Funny Things Happen in The Air Force
Taceval at tiny Yorkshire Group HQ.
Exercise staff throw a smoke canister towards a gaggle of airmen patrolling the perimeter. One of the airmen dashes forward, picks up the smoking canister and hurls it back, scattering the officers. Later while being bollocked, the Sergeant Discipline asks, "What would have happened had it been a real grenade?" The airman replied "I probably would have been standing in front of the Queen receiving a medal instead of getting a bollocking from you Sarge!"
Exercise staff throw a smoke canister towards a gaggle of airmen patrolling the perimeter. One of the airmen dashes forward, picks up the smoking canister and hurls it back, scattering the officers. Later while being bollocked, the Sergeant Discipline asks, "What would have happened had it been a real grenade?" The airman replied "I probably would have been standing in front of the Queen receiving a medal instead of getting a bollocking from you Sarge!"
Wittering 1966. The SWO had got his usual revenge on Victor Line Sqn. by nominating most of them for Guard of Honour, including an ethnic Nigerian electrician known to everyone as " Joe ".
Having all drawn arms, the SWO sized us into 3 ranks and " Joe " found himself in the rear rank. Enter a young Nav. Rad. who had lost the toss for O i/c GoH. He spotted "Joe" in the rear rank, pointed at him and told him to swap places with the man in the centre of the front rank.
" Tell you what, Sir, I have a better idea " replied Joe, " Why don't you put me on a lead and stand me in front of the band "
Having all drawn arms, the SWO sized us into 3 ranks and " Joe " found himself in the rear rank. Enter a young Nav. Rad. who had lost the toss for O i/c GoH. He spotted "Joe" in the rear rank, pointed at him and told him to swap places with the man in the centre of the front rank.
" Tell you what, Sir, I have a better idea " replied Joe, " Why don't you put me on a lead and stand me in front of the band "
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As mere civie who has only worked alongside the heros in blue these stories are priceless. I agree with previous poster - please someone get them compiled into a book and sold for a mob charity.
Monday 22 April 1974 - Coltishall -1st Encounter with Lightning
Talkdown Controller Plt Off Dave L, Lightning Pilot Flt Lt Jack B
ACT 1 - The Talkdown
First day of first tour DL leaves Satcos office after arrival interview, " we'll start you off on Talkdown - lets see how good you are - the last one straight out of Shawbury lasted a week!" DL is hastily thrust in the seat and the screen controller gives words of encouragement along lines of " 2 & 1/2 degree glidepath not 3, clearances at 8 & 4 miles not 6 & 3 and dont forget its a bit quicker than a Jet Provost, thats him just coming on at 9 miles".
DL makes a promising start only mildly thrown by the clipped punchy r/t from the pilot unlike the clear relaxed civvy pilots at Shawbury - he overcomes the first hurdle of remembering to announce himself as Coltishall Talkdown and not Shawbury - all he has ever known! First clearance is duly remembered at 8 miles and DL settles into the patter even remembering to begin descent for a 2 & 1/2 degree glidepath. All is going nicely as DL does his best to achieve a good centreline line up. The 4 mile clearance to overshoot is obtained with a hasty prompt and a "tut" from the screen controller. But now the speed of the approach begins to overtake DL who is struggling to keep a rythmic patter going and remember all his half mile range calls, he is working hard to keep up and some stressed breathing adds to his difficulties. " Dont forget the surface wind" urges the tutting screen swiftly followed by "and watch for Decision Height". By now DL's commentary is failing to keep up and the gap between each blip on the fast scanning radar is rapidly increasing! Finally DL utters the finishing phrase "passing Decision Height look ahead and take over visually radar service terminates" by which time the blip has passed off the screen and the jet can be heard roaring past the Tower.
Headset off DL wipes his brow and nervously looks to his screen for reassurance only to hear " the Boss wont be too impressed with this - you need to speed up - best you sit over there and get on with reading the Order Book". Unknown to DL JB had been briefed to cleanup and open up at 4 miles and was probably doing about 300 kts over the threshold!
