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Funny Things Happen in The Air Force

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Funny Things Happen in The Air Force

Old 5th Jul 2010, 19:10
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My OC Police Flt was detached, so OC Regt was acting as Stn Sy O. Came to see me about a police report of an investigation into the importation of pornographic videos by service personnel. It is almost impossible to describe how boring an RAF Police report into pornography could be. However, despite my fairly broad education, the meaning of one word which obviously described a deviant sexual practice had me foxed. OC Regt did not know, and got a flea in the ear for not having found out. So I sent him to find out what it meant. A day later he returned with an embarassed smirk -like "I've got you boss, and how will you explain this to the Staish (who had a reputation for being a bit straight laced)", and explained in a slightly stilted falsetto.

So off I trotted to see the boss, who read the report, and as time passed I began to realise that he ws not as straight laced as was thought. Eventually, of course, he came to the difficult word. "What does this mean?" he asked. My reply had him rolling in the aisles, so to speak. "Well, Boss", I said. It's what you and I suffer from from Group and Command every day -it's being p****d on from a great height", but we decided it would be fun to get OC Regt to explain it to him face to face!
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Old 6th Jul 2010, 13:24
  #222 (permalink)  
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RNZAF air show at Ohakea - aircraft maintenance squadron has stripped down A4K on display. Flt Sgt in charge of static displays wanders over and starts berating the baggies that visitors will not understand what they see unless there is some signs and words. 10 minutes before the gates open the signs are finished and in place. Flt Sgt wanders in 1 hour later with happy face at large crowd milling around A4K, some obviously pointing at the signs. Not so happy when he gets closer and reads them. Tail skin repairs, middle skin repairs, foreskin repairs. Local lasses loved it. 14 days jankers for all involved but worth every minute of it.
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Old 6th Jul 2010, 16:02
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Staish's car approaches the main gate, guard looks to see who's in the back, it's Mrs Staish so he raises the barrier and waves driver through. Car stops, window descends, "Compliment!" shrieks Mrs Staish who thinks she is Harry Staish when in his car. Guard smiles and replies "I like your hair!"

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Old 7th Jul 2010, 09:58
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Fess up Jock, twas you was it not.....?

heh heh heh but should it not have been a comment on the clothes?

A word of advice to the young sprogs. When on gate guard ensure you have prior knowledge of who Harry Staish's daughters are and what they drive, it saves mucho umbridge, embarrasement and a little chat sans coffee n biccies.
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 11:57
  #225 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cornish-stormrider
A word of advice to the young sprogs. When on gate guard ensure you have prior knowledge of who Harry Staish's daughters are and what they drive, it saves mucho umbridge, embarrasement and a little chat sans coffee n biccies.
And not so young

MSW at Waddo, Cpl Policeman on the door (a real one not a made up one). Mrs Wg Cdr arrives at window:

"I have come to see my husband."

"Pass please"

"Sorry I don't have a pass, I am wife of . . . "

"No Pass, no entry."

"But don't you know who I am?"

"Yes Mam, but no pass no entry."

Next day,

Barrier up, barrier down

"Morning Cpl, come out for a breath of fresh air?"

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Old 7th Jul 2010, 12:14
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Good for the lad on the door! She should have known better.

Fortunately, those "Don't you know who I am" wives are probably now a thing of the past. During my short time in the V-force, one Sqn Cdr was known as "The husband of Mrs OC 44 Sqn" (aka "The bloke sitting in Wally's chair")....
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 13:34
  #227 (permalink)  
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As a young airman I was on gate guard on a particularly nasty wet day. An officer's wife drove up to the barrier and I spotted about two feet of expensive dress hanging out of her car door. I checked her pass and said "Do you know your dress is trapped in the car door and is getting wet?" The reply was

"Don't be impertinent airman"
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 15:15
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Cool

'Fess up Jock, twas you was it not.....?'

Er, no, cornish, girls didn't do gate guard when I was in the mob.

And her husband once charged a gate guard for the heinous crime of having a hole in his glove.
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 15:30
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those "Don't you know who I am" wives
.. invariably take it badly when the response is a loud, "Anyone recognise this old dear, she seems a bit confused, and can't remember her name. Don't worry dear, someone will recognise you soon."

CG
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 15:32
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the heinous crime of having a hole in his glove
Did he not explain that it was to enable him to put his hand in said glove?
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 15:46
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That's better than having a hole in his pocket.
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 22:49
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Or a hole in his....whatever.
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Old 7th Jul 2010, 22:56
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So where were we...

OC something was pissed off with Bloggs, ordered him to his office NOW!
So he did, with a large step ladder and a lot of crashing about.
Post bollocking, OC something says to Sgt i/c, what on earth did you say to him....sgt says get in the boss's office now and take BIG STEPS!....
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Old 9th Jul 2010, 19:26
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one from the US

As recounted to me

A USAF Nightingale aircraft (DC9 to the unitiated) stopped for fuel at a very cold Thule in Greenland.
the pilot is in a hurry as there is a weather front on its way in and he doesn't wish to get stranded there for a few days. The fuellers finish and the only thing holding him up is the " Honey Wagon" which is slowly removing the contents of the toilets. The pilot exorts the airman operating the honey wagon to hurry up but the surley looking airman just shruggs and sinks deeper into his parka coat.
This is the final straw for the pilot, who makes it clear that if he doesnt get a move on he's going to be in line for some serious "Disciplinary action!"

