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Best and worst orders I have known

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Best and worst orders I have known

Old 4th Jul 2022, 21:50
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Belize, Guatemalans attacking, defense in depth prescribed by Snotty.

Snotty", "hand out the mags", things getting seriously tense, when the RAF hands out mags with real ammo to Radar Techs, to load by the box, it's a puckering moment.
Snotty disappears for 30 mins and returns with 2nd Battalion , Grenadiers, "Roger"

Snotty - "I say chaps - Roger will assess our defensive strategy, blah, wires, Bren, pits, blah, covering fire, sight lines, blah"

"Roger" - "Right lads, if you see, smell or hear anything, dump the kit and weapons and run like hell back up the track to the camp". Be careful, we have all lines covered so use the noddle and ident first time, Got it? - Right I'm off"

Cue Snotty, depressed, miserable and very, very, sad.

Last edited by Imagegear; 4th Jul 2022 at 22:03.
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Old 4th Jul 2022, 22:30
  #42 (permalink)  
 
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Hmmm, thinks the proprietor, and changes the dance so that the ladies come out naked and slowly put their clothes on.
I seem to recall that happening at Shawbury when the Station Commander banned the usual stripper at QHI Course grad dinners.


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Old 4th Jul 2022, 22:30
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"As soon as the ferry docks, we'll do scout's pace along the pier, scorch up the hill, sink a couple of pints of Gales and be back in time for the last ferry home".

Phil Sparks, Television outside broadcast engineer. RIP, organising a quick drinking visit to Cowes.
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 00:56
  #44 (permalink)  
 
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Worst:-(Nov 1990) fly to within 28 miles of the Kuwait harbour, at 100 feet, climb to 250 feet, shine your radar into the harbour and see what reaction you get.,
Best,:April 1981. You are to attend the wings presentation ceremony at 10:00hrs next Wednesday..
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 08:39
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Originally Posted by BEagle View Post
During a Taceval at RAF Scampton "Attention, attention! There will be a briefing for all crews in the Main Briefing Room at 10:00 hours".

The Ground Defence Commander, being a bit brighter, realised that this would be a very tempting target for the intruders who had been expected to infiltrate the station. A Word was obviously said, because a further tannoy message followed....

"Attention, attention. Ignore the last message; the briefing will now be 10 minutes later!"
The SH site at Basra airport, about 2004.

“In the event of a suspected intruder on the site, all personnel to assemble at the mess tent in order to more easily identify unauthorised persons. “

“So as any suspected intruder has a good chance of being a suicide bomber, you want everyone to congregate in the same place, in an unprotected tent?”

Er yes, good point..
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 12:37
  #46 (permalink)  
 
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Worst. Despite representations, being ordered to parade my squadron every day at 07:00 for a fortnight for something that they were innocent of.
Best. Being sent to RAFG for a second tour when most of my kind were lucky to get one.
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 13:08
  #47 (permalink)  

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Remember a GASO once that said:

”Aircrew are to drink moderately within 24 hours of flying.”

Shame if you didn’t want to drink anything ……..
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 13:19
  #48 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by teeteringhead View Post
Remember a GASO once that said:

”Aircrew are to drink moderately within 24 hours of flying.”

Shame if you didn’t want to drink anything ……..
The equivalent in the French Air Force, when I was on exchange, was that one couldn't drink alcohol with lunch if there was a chance of one flying in the afternoon. To remove that possibility and make it definite, we were all on the flying programme.
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 14:40
  #49 (permalink)  
 
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You there, why are you wearing a combat jacket, haven't you read Station Standing Orders, combat jackets are only to be worn when on exercise.
I am on exercise....
Ahh, well... get your hair cut and be in my office at 3.00PM (SWO RAF Wildenrath)
Yes Sir says I.
Carries on with my bimble from the NAAFI shop back up to our Puma being refuelled.
Climbs aboard and departs back to RAF Odiham.
I do wonder if he is still waiting.
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 15:55
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Originally Posted by Haraka View Post
"Please, note that. following several complaints, in future, ;Pongoes will be referrred to as Army Officers".........
Haraka. Malta 1965. RAF complains about being called Crabs. Response from other two services was enlightening: Army: Letter from HQ Malta and Libya stating "the practice of referring to the Royal Air Force as Crabs is to cease immediately. The Royal Navy sent a Navy-wide signal that stated "In future Crabs are to be called the Royal Air Force." The Navy always had a knack of composing succint signals.
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 17:06
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Originally Posted by MPN11 View Post
Badly worded Orders … Officers Mess Rules …
”members are not to entertain members of the opposite sex in single quarters unless a separate sitting room is provided” …
Yay, I have a separate sitting room. Nothing specifies WHICH room shall be used for ‘entertaining’.
Put a small chair in a wardrobe and call it a sitting room...
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 17:30
  #52 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Willard Whyte View Post
Put a small chair in a wardrobe and call it a sitting room...
You don't want to do that, Langleybaston's ex boss might be having a shag on top of it.
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 19:53
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The mods removed that anecdote, but the song lives on!
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 20:43
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Originally Posted by Willard Whyte View Post
Put a small chair in a wardrobe and call it a sitting room...
A valid thought, but perhaps less comfortable than a privately purchased double bed. 😎
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Old 5th Jul 2022, 23:27
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Two single beds. One for then, one for after
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Old 6th Jul 2022, 04:29
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Verbal daily order from the Admirals Chief of Staff.