ACT 1 - The Talkdown
First day of first tour DL leaves Satcos office after arrival interview, " we'll start you off on Talkdown - lets see how good you are - the last one straight out of Shawbury lasted a week!" DL is hastily thrust in the seat and the screen controller gives words of encouragement along lines of " 2 & 1/2 degree glidepath not 3, clearances at 8 & 4 miles not 6 & 3 and dont forget its a bit quicker than a Jet Provost, thats him just coming on at 9 miles".
DL makes a promising start only mildly thrown by the clipped punchy r/t from the pilot unlike the clear relaxed civvy pilots at Shawbury - he overcomes the first hurdle of remembering to announce himself as Coltishall Talkdown and not Shawbury - all he has ever known! First clearance is duly remembered at 8 miles and DL settles into the patter even remembering to begin descent for a 2 & 1/2 degree glidepath. All is going nicely as DL does his best to achieve a good centreline line up. The 4 mile clearance to overshoot is obtained with a hasty prompt and a "tut" from the screen controller. But now the speed of the approach begins to overtake DL who is struggling to keep a rythmic patter going and remember all his half mile range calls, he is working hard to keep up and some stressed breathing adds to his difficulties. " Dont forget the surface wind" urges the tutting screen swiftly followed by "and watch for Decision Height". By now DL's commentary is failing to keep up and the gap between each blip on the fast scanning radar is rapidly increasing! Finally DL utters the finishing phrase "passing Decision Height look ahead and take over visually radar service terminates" by which time the blip has passed off the screen and the jet can be heard roaring past the Tower.
Headset off DL wipes his brow and nervously looks to his screen for reassurance only to hear " the Boss wont be too impressed with this - you need to speed up - best you sit over there and get on with reading the Order Book". Unknown to DL JB had been briefed to cleanup and open up at 4 miles and was probably doing about 300 kts over the threshold!
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To add one I was told.
Airfield ATC Simulator excercise with a painted scene of said airfield on one wall. Student has everything under control. WAAF acting as assistant alogside. Testers decide to increase pressure on student by adding more and more urgent and increasingly serious situations interspersed with phone calls to the assistant stating Farmer Giles who owns a field outside perimeter fence needs a word. Student getting more and more harassed keeps telling the WAAF he cant take the phone as he too busy. Testers keep increasing the pressure and make one more call to WAAF - she passes message on that Farmer Giles says he must talk to SATCO as some of his sheep have got through the peri fence and are on a runway. Student now at breaking point stands up glares a painted scene and yells 'I CANT SEE ANY F****ING SHEEP. WAAF disolves in tears and testers rolling about on floor in helpless laughter
Airfield ATC Simulator excercise with a painted scene of said airfield on one wall. Student has everything under control. WAAF acting as assistant alogside. Testers decide to increase pressure on student by adding more and more urgent and increasingly serious situations interspersed with phone calls to the assistant stating Farmer Giles who owns a field outside perimeter fence needs a word. Student getting more and more harassed keeps telling the WAAF he cant take the phone as he too busy. Testers keep increasing the pressure and make one more call to WAAF - she passes message on that Farmer Giles says he must talk to SATCO as some of his sheep have got through the peri fence and are on a runway. Student now at breaking point stands up glares a painted scene and yells 'I CANT SEE ANY F****ING SHEEP. WAAF disolves in tears and testers rolling about on floor in helpless laughter
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Sometime mid 70s, on detachment in Germany, FJ eng line controller. One of the aircraft required a refuel so I said to no-one in particular, "What's the number of the refuelling flight?" (mistake of course). Quick as a flash one of my guys comes back with an extension number and I promptly dial. The phone rings for ages and I mutter that refuelling flights are all the same, supposed to be manned 24/7, never answer the phone etc. Then a ladies voice answers the phone with a (very posh) "Hello". I replied that I didn't think I had the right number, especially as I now notice that all the troops are rolling round the floor laughing. The voice continued, "This is the Station Commander's wife and I have just got out of the bath to answer the phone!". Quick thinking, I replied, "Do you know who I am?". "No", came the response. "Thank heavens for that" I replied and put the phone down. At least I had another 'volunteer' for sh!t jobs for the next few days!!
Monday 22 April 1974 - Coltishall -1st Encounter with Lightning
POST 25 Refers -ACT 2 - The Debrief
Talkdown Controller Plt Off Dave L
"Lightning Pilot" Flt Lt Dick D - Atco in disguise and the Producer of the play
DL is sat in the corner of the Approach Room trawling through the Order Book and nobody has spoken to him in the 20 min that have elapsed since the talkdown finished.
