Favourite Military Banter/Phrases
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Finger Trouble
Back in the early 80s a Brit exchange pilot transitting to Tasmania from the mainland and leading a formation of helicopters calls and provides inbound information to Launceston Tower. A response was received from a female ATCO with one of those voices that becomes the subject of many pleasant fantasies.
Thinking he had switched to the internal formation frequency, said something along the lines of:
"2 this is 1, she sounds absolutely delightful."
This was immediately followed by said female voice saying:
"Why thank you Army 123, that is the best compliment I have had all day."
Thinking he had switched to the internal formation frequency, said something along the lines of:
"2 this is 1, she sounds absolutely delightful."
This was immediately followed by said female voice saying:
"Why thank you Army 123, that is the best compliment I have had all day."
Short Blunt Shock
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Rare Autumn sunny day at Topcliffe - QFI in ops room to stude hanging around looking bored -
QFI: "Have you got any solos to do, Bloggs?"
Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)
QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"
--------------------------------------------------
An old chestnut, but worth a mention..........
UTDxyz: "LON Ctl, United xyz FL320"
LON: "United xyz, descend 5000ft, QNH1012"
UTDxyz (obviously can't be @rsed with the conversion...) "Roger,.....can we have that in inches?"
LON: "Standby........."
Pause...........
LON: "United xyz, descend 60,000 inches, QNH1012"
Details are probably all wrong, but a classic nonetheless!
QFI: "Have you got any solos to do, Bloggs?"
Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)
QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"
--------------------------------------------------
An old chestnut, but worth a mention..........
UTDxyz: "LON Ctl, United xyz FL320"
LON: "United xyz, descend 5000ft, QNH1012"
UTDxyz (obviously can't be @rsed with the conversion...) "Roger,.....can we have that in inches?"
LON: "Standby........."
Pause...........
LON: "United xyz, descend 60,000 inches, QNH1012"
Details are probably all wrong, but a classic nonetheless!
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Switch Pigs
4 ship of Puma's on a transit to/from an AMF det. Coasting into Denmark I think ? Very nice sounding female ATC. One of the Navs thinks he's on the formation FM chat..........."I love the smell of pussy in the morning". No reply from ATC but one heap of **** from the rest of the formation.
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In the mid 80s, flying a Dominie out of Finningley. Me as pilot, 2 Nav Instructors and 2 Nav students. For take off, one Nav instructor sits in F/Os seat, remainder of crew down back and all internal comms on intercom.
Departing Finningley and talking to Radar prior to handover to Midland radar and the female radar controller who has just been posted in sounds absolutely stunning.
Me on intercom to rest of crew " Cor she sounds all right I could really f"2$ the a$5# off her."
Stunned silence inside the Dominie before nav instructor down the back comes on intercom and says (quite truthfully)
"Yes, I frequently do. Thats my wife you are talking to!"
Nige and Rita, Where are you now?
Departing Finningley and talking to Radar prior to handover to Midland radar and the female radar controller who has just been posted in sounds absolutely stunning.
Me on intercom to rest of crew " Cor she sounds all right I could really f"2$ the a$5# off her."
Stunned silence inside the Dominie before nav instructor down the back comes on intercom and says (quite truthfully)
"Yes, I frequently do. Thats my wife you are talking to!"
Nige and Rita, Where are you now?
Red On, Green On
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Rare Autumn sunny day at Topcliffe - QFI in ops room to stude hanging around looking bored - QFI: "Have you got any solos to do, Bloggs?"
Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)
QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"
Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)
QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"
Last edited by airborne_artist; 12th Dec 2004 at 15:03.
BANANASBANANAS - that's as good as the comment made by a certain now very senior navigator who often posts here...
"Neatishead, Neatishead, this is NNNNNN Charlie 44 zero 4 Tiger Fast plus 60" quoth the Nav.
"Roger NNNNNN, climb blah, vector blah" from yummy-sounding FC-babe.
"Roger, Neat, climbing blah and vector blah"
Pompous pilot in front seat, "Now look, **, shouldn't you authenticate her?"
Quick as a flash from the back: "Authenticate her? Don't need to - I've $hagged her!"
