Posted to that hell hole SCATCC Mil in the late seventies. Work in Prestwick, house in Kilmarnock and no service transport (use the bus laddie). I think they posted all the nasty tw**s of SNCOs etc there because life was a misery.

AMQs looked after by the Navy as we were a lodger unit of HMS Gannet. We had a new carpet laid and them they came and cut a foot off either end because it was nearly a fitted carpet and, as we are well aware from here, ORs are not entitled.

Horrendous march out by the ar**hole of a navy Families Civilian who charged me the earth. Got to next posting, whinged mightily to my new CO who did likewise up the line and eventually had the whole lot written off as ridiculous knitpicking by a vindictive.....etc etc etc.

Last posting at Marham and we moved into our own house that we'd bought earlier in anticipation. Got my first pay slip and had been charged MQ rent. Went over to handbrake house to see what had gone on. Some thick PANDA clerk had decided that as he had no record of me living in, I must be in MQs and charged me thus. I'd have to wait until next payday to sort it out. DN has sense of humour failure only helped by the chief clerk, a kindly elderly sort of chap who said come back in half an hour and he'd give me cash after issuing attitude and trade training adjustment to PANDA (or whatever they'd become by then).

MQs and anything to do with them was still stuck in the eighteen hundreds when I left.

DN

If yer wanted fitted carpets then yer shoulda dun better at school. :E

Erhem .. you should have waited for the resident washing machine installers (contactable via the SATCO's office :E)

fedex727

Same thing happened at RAF Shawbury except that the 6" removers made such a hash of it another contract had to be let to remove the ruined carpets* and replace them.:ugh:

* Offcuts could be bought at 'Whoppey Phillips' in Shrewsbury for any 'remedial' work prior to march-out!!

Old Ned - "Robson Report" - could be the start of a whole new thread. One of the finest men I ever worked for -when he was DDIOT at Cranwell. (Except for his bl@@dy dog). Went on to be DPR (RAF) - watched the Panorama report on BBC1 when he was at Civil Service Staff College lecturing to the Joint service PR Course - he chuckled all the way through - "picked that hint up then", "did not tell them that" and so on. When he was promoted 2 star the headline in the Sleaford Standard was "Local Farmer Promoted" - he kept about 100 sheep around Rauceby somewhere. If the airships wanted a report on officers' careers that did not rock the boat, they should not have asked RR to write it. Smashing bloke - hope he is still around.

Was OC PMS at Wittering, having recently left DIOT, when Bobby Robson visited to do some sort of "fact finding" tour. I had arranged all the usual things and, as it was a short notice visit, met him at the guardroom to give him a copy of the Visit Instruction.

He took one look at it and then said "Jump in the car Al, you can show me what really happens and bugger the VI".

I did a quick phone call to the boss to tell him what was up and that I would be unavailable for most of the rest of the day and Bobby Robson got the real story which he wouldn't otherwise have got.

Top bloke.

We've all got 'em. Here are a couple of mine.

Fined £50 to replace mattress that was 'marked' - I'd had it in its plastic cover since issued and it was unused in bedroom 2 I removed the cover for march out. The 'mark' was where the cover had been taped on.

Fined to polish out a watermark on a dining table, finding a similar mark in mew new home I complained only to be told. We don't polish anymore.

Opened the door to let the SWO in (he did march outs at Mac') to be told. "This wont take long unless you're a dirty B@stard in which case we'll be here all day. He then accused my dog op peeing on a carpet which was damp from my leaking window and tried to bill me for a new one. Cue Barrack Warden to save the day telling him it was issued to an OMQ 30 years earlier.

Some balance to the argument.....

I don't march out for a couple of weeks, so have that pleasure to come. However, in the last 12 months while living in quarters I have:


Paid £280 a month in rent (ignoring the council tax element) for a 3 bedroom house, the equivalent of which would cost at least £500-£650 in the private sector.

Mentioned a slight fault in the bath (to avoid march out complications) only to have a new one fitted within days.

Had a replacement cooker installed when the old one started to die.

Had an issue with a slow to drain sink outflow, only to have someone come round and rod it within about 3 hours. The date was 31 Jan!!

Had any issue I have had dealt with quickly, efficiently and to my satisfaction. With most private landlords it would have taken weeks.

Delayed my march out at short notice, only to find the system totally accommodating to my situation.


So far all the staff I have encountered have been helpful, courteous, and efficient. But good news stories aren't as entertaining/dramatic......

If yer wanted fitted carpets then yer shoulda dun better at school. :E

Ooh be careful there...Hornet's nest poked! :E

Ex airman HND, BSc.

Biggus, look forward to your update in a couple of weeks :E





..

Point is Biggus, that's the service you should get. When the system fails they should be rightly lambasted.

