Stolen from another thread:

'A Guide To Mess Sport at Dining In Nights'

Before Dinner - little opportunity for sporting activity. Time should be spent on 'preparing' the tables laid out in the Dining Room by sabotaging the furniture or re-arranging the seating plan. Alternatively, you can just have a few 'sharpners' to get in the mood ahead of everyone else.

During Dinner - sporting activities are frowned upon before the loyal toast. Confine your activity to eating & drinking, telling very non-PC jokes and lusting after the WAAFS - the latter activity will increase exponentially in proportion to the amount of alcohol consumed.

After the loyal toast - the fun can begin:

Potholing - crawling underneath the tables to either escape through the kitchen door or, more likely, to tie someone's shoelaces together. High risk of a swift kick in the ribs if discovered. Strong possibility your chair will be missing if you manage to return to your point of entry.

Table Shuffling - achieved by shuffling the table along whilst remaining seated. Head for the door if the speaker is retiring and has started to run through his service history.

Mortar Bombs - the weapon of choice. Use an old tin tube which once housed tennis balls. Squirt some lighter fluid into the tube, cover the top and give it a good shake, add the ammunition and heat the baseplate with a gas lighter for the desired effect. General direction of fire is up the legs of the seating plan, towards the centre.

Afterwards in the Ante Room/Bar:

High Cockalorum - 2 teams of about a dozen. One team, the supporting team, lines up crouched over at 90 degrees and each individual grabs hold of the person in front. Front man stands facing back down the team to provide impact prediction. The other team then take it in turn to charge up the room and leap onto the back of the supporting team. If all of the team can mount and remain mounted for 10 seconds, without the supporting team collapsing, the supporting team wins. Not a recommended sporting activity for 10 stone dripping wet girls blouses, as the prospect of a 17 stone alcohol fuelled monster, snorting like a crazed rhino as he charges up the room before landing on your back at 15 mph, is likely to result in catastrophic failure of the middle vertebra, broken limbs or worse. Popular during WW2 and the 1950's then banned. Only played underground these days by F3 crews - allegedly.

Tug-of-War - 2 teams any size. Usually fighting over an old broom handle. Little opportunity for dirty tricks, apart from the 2 front men who often 'accidentally' ram their foot between their opponents legs, causing severe crushing injuries to the parts. Only sport where WAAF teams occasionally participate, when it becomes an outstanding male spectator sport, particularly if full 'webbing' is being worn.

Jousting - 'mano-a-mano'. Sadly, with the withdrawal of RAF issue bicycles, this sport has almost entirely disappeared. Mount the bikes holding a mop as your lance, line up at opposite ends of the anteroom and go for it. Star performers often recommended using a short grip on the mop and wielding it as a club for maximum effect. Alternative strategies were the 'chicken', where you rode directly at your opponent, hurling the mob as a spear when the range closed, and then hoping you would suffer less injury than your opponent in the resulting head-on collision. Alternatively, using the 'Light Brigade' strategy, you could ignore your opponent entirely and direct your charge at someone who has recently incurred your wrath - historically Cavalry have always triumphed over unsupported infantry. Falling onto a bicycle can be dangerous - having a bicycle pedal extracted from the inner depths of your posterior can make your eyes water - somewhat. Privately owned, state-of-the-art, carbon fibre, 24 speed mountain bikes are not recommended as suitable mounts - unless they belong to someone else.

Mess Rugby - any size of team. Usually played with an old cushion, if played with an actual Rugby ball, advisable to consider slight deflation. Rules count for little as does the aim of scoring a try at one end of the room. Excellent opportunity to settle old scores without being identified in the general mayhem. Not recommended for unpopular senior officers. Touch kicks through the anteroom windows should be discouraged. Only jackets and shoes should be removed before play commences, thereby allowing opportunities for maximum destruction of remaining items of Mess Dress worn by unpopular staff. Excellent prospects for exchanging your old patent leather shoes for a new pair if retiring early 'hors de combat'.