In storms "the pilot" DD in a flying suit with some maps stuffed in pockets "Where's the Supervisor - I want to see that ******* GCA controller" The Supervisor says " He's over there ... it's his first day". DD storms over to DL and gives him a severe one way interview about the shocking GCA which ruined his students sortie and which would have to be flown again! DL was left ashen faced with bottom lip beginning to wobble!
10 mins later the phone rings and the Supervisor calls DL over saying " its for you" and DL finds himself speaking to JB who says "My name's Jack B I'm the pilot you talked down and you didn't do a bad job -welcome to Colt mate - see you in the bar for a beer." DL puts down the phone and the controllers and assistants in the Approach Room collapse into laughter. Another brilliant set up from a master of set ups Dick D!
Talkdown Controller Plt Off Dave L
"Lightning Pilot" Flt Lt Dick D - Atco in disguise and the Producer of the play
DL is sat in the corner of the Approach Room trawling through the Order Book and nobody has spoken to him in the 20 min that have elapsed since the talkdown finished.
In storms "the pilot" DD in a flying suit with some maps stuffed in pockets "Where's the Supervisor - I want to see that ******* GCA controller" The Supervisor says " He's over there ... it's his first day". DD storms over to DL and gives him a severe one way interview about the shocking GCA which ruined his students sortie and which would have to be flown again! DL was left ashen faced with bottom lip beginning to wobble!
10 mins later the phone rings and the Supervisor calls DL over saying " its for you" and DL finds himself speaking to JB who says "My name's Jack B I'm the pilot you talked down and you didn't do a bad job -welcome to Colt mate - see you in the bar for a beer." DL puts down the phone and the controllers and assistants in the Approach Room collapse into laughter. Another brilliant set up from a master of set ups Dick D!
I knew DDs' name would pitch up here at some point, I just knew.
Flew him in a Frightning at Colt. DD wants gentle aero-type manoeuvres.
Had little bark in bag - felt much better.
Next day me airborne, DD on Approach. First RT response from erstwhile controller: "Carrots over Yarmouth muther?".
....and how about the Beagle Club at Colt.......??
Still, an absolute professional; if ever I met one. With a fire warning at night he answered my Mayday call with "Roger, radar listening out".
Ok, back to the funnies guys.
Flew him in a Frightning at Colt. DD wants gentle aero-type manoeuvres.
Had little bark in bag - felt much better.
Next day me airborne, DD on Approach. First RT response from erstwhile controller: "Carrots over Yarmouth muther?".
....and how about the Beagle Club at Colt.......??
Still, an absolute professional; if ever I met one. With a fire warning at night he answered my Mayday call with "Roger, radar listening out".
Ok, back to the funnies guys.
Ejector SeatTraining
If memory serves me correctly,
11th November 1973. RAF Church Fenton halfway through the Chipmunk course prior to posting to Linton.
Potential Steely eyed Jet Jockeys gathered outside for ejection seat training (think fireman’s ladder with an MB Mk4 seat strapped to the front, a ratchet on the seat to stop the seat falling back down and a ground operated cable to lower the seat). First student wants to see what the view looks like flying up the ladder and goes for the pan handle. Head back, neck straight pulls handle. There is a slight pause and then nothing. A hush descends. Keep still Sir, don’t move a muscle, it might be a dud. Eventually the cartridge is removed and everyone relaxes. Second go, another pause and the seat leaps three foot up the rails. Wind up seat, disengage the ratchet and wind down. Wait for new box of cartridges and on the third go our hero bangs to the top. Winch the seat up and a call to the student to release the ratchet. There is no answer. Student seems to be frozen. More shouting. Eventually student responds, disengages the ratchet and is wound down. What happened we ask? He replied "I thought I had blacked out. I could hear you all shouting but everything had gone grey". It seems he hadn’t set the ‘G’ lever on his shiny new bone dome and the visor slammed down.
I thought it was funny until it was my turn.
11th November 1973. RAF Church Fenton halfway through the Chipmunk course prior to posting to Linton.
