quickly put his best boots on... Should have looked first, he really should have looked first... The feet went in to a sort of cold squishing sensation (his description later, but it may have been put more colourful at the time) and the smell..... So here he was, dressed to impress, just enough time to do the laces up and get out there and smelling like.... Well, I'm sure you can imagine.

An impression was certainly made. Wasn't the one he hoped for mind and the Provo Sgt had a certain knack of putting it over in a way that you couldn't fail to understand..... but then when a serial practical joker who had spent most of the course inflicting things various on the rest of the course fails to check his boots for a revenge No 2.......

Right, now I've managed to lower the tone in a true squaddie fashion I'm off for a brew and ten minutes on ARRSE....

Hopefully he didn't buy anything from the helpful adverts offered....

Many moons ago, in the middle of the night I was fast asleep in my room at RAF Laarbruch when I was suddenly awakened by someone switching on my room light. My room was slightly partitioned by a supporting wall, so I couldn’t see my door from my bed. I quickly got up to find someone standing up and p*ssing on my sofa! What in the **** are you doing says I to the man standing there, who seemed oblivious to what he was doing (it was no-one I recognised either). He suddenly woke up, stopped the stream and bolted out of my door. Next morning, much embarrassment and laughter at breakfast in the mess – it transpired that he was a visitor on a course and suffered from sleep walking (& p*ssing by all accounts) and at the time of the ‘offence’ thought he was in his bathroom at home!!

The fine was a case of Becks or Wobbly which in hindsight probably wasn’t a good thing, given I’m sure I shared a can or two with him the following night!

I once suffered a similar problem at RAF Mountbatten, where I'd gone for a sea survival refresher course. I had travelled back from abroad so was very tired. I booked into my room (which had twin beds) at the end of the afternoon and went for an evening meal. When I returned I realised that someone else had been booked into the same room (I had been told this might be necessary when I booked in) and had put their stuff on the other bed. I later went to bed, only to vaguely become aware of someone coming into the room and getting into the other bed.

After a while, I woke up with a start, sensing someone standing right next to my bed. What was worse was that he was obviously worse for drink and he was trying to pee in the adjacent sink. My soap, flannel and toothbrush were taking a real soaking. I just said "OI!" and he jumped a foot. Next day the bar steward completely denied it.

Yet more great banter on the mil history forum.

Was it just a miss-spelling of Puss-in-Boots?