Piano Demolition - teams of varying sizes, best played outdoors. Demolish a piano by any means in the minimum time. If played as a 'time-trial' between teams, excellent opportunities for pre-dinner preparation thereby ensuring a fast time. Destruction is usually followed by ritual immolation by fire. Fire jumping is also popular, but not recommended for those of a nervous disposition or visiting American F15 aircrew. It is advisable to actually own the piano before commencing this activity.

Stool Dancing - one team, any number generally played in the bar. Link arms around a bar stool. Aim is to pull/push someone into the stool. Anyone who knocks over the stool is eliminated. Ideal competitor has arms like a prop forward and legs like an Olympic high jumper - an unlikely combination. Can drag on for ages and become boring for spectators. Good opportunity for young bloods to impress nubile young WAAFS with their manly strength, until they get smashed into an adjacent fruit machine whilst distracted.

Crud or Tags - teams of varying sizes around a snooker table. Two snooker balls, one red, one white. Rules vary. Basic aim is to sink your opponent's ball down one of the holes before he sinks yours. Charge around the table, grab your ball and try and smash it into your opponents, hopefully sending theirs down a hole. Generally, obstruction or blocking is allowed, although spectators should not be caught participating in this activity. Plenty of opportunities for damaged fingers and even more spectacular teeth and facial injuries when the balls gather momentum and ricochet off the table. Wearing an expensive designer watch when playing Crud is not recommended.

Wall Circumnavigation - solo activity, usually for exhibitionists. With the closure of so many old Officers Messes, most of the more historically challenging pitches are no longer accessible. Old picture rails make excellent handholds but rarely withstand much load. Mantelpieces make excellent temporary bivouacs. Boring spectator sport - contestants usually become 'targets of opportunity'.

Bottle Walking - any number can play. See how far you can 'walk' out on two bottles, with your feet behind a line, leave one bottle as far out as possible and hop back on the other. Advisable to use bottles of reasonable thickness as sudden failure can lead to substantial lacerations and loss of blood. Look for old blood stains on carpet for previous play area.

Moriarty - 1 v 1. Contestants are blindfolded and are armed with a rolled up newspaper in their right hand. They lie down on floor facing each other, clasping their opponents left hand. The aim is to take it in turns to batter your opponent with your newspaper after you have enquired as to their whereabouts. To guarantee victory, ensure you are armed with the entire Sunday Times, including supplements, and your opponent is issued with a copy of the RAF News.

Spinning - unlimited numbers of fools may play. Essentially a relay race where contestants sprint down the length of the room, drink some beer then spin around a broom, with their forehead against the end, before attempting to stagger back down the other end of the room and ''tag'' their team-mate. Amusing spectator sport, but inadvisable to stand too close to the arena, as contestants who have imbibed excessively may suffer from extreme disorientation, resulting in sudden inadvertent projectile vomiting.

Pyros - anyone can play. Not so much a sport, more of a habit. Most participants have lots of 'previous' for pyrotechnic offences and are generally found in the SH fleet. Skilled proponents of this activity wait until a group of 'blunties' have formed-up, and are eagerly discussing the latest station budget, before gently rolling a lit Thunderflash into the group. Considerable street-cred can be gained by first pretending to ignore the fizzing pyro, before casually flicking it away with your foot. Instant decision making is called for in these circumstances, making Blunties the preferred target. Delaying the decision to flick the pyro away can be hazardous to your health, particularly your toes. Pyro participants are advised to enquire in advance of opening their offensive when the carpets are scheduled to be replaced. Smoke canister's are not recommended for use in the bar immediately after a ladies guest night.

Demolition Derby - unlimited fun in a car. Decide on a suitable venue, ideally right in front of the Officers Mess, and agree a course around various flowerbeds and any other suitable local features. Start up and go. Last car still running at the end is the winner. Best to tart the car up to look like a mates without him realising. Not a good idea to invite local reporters to cover this event. Annual festival staged at Coningsby.