All right gentlemen, the priority of the Admiral’s number 1 priorities are as follows….

He went on to list 9 Number 1 priorities in order of priority 🙄

Best order.

Friday 14:00 on the last day of my demolition course. Gents we still have 15 kg of plastic explosives left and the bus arrives in 30 minutes. We are NOT taking any home !

I can honestly say I have felt the earth move ….
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Old 6th Jul 2022, 08:23
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Civil? But stupid
Mid 80s and I was doing my first West African rotation having been checked out several months before on the DC10. I had flown long range on the VC10.
Check in and it was going to be using surnames..but I mentioned to the captain I hadn’t flown to Douala and Kinshasa before (although I had been into our audio/visual lab and gened up on it).
During cruise we had a visit from a Lufthansa crew who were operating their first service north bound and would appreciate watching our approaches.
‘That triggered Mr big bollox..I’m training my first officer so you are welcome..not true.
Come the briefing he went into full swing, at the time the FO had to make the radio altimeter call outs..approaching minimum, minimum, 100, 50 40 30…
B
But sir wanted in addition 20 10 5 and 2..the latter a fag paper width..the gauge is around 3 inches in diameter.
What sir didn’t brief is the quarry which finished close to the threshold…I said nothing and thought this is going to be interesting.
We weren’t allowed to fly without control wheel steering because of the number of heavy landings.
So the altimeter reading came down…went up as we overflew the quarry and then shot down at an incredible rate to fast to call.
He yanked the stick back but realising he was going to compound the heavy landing stuck it in the middle and we arrived.
In Kinshasa the FE requested a room in the hotel rather than our crew bungalows and we didn’t see him for a week..obviously knew the captain.
I was the only crew member who had to use surnames for the week and was virtually ignored although he told one of the girls about his bad treatment in a Zurich hospital being bed ridden with both arms broken as well as a leg or two. He had lunch served but no one to feed him and after an hour a nurse admonished him for not eating it.
A few months later I flew with the big chief who had had a lucky escape as Sir wanted to have backing and use Swissair for his hang gliding club. Fortunately for the company Sir flew off a mountain on the day of his village fete, misjudged his approach, hit the statue in the middle of the square and broke his arms and leg(s).
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Old 6th Jul 2022, 09:53
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A light comedy on training. . During a night navex ground exercise under the Rocks, the final RV was a bus parked by a corn field. Those of us who made it in good time {about 2 a.m.)were of course ordered to sit on the bus and wait..
"Everybody on the bus!!!"

After a couple of hours waiting for the laggards, the Rock in charge lost his cool and fired a flare up as a marker..
Which then promptly set the corn field on fire upon landing...........

""Everybody off the bus!!!!!!!!""
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Old 6th Jul 2022, 10:36
  #59 (permalink)  
 
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"Put that bunch of portaloos in a row over there."
"Now?"
"Yes, now."
"Not after the last helicopter has arrived for the static park?"
"No. Now."
"It's a Sea King."
"Now."
"OK"
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Old 6th Jul 2022, 10:48
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Originally Posted by beardy View Post
The equivalent in the French Air Force, when I was on exchange, was that one couldn't drink alcohol with lunch if there was a chance of one flying in the afternoon. To remove that possibility and make it definite, we were all on the flying programme.
Somewhat different 'rules' for detachments !
We took 3 Whirlwinds to Chambery to do mountain flying French style. 3 days of "3' on the left, 10,000 on the right" ops and very lively evenings/nights !
Our in-flight 'ration' boxes for the r t b were delicious French ham filled batons and (per person !) a bottle of rough red !
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