"Neatishead, Neatishead, this is NNNNNN Charlie 44 zero 4 Tiger Fast plus 60" quoth the Nav.
"Roger NNNNNN, climb blah, vector blah" from yummy-sounding FC-babe.
"Roger, Neat, climbing blah and vector blah"
Pompous pilot in front seat, "Now look, **, shouldn't you authenticate her?"
Quick as a flash from the back: "Authenticate her? Don't need to - I've $hagged her!"
Point 1 - Well, some sounded yummy and one or two certainly were!
Point 2 - You're probably right! Whereas a Frightening was probably only ever Tigerfast plus 60 seconds straight off the tanker!
Point 2 - You're probably right! Whereas a Frightening was probably only ever Tigerfast plus 60 seconds straight off the tanker!
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Sounds familiar ...
I am enjoying this topic very much. Does anyone think it is a great companion to "I wish I hadn't said that ..."?
Great site for amusement and banter. Herrumph.
PS: Why is there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission?
Great site for amusement and banter. Herrumph.
PS: Why is there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission?
Short Blunt Shock
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A Secret wiltshire airbase, mid-nineties. In the bar, the usual hgih-spirited happy-hour banter ensues. The (very tall & slim) Stn Cdr is concerned he is being ignored by the jovial crowd, and enters one conversational group whose number includes a certain co-pilot with a porn-star name (initials B....D.... - you know who!) who's diplomacy skills are legendary.
Stn Cdr: "Come on boys, you can include me in the banter, you know!"
B.....D....: "Which lanky streak of pi$$ said that?"
Hat, Axminster, etc.......
Stn Cdr: "Come on boys, you can include me in the banter, you know!"
B.....D....: "Which lanky streak of pi$$ said that?"
Hat, Axminster, etc.......
Red On, Green On
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Scene: Regimental cross country race at a unit best known for large quantities of droopy moustaches.
New Rupert to grizzled but very fit racing snake SNCO. "Where did you come in the race?"
- "I don't run Sir - I stand and fight"
New Rupert to grizzled but very fit racing snake SNCO. "Where did you come in the race?"
- "I don't run Sir - I stand and fight"
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Yes I'm Back!!!
Just had a young lad leave our place who's wit has become the stuff of Urban Myths.
1) Having issued forth a sentence, the contents of which were 10% English, 90% Swearing, he was asked if he had Terrets (spelt right....I think).
The answer came back, "What the F**k is Terrets"!!
2) Walking around the large Heliport in the Emerald toilet said person was challenged by Snowdrop as to where his Beret was.
His reply was, "In my pocket".
He was then asked, why it was not on his head.
"Because (you know what's coming!) my head won't fit in my pocket"!!!!
Just had a young lad leave our place who's wit has become the stuff of Urban Myths.
1) Having issued forth a sentence, the contents of which were 10% English, 90% Swearing, he was asked if he had Terrets (spelt right....I think).
The answer came back, "What the F**k is Terrets"!!
2) Walking around the large Heliport in the Emerald toilet said person was challenged by Snowdrop as to where his Beret was.
His reply was, "In my pocket".
He was then asked, why it was not on his head.
"Because (you know what's coming!) my head won't fit in my pocket"!!!!
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Had a great couple of weeks jockeying with a det a RM Young Officers whilst heading up to Newcastle for Ark Royals decomissioning in 94.
Started with the usual alterations of rank sleeves ann turning upside down of beret badges, escalated slightly when they executed the exploding Met Baloon in cabin trick and ended, so I thought, as I superglued every piece of thier footwear to the bulkhead, sorry ceiling.
We then had a great few days in Newcastle and the YO's left to return to Lympstone, me congratulating myself on keeping up the standards of the Senior Service blah, blah, blah.
2 days later we came to disembark, briefed kitted up etc and collected helmets from SE room en-route the Flight deck, as I opened my locker I just knew I'd been trumped, the b*st*rds had left the contents of a couple of tins of tuna in my helmet, sadly the only one I had on board, so a long range Navex to the most westerly NAS was carried out to the very fragrant aroma of fish!!
GITS!!