Bob C

You missed:
After the loyal toast

Defenestration - a suitable victim is grabbed by at least two accomplices and hurled at the curtains. If everything goes to plan, a pot-holer will have snuck out and silently opened the window behind the curtain (a window where the runners had been pre-greased before the dinner). If the miscreants are feeling particularly generous, there will be a mattress or similar outside the window.

Needless to say, should the pot-holer be delayed, or open the wrong window, or the accomplices select the wrong window, or..., or....

The exercise has the benefit (or otherwise) of showing how good the miscreants are at planning, and executing said plan.

One variation of a "demolition derby" during a Dining In night was performed around the RAF's First Officers' Mess (i.e. Farnborough) in the late 60's.
The vehicle chosen for negotiating the flower beds around the mess was a "borrowed" diesel road -roller, commanded by an Admiral.

the wrong floor.

ummmmm.

We must all be getting old.

I have been waiting for three pages for someone to mention the 'great bomber command' guest night at Waddington.

It seems a new generation of PPruners know about it, and the old V force mates are all out to pasture trying to remember!

Fox 3 - happened in the Junior Mess at the Towers - a cadet slid down the table towards the window and as he went someone realised and exclaimed "Oh sh1t, we are upstairs not downstairs". Victim went on to a distinguished career in and out of the Service - ironically, at the time, his father was Director of Flight Safety!

You mean this one.

http://www.pprune.org/military-aviat...addington.html

Might we just spend a little time to review the preferred methods of achieving Piano Immolation ... purely based on technical merits and creativity. It might be helpful to address the topic around (1) Ignition Methods and (2) The use of Accelerants ...

I was told that a Canberra Starter Cartridge was a good choice :}

A ripped-up BINA ERS stuffed into bowels of the Joanna, followed by the night end of a day/night distress flare works well.....

....I'm told.

Don't do this at home!

Having been banned by the PMC from burning the main piano, a 12 foot high replica was constructed from the remains of the summer ball decorations. It was ignited by 3 Canberra starting cartridges....

..and in the ensuing excitement, the main piano got burned too.

>A ripped-up BINA ERS stuffed into bowels of the Joanna, followed by the night end of a day/night distress flare works well.....<

It is said that in the glory days of UWAS a piano was once taken to the centre of the airfield at St Athan. Several crumpled-up broadsheets borrowed from the ante-room were inserted into the works, sprinkled with a small amount of AVPIN and ignited per thunderflash. This caused an almighty explosion that showered all and sundry with fragments of piano.

Allegedly.

Pillow fighting,piano burning,tuck and lashings of ginger beer,what larks !

Piano burning? Kid's stuff :p

Boss: "Al, just had the PMC on the phone.. can you set up and supervise an indoor rifle range at the Summer Ball in our mess?"

"Yes"

"Thank you"

----------------

Boss: "Al, thanks for the other night, erm.. the just a quick one though.. the station commander wants to know why there is so much damage - what should I tell him?"

".. to make sure his officers attend annual weapons training so they can hit what they're supposed to be aiming at?"

"Erm, right-ho Al.. thanks for all your help."

ACW599 ... Isopropyl nitrate ... That's bl00dy dangerous verging on suicidal ... Chemistry undergrads I take it ;)

>ACW599 ... Isopropyl nitrate ... That's bl00dy dangerous verging on suicidal ... Chemistry undergrads I take it<

The event in question took place a year or two before I was on the squadron, but some of the personages who were probably involved were indeed reading chemistry. I believe the then boss, Ad*m W*se, was a chemistry graduate as well. The Hunter & Canberra maintenance unit next door may have supplied the requisite materials ;)

While there was Mess Rugby and other "games," my recollection of the most extreme activity was the "Tunnel of Love!"