Potential Steely eyed Jet Jockeys gathered outside for ejection seat training (think fireman’s ladder with an MB Mk4 seat strapped to the front, a ratchet on the seat to stop the seat falling back down and a ground operated cable to lower the seat). First student wants to see what the view looks like flying up the ladder and goes for the pan handle. Head back, neck straight pulls handle. There is a slight pause and then nothing. A hush descends. Keep still Sir, don’t move a muscle, it might be a dud. Eventually the cartridge is removed and everyone relaxes. Second go, another pause and the seat leaps three foot up the rails. Wind up seat, disengage the ratchet and wind down. Wait for new box of cartridges and on the third go our hero bangs to the top. Winch the seat up and a call to the student to release the ratchet. There is no answer. Student seems to be frozen. More shouting. Eventually student responds, disengages the ratchet and is wound down. What happened we ask? He replied "I thought I had blacked out. I could hear you all shouting but everything had gone grey". It seems he hadn’t set the ‘G’ lever on his shiny new bone dome and the visor slammed down.
I thought it was funny until it was my turn.
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Late 70's, young Lovechild is in basic training at Swinderby and has been dicked for escort duties on a mate's charge. Standing at ease in the corridoor outside the offices, an hossifer approaches with an overflowing boxfile and more loose paperwork on top. Lovechild snaps smartly to attention...
Well, not quite smartly enough. I had failed to notice that one foot was on the end of a carpet and the other was on the lino. As my feet came together, the carpet got caught and raised up between my shoes.
The Officer tripped, flat on his face, boxfile and papers up in the air.
Thinks 'Bugger me, I've only been in the Air Force a week and I'm in the **** already'
By the time he had regained his composure, and gathered his paperwork, I had managed to straighten the carpet back down to its original position.
I don't think he sensed the terror in my eyes, or the subsequent relief, when he said :
'Oops, silly me'
(Over 30 years ago and my Dad still makes me re-enact this one for his friends)
Well, not quite smartly enough. I had failed to notice that one foot was on the end of a carpet and the other was on the lino. As my feet came together, the carpet got caught and raised up between my shoes.
The Officer tripped, flat on his face, boxfile and papers up in the air.
Thinks 'Bugger me, I've only been in the Air Force a week and I'm in the **** already'
By the time he had regained his composure, and gathered his paperwork, I had managed to straighten the carpet back down to its original position.
I don't think he sensed the terror in my eyes, or the subsequent relief, when he said :
'Oops, silly me'
(Over 30 years ago and my Dad still makes me re-enact this one for his friends)
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There have been a few like this, this one I actually witnessed ........
Airman stepping out of the mess bereft of headdress. A young shiny acting Cpl policeman about to enter the mess takes it upon himself to take the offender, a rather large old FLM, to task over his attire.
“SAC, Where’s your beret”
”In my pocket”, came the reply, said without even looking up or slowing down.
But the best bit was the young policeman who didn’t know what to do as about 20 junior ranks are now wetting themselves at his expense, he turned round wandered off and wasn’t seen in the mess for weeks.
Airman stepping out of the mess bereft of headdress. A young shiny acting Cpl policeman about to enter the mess takes it upon himself to take the offender, a rather large old FLM, to task over his attire.
“SAC, Where’s your beret”
”In my pocket”, came the reply, said without even looking up or slowing down.
But the best bit was the young policeman who didn’t know what to do as about 20 junior ranks are now wetting themselves at his expense, he turned round wandered off and wasn’t seen in the mess for weeks.
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See item 1 in post #1. When I was posted in to said station (near golf course etc) I was a newly promoted Flying Officer having spent 3 years as a Pilot Officer.
We used to record our arrival on RAF stations by walking all over the base with an increasingly dog-eared piece of blue card called an arrival chit, which had to be signed by about 20 people in positions of more or less power over you.
One of the more powerful was the Mechanical Transport Officer (MTO). I arrived at his office with blue card, but not knowing that MTO was on leave and MT Warrant Officer was covering for him.
Knock, knock....."come in". Fg Off SOSL opens door and steps in, right foot connects with wooden batten nailed to the floor to stop the MTO's carpet from curling up any more. Fg Off SOSL falls to his knees and utters an expletive. MT Warrant Officer looks up from his paperwork and sees in front of him a Fg Off on his knees holding up his arrival chit. Warrant Officer opines "D'you know, Sir, I think you and I are going to get on".