Started with the usual alterations of rank sleeves ann turning upside down of beret badges, escalated slightly when they executed the exploding Met Baloon in cabin trick and ended, so I thought, as I superglued every piece of thier footwear to the bulkhead, sorry ceiling.
We then had a great few days in Newcastle and the YO's left to return to Lympstone, me congratulating myself on keeping up the standards of the Senior Service blah, blah, blah.
2 days later we came to disembark, briefed kitted up etc and collected helmets from SE room en-route the Flight deck, as I opened my locker I just knew I'd been trumped, the b*st*rds had left the contents of a couple of tins of tuna in my helmet, sadly the only one I had on board, so a long range Navex to the most westerly NAS was carried out to the very fragrant aroma of fish!!
GITS!!
Scene: British Engineer on top of an Alouette III, re-torquing the head....Iranian summer....hot as blazes...sweat pouring from all pores...veins standing out in his neck....
Along walks his American pilot...cold beer in hand....glances up...takes in the situation....states "Hey Eric, give it a good yank!"
Immediate response...."Didn't know there was such a thing!"
Along walks his American pilot...cold beer in hand....glances up...takes in the situation....states "Hey Eric, give it a good yank!"
Immediate response...."Didn't know there was such a thing!"
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Then there's the tale of the AAC airtrooper somewhere in Germany. Regiment being visited by some AAC bigwig who was inspecting the Quarter Guard pausing occasionally to ask the "Boots happy? Wife fits?" questions. Stops in front of said Airtrooper and asks "Do you know the Army Air Corps regimental Quick March?". "Well, Sir", he replies, "I don't know the tune but I know the words". Looks of bewilderment from bigwig and entourage. "All right, then" says bigwig, "Let's hear it".
"Left, right, left, right"
"Left, right, left, right"
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Two undergrads in their first year at Cambridge, punting a careful zig-zag course down the Cam, when this American leans over a bridge and yells (insert Texan drawl)
"Hey, steer between the banks!"
If you're going to give advice, it may as well be good. My brother's roomy comes straight back with:
"F**k-off, don't get involved in a land war in south east Asia"
On another occasion, the College porter is standing in the arch at the College entrance when an American lady exclaims:
"Excuse me, is this building pre-war?"
"Madam", he replies, "This building is pre-America"
"Hey, steer between the banks!"
If you're going to give advice, it may as well be good. My brother's roomy comes straight back with:
"F**k-off, don't get involved in a land war in south east Asia"
On another occasion, the College porter is standing in the arch at the College entrance when an American lady exclaims:
"Excuse me, is this building pre-war?"
"Madam", he replies, "This building is pre-America"
Fucum Lesgo
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Found this on a humour site,
it may interest you military boys
Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form
Thank you for purchasing the Defender F-12 military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Personal Information
[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss
[_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name:..............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:...............................................
Password: ............................... (max 8 char)
Code Name:...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude-Attitude:....... ........ ......... ........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......
4. Serial Number:...............................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the Defender F-12 product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Defender F-12 product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] Defender F-12 reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Back room politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your Defender F-12 product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation...
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Defender F-12 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
DEFENDER F-12 CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
it may interest you military boys
Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form
Thank you for purchasing the Defender F-12 military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Personal Information
[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss
[_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name:..............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:...............................................
Password: ............................... (max 8 char)
Code Name:...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude-Attitude:....... ........ ......... ........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......
4. Serial Number:...............................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the Defender F-12 product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Defender F-12 product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] Defender F-12 reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Back room politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your Defender F-12 product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation...
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Defender F-12 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
DEFENDER F-12 CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
(a bear of little brain)
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Usually followed by the disclaimer...............
IMPORTANT NOTE:
This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential,
privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this e-mail, although the Kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that alert notice from Microsoft.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and
your computer, you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.
--McDonnell Douglas
IMPORTANT NOTE:
This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential,
privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this e-mail, although the Kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that alert notice from Microsoft.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and
your computer, you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.
--McDonnell Douglas
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To get back to a banter theme:
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his (single-engined) jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down.
"Ah,..." the fighter pilot remarked, "...the dreaded seven-engine approach."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his (single-engined) jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down.
"Ah,..." the fighter pilot remarked, "...the dreaded seven-engine approach."