Turn the ante-room armchairs over onto their front. Manouvre them into a tunnel, say 20ft long. Two teams, each enters the tunnel from opposite ends and the first team to exit the other end complete wins. Any arms, legs, or other body parts that leave the intermediate tunnel sides or top means disqualification.

Tactics usually involved grabbing the last person in the opposing team. Little guys went first and everyone tried to grab and slow the opposition (I always went first!). In the dark any number of scores could and would be settled!

Happy days.

Vernon

Thunderflash... Ahh such fun in a wee cardboard tube...

Tennis ball, length of downpipe with one end blocked up (strengthend with harry maskers) 1xThunderflash. Aim pipe (ish), strike thunder flash and pop into the tube followed by the tennis ball and any other odd bits of soon to be flying junk... Run...

Blue Tardis, carabiner, thunder flash, victim. Observe victim go into Tardis, quickly position carabiner in the lock, strike thunder flash and drop down the chimney... Run... (works better if the Blue Tardis is somewhat full).

Other variations on ex/ops without the bang bit just involves the carabiner and rolling the tardis around the location a bit.


While not a 'mess prank' but of note anyway...

Young one pip wonder (a particulary hopeless one if thats possible) on his second excercise in Germany didnt listen to words of advice from troop S/Sgt or Sqn 2i/c and decided that one of the 432's would be his personnel bedroom for the night and chucked the driver and half section out into the cold and shut the door.

He failed in a number of ways, apart from evicting said driver (Corp tradition, driver gets first dibs on the wagon) he closed the rear door and failed to secure the mortar hatch :=

Once snoring sounds were heard a carabiner went on the rear door, commanders hatch and drivers hatch followed by a slightly miffed wild german piglet (boar) in through the mortar hatch and yet another carabiner on the hatch lock... Screams were then observed coming from a) the now very miffed piglet and b) the occupant. Driver and section retire to another panzer.

Troop S/Sgt let the piglet out in the morning, troopy was found curled up on the drivers seat with half the G10 stacked on the commanders seat to keep piggy away, don't think either of them had much sleep that night... Piggy left calling cards all over the back of the 432 :yuk:

When I arrived at Chivenor in January 1957 the Station Commander, Gp Capt "Flash" Pleasance was sporting a plaster collar giving him a fearsome aspect which he wore for several weeks - and all because of "Where are you Moriarty" at a guest night.

St George and the Dragon....broom handles with "blind" players slaying the ante-room leather comfy chairs...

Mini-minor racing vs. motor cycles. [Mr Vice {stood down} and substitute Mr Vice and the PMC having tea and hats with the OC in the morning!] at Willitown

Remember it well.

At Wyton in the late 80s. The young 'gentlemen' decided it would be good to celebrate the Dining In and burn the piano in front of the Mess and start the conflagration with a Canberra starter cartridge. With 720 grammes of cordite it worked well.

One small problem. They hadn't warned the Guard Commander whose men were armed with loaded rifles and thought there was a terrorist attack underway at the Officers' Mess. They turned out the Guard.

The young 'gentlemen' were fortunate not to end up with 7.62mm holes in their Mess Dress. That would have been a jolly jape eh?

I was deputy O I/C Airmans' Club at the time and was ordered to charge a Corporal for throwing a chair through a window in the NAAFI.

I have very mixed feelings about 'high spirits' . . .

Horse Play? How many cracked ribs did I get?

1. The Lightning flyover the Mess in reheat, perfectly timed as C-in-C rose to speak?

2. The red smoke marker grenade shoved under the top table, leading to a lot of 'pink' Mess Dress jackets?

3. The MGA trying to be parked under the dartboard to stop people playing, but taking the Ante-Eoom doors out in the process?

... OMG, the list is endless :)

The Horse that Never Was.
 

Not really relevant, but within the terms of "Horse Play".

Extract from my Post p.213, #4252 on "Pilot's Brevet":
Next time two more disasters, but neither of my doing.