MQ's serve a purpose no doubt. Could be better - certainly. But the point is here that exiting one without getting stung was and still is a lottery.

One man's "clean as a new pin" is another man's "hovel". Twas ever thus and happens with bells on in civvy street.

You're not wrong there Sisemen. I exited my last owned home having spent a couple of days cleaning it (old habits and all) Only to find the Copper who sold me his, had absolutely no compunction about walking out and not touching anything - maybe he was miffed that he'd come down 70k on the asking price... :). At least the marchout guaranteed to a large degree that you walk into something akin to the one you left.

One positive of the march out regime was that it took the fear out of deep cleaning. I got £12.5k off the price of my first house as it was in such a disgusting state that it put buyers off. (No smell of fresh baked bread but plenty of smells) It took my wife and I a week of concentrated elbow grease, including "flea bombs" and it came up like a new pin. Retrospective thanks to some of the total a#*#h*#*s I met on too many march outs to list.

Funny how everyone leaves their quarters in better condition than they found them:= As for being a drudge and an odious part of military life (quoted elsewhere) get a freaking life. It's a normal and expected courtesy to clean up after yourself. Hell's teeth, if you found cleaning a house so difficult how did you cope with life and you would certainly have been misplaced in your military career. As for the need for the march out system well just look at the story of the arses that "knocked down walls to turn 3 bed into a 2 bed" or put holes in walls to "watch the telly from bed". Yes wouldn't it be fun to take over a quarter from them :ugh:

In 1972 I took over an officer's quarter in Singapore and the MQ wallah removed twelve breakfast plates and issued twelve dinner plates bringing the total to 24 dinner plates. He removed twelve Aberdeen tumblers and issued twelve naval 'tot' glasses bringing that total to 24. I also moved from one officer's quarter in Dunoon (which hadn't been trifled with) into another four-bedroomed detached bungalow next door which had been refurbished for my takeover. Gone were the fitted carpets, replaced by VERY expensive cortisene and nearly fitted carpets. This exercise cost much, much more than mere fitted carpets but as I was not an officer fitted carpets were not for me! The local 'Man from the Ministry' had wanted the cheaper option but was overridden by his Naval overlords who obviously didn't want a mere rating having ideas above his station!

Tom Joad, spot on, Mate.

It was so much fun marching into a quarter that had been left in a complete sh*t heap. (I wonder what they did with the money the previous occupants were charged for cleaning?)

The whole idea that ORs are not entitled to fitted carpets brings to mind Bill Bailey's "Das ist Verboten".

Same as single accommodation, they would try to palm you off with mattresses's that had circled stains in, mattresses that someone had paid to be cleaned but obviously never had been, I used to refuse them..

We run a couple of gites in the Vendee. people generally stay for a week or a fortnight. We don't take a "cleaning" deposit, nor do we ask people to leave the gite other than "tidy". however, the differences between families and how they leave the place can be large. witness today - 2 families left at 1000 - in one gite we found the place like a new pin, sheets stripped and folded, with the towels. The other - beds as they got out of them, gite had not been swept for a week (ie when they complained about the spiders' overnight labours), and fridge left grubby, with bits of food - takes all sorts.............

You jest surely? Well as far as a privately rented house or bought property. I refer not to your Serviceman but to many civilians at large who may simply walk out.

In the second house we bought there was a breakfast, minus plate, in one of the bedroom wardrobes.

We assisted at a march in at Halton last year or so. The quarter had been empty some months and then repainted and carpeted. The painter had sneezed and the hall carpet had to be replaced again. A day or so later, in the kitchen, I leaned against the kitchen worktop and spread my hands either side and underneath.

It was like handling anti-burglar paint. The surfaces were thick with black sticky grease. All the work tops were replaced a week later.

Whilst we have been on a series of overseas tours (I sense all your sympathy) we have let our family home as an up-market holiday let, located in a NAtional Park. It is professional cleaned on each turn around and it is furnished with antiques and high quality fittings. There have been very few problems. Family groups seem to respect it and generally leave the house clean and tidy. Echoing others here, the only time we had a complaint from guests (about the Aga, of all things) they left the place like a tip - bags of rubbish in the garden, mud tramped through the house etc. Basically, most guests leave the house as they find it. However, as mentioned earlier, we've had civilian friends visit who were genuinely intrigued that we would bother to clean the hiring when we left. Even though we point out that we are required to, they still seem perplexed. I suppose it down to your own standards.

As we are about to leave our hiring, we are working hard to make it clean and presentable (there's no option here for a quarter cleaning service) yet I will be in trepidation when the DIO chap turns up, along with a Federal Housing Ministry representative, in a few days' time.

