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Instructors - any favourite "bon mots" ?

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Instructors - any favourite "bon mots" ?

Old 31st Aug 2017, 16:55
  #41 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Hants
Age: 78
Posts: 369
Initial instrument flying sortie on the JP3. My Master Pilot instructor said "You've got a touch like a Scandinavian Midwife". Still don't know what he meant but I guess it must have been something like you are crap!

ACW
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 18:32
  #42 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: France
Age: 59
Posts: 41
Parachute freefall course, my first 60 sec delay using a BOC (Bottom of Container) mounted pilot drogue (Which you cannot see when in freefall).

Instructor: OK bloggs, just before you reach your deployment altitude, left arm above your head and with your right hand reach down beside your right arse cheek, find the handle, grip it and with one smooth motion extract and throw it out to the side and return to the stable position.

Me: What if I reach down and accidentally miss the handle ?

Instructor (deadpan) Do you often go to wipe your arse and accidentally miss it ?

Much sniggering from the lads behind me.
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 18:58
  #43 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Lechlade, Glos.UK
Posts: 768
A few from my past:

Don't say 'Ooops' say 'Spoiler'. VC10 stuff.

He stalked the runway using all available cover. (flapless in a Hawk)
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 19:05
  #44 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sneaking up on the Runway and leaping out to grab it unawares
Age: 59
Posts: 684
Originally Posted by sharpend View Post
He stalked the runway using all available cover.
I had similar to that:

XXX sneaked up on the runway using all available cover and then, catching it by surprise, leapt out to grab it unawares when it wasn't looking.
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 20:26
  #45 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Fareastdriver View Post
That's not the same prince who, having spread an aeroplane all over the airfield, was found sitting in the Ante Room denying that he was anywhere near it?
Was that flap from the same JP hanging on L-O-O 3 Sqn Students' Crew Room wall?
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 20:38
  #46 (permalink)  

Avoid imitations
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Wandering the FIR and cyberspace often at highly unsociable times
Posts: 13,728
JP QFI after IF sortie: "Well, young ShyTorque, it was much smoother today!"

S: "Why, thankyou, sir!"

QFI: "Not you, you **** - I meant the weather!"
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 23:28
  #47 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: UK.
Posts: 4,391
The late lamented (and extremely brave for not taking control from Bas) Roger Forbes-Harris in the debrief: "And why did you do that on finals?"
Don't ask, just imagine a combination of stupidity and misunderstanding.
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 23:48
  #48 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: A better place.
Posts: 2,148
...this is priceless.
A Duchess holding a tramp's cock
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 00:20
  #49 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cheshire
Posts: 678
All this talk of Saudi princes pretending not to have crashed made me look it up. I'm assuming it was this one:

ASN Aircraft accident 15-AUG-1960 Percival Provost T1 XF614

But then it was also hard to ignore this one:

ASN Aircraft accident 05-JAN-1960 Percival Provost T1 WV537
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 06:43
  #50 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Quite near 'An aerodrome somewhere in England'
Posts: 26,128
A tale was doing the rounds a few years ago about a helicopter accident involving a foreign student:

It seems he was flying his Gazelle on a navex, when he was caught short, so landed in a field. Unfortunately he pranged the helicopter and rushed off to complete his urgent business behind a hedge.

A QHI flying in the same area spotted the downed helicopter and decided to land to check whether the pilot is OK. After landing, he couldn't find the pilot so set off to look for him.

Meanwhile the student finished what was doing, hopped back over the hedge, jumped into the serviceable Gazelle and took off - much to the chagrin of the QHI who returned to find that he was now left with the remains of the other one.

Was this really true - or a fable?
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 06:53
  #51 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 58
Posts: 9,842
Well if it isn't true it bloody well ought to be...
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 07:28
  #52 (permalink)  

Avoid imitations
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Wandering the FIR and cyberspace often at highly unsociable times
Posts: 13,728
No, no - it was an army pilot who landed on a small pinnacle then went forwards into the jungle to take a comfort break. He left the aircraft running, it fell backwards off the pinnacle. Another pilot saw it happen, landed on the pinnacle, left it running, first pilot comes back unawares and takes the second aircraft...... Etc. Was it a Sioux, or a Scout, or both?

