Favourite Military Banter/Phrases
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There was a star of an officer (God Rest) who released a signal telling the entire signal-receiving world that the RAF was forming a Surf Club. Some people were not amused or interested.
Whilst serving as a Commo officer in the RNoN, we had a young signaller who mistakenly wrote (with correct routing) the invite for a cocktail party at our unit, addressed to all participants, including:
"HRH The DUCK of York" ,Our CO was not amused of having to apologize...
"HRH The DUCK of York" ,Our CO was not amused of having to apologize...
This quality piece of ‘sledging’ occurred during a test match some years ago. Though I cannot remember the players involved I believe it went something like this…
After yet another delivery the fast bowler says to the batsmen ‘How did you manage to get so damn fat?’
Without delay for thought the batsmen replied ‘Because every time I F@*k your missus she gives we biscuits and milk!’
One bowler put firmly back in his box!
After yet another delivery the fast bowler says to the batsmen ‘How did you manage to get so damn fat?’
Without delay for thought the batsmen replied ‘Because every time I F@*k your missus she gives we biscuits and milk!’
One bowler put firmly back in his box!
Join Date: May 2002
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More Churchill:
WSC at a reception in Canada was seated next to a fire breathing Methodist minister.
Pretty waitress approached with a tray of drinks and Churchill accepted. She turned to offer the minister a drink who declared "I would rather commit adultery than have alcohol pass my lips"
From WSC came " Come back young lady, I didn't realise we had a choice"
And
In a Commons debate during a particularly tedious speech from a member of the opposition Churchill appeared to nod off. His opponent asked Must you fall asleep when I'm speaking?"
The reply: "No, it's purely optional"
And a good way to impress the boss from UAS days:
Boss very underwhelmed at numbers signed up for enforced 'fun' games night starts questioning people about their excuses:
"XXX, why aren't you going?"
"Because I don't like them Sir"
Boss very unimpressed. "Oh really?"
"Yes Sir, I really don't like them"
CS
WSC at a reception in Canada was seated next to a fire breathing Methodist minister.
Pretty waitress approached with a tray of drