Favourite Military Banter/Phrases
Wash hands in basin?
You wouldn't wash them in a urinal would you?
No, not in the dark blue thank you, PN, and in any case the word I modified in Post #2 was "sinks"!
Jack
You wouldn't wash them in a urinal would you?
No, not in the dark blue thank you, PN, and in any case the word I modified in Post #2 was "sinks"!
Jack
At a dining out of a young but popular Engineer Officer some years ago. The Squadron Warrant Officer gave a eulogy. Part of it went;
"Officers are like lighthouses in the desert, bright, but f@ck all use to anybody !"
That should get a few chuckling and certainly could apply to all services.
Smudge
"Officers are like lighthouses in the desert, bright, but f@ck all use to anybody !"
That should get a few chuckling and certainly could apply to all services.
Smudge
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Varying definitions of "securing" a building/house:
RN: lock all doors, close all windows. Check security at regular intervals. Mount a guard on it
Army: immediate assault using all necessary means/force. Prepare to hold it at all costs.
RAF: put a deposit on it...
RN: lock all doors, close all windows. Check security at regular intervals. Mount a guard on it
Army: immediate assault using all necessary means/force. Prepare to hold it at all costs.
RAF: put a deposit on it...
Army pilot walking on the beach and spots trinket. Picks up trinket and give it a buff and there is a puff of a smoke and the genie of the trinket appears with the words, "I am the genie of the trinket and I will offer you three wishes.....but be warned, whomsoever you hate the most will get two of what you wish for. Who would that person be?"
"Easy, RAF pilots, I'll have £1,000,000 please."
Genie, "Certainly, but all the RAF pilots you know will get £2,000,000. What do you want next?"
Army pilot, "A 1961 Ferrari California GT please."
Genie, "Yep, but again, all the RAF pilots you know will get two of these magnificent cars. What about your final wish?"
Army pilot, "Tricky.......uhmm.....tell you what, I've always fancied donating a testicle!".
Can be adjusted to suit audience.
"Easy, RAF pilots, I'll have £1,000,000 please."
Genie, "Certainly, but all the RAF pilots you know will get £2,000,000. What do you want next?"
Army pilot, "A 1961 Ferrari California GT please."
Genie, "Yep, but again, all the RAF pilots you know will get two of these magnificent cars. What about your final wish?"
Army pilot, "Tricky.......uhmm.....tell you what, I've always fancied donating a testicle!".
Can be adjusted to suit audience.
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
At ISK they always changed the mattresses after a dark blue visit.
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Quote:
To which she responded "What did you say?"
His reply? "OI SAID WITH AN ARSE LOIKE THAT, YOU MUST PACK A MEAN FART!!"
In a one to one situation "fart and gimme a clue" come to mind.
To which she responded "What did you say?"
His reply? "OI SAID WITH AN ARSE LOIKE THAT, YOU MUST PACK A MEAN FART!!"
In a one to one situation "fart and gimme a clue" come to mind.
Preparing for incoming....
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Pilot at Odiham spending hours doing a pre flight inspection on a Puma fresh off a major prior taking it on an air test and taking an age doing it on a freezing cold morning.
As he was peering up into the sponson of the main gear, see off engineer wanders up and says
"Excuse me Sir, but are you flying it or buying it?"
..
As he was peering up into the sponson of the main gear, see off engineer wanders up and says
"Excuse me Sir, but are you flying it or buying it?"
..
Last edited by NutLoose; 14th Nov 2016 at 12:33.
Gentleman Aviator
Reminds me of one air test on 72 at Odiham.
Twas a Friday, midday-ish and an early stack had been decreed, cos there was a crew room barrel for some reason.
The airtest was originally programmed for 0900, but slipped and slipped and slipped. Boss (and the ginger beers) were intent that it would happen, despite the severe risk of missing free beer!
Eventually came up about 1300, crewman (H***** J**** IIRC) and self go out for meticulous walk round, convinced we could find some reason for not flying....
No joy
Started up, lifted to the hover ..... "THR S" caption to our rescue (Std fuel computer u/s), gingerly land on, walk back in beer-wards.
Confused look from crewman:
"How did you do that then??"
Found it in the logbook! 29th March 1973; logged as 5 minutes, which was probably 4 mins 30 seconds too long ......
Have just worked out that 29th March was a Thursday?? Maybe a long weekend, or Easter or something. Not that a lunchtime stack-for-beer was unknown on any day of the week in them days.
Twas a Friday, midday-ish and an early stack had been decreed, cos there was a crew room barrel for some reason.
The airtest was originally programmed for 0900, but slipped and slipped and slipped. Boss (and the ginger beers) were intent that it would happen, despite the severe risk of missing free beer!
Eventually came up about 1300, crewman (H***** J**** IIRC) and self go out for meticulous walk round, convinced we could find some reason for not flying....
No joy
Started up, lifted to the hover ..... "THR S" caption to our rescue (Std fuel computer u/s), gingerly land on, walk back in beer-wards.
Confused look from crewman:
"How did you do that then??"
Found it in the logbook! 29th March 1973; logged as 5 minutes, which was probably 4 mins 30 seconds too long ......
Have just worked out that 29th March was a Thursday?? Maybe a long weekend, or Easter or something. Not that a lunchtime stack-for-beer was unknown on any day of the week in them days.
RAF Buchan Crewroom mid 80s. No flying so we were watching Lady's Day at Ascot on the tele in the crewroom.
In walks Sqn Boss: 'Ah, Ascot, my wife's there today, anyone seen her'?
Young Plt Off 'Don't know Sir, what's the Jockey's name'?
In walks Sqn Boss: 'Ah, Ascot, my wife's there today, anyone seen her'?
Young Plt Off 'Don't know Sir, what's the Jockey's name'?
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In 1964 the Tripartite Kestrel Evaluation Squadron, or TES, was formed in the UK by the governments of the United States, West Germany, and Britain. The purpose of the TES was to perform operational trials with the Hawker P.1127 Kestrel.
Each nation provided personnel and pilots for the TES and West Germany was represented by Colonel Gerhard Barkhorn, who was the second-highest scoring ace in the Luftwaffe during World War 2 with 301 victories. The Germans participated in the TES to forward their own knowledge base with their own V/STOL project, the VAK.191. On one test flight, Barkhorn cut the throttle too early while in vertical landing mode and the Kestrel dropped quickly and destroyed the undercarriage. As Col. Barkhorn walked away from the crash-landing, he kicked the aircraft out of frustration and declared that the wrecked Kestrel was the "302nd Allied aircraft" he had destroyed.
Source: BAe/McDonnell Douglas Harrier by Andy Evans. The Crowood Press Ltd, 1998 (Crowood Aviation Series), p11-13.
Each nation provided personnel and pilots for the TES and West Germany was represented by Colonel Gerhard Barkhorn, who was the second-highest scoring ace in the Luftwaffe during World War 2 with 301 victories. The Germans participated in the TES to forward their own knowledge base with their own V/STOL project, the VAK.191. On one test flight, Barkhorn cut the throttle too early while in vertical landing mode and the Kestrel dropped quickly and destroyed the undercarriage. As Col. Barkhorn walked away from the crash-landing, he kicked the aircraft out of frustration and declared that the wrecked Kestrel was the "302nd Allied aircraft" he had destroyed.
Source: BAe/McDonnell Douglas Harrier by Andy Evans. The Crowood Press Ltd, 1998 (Crowood Aviation Series), p11-13.
Avoiding so many of the long standing dark humour Brit/German exchanges : e.g. " Remember ,next time its your turn to have the Italians"
Some "actuals" come to mind:
"Sir, So were you actually shot down when flying in the Luftwaffe?"
'"Oh yes, three times; Once by the enemy"
"So your father was one of the last to be flown out of Stalingrad then?"
" Did he claim his Air Miles? "
And from a Dane who had ,shall we say , certain right wing leanings, upon being criticized:
" I'll have you know that I had an uncle who died in a Nazi concentration camp "
"He got p*ssed and fell out of a guard tower"
Some "actuals" come to mind:
"Sir, So were you actually shot down when flying in the Luftwaffe?"
'"Oh yes, three times; Once by the enemy"
"So your father was one of the last to be flown out of Stalingrad then?"
" Did he claim his Air Miles? "
And from a Dane who had ,shall we say , certain right wing leanings, upon being criticized:
" I'll have you know that I had an uncle who died in a Nazi concentration camp "
"He got p*ssed and fell out of a guard tower"
German exchange officers were always pre-warned about Brit banter - which was never really a problem...
On a Tornado squadron, it was the usual Friday shareholders' yawn, yawn, nag, nag session, then at 'any questions' time, the new Luftwaffe exchange mate stood up and in best Harry Enfield Jurgen-the-German accent, announced "I vish to apologise for the conduct of my country during ze war!"...which brightened things up rather!
At Cranwell, the German exchange QFI on 2 Sqn was always trying to improve his English. He was also a keen rough shooter and after a day of killing little fluffy things, asked what the correct English word was for a small hare. Unfortunately he asked Ben Benbow, who maritime Shacklebomber mates might remember. Thus at the Commandant's drinks gathering one Sunday morning, he stunned Mrs Commandant by telling her "Ve are haffing ein good shoot on the airfield yesterday - I myself am getting 2 big hares und several pubics..."
A German exchange pilot at Brawdy was 'teaching' ACM 1v1 to an ex-Gnat creamie - each time they turned inbound, he found himself losing against the Gnat mate. Who just said "Bit like the war this, eh Reine?"....
At Wattisham, our 2 Luftwaffe mates managed to burn a hole in the awful piece of tat which passed for the OM bar carpet and were told by OC Bogs and Drains that they would have to replace it. But they demanded to keep the burned bit; when asked why, it seems that they'd intended to get it framed with a little plaque stating "Result of the Luftwaffe raid on RAF Wattisham - 40 years too late!". But I don't know whether they ever did.
No doubt the fun police and EO luvvies wouldn't allow such banter these days though...
On a Tornado squadron, it was the usual Friday shareholders' yawn, yawn, nag, nag session, then at 'any questions' time, the new Luftwaffe exchange mate stood up and in best Harry Enfield Jurgen-the-German accent, announced "I vish to apologise for the conduct of my country during ze war!"...which brightened things up rather!
At Cranwell, the German exchange QFI on 2 Sqn was always trying to improve his English. He was also a keen rough shooter and after a day of killing little fluffy things, asked what the correct English word was for a small hare. Unfortunately he asked Ben Benbow, who maritime Shacklebomber mates might remember. Thus at the Commandant's drinks gathering one Sunday morning, he stunned Mrs Commandant by telling her "Ve are haffing ein good shoot on the airfield yesterday - I myself am getting 2 big hares und several pubics..."
A German exchange pilot at Brawdy was 'teaching' ACM 1v1 to an ex-Gnat creamie - each time they turned inbound, he found himself losing against the Gnat mate. Who just said "Bit like the war this, eh Reine?"....
At Wattisham, our 2 Luftwaffe mates managed to burn a hole in the awful piece of tat which passed for the OM bar carpet and were told by OC Bogs and Drains that they would have to replace it. But they demanded to keep the burned bit; when asked why, it seems that they'd intended to get it framed with a little plaque stating "Result of the Luftwaffe raid on RAF Wattisham - 40 years too late!". But I don't know whether they ever did.
No doubt the fun police and EO luvvies wouldn't allow such banter these days though...