I will be interested to see what our new SFA in the UK will be like - I visited a month or so back and it had been vacant for about a year and there was bird poo all down the front door and over the door step from a nest in the porch. It was dusty inside, with loads of cobwebs, and the garden was overgrown. I've been assured that both house and garden will be sorted out before we march in. The carpets are an interesting bright blue colour, whilst the kitchen flooring is a fetching grey. What was wrong with BMW as the decoration code? At least it was inoffensive and most furnishings would blend in. But blue?

We've also gone for MOD furniture because of the relatively short time we are back in tHe UK (I'm on a course) so it will be interesting to see what is delivered from the Corporate Dressing-up box. I'll keep you posted.

March out.
 

Nutloose,

The update you asked for.....

My part in the march out lasted 23 minutes, from the moment the "marching out" official arrived until the moment I drove away smiling. Most of the 23 minutes was taken up with:

a) Reading the meters.

b) The official checking all the keys did work for the locks stipulated, despite me having arranged them in suitable groups beforehand.

c) Checking that the wheelie bins were both present and clean (I only gave them a rinse out with a hose).

d) A brief walk around by the official while I waited outside in the sunshine.


There were no white gloves in sight at any point!!

Robbie Robson
 

W00

Have been AWOL for a bit and beyond PP. Agree with you, I was an IOT Flt Cdr when he was DDIOT and Robbie used to run with us on LAT runs. The finishing line was usually DDIOT, a swift cadet and some time later, the flt cdr.

Not sure where he is now, still in the Cranwell area I suspect but I've moved "opp north". Saw him in Waitrose Lincoln not too long ago and had a chat about old times by the fruit and veg; he still looked like a racing snake!

ON

My family have occupied OMQs at Nicosia, Guetersloh and JHQ twice. I was a bloody civvy throughout. My boss in Cyprus explained the rituals carefully, so we were prepared for the ordeal, and got the tick in the box.
As I rose unsteadily through the hierarchy over the years, it fell to me in turn to induct the innocent into these strange tribal practices.

Most of my lads and lasses complied successfully, which pleased me greatly because one rotten apple/ noncomformist/ filthy swine can give "us" a bad name on that station and make life hard.

There were three or four horrors of grotty MQs left by Met Men in my time, and I took care to have their cards marked thus:

THIS MAN IS NOT, REPEAT NOT, TO BE CONSIDERED FOR AN OVERSEAS TOUR AGAIN. And I let the fact be known to my other staff and the staish.

The way I see it, if you can't beat them, join them. And if you can't take a joke, bugger off.

Fondly Remembered
 

I too recall Bobby Robson's time as DDIOT. When he arrived the "joke" was that we had cadets and super-cadets (ie the DS). The rules were that DS had to dress exactly the same as the cadets especially when on exercise in combat clothing - no aircrew boots or jackets, no Regiment specials etc.

Bobby R arrived on the agenda for his first Director's meeting was an item "Eccentricities of DS Dress". On this item being reached in the meeting he said "There are to be eccentricities of DS dress" and smartly moved on to the next item.

I used to swim (early mornings when he wasn't sheep farming or as he put it cultivating the EU subsidy) and run with him and he was always charming, if hard to keep up with. But in those days I had a chance.

On my next tour, one of my copilots was in the West London Magistrates Court for drink driving (spiked drinks apparently). For various reasons I had to attend at least 3 times as the case was adjourned. On one of these visits I visited Bobby in MoD when he was DPR. On hearing why I was in London he called a minion in to ask "Do we know about this and if not why not?"

As has been said in earlier posts - a top bloke and a joy to work for/with.

Thanks Biggus, obviously they had heard of this thread and trembled at the thought of the response they would have got on here.. :}

There was a JHQ tale of an army Colonel who allowed his horse into the lounge via the french windows.
There was certainly a Portadown Way OMQ for which my children refused to babysit, regardless of pay and conditions, as they said it was just too disgusting. Fortunately not the RAF Caterer.
The accumulated grease, dirt and nicotine on the kitchen walls amazed even the hardened and cynical marchers-out when the time came.
And, note, JHQ had the advantage of a "hostel" system in which families could stay for a few days prior to march-out.
My finest hour was somewhere else. I became aware that my successor in the house was to be a lifelong sh1t who had caused me grief. I had a lot of leisure pre march-out, so took Brasso and rags into the cellar and polished the many and various copper and brass pipes and fittings in the boiler room. Sure enough, the march-out team a. congratuled LB and
b. told sh1t that they expected cellar to be in identical condition in a year or two.
How to make friends and influence people.

On a sliding scale of stupidity I suppose this doesn't quite match the above...

When TV aerial sockets were put in to the rooms of the Os Mess at Lyneham they were put quite close - a metre or so - to a plug socket.

Only problem was the aerial socket was on the other side of the door leading to the corridor than the power socket. I suppose one should be thankful that both sockets were in the actual room.