Not to forget the RAF Puma pilot in Norway who got whiteout on landing and damaged the landing gear. A Gazelle landed to assist, got whiteout, crashed and trashed it. Second Gazelle arrives, same thing happened. Puma has to get airborne to take everyone home!

The last one was true.

Also a Gazelle landed in an icy, snow covered car park, shut down, slid downhill into snow bank. Second Gazelle landed, slid slap into the back of the first one.

I can't remember if the above incidents were the same, I think not.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 07:40
  #53 (permalink)  

Avoid imitations
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Wandering the FIR and cyberspace often at highly unsociable times
Posts: 13,728
An RAF colleague of mine set off in a Puma for a task. He returned a few minutes later, complained bitterly to the ground crew chief that the aircraft was u/s. He was allocated a second aircraft and the "lineys" were sent into the hangar to tow it out. He signed for the new aircraft but before it was towed out he went back out to the first one and took off in it again! Best thing was, the crewman was still in the first Puma, he thought they were OK to take it after all! My colleague thought he had swapped all the kit over to the new one.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 08:56
  #54 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5,222
#52

I don't remember the first one but as you say the second was true.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 09:18
  #55 (permalink)  
lsd
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: devon
Age: 75
Posts: 51
And the student on our solo night flying phase who (allegedly) was allocated and signed for JP 'A', ventured out into the darkness and got into 'B', and on completing his sortie came back into the line office to sign off 'C' as u/s.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 09:25
  #56 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
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Originally Posted by ShyTorque View Post

Not to forget the RAF Puma pilot in Norway who got whiteout on landing and damaged the landing gear. A Gazelle landed to assist, got whiteout, crashed and trashed it. Second Gazelle arrives, same thing happened. Puma has to get airborne to take everyone home!

The last one was true.
I was the crewman who took everyone home! Imagine how careful we were on that approach!

CG
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 09:35
  #57 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Age: 74
Posts: 4,339
My instructor on 705 NAS was Dave "Malarky Jim" Mallock, one of a very few A1 instructors at the time.

Favourite saying (helicopter drivers will appreciate) was 'go the way you're pointing, and point the way you're going'.

Later I managed my first Deck Landing with Mike Lehan. In the debrief the opening was along the lines of 'when you get front line that's an excellent approach and landing. As you're a stude, that's a fail'.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 09:37
  #58 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a hole with an owl
Posts: 110
Dear reader, I was that clueless stude...

One of my early trips on the TWU course at Chiv, thumb in bum, mind in neutral, taxying out too close to the aircraft ahead.


Voice from the back seat (clearly trying to get idiot Bloggs to use the gunsight to work out the range): "So, Bloggs, what's the minimum spacing on taxy?"
Me: "Hundredandfiftyyards." (Chest swelling at my own cleverness)
Voice: "So how do you judge 150 yards, Bloggs?"
Me (without thinking): "Ooh, it's about a well-struck 7 iron."
Cue a string of deleted expletives from the back seat.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 13:12
  #59 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Quite near 'An aerodrome somewhere in England'
Posts: 26,128
It is said that a Gnat student managed to get lost at night....

....whilst taxying at Valley. For those who've never flown it, you sit so close to the ground in a Gnat that you cannot see very far. This chap turned onto some piece of tarmac which proved itself not to be the taxiway when grass appeared dead ahead. So he shut down, which meant no radio. Or lights. He then got out and made his way to the tower...

"Where did you leave it?"
"Errmm - don't know. On some bit of tarmac on the airfield!"

As it was very dark, they couldn't run the risk of someone running into the abandoned Gnat, so people were diverted until dawn revealed wherever it was that our hero had left it.
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Old 1st Sep 2017, 14:30
  #60 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Wiltshire
Posts: 789
SHY -Ii believe the first of your incidents happened on Troodos mountain in Cyprus to a pair of Sioux. The Gazelle one on the icy, sloping car park is true. The second pilot was the flight commander who had set off when he heard about the incident to bollock the first pilot!
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