Danny42C.

Carrier landings
 

My high school best friend and I were determined to join the Air Force at a young age.
He got in, I didn't (eyesight).
We kept in regular contact and he would relate astonishing (to me anyway) stories regarding Dining in Nights "activities", along with his other more regular aviation related experiences.
The one that intrigued me most were "carrier landings".
Apparently, after the formalities and a suitable quantity of imbibing had taken place, the tablecloths etc were removed and the table (very long apparently) was liberally lubricated with beverages (shocking waste). The idea then being, to then take a running leap and launch ones self (in full dress uniform) onto the table with the aim to see who could slide the furthest with full points achieved if you flew off the far end!
I was jealous, would loved to have given it a go...!
Said friend is now a very senior officer. I wonder what his attitude would be to such shenanigans nowadays? I shall ask him when I see him next and report back! :}

Cheers

Octane

Back in 1992 at Laarbruch, cant remember if it was XV or 20 Sqns leaving shindig (still love the XV banner across the Mess bar ' Won the Cold War, Won the Gulf War....Lost to the MOD!'). Anyway, piano was on fire and was on the last few flames, having had numerous folks jump over it. Colleague & I managed to scale up on the roof of the Mess (fortunately a single storey building) and dragged a fire hose from downstairs. Great to see startled piano fire watchers either scatter or merely look on becoming rather wet as we managed to get hose turned on and drench the whole of the patio area. Dont remember getting any bother from doing that.:

Sad to report though that family & I visited the Laarbruch Mess last year and it is in a shocking state, graffiti everywhere, doors hanging off hinges, windows all smashed....very sad, had some fantastic nights in that grand old place!

I was never in the military, but I have attended a few occasions where a lot of mil personnel was present. At one of these hangar parties a plan was hatched to remove a piano from the stage where it had been used earlier in the evening. A cloth behind the stage, and the piano, allowed a forklift to be driven up behind it so that it could be lifted off and driven away (there was plenty of noise to allow this to happen unnoticed). Shortly afterwards, a construction built from pallets in a piano shape was set on fire outside on the platform so that the owner of the piano could get suitably annoyed and agitated before revealing the cunning plan.

Planning: 10 points
Execution: zero points, mainly due to the lesson learned about a piano's stability on the tips of forklift tines during corners.

The people involved were all good sports fortunately and the piano was just written off as collatoral damage.

RAF Watton (Eastern Radar) had burned a lot of pianos outside the front door of the Mess. So much so that the tarmac was pitted and embedded with globules of previously-molten lead. Easily purchased at Noel Abel's auction for £5, with the cost embedded in the cost of the function.

In a century or so, archeologists will examine the remains and wonder "WTF". :)

Not an officer's mess piano burning but the NAAFI at Changi had a piano on the top (third) floor and a long staircase that went all the way down from there to the ground with a short flat bit halfway.

The piano was doused in Avgas and ignited by a celebrating maritime reconnaissance squadron ground crew and sent on its way, where the rest of us formed an honour guard on the middle floor and saluted as it rolled past on its way to the second flight of steps.

The piano was replaced with a new one but encased in a steel cage - with two arm holes for the player to reach the keyboard.

Spoons 1v1(+1)
 

Spoons is a simple dueling game where A challenges B to a game of whalloping the other on the head with a big spoon held in the mouth, each with eyes closed and kneeling. As is only fair A, the challenger, allows B to go first. B does so and achieves a very satisfying 'clunk' as he makes contact between the spoon and A's head. Suitably lulled into a false sense of security, B is now on the receiving end and awaits the return blow from A. What he actually receives is an almighty blow from A's second. Extra points are achieved if A can convince B to play further rounds!

