Good RAF Army Banter/Jokes
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And another
The SAS, the army and the RAF police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a loud bang and a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the Army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the RAF police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.
The RAF police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a ***king rabbit..."
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a loud bang and a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the Army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the RAF police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.
The RAF police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a ***king rabbit..."
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Army Rank Structure
General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least 3 days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Doggy paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognises trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition, but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in mud puddles.
Stutters.
Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely
supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Sergeant-Major
Catches hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
IS God..
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least 3 days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Doggy paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognises trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition, but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in mud puddles.
Stutters.
Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely
supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Sergeant-Major
Catches hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
IS God..
National Service Story:
A group of friends meet in a pub after one of them has been for his National Service medical.
He recounts that towards the end of the examination, the doctor asks him to drop his trousers and then enquires how long he has been wearing a truss. The boy says he told the doctor about six years and the doctor then writes; “MU” in large red letters on the youth’s file.
The boy asks the doctor what this means and the doctor explains that ‘MU’ stands for ‘medically unfit’ because he has been wearing a truss for so long.
Another youth, who is having his medical in a few days, asks his friend if he can borrow a truss in order to be declared unfit for military service when the doctor sees him wearing it.
The same process is followed and when the second youth drops his trousers, the medic asks how long the boy has been wearing a truss. “About five or six years” comes the reply, at which point the doctor writes “ME” on the candidate’s file in large blue letters.
“Excuse me Sir, but shouldn’t that be ‘MU’ for medically unfit because I wear a truss?” asks the boy.
“No” replies the doctor, “ME stands for Middle East. If you can wear a truss back to front for six years, you’re fit enough to ride a camel”
Old Duffer
A group of friends meet in a pub after one of them has been for his National Service medical.
He recounts that towards the end of the examination, the doctor asks him to drop his trousers and then enquires how long he has been wearing a truss. The boy says he told the doctor about six years and the doctor then writes; “MU” in large red letters on the youth’s file.
The boy asks the doctor what this means and the doctor explains that ‘MU’ stands for ‘medically unfit’ because he has been wearing a truss for so long.
Another youth, who is having his medical in a few days, asks his friend if he can borrow a truss in order to be declared unfit for military service when the doctor sees him wearing it.
The same process is followed and when the second youth drops his trousers, the medic asks how long the boy has been wearing a truss. “About five or six years” comes the reply, at which point the doctor writes “ME” on the candidate’s file in large blue letters.
“Excuse me Sir, but shouldn’t that be ‘MU’ for medically unfit because I wear a truss?” asks the boy.
“No” replies the doctor, “ME stands for Middle East. If you can wear a truss back to front for six years, you’re fit enough to ride a camel”
Old Duffer
Well Jamesman,
You've benefitted from the collective humour of ppruners everywhere - heaven help you!
As an aside, you could weave into your speech how you sought illumination and inspiration from this site and you could even hint at some of the more unsuitable suggestions.
As I think I mentioned early on in this Thread; Good taste is everything!
Please report back.
Old Duffer
You've benefitted from the collective humour of ppruners everywhere - heaven help you!
As an aside, you could weave into your speech how you sought illumination and inspiration from this site and you could even hint at some of the more unsuitable suggestions.
As I think I mentioned early on in this Thread; Good taste is everything!
Please report back.
Old Duffer
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(from Old Duffer)
...Still the aircraft is losing height and a Para Regt officer gets up next, goes to the rear door, salutes and says: “Remember Goose Green” and throws out the Argie.
...Still the aircraft is losing height and a Para Regt officer gets up next, goes to the rear door, salutes and says: “Remember Goose Green” and throws out the Argie.
Maybe the Argie was a Fuerza Aerea loadmaster back in the '70s?
Thread Starter
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Location: Army territory
Age: 58
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All,
Thank you again for all your anecdotes. As I sit at my desk, nursing a ravaged body and head, I managed to spin a number of your stories into the dinner night last night, all very well received!
Interestingly, as I used the post #8 from fantom as a prelude to the comfort break, I was then picked up on that fact that I as the RAF officer was the only person who did actually wash ones hands after using the facilities. The dirty beggars!!!!
And OD, used your 'off to the village with you dear' story to round off the dinner.
However, turns out that the RE 1* down thoroughly enjoyed the Army put downs! They do have a sense of humour!!
Thanks again.......off to die in the corner somewhere again!
As a final request, .................any good advice on hangovers??? Sadly no oxygen available.
Jamesman
Thank you again for all your anecdotes. As I sit at my desk, nursing a ravaged body and head, I managed to spin a number of your stories into the dinner night last night, all very well received!
Interestingly, as I used the post #8 from fantom as a prelude to the comfort break, I was then picked up on that fact that I as the RAF officer was the only person who did actually wash ones hands after using the facilities. The dirty beggars!!!!
And OD, used your 'off to the village with you dear' story to round off the dinner.
However, turns out that the RE 1* down thoroughly enjoyed the Army put downs! They do have a sense of humour!!
Thanks again.......off to die in the corner somewhere again!
As a final request, .................any good advice on hangovers??? Sadly no oxygen available.
Jamesman
Join Date: Feb 2006
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As I think I mentioned early on in this Thread; Good taste is everything!
Please report back.
Old Duffer
Please report back.
Old Duffer
Army officer posted to some desert backwater miles from anywhere arrives and looking around the motley collection of tents in the middle of nowhere turns to the Sgt and says, "Sgt, what do you guys do for entertainment, I mean there is nothing" the Sgt point over to a camel tied to a post sitting out in the sun and replies, "when we get desperate we use old Mildred over there"...
Months go by and finally the officer can stand it any more, he rushes past the Sgt out to Mildred saying " I can't stand it any longer", drops his trousers and go's at it....... Sgt looks on as the Officer turns and says "God this is awful, how can you do this Sgt?" to which he replies "We don't, we all ride old mildred into the local town where there are plenty of women"
Wouldn't go down well then
Thought I would revive this little forum 
I was told this joke many moons ago, made me laugh at the time. Colonel Farquhar has a Batman called Wibble. It is Wibble this and Wibble that all day long. 'Tea Wibble'. 'My boots Wibble'. 'My pressed uniform Wibble'. One day the Colonel tells Wibble to run him a bath and to make it very soapy. The Colonel is relaxing in the bath and has the urge to pass wind and does so, somewhat loudly, bubbles popping all over. Five minutes later Wibble appears and says, 'Here is your water bottle sir!'. The old boy is somewhat miffed and says , 'I didn't order a water bottle Wibble!'. Wibble replies, yes you did sir, 'I distinctly heard you say, WHATABOUTAWATERBOTTLEWIBBLE......
I was told this joke many moons ago, made me laugh at the time. Colonel Farquhar has a Batman called Wibble. It is Wibble this and Wibble that all day long. 'Tea Wibble'. 'My boots Wibble'. 'My pressed uniform Wibble'. One day the Colonel tells Wibble to run him a bath and to make it very soapy. The Colonel is relaxing in the bath and has the urge to pass wind and does so, somewhat loudly, bubbles popping all over. Five minutes later Wibble appears and says, 'Here is your water bottle sir!'. The old boy is somewhat miffed and says , 'I didn't order a water bottle Wibble!'. Wibble replies, yes you did sir, 'I distinctly heard you say, WHATABOUTAWATERBOTTLEWIBBLE......
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Tightgit
From the 669 Sqn AAC Line Book at RAF Wildenrath (Callsigns, Altitudes, Headings and distances may not be accurate, it was some time ago now)
Beaver Pilot "Gutersloh Radar, Army Air xxx Level FL 60 Heading 255"
Passing Lightning "Gutersloh Radar, any chance of vectors to the Beaver for a practice intercept?"
Gutersloh Radar " Roger Turn Left Heading 225, 20 miles
Lightning "Left 225, not visual"
Gutersloh Radar "Maintain Heading 225, 15 miles'
Lightning "Roger, not visual"
Gutersloh Radar " Right 230, 10 miles
Lightning "Right 230, not visual
Gutersloh Radar " Maintain 230, 5 miles
Lightning Roger "Not visual"
Gutersloh Radar " 230, 3 miles"
Lightning "Roger, No contact"
Beaver " Would you like me to switch my lights on to make things easier?"
Well, it was funny when I read it
Beaver Pilot "Gutersloh Radar, Army Air xxx Level FL 60 Heading 255"
Passing Lightning "Gutersloh Radar, any chance of vectors to the Beaver for a practice intercept?"
Gutersloh Radar " Roger Turn Left Heading 225, 20 miles
Lightning "Left 225, not visual"
Gutersloh Radar "Maintain Heading 225, 15 miles'
Lightning "Roger, not visual"
Gutersloh Radar " Right 230, 10 miles
Lightning "Right 230, not visual
Gutersloh Radar " Maintain 230, 5 miles
Lightning Roger "Not visual"
Gutersloh Radar " 230, 3 miles"
Lightning "Roger, No contact"
Beaver " Would you like me to switch my lights on to make things easier?"
Well, it was funny when I read it
I was sitting next to an Army captain in a Herc as we crossed the French coast heading for Lyneham when the Nav announced over the intercom that our position was west of the Cherbourg Peninsular. Looking out of the window and cross checking with his Letts pocket diary map, the Captain became rather concerned that this was inaccurate and that we were actually east of the peninsular rather nearer Le Havre than Cherbourg. I suggested that he inform the loady who invited him up to the flight deck where a short conversation with the Nav which revealed that he was indeed right and it would seem that his trusty Letts pocket diary map was more accurate than the Herc’s nav aids. (I think the Nav was navigating between beacons and was being a bit lazy and had not bothered to look out the window)
Nigerian In Law
The Forces have a close association with stars:
The Navy navigate by them
The Army sleep under them
The RAF rate hotels with them
NEO
The Navy navigate by them
The Army sleep under them
The RAF rate hotels with them
NEO
Apocrahyl story.
MoD survey; what would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent
Marine: Rip the sting off and eat it
Army: Stamp on it
RAF: Ring room service and ask what is a tent doing in my room.
MoD survey; what would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent
Marine: Rip the sting off and eat it
Army: Stamp on it
RAF: Ring room service and ask what is a tent doing in my room.