After my brief and unsuccesful time on the Buccaneer, I was sent to RAF Biggin Hill for 'Aircrew Reselection'.

Having completed the various interviews, I was told that I could expect a decision in a few weeks time. Having no permanent residence in the UK, I asked to be given something useful to do on the station. So I became deputy to both OC GD and the Families Officer.

Quite simple - and all OC GD's tasks were easily completed. The Families Officer was on leave, so I had to do a few march-outs. Until then, my only experience of MQs had been when I was joe'd to check up on DoE slackness at Valley 3 years earlier, whilst holding before my Hunter refresher course. We checked 4 MQs each in the morning and 4 each in the afternoon, revealing a whole range of work which hadn't been done, of contractors cheating on overtime and other scams... OC Admin threw the book at the DWO shortly afterwards, I gather...

But having no idea what was involved in a march out, I turned up at one place to join the Barrack Warden. "Any work not yet completed?", I asked the lady of the house - who told me about various reported snags which hadn't been fixed. "Make a note please", I advised the BW. Then a quick tour of the place, all looked fine to my ex-Flt Cdt eye and none of the stupid cooker inspections etc. "Thank you - that's all splendid. Hope you enjoy your next posting", I told her.

The BW was incandescent - I'd taken a fraction of a time the Familes' Officer normally took and hadn't been very thorough. But he was more annoyed at having to sort out all the outstanding fixes before the next family arrived.

I did a few more march outs, then moved to other work.

The Fg Off (W) Families Officer then returned from leave and was astonished that all my march outs had been so straightforward - every stain or similar I'd reported as 'fair wear and tear'! I told her that the anal 'white glove' nonsense practised by others was daft - and if she wanted me to do any more march outs, I'd be happy to do so.

Needless to say, I wasn't asked!

Never once lived in MQ so I have no tales to tell. However I am amused that the archaic term "marching in/out" is still in use. I always thought it sounded very silly, and had a mental picture of Fg Off and Mrs Snooks and all the little Snooks "fell-in" outside their new MQ, and on an order from the Families Officer marching in to their new home.

That made me laugh, yes the name conjurers up all sort of parade square madness. In reality it is however not 'archaic' but rather sensible - it basically ensures that when you take over your new home it's presented in a clean and tidy fashion with all the important bits working. The civvie approach of taking a bond is the alternative but a rather blunt one.

The stories that you will hear about "white "gloves" are from a bygone age, and the others of the pernicious Families Officer are of course the exception. In contrast the "when I marched in/out of my quarter it was fine" just dosn't make good copy. For me during the entirety of my service that was my experience of the march in/out system.:p

Pet hate at Brize in the blocks that in the late 80's we were still polishing the brass window latches, that should have died a death with polishing buttons years earlier, however visiting a friends room I noticed they had replaced his with aluminium ones, so a quick visit to Halford and a rattle can of wheel aluminium paint, we all had them.. And no one was any the wiser.

Tales from the crypt...part 1
 

I spent 20 odd years in FMA. Before I got married, a very friendly Fams Off took me on several march-outs to get a feel for what was required. We went to one AMQ and the first thing that struck us was the aroma pervading the house. Then we discovered that he couldn't be ars*d to use the toilet at night - the wardrobes had to be seen to be believed.

Not only that, there was something strange about the place which we couldn't put our finger on, until we reached out to open a door - only to find that the WAS no door. All the internal doors and a lot of floorboards had been used as firewood! Having to replace all the doors, floorboards and carpets cost a fortune and the family were given extensive treatment by mental health people!

I stopped one of my marchouts when a V young Fams Off told me that my wife was to wait outside as he pulled on his white gloves. I informed this idiot that he could not treat people that way, that my wife was part of MY family and that if he thought he was going to treat me like an initial trainee he was very much mistaken. The real Fams Off apologised profusely and assured me that his holding officer would be properly trained! Incidentally, the MO 2 hours later went without a hitch.

But I could tell you many tales of experience over the years...

Maybe I will..!

Well, unlike the state of the place when Mrs WW and I moved in I sure as hell didn't leave mouse sh1t on the kitchen worktop when leaving. Just the sort of hygiene one expects with a 6 month old baby to look after.

So I suggest you shove your sanctimonious attitude the same place as your waging finger smilie - up your jacksie.

Amazing dits on MQ 20 years ago.....

Anyone got any current gen...or chat? Would be nice to know.

Maybe we could create a "mil nostalgia" thread.....

Its not what it used to be of course.

ralphmalph,

Towards the top of this page are details of a march out that took place less than a week ago - is that "current" enough for you!!

You should have reported Mr and Mrs Mouse to the families officer :ok:

Oh, and for you next move get a pair of these and a life princess:=

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