Apocryphal Tales
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When I was in the Falklands I set up a little guitar teaching business for some extra income but mainly for something to do. One of my studes was a young army officer, can't remember what regiment but he had that fascinating ability of being able to talk without moving his top lip. He was actually a decent bloke but talk about from a different planet.
I'd seen plenty of war films depicting mythical upper crust army officers but of course you think that there surely can't be people who are actually like that. Well, there are. More of an eye opener for me than for him I think. He had an odd way of talking about his men; he was very warm towards them but you got the feeling he would talk about his favourite horses in the same way. As I say, decent enough stick and friendly enough towards me ..'Ah, Awayeff, vewy diffwent to us, vewy diffwent' he would say. Probably breeding rare pigs in Wales or something now.
I'd seen plenty of war films depicting mythical upper crust army officers but of course you think that there surely can't be people who are actually like that. Well, there are. More of an eye opener for me than for him I think. He had an odd way of talking about his men; he was very warm towards them but you got the feeling he would talk about his favourite horses in the same way. As I say, decent enough stick and friendly enough towards me ..'Ah, Awayeff, vewy diffwent to us, vewy diffwent' he would say. Probably breeding rare pigs in Wales or something now.
Dave (M'Larky Jim) Mallock told a tale about his early days as a Mid flying Whirlwinds. Helicopter aerodynamics was a thinly taught subject, so when he decided to see how fast the Whirwind would go the ensuing barrel roll caught his attention fairly smartish.
Copious coffees in the crewroom before he was able to go and discuss matters with his Splot, resulting in a much deeper knowledge of retreating blade stall and its effects
Copious coffees in the crewroom before he was able to go and discuss matters with his Splot, resulting in a much deeper knowledge of retreating blade stall and its effects
I had a senior Naval Officer relate a similar story to me:
"When you're upside-down in a helicopter and can see Windsor Castle and Heathrow airport at the same time, you know you're in trouble."
"When you're upside-down in a helicopter and can see Windsor Castle and Heathrow airport at the same time, you know you're in trouble."
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Thing:
The NAAFI dogs incident was Akrotiri and Rock Apes, but these are apocryphal tales.
Flight Idle:
If every green Goddess crew that allegedly rescued a cat then allegedly ran over it there'd be world shortage of cats.
One of the many subjects of the "there's some sh*t on the end of this stick" stories may well be barking orders on the great parade ground in the sky. Obituary in latest RAF News for WO John Overall. Sorry can't do linky things. RIP Sir, I'm sure you understand why we all ran away with our long hair and dirty working boots whenever we heard you were patrolling.
The NAAFI dogs incident was Akrotiri and Rock Apes, but these are apocryphal tales.
Flight Idle:
If every green Goddess crew that allegedly rescued a cat then allegedly ran over it there'd be world shortage of cats.
One of the many subjects of the "there's some sh*t on the end of this stick" stories may well be barking orders on the great parade ground in the sky. Obituary in latest RAF News for WO John Overall. Sorry can't do linky things. RIP Sir, I'm sure you understand why we all ran away with our long hair and dirty working boots whenever we heard you were patrolling.
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'Tween the Wars, RAF pilot gets caught short on a flight showing an Army Major around the mountainous Tribal regions of Persia. No alternative but to go where he was.
After the flight the Major thanks him for the tour and says "What was that fluid that leaked back from your cockpit?"
"Err petrol?" hazards the pilot.
"Oh no" said the Major thoughtfully. "It wasn't petrol. I tasted it.. it wasn't petrol...."
After the flight the Major thanks him for the tour and says "What was that fluid that leaked back from your cockpit?"
"Err petrol?" hazards the pilot.
"Oh no" said the Major thoughtfully. "It wasn't petrol. I tasted it.. it wasn't petrol...."
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Going too quick...
Sat in the tower watching what ATC do while I was converting to the Wessex (somebody had decided it was a good idea). Area controller talking to an F-111 and trying to get clearance for it to cross an airway. London Military aren't answering the phone and it's getting tight.
Eventually ATCO says "There's no traffic, so I'll count you into the airway and when you're in go to full throttle to minimise the time you're there." This seems sensible and all goes quite well. ATCO tells the F-111 that he's clear and the Aardvark resumes normal flight. Then the message comes through "Err...I think I may have gone supersonic back there."
