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Underpants Test Pilot

Until now, Owen O'Mahony's contribution to the hidden comfort and support of Britain's men has gone unnoticed ...

"Not many of you know that I was the individual who, for a period of about two years and at Her Majesty’s expense, carried out extensive high altitude testing of the intimate garments charged with holding your testosterone equipment. For the benefit of the less medically minded among you, I was an underpants Test Pilot for Marks & Spencers.

I was brought up in a comparatively poor background in Ireland where shoes were a luxury and underpants optional. For probably financial reasons, my Mother didn’t take up this option and it was only when I joined the RAF that I discovered that I had been lagging behind the rest of the population. We were all issued with 4 pairs of enormous knee length "Aertex" bloomers with a vertical slot at the front. I assume it was at the front because it was on the opposite side to a label bearing a large arrow signifying that it was government property and bearing a 10 digit part number to ensure that they could never be confused with other military hardware.

Now I wore these with pride for a number of years, my wife even patched them when the small "aertex" holes developed into anything larger. In 1967 I became aware from the various macho advertisements that this type of underwear was passe and that, if one was to succeed in life, then it could only be done with the new "Y" fronts which, in a word, stopped things hanging about.

I am not one to be suckered in by hype so I ignored this call from the manufacturers for many a year. I did however ensure that my successful "macho" mates never saw me in my voluminous "shreddies". At about this time, some voyeuristic comedian introduced ultra voilet lighting into night clubs and dance halls. This allowed the more imaginative among us to view all the ladies in their underwear as they were caught in the lighting - Wow!

0ne particular night, I went to a club in Germany; I was wearing my dark blue Burton’s "Director" suit with only four payments to make before it was mine. I sat down to rest after a particularly vigorous dash around the dance floor to the strains of Glenn Miller’s American Patrol. Olga, an Amazonian Russian woman had asked me to dance and from what I understood, said something about being a trumpeter with the Bolshoi Ballet. Now I can understand Olga wanting to dance with me; I was after all, tall, distinguished, fair haired and, according to my Mother and all her friends, handsome. Nonetheless, I was a little puzzled why a Russian Lady, who couldn’t speak much English, had chosen me for the Ladies’ invitation dance. It was only when I sat down panting and unravelling my ribs, temporarily damaged by the ample Olga, that I noticed the UV lighting was highlighting the now luminous seams of my underpants. Shock - Horror, I was the only one with seams below my knees; it must have been obvious to the aforementioned lady that I was wearing Government Issue! I sculked around the edge of the dance floor away from the humiliating lights and caught the bus home. With the benefit of experience and hindsight it is now plain to me that Olga was a KGB spy trying to find out the, probably classified, part number on my underpants.

So for reasons of national security, I finally succombed to the manufacturer’s hype and my wife dashed off to M & S to buy me some plain white combed cotton "Y" fronts. These new underpants gave me the courage and confidence to face the world; everything was neatly packaged and as a result, if the manufacturers were to be believed, I was now about to reep the benefits.

I started off with six pairs and began to prosper; promoted to Sergeant, commissioned, trained as a Pilot, posted to Singapore; it was all happening just like the manufacturers said. By the time that I got back to UK some three years later, it was time to invest in a further two pairs, but to my chagrin, they had changed the style; higher on the leg and less equipment storage space.

I tried them for a while but I wasn’t happy. It was time to burst into print.

Marks & Spencers Ltd

Dear Sir,

I have for some time now been an ardent collector of your white combed cotton "Y" fronted underpants size 34"-36". My Wife recently bought me two pairs and I regret to inform you that they are far from satisfactory. I notice that the overlap at the front on the newer versions has been reduced ( A saving of material perhaps?). Now I am a man of modest proportions but the upshot is that things keep dropping out.

I am, for my sins, a flying instructor in Her Majesties’ Royal Air Force and when strapped into my aircraft, upside down at 18,000 feet, this is uncomfortable not to mention that when I apply "g" forces, the said overlap becomes an effective tourniquet!!!

I would ask you to reconsider the design of these underpants, otherwise I shall be forced to place my annual order for four pairs elsewhere!

Yours sincerely, etc

I have no doubt that this daunting threat caused an emergency Board meeting. Then came their reply:

Dear Flight Lieutenant O’Mahony,

Thank you for your letter. We are sorry that you are unhappy about your recent purchase, however you will be pleased to know that we are in the process of redesigning this particular style.

Please find enclosed two pairs of the new prototypes with our compliments and we would appreciate your comments after you have tested them in the unusual conditions in which you work.

Yours sincerely, F.A.L.Cook (Ex Flt Lt Navigator)

This continued for about two years. New prototypes arrived, I would whizz them up to 20,000 feet, do a few loops in them, roll them, spin them and finish with a stall turn before sitting down to writing an in depth report covering such aspects as security, accessibility, comfort and suitability for astronauts. I assume that the manufacturers had already carried out the more basic tests on the elastic, washability, shrinkage etc.

The high altitude test programme was paid for by Her Majesty who kindly provided the aircraft and the fuel. Everybody was happy, I got free underpants, M & S got in depth reports - I even suggested to them that coloured versions might catch on.

That’s how I became an underpants Test Pilot for Marks & Spencers.

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Very good, but had he got a Phantom course he would have been issued with Lyle and Scott's finest Y-front long johns is cotton or wool nylon.

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The latter were a masterpiece of design that would shrink in the wash and itched like b*ggery.

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We were all issued with 4 pairs of enormous knee length "Aertex" bloomers

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The latter were a masterpiece of design that would shrink in the wash and itched like b*ggery.

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Owen was one of our ULAS QFIs in 1973 - and did indeed have a fine sense of humour!

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I am the 180lbs of spring steel and rippling muscle....

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