Carrier Landings - current Vice Lord Lt for Greater London (and son of the then DFS) broke his arm when carrier landed in the Junior Cadets' Mess at the Towers, the night they (the propulsion) forgot we were on the first floor rather than the ground floor

Fond memories (just!) of discharging both barrels of my 20-bore at the dartboard in the mess at Leeming during a guest night. Subsequently explained to the PMC that I had previously removed the shot from the cartridges and received a mild bollocking.

Fast forward many years and a C**b returned onboard Lusty with a live SAM7 that he had found outside Stanley. Luckily he was persuaded to ditch it over the stern before the next mess dinner!

Swing the lamp.

Too many stories to tell!
 

Melting the newly laid tarmac with a burning piano, cue some even newer tarmac the following week!

JN fires a rocket towards a bunch of guys walking towards the door of OM bar, misses everybody but lead guy with no SA opens the door for the team, rocket duly enters the bar runs along the optics and misses everything else - no problem!

An excellent Pilot / Instructor I worked with on Herks who had a promising career as a FJ but very nearly died playing "carrier landings" ... I believe he slipped on spilt ale and went face first into the end of the table, at a great rate of knots ..... only the fact that several PMRAFNS ladies were in attendance, and sober, saved his life. He did need several major operations and wore the scars from then on.

I was always grateful that the SNCOs Mess did not indulge in such self-inflicting injury type "sports" ....

IIRC the tarmac outside the mess at Coltishall had a permanent concrete patch amongst the tarmac for piano burning.

An abiding memory is John C***sham with his love of black powder and cannons. Biscuit tins bolted to the underside of the main table and detonated by wire amongst others.

The reception at West Drayton where the lift from the accommodation above opened directly opposite the desk. At a moment when full of dignitaries a ding of the lift arrival. All watch as the door opens to reveal a lone cannon on the floor with the fuze smoking - a loud bang ensues and reception fills with black smoke - the door shuts and the lift retreats back to the floors above....

Buchan - a crew life raft borrowed from LM concealed below the carpet under the top table with a hose to an air bottle under the bottom table. At a moment during desert there is a hiss and the individual tables start to rise and lift like Tower Bridge with the execs vainly grabbing and holding onto their plates and the mess silver as it inexorably starts sliding to the far ends and the floor.

Which was all very well until the first use when it was discovered that PSA (?) had incorporated air bubbles into the concrete. When hot, air expands.....:eek:

1. Northolt. Another Dinghy inflation. Nothing new there, then!

2. West Drayton. The Close-Down Dining In, with domestic appliances hurtling down a few floors into the goldfish pond. (You would have to know the layout to fully understand).

3. Carrier Landings. I heard about a US Mil facility that had deck lights and arrestor wires ... hook the latter with your toes and you didn't fall off the far end.

4. An ATC mate had a scar on his forehead. When asked how he acquired it, he said "I was standing on the mantlepiece keeping out of the way when the AOC cam past on his bicycle and knocked me off with his broom." Adrian, care to confirm, if you're here?

Just remembered a story from the late Mogwi senior; bunch of his fellow Seafire pilots after a mess dinner at Yeovs in c1944, decided it would be a bonza jape to flash up the traction engine that had been mending the Tarmac in front of the Wardroom and take it for a ride. After much stoking of boilers and pulling of levers, the ancient beast roared into life and they had great fun driving it around the domestic site. After all, what could go wrong at 4 mph?

Huge interview with the Cdr next morning, when it was discovered that one of the pulled levers had dropped the plough on the rear of the infernal machine and all the roads travelled had a not-so-neat 2 ft deep trench down the middle.

Next stop Arctic convoys!!

Tom Hardy and his stunt double on the set of Taboo provide an excellent example of the genre:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWH45cGFp3A

Thank you, Stuff ... never encountered that one!

I was on the Station Guard force at Wyton the night that happened, but I was manning the sangar up at the camp entrance when they responded...and that incident was not long after the night roof tiles were thrown down at the armed Roving Patrol from the roof of the mess by some 'lubricated gentlemen' :ugh: