Mess Games & Mess Cannons
 

As a still relatively junior JO, I have not had the pleasure of witnessing some good old-fashioned 'Officer High Jinks', like the ones my Cousin (Bucc Nav of the finest order) told me about and like the ones that convinced me to join HM's flying club. Has anyone got any 'advice' on tricks (dirty or otherwise) that can be played, or how to construct a decent mess cannon. I'm currently at a rather quite little base with a fair few green and dark blue suited types and feel that the next dining in needs to be livened up a bit (especially as it is being led by the pongos)
Please help:ok:

I hear that getting a vintage piano (preferably someone's pride and joy), stuffing it with paper, dousing it in petrol and then setting fire to it is always good for a laugh.

Two words of warning:

1) Make sure it's sourced privately. You don't want a £10000 share of 'piano tax' to appear on your mess bill after you've just burnt the mess's 19th Century antique grand piano.

2) Don't remove the O.C.'s rank slides and throw them in the blaze as some sort of sacrifice to the 'Lift Pixies' unless you particularly like wearing your hat.

PM for details of how to make a really good mess cannon.

Mike,

The best fun one an have is with dry-ice bombs. Just nip to Inflight catering for some dry ice. Start small and crush some up and stick it in a small coke bottle (plastic) then add some hot water (about 1/4 bottle) screw the lid on quickly and shout "Grenade!" the RUN. One hell of a bang with no dangerous shrapnel! Result!

We had to give up when we progressed to water jerry cans with four pack of dry ice in. The jerry can was placed in a para skip and dumped in the middle of the hanger. We watched it bloat until the most thunderous roar and deafing bang. JEEEEEESSSUUSSSS it was like an Artillery shell going off. They even heard it on the football pitch some 1/2 a mile away.
Tread wisely and have fun
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Another one that I never did - honest, was to bodge tape pipes under the table, prime with water, losely cork the ends and retire to pre-dinner drinks!

Later, armed with a syringe full of water the primed pipe can be emptied into the speaker's lap before he stands up

"It's so funny he pi55ed himself"!!!

Purile but still funny!

A great prank for formal dinners:

1) Get some thin thread or fishing line.
2) Tie one end to the victim's chair legs.
3) Tie the other end to the victim's cutlery.
4) Go to dinner.
5) Try not to laugh hysterically as your victim's silverware falls loudly to the floor as he sits down.

Inflating a 16-man liferaft under the top table inevitably leads to a hat-on chat the next morning...

I think that such behaviour as suggested in the foregoing posts, and no doubt subsequent ones to come, is childish and unbecoming of the standards expected of hofficers. Hic --

But I can remember a good wheeze at South Cerney, far too many years ago, when we jousted in the anteroom on bikes with bin lids and broom handles. Cadets won the night when Flt Cdr sustained broken leg - good bloke was Des, now sadly gone. And then there was HiCockaLorem (sp?) - good for sore heads and dislocated collar bones.

Also. Get a chappy legless in the bar, persuade friendly doc to wrap his leg in plaster with a few chippings pre-inserted under the foot, and commiserate with said chappy next day when he bemoans his fate - 'can't rememeber I how I did it etc'. Reveal all two days later ----

Then there's how many sheep can you rustle from local fields and leave in the Cottesmore bar, inflate the met office balloon over the PMC's head at the DI night (filled with flour, and punctured with a well-aimed .22), and many more which no doubt will be told ------------------

As I said, how childish - or so said my nagger on so many occasions

A most impressive fuel for such WMD is MEK (Methyl Ethyl Ketone (2-Butanone)). Produced some fabulous results from a big bertha contstructed from catering-sized bean cans lashed together in Deci back in 93. A plentiful supply of said propellant could be obtained from the sqn engineers (in those days at least).

A little googling reveals it not to be a particularly nice substance:

http://www.epa.gov/ttn/atw/hlthef/methylet.html

so do your own research. Of course researching rather ruins the spontaneity of such events, but it's a litigious world out there.................

Here's the complete encyclopedia :)

Old thread

Smartman,

Des Melaniphy?

There is also "Where are you Moriarty" with two blind folded victims, lie on the floor each holding the other's left hand. In the right a rolled up newspaper.

"Where are you Moriarty"

"I am here" whereupon the other would wack you over the head with the paper. If he missed it was your turn.

Each time, after saying I am here you had to roll out of the way without the other sensing where you had gone.

Until some bug.ger set light to the newspapers!!

Pretty young nurse in RAF Hospital (Jeez!.. did we really have them in those days) gazing admiringly at bold, daring but damaged aviator..
" So,exactly how did you break your arm and leg?"
Hero replies..
"I fell off the mantlepiece in the Ante Room"
Surprised she asks...
" What on earth were you doing up there?"
Nonchalently ace replies....
"Trying to escape the idiot on the motor bike!"

Or variations on the theme.


:yuk: :yuk:

Some easy "pranks":

A drop of food colouring in the PMC's white wine glass before everyone sits down always brings a smile (albeit not from the PMC).

Talc in the napkins.

Talc in balloons which can be chucked down a leg of the table until it gets too close to a candle..... Cue one particularly boring H&S guy to state that we couldn't drink our "contaminated wine"...yeah whatever....

A remote controlled helium ship can particularly annoy the PMC and/or Harry Staish during speeches. Feel free to add a "dropping" device!

Just make sure that no honourary members set off "crow scarers". Carnage....

Enjoy

A live piglet (or preferably several) introduced into the proceedings during the speeches is a guaranteed way of livening things up!

Saw a remotely triggered farting machine in a gadgets shop at Birmigoom airport the other day. An amplified loudspeaker with various pre-programmed noises which can be set off by remote control. Now that has definite Dining-In night speech potential......

Another 'ice breaker' is to fablon err, 'rude pictures' underneath the Stn Cdr's place mat - or, even better, the senior guest's. Nothing will happen until just before the loyal toast when the mess staff whip the place mats away.......

But one of the simplest - and cheapest - is just to stretch cling film between the seats and the pans of the ladies loo thrones:ok:

More Mess Cannons
 

All,
Many thanks for the ideas, please keep them coming. Got three weeks until the night.
Cheers again
Loey

I was told the French Foreign Legion played an interesting game called The Sheep; a variation of Are You There Moriarty.

The person to be the sheep is established by drawing straws and he leaves the room.
The anti-room is then completely darkened and everyone else stands around the perimeter of the room.

On command the Sheep enters and silently chooses what he hopes will be a good position, he then says "Baaa", and everyone fires their pistols at where they think the noise came from :)

Cereal grenades-

Take 1x crow scarer or small banger left over from November...

Take 2x individual size cereal boxes (coco pops/rice bubbles best)

pack the contents of both boxes (minus plastic bags) into one box, insert charge, tape box lid shut.

Light fuze, lob across the anteroom. If you throw high/far enough you get an impressive airburst.

Warning- don't throw at mess stewards (case of flashburns went down like a Lead Zepplin at Taranto night a few years back):(

They have the advantage of being small enough to slip into the inside jacket pocket for good surprise benefit!

Heard about this in a guards mess a few years ago. Has to be played much later in the evening when any 'grown ups' that are left are either too incapacitated to care or are playing. 2 man game. One has a great coat (old fashioned, heavy duty), a helmet and a bicycle. The other has a dismantled shot gun and a couple of shells of bird shot. Referee shouts go, man on bicycle puts on hlemet and great coat and cycles for all he is worth (preferably outside) whilst man with shot gun puts shot gun together, loads it and shoots at departing cyclist!

H&S types do not approve and can imagine headlines/BoA should cyclist not be very quick - anyway - marvellous fun so long as no one is too seriously injured.

Selection for position of cyclist can be through any means deemed appropriate at event (biggest to$$er usually good selection method).

Said howitzer, from the refered to in the link from Mike J at the start, now resides at Benson, location is CLASSIFIED. I have been led to believe that it may come out to play as the long summer nights draw in. Tee hee heee!