The obviously fed up airman replies,
"Sir you may have surmised that I am based here in Greenland. as you can see I have no stripes at all on my arm, its presently Minus 20 degrees out here on the flight line, and my job in life is to empty the S**t out of visiting planes."

"Now would you please explain how you propose to punish me?"
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Old 13th Jul 2010, 12:59
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Sat in an office of mixed blue suits and my civilian colleagues at a well known training base in the Midlands, with the students away being used and abused at RIAT, the banter often turns to war stories and funny happenstances. One that comes to mind is:
An experienced SAC posted into a Mighty Hunter squadron in the Med many moons ago is walking past the guardroom when he is verbally accosted by the SWO. "Airman, that badge on your tie is illegal" Quick as a flash the young SAC replies " No, sir. It's a seahorse!" (The Squadron emblem). In the ensuing pregnant pause said airman disappears rapidly before any further onslaught.
When any more stories are forthcoming I will post them.
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Old 13th Jul 2010, 16:50
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There we were, mid 70's at the high altitude pursuit ship base in north Lincs on QRA. Scrambled we did at 2am in the middle of winter. Aircraft lands, crew go to sleep. We refuel at about -10 deg C and then put the aircraft to bed and then we go to sleep. As duty boss, normally get up and make sure the aircraft are ok and all is well. Going into the Q shed I am now up to my ankles ( maybe slight exageration) with fuel. Because of the heat in the Q shed, our baby had started venting fuel everywhere!! Now we have 2 inches of fuel in the shed and my thoughts were "S**T, please do not scramble as we would have the Q shed in re-heat!!!" Luckily the reds did not invade our airspace, and we swept the shed (very clean floor by this time) and the jockeys slept through it all !!! Happy days.
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Old 15th Oct 2010, 07:20
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I was on the GRSF team at Laarbruch from 1974-77.
Definately the best days of my service career.
One day while driving the Section wagon
(you know the one with the custard stirrer for a gear stick)
up the taxi way towards CADF, I noted the arrival of a Charlie 130
on a pan near the ILS array. Being the concientious tech I
paced out the distance and found the aircraft to be seriously
infringeing the quarantine guidlines. So effectively the ILS
was now out of calibration. I alerted my boss to the infringement,
possibly C/Tech Buck, who then passed the info on to SATCO.
The result was that the aircraft handlers decided to back the
aircraft further on the pan. It might have helped if they had
used someone to properly marshall the manoeuvre as the C130 port wing
made contact with a pine tree and rippled the wing. Oh yes,intitialy
SATCO tried to blame me.

Does anyone remember the day when all the copies of
Laarbruch Listener hadto be censored with a craft knife, when a picture of airmen in and on a MT Mini was printed. Just how many airmen were invovled in the game we'll never know.
As the numbers game went wrong when the body shell buckled and the
vehicle had to be written off.
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Old 15th Oct 2010, 09:36
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BoB
You have personal mail
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Old 19th Sep 2011, 07:49
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sitigeltfel,

That RN Wessex SOAP story reminds me of a mate and former colleague at my old helicopter company who was in the FAA as a mechanic on the Sea King and got roped into being a batman for an incoming flight. He hadnt been trained as a handler.

Anyhow after a brieef brief, and matey struggled but got the hand signals right, once the wheels had touched he kept signalling the aircraft commander to power down. But the A/C was mimicking a drinking motion with his hand as in drinking a cup of tea. Another few minutes passed and rotors still spinning and matey kept insisting he powers down.

So the visual dialogue contineued till matey managed to call over one of his colleagues to come over and asked him to kindly make a cup of tea for the a/c. Soon enough a boiling cup of hot tea was brought to the aircraft and handed over to the the pilot.

Thereafter drink was consumed, and laughter and smiles from the crew, then handed back to said sailor ran back to matey and said "The pilot says thanks for an excellent cup of tea but what he wanted was his helo to be refuelled". Then it dawned on matey that the a/c what the hand movements meant

Anyhow back to this topic, when I was in the CCF and in the RAF section, went on easter camp 1991 to Church Fenton and amongst other schools CCF such as Shipwreck school and another school from London. Anyhow throughout the camp, especially to section visits we were constantly reminded 'we don't want any paperwork' as in try not to get injured or killed especially from the visit to the fire station. The SAC crewmember said if theres an emergency out on the runway they crank up the engines and move on out regardless of who or whats in the way and then fill in the paperwork afterwards

Then the night exercise near the runway where cadets versus cadets in stop and search and apprehend under the direction of an RAFP Corporal but we kinda got out of hand physically and got threatened to be arrested and locked up in the guardroom for the night

Also when we were visiting the tower, an F.3 crew decided to give us a nice display as in a couple of circuits, with landing gear down and then not even touching the runway and then gear up a few times around the tower then finally, after the third or fourth pass, they accelerated away at full afterburner

Though the week was fun we were all ushered off base for an orienteering exercise around the countryside as on a sad day was the funeral of a Tornado pilot who had been shot down during Desert Storm, and it was held in Tadcaster as his family was from there. His squadron had a flypast of GR.1 during the late morning, early afternoon.

One lucky cadet won a competition to go up in the new Tucano as the rest of us ended up going up on AEF Chippie
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Old 19th Sep 2011, 21:25
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I guess we know now why the thread's titled "funny things happen in the AIR FORCE."!
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