There's a pause. It's a long pause. Then the Approach Room Supervisor picks up the mic. "We won't tell if you don't. Good day."
Eventually ATCO says "There's no traffic, so I'll count you into the airway and when you're in go to full throttle to minimise the time you're there." This seems sensible and all goes quite well. ATCO tells the F-111 that he's clear and the Aardvark resumes normal flight. Then the message comes through "Err...I think I may have gone supersonic back there."
There's a pause. It's a long pause. Then the Approach Room Supervisor picks up the mic. "We won't tell if you don't. Good day."
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Gut 70's. Heard a tale that some army guys were having a battle in the Naafi so plod take the dogs along and let them loose. Exit dead dogs thrown from Naafi windows.
Everyone evacuated outside, at the time there was a snooker competition that had been running for a month or so and it was finals night, the place was packed as we all watched the final and we were all getting p*ssed.
Arrives PC plod and his sniffer dog in his van as we all stand outside, we all watch through the window as he lets the dog up onto the table kicking the balls all over the place.
Needless to say this didn't go down to well, and when he comes out to announce all clear he is aghast to see his police van sitting upside down on its roof.
Odiham, something similar, we were all kicked out of the NAAFI as the police go in to search the place, People were not happy and when the police came out their blue light was missing off the Landy, Plod says something along the lines, I am going to go back into the club for 15 mins and when i come out I expect to see my blue light returned.... 15 mins later he emerged to find his blue light present and correct...... sitting on the road where his Landrover once stood
.
Last edited by NutLoose; 10th Mar 2014 at 15:19.
Odiham, something similar, we were all kicked out of the NAAFI as the police go in to search the place, People were not happy and when the police come out their blue light was missing off the Landy, Plod says something along the lines, I am going to go back into the club for 15 mins and when i come out I expect to see my blue light returned.... 15 mins later he emerged to find his blue light present and correct...... sitting on the road where his Landrover once stood
Lossie mid 80s. USAF F111 diverts with hyd problems and is directed to park on the same dispersal area as 8Sqn. There were two Shacks on the line. After shutting down and climbing out, the pilot of the 111 asked the VASF see- in team: Are you guys shooting a World War Two movie? What aircraft are those?
He was politely informed that no; a movie was not being shot and that said aircraft were,in fact, the UK's first line of defence by providing Airborne
Early Warning. His response was not clearly articulated but sounded like clucking bell!
SATCO sent a small package to SENGO(Mike Duguid, I think) with a 6 or 7 inch piece of fabric in it which had been found on the runway. The fabric was used on the Shack to cover gaps on wing joints but also as a waterproof cover over the flare firing aperture. It wasn't uncommon for it to be replaced after a training trip.
The memo that came with the fabric expressed concern that a vital piece of the aircraft had dropped off and SATCO felt the need to return it as soon as possible to ensure the ongoing serviceability of the national QRA commitment.
Taking it in the right vein SENGO then put a grotty piece of frayed string into the envelope and sent it to ATC with his own memo. Which read: Thank you for your concern re the piece of fabric. You will be pleased to know that although it did come from one of our aircraft it is not vital to safe flight. If, on the other hand, your staff find anything like this we would be very worried indeed!
He was politely informed that no; a movie was not being shot and that said aircraft were,in fact, the UK's first line of defence by providing Airborne
Early Warning. His response was not clearly articulated but sounded like clucking bell!
SATCO sent a small package to SENGO(Mike Duguid, I think) with a 6 or 7 inch piece of fabric in it which had been found on the runway. The fabric was used on the Shack to cover gaps on wing joints but also as a waterproof cover over the flare firing aperture. It wasn't uncommon for it to be replaced after a training trip.
The memo that came with the fabric expressed concern that a vital piece of the aircraft had dropped off and SATCO felt the need to return it as soon as possible to ensure the ongoing serviceability of the national QRA commitment.
Taking it in the right vein SENGO then put a grotty piece of frayed string into the envelope and sent it to ATC with his own memo. Which read: Thank you for your concern re the piece of fabric. You will be pleased to know that although it did come from one of our aircraft it is not vital to safe flight. If, on the other hand, your staff find anything like this we would be very worried indeed!
Laarbruch, mid nineties: Lots of snow on the ground and on a well oiled Friday evening some snowmen get built near to the NAAFI. Duty plod see this as a challenge and drive their noddy car through all the snowmen they find during the course of the evening. But the snowmen keep popping up in lots of different places and are demolished at ever increasing speeds........... One snowman had at its heart one of those huge concrete planters..... Game then stopped abruptly, as did the land rover.
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Laarbruch, mid nineties: Lots of snow on the ground and on a well oiled Friday evening some snowmen get built near to the NAAFI. Duty plod see this as a challenge and drive their noddy car through all the snowmen they find during the course of the evening. But the snowmen keep popping up in lots of different places and are demolished at ever increasing speeds........... One snowman had at its heart one of those huge concrete planters..... Game then stopped abruptly, as did the land rover.
Good sport though
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RAF Tengah, late 60s.
As "Tengah Times" would say, "There is no truth in the rumour that" (or TINTITRT)
... that during a Friday afternoon an F6 from 74 needed to divert to RAF Changi.
... that during that evening's VIP Dining In Night (RAF 50th Anniversary?) it was deemed appropriate to recover the aircraft to Tengah.
... that the recovery was co-ordinated by Storno with ATC by a 74 guy on the Mess roof.
... that as Sir Rochford Hughes (CinC FEAF) stood up to speak, the F6 overflew the Mess at <insert height here> in full reheat.
... that timing was so perfect that OC 74 Sqn remained in post.
Not apocryphal ... sorry, wrong thread
I was way below the salt that evening, but well placed to crawl on hands and knees to the loo if necessary.
As "Tengah Times" would say, "There is no truth in the rumour that" (or TINTITRT)
... that during a Friday afternoon an F6 from 74 needed to divert to RAF Changi.
... that during that evening's VIP Dining In Night (RAF 50th Anniversary?) it was deemed appropriate to recover the aircraft to Tengah.
... that the recovery was co-ordinated by Storno with ATC by a 74 guy on the Mess roof.
... that as Sir Rochford Hughes (CinC FEAF) stood up to speak, the F6 overflew the Mess at <insert height here> in full reheat.
... that timing was so perfect that OC 74 Sqn remained in post.
Not apocryphal ... sorry, wrong thread
I was way below the salt that evening, but well placed to crawl on hands and knees to the loo if necessary.
Last edited by MPN11; 10th Mar 2014 at 20:08.
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Nothing to do with aviation
Allegedly told me by the individual himself while instructing me on the Spartan CVR(T) armament. As a newly qualified artificer, he arrived at his new unit as the subject of a wind up that everyone, apart from him was in on. He was told by his boss to go and do the yearly service on the gate guard. Being Army, the gate guard was a Crimean war era cannon. Never having serviced one previously and not realising that he was being watched by half the unit, he circled it a couple of times before giving one of the wheels a bit of a kick. At this point, the wheel collapsed and the cannon rolled onto its side. Fortunately not injuring the artificer.
Leaving the cannon where it was, he returned to his boss who had received a multitude of angry phone calls and was told to p**s off to lunch. While eating his lunch he was approached by the captain of the small bore shooting team that knew he was a good shot and asked him to shoot 10 cards and give them to him later – issuing him with 100 rounds of .22 ammo. The range was in the roof space of the Sergeants’ Mess (wouldn’t get that authorised nowadays) and he shot his cards and returned to work – the fire engine passing him in the opposite direction at a great lick of knots on his way.
The ammo he had been given had been .22 tracer which had landed in the bullet traps that were stuffed with cotton waste and had subsequently caught fire. It was half way through his first day. He had destroyed the gate guard and burnt a good portion of the Sergeants’ Mess down.
Leaving the cannon where it was, he returned to his boss who had received a multitude of angry phone calls and was told to p**s off to lunch. While eating his lunch he was approached by the captain of the small bore shooting team that knew he was a good shot and asked him to shoot 10 cards and give them to him later – issuing him with 100 rounds of .22 ammo. The range was in the roof space of the Sergeants’ Mess (wouldn’t get that authorised nowadays) and he shot his cards and returned to work – the fire engine passing him in the opposite direction at a great lick of knots on his way.