Happy days - keep 'em coming guys and gals. We haven't had any gals contribute yet.... or have we?
We used to record our arrival on RAF stations by walking all over the base with an increasingly dog-eared piece of blue card called an arrival chit, which had to be signed by about 20 people in positions of more or less power over you.
One of the more powerful was the Mechanical Transport Officer (MTO). I arrived at his office with blue card, but not knowing that MTO was on leave and MT Warrant Officer was covering for him.
Knock, knock....."come in". Fg Off SOSL opens door and steps in, right foot connects with wooden batten nailed to the floor to stop the MTO's carpet from curling up any more. Fg Off SOSL falls to his knees and utters an expletive. MT Warrant Officer looks up from his paperwork and sees in front of him a Fg Off on his knees holding up his arrival chit. Warrant Officer opines "D'you know, Sir, I think you and I are going to get on".
Happy days - keep 'em coming guys and gals. We haven't had any gals contribute yet.... or have we?
Last edited by SOSL; 1st May 2010 at 10:36. Reason: To correct service record
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Kinloss, late '80s.
My first love, the Nimrod, had those intercom/radio tx paddle switches. By flicking it across quickly, one could turn a radio transmission into merely an intercom one in mid-flow, without this being obvious to the rest of crew.
One dark and dirty night, a crew was coming home on a PAR at about 0200. The lead Nav was a guest, and happened to be the Sqn Nav Leader. His wife was an ATCO at Kinloss.
Female PAR Controller: "4nm - check gear"
Flt Lt pilot: "C/S three greens...(flicks paddle switch to intercom)...and any chance of a blowj*b?"
Growl from the back: "Flt Lt ****, my wife does not give blowj*bs"
Flt Lt pilot: "Bad luck, sir!"
Well, that's how I remember it...
My first love, the Nimrod, had those intercom/radio tx paddle switches. By flicking it across quickly, one could turn a radio transmission into merely an intercom one in mid-flow, without this being obvious to the rest of crew.
One dark and dirty night, a crew was coming home on a PAR at about 0200. The lead Nav was a guest, and happened to be the Sqn Nav Leader. His wife was an ATCO at Kinloss.
Female PAR Controller: "4nm - check gear"
Flt Lt pilot: "C/S three greens...(flicks paddle switch to intercom)...and any chance of a blowj*b?"
Growl from the back: "Flt Lt ****, my wife does not give blowj*bs"
Flt Lt pilot: "Bad luck, sir!"
Well, that's how I remember it...
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RAFC circa long ago, junior mess parade ground, wind coming from the Urals, Sgt A....o " did you shave this morning sir", " yes sergeant" did you use a mirror" "yes sergeant" "next time use a f.....g razor" !!
Goose Bay 1974.
An ageing Cpl. Steward turns up to work in the officers mess. No SNCO steward being on base, I was given the dubious honour of showing him around. A day later I ushered him into the bosses office for his welcome aboard chat. " Sit down" says the boss," I've been looking at your file, and you are just the man we are looking for, I need someone to look after the RAF water polo team during Winter Carnival and I see that before you joined the RAF, you were in the Navy" " Sorry Sir, but I can't swim" says the steward. "What !!, 11 years in the Navy and you can't swim" says the boss. "Yes sir, and it gets worse, I've been in the RAF for the past 6 years and I can't f***ing fly either"
An ageing Cpl. Steward turns up to work in the officers mess. No SNCO steward being on base, I was given the dubious honour of showing him around. A day later I ushered him into the bosses office for his welcome aboard chat. " Sit down" says the boss," I've been looking at your file, and you are just the man we are looking for, I need someone to look after the RAF water polo team during Winter Carnival and I see that before you joined the RAF, you were in the Navy" " Sorry Sir, but I can't swim" says the steward. "What !!, 11 years in the Navy and you can't swim" says the boss. "Yes sir, and it gets worse, I've been in the RAF for the past 6 years and I can't f***ing fly either"
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SOSL - that tale will be impossible to beat! I roared with laughter, fortunately my drink was not in my hand at the time.
The scene: RAAF Butterworth, Friday 1800, darkish, just landed having taken AOC on a ten hour patrol in a P3 Orion. Crew go to the 'Scruffs Bar' ie on the lawn outside the Mess. Captain Neppie and Tacco called to Ops. Russian Submarine and Destroyer escort in Malacca Straits, so we are tasked to relocate on Saturday morning. Neppie suggests that AOC (ex Knuck) might prefer to see the Reds than his planned inspection of a Barrack Block. PA calls AOC and all is agreed. Neppie and Tacco join crew under a tree behind the Mess, (dark, remember) beers in hand, and Neppie announces to the rest of the crew that tomorrow, we shall have on board the RAAF's highest paid co-pilot. From the shadows under the trees, steps forward said AOC, who graciously said;
"Thanks Neppie, just get me back to the golf course by noon!"
The scene: RAAF Butterworth, Friday 1800, darkish, just landed having taken AOC on a ten hour patrol in a P3 Orion. Crew go to the 'Scruffs Bar' ie on the lawn outside the Mess. Captain Neppie and Tacco called to Ops. Russian Submarine and Destroyer escort in Malacca Straits, so we are tasked to relocate on Saturday morning. Neppie suggests that AOC (ex Knuck) might prefer to see the Reds than his planned inspection of a Barrack Block. PA calls AOC and all is agreed. Neppie and Tacco join crew under a tree behind the Mess, (dark, remember) beers in hand, and Neppie announces to the rest of the crew that tomorrow, we shall have on board the RAAF's highest paid co-pilot. From the shadows under the trees, steps forward said AOC, who graciously said;
"Thanks Neppie, just get me back to the golf course by noon!"
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Two Scaleybrat/NAAFI stories, the second one has 'connotations' but occurred with childhood innocence.
Wyton in the early eighties
My mate's missus in the queue at the Families NAAFI with sprog. Checkout lady exchanging pleasantries with the customer, when the toddler leans forward and says -
'I've got a secret'
'Have you?' says the checkout lady 'But a secret shared, is a secret halved'
'But I've got a secret'
'If you tell me, it won't be a secret anymore, will it?'
Toddler ponders for a moment
'I went downstairs last night and saw Mummy kissing Daddy's willy'
Wyton in the early eighties
My mate's missus in the queue at the Families NAAFI with sprog. Checkout lady exchanging pleasantries with the customer, when the toddler leans forward and says -
'I've got a secret'
'Have you?' says the checkout lady 'But a secret shared, is a secret halved'
'But I've got a secret'
'If you tell me, it won't be a secret anymore, will it?'
Toddler ponders for a moment
'I went downstairs last night and saw Mummy kissing Daddy's willy'
-----------------------------
(Second story deleted by Mods)
Last edited by SirPeterHardingsLovechild; 1st May 2010 at 08:45.
Many years ago at a former strike base near Bury St Edmunds Joe SWO shouts at airman walking on the grass 'Airman only 2 things walk on the grass at this station.
Birds and God !
And God has to ask MY PERMISSION !!'
Birds and God !
And God has to ask MY PERMISSION !!'
Tacevals
1. UK Taceval in final nuclear phase. It's a hot day, and sitting in our "NBC shelter" (a barrack block with CPX sandbag labels on the windows) after a long period of NBC black, the sweat starts to pool in the S6 respirators. Having seen no distaff for a long time, we decide to relax the dress regulations, but with 1 man delegated to keep an eye out for anyone important approaching the door. Cleverly recognising a potentially career-altering individual approaching in full NBC kit, our lookout donned respirator in the required time scale, exhaling sharply and shouting "Boss, boss, boss!"
2. RAFG Taceval where OC flying in the field is required to carry a Storno in case of no-duff incident, and so that he can be recognised in NBC kit. Realising battery is flat during particularly hectic phase, said officer goes to Eng Ops and asks "Chief, charge this battery for me, please." CT places battery on desk, wags finger at it, and says loudly "Battery, you're on a fizzer."
2. RAFG Taceval where OC flying in the field is required to carry a Storno in case of no-duff incident, and so that he can be recognised in NBC kit. Realising battery is flat during particularly hectic phase, said officer goes to Eng Ops and asks "Chief, charge this battery for me, please." CT places battery on desk, wags finger at it, and says loudly "Battery, you're on a fizzer."