The ammo he had been given had been .22 tracer which had landed in the bullet traps that were stuffed with cotton waste and had subsequently caught fire. It was half way through his first day. He had destroyed the gate guard and burnt a good portion of the Sergeants’ Mess down.
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There is a story that has no truth whatever that at a certain Borneo airfield 2 SIB bodies were being lifted up country a bit by Whirlwind. They parked their shiny white, clean Landrover outside the squadron offices and departed about their duties. When they returned the next day they couldn't find it, and called for transport and left leaving their now green Landrover where it had been parked. There is not a word of truth in this and I deny it absolutely!
And the fun ensuing after turning the Air Portable LR fuel cock to the in-between tanks position.
Noting that certain RAFG very minor personalities commandeered such vehicles in the 70's as their personal chariots (they looked sexy to non-op folks trying to look macho -but were pretty hopeless) without having a clue how they worked.
The ensuing traffic jam in front of the mess,blocking all the execs getting back to work post a Guterlsoh Friday Lunch hour ,witnessed from the Goering Zimmer was a delight.
Followed by a quick dash down to the LR to throw the cock whilst said individual was furiously phoning the unit's MT section.
Then watching when said Unit MT turn up , throw the switch, resulting in immediate start -up..,,, in front of the entire aristocracy of the base who are blocked up behind the vehicle and now a half hour late back for work.
Noting that certain RAFG very minor personalities commandeered such vehicles in the 70's as their personal chariots (they looked sexy to non-op folks trying to look macho -but were pretty hopeless) without having a clue how they worked.
The ensuing traffic jam in front of the mess,blocking all the execs getting back to work post a Guterlsoh Friday Lunch hour ,witnessed from the Goering Zimmer was a delight.
Followed by a quick dash down to the LR to throw the cock whilst said individual was furiously phoning the unit's MT section.
Then watching when said Unit MT turn up , throw the switch, resulting in immediate start -up..,,, in front of the entire aristocracy of the base who are blocked up behind the vehicle and now a half hour late back for work.
Remember being on exercise as a Puma crewman somewhere in Northern Germany. The exercise was stopped for a visit to the troops by their Colonel. My self and said pilot were dutifully standing in front of our trusty Puma when the Captain showing the senior chap around made a bee line for me and said" I'd like to introduce Sgt ******, he called me a cup cake!" Pilot turns a shade of puce and the Captain explained that I had made him do sit ups sometime in the past as he had cocked up his emplaning and deplanning drills and I hadn't noticed that he was on officer! The Colonel looked at me for a while, then smiled and said well done and walked away. I had a rather one sided listening to from the pilot that evening.........
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Early '90's, I had an SAC in my flight called Colin Andrews (I've changed the surname but not the first name). He was universally known as Col.
Now Col was a slightly out of the ordinary SAC. For a start, he was in his early 30's and, although he looked like a sack of spanners in uniform, his civvie dress was always immaculate. Blazer, flannels, military tie etc.
It came to pass that Col was selected for a 4 month tour in the Falklands. So come the day, Col presents himself (immaculate in MUFTI) at Brize for onward transportation to all points South.
As it happened, also travelling South that evening was the roulemont for the Resident Infantry Unit. The DAMO had been informed that the CO of the pongoes was turning up at Brize to see off his guys. The CO was a Colonel Andrews.
Enter SAC Colin Andrews with his carry-on briefcase marked 'Col Andrews'.
I think you can guess the rest.
To give Col his dues, he managed to bluff his way through a considerable quantity of G and T in the VIP lounge before being rumbled.
Now Col was a slightly out of the ordinary SAC. For a start, he was in his early 30's and, although he looked like a sack of spanners in uniform, his civvie dress was always immaculate. Blazer, flannels, military tie etc.
It came to pass that Col was selected for a 4 month tour in the Falklands. So come the day, Col presents himself (immaculate in MUFTI) at Brize for onward transportation to all points South.
As it happened, also travelling South that evening was the roulemont for the Resident Infantry Unit. The DAMO had been informed that the CO of the pongoes was turning up at Brize to see off his guys. The CO was a Colonel Andrews.
Enter SAC Colin Andrews with his carry-on briefcase marked 'Col Andrews'.
I think you can guess the rest.
To give Col his dues, he managed to bluff his way through a considerable quantity of G and T in the VIP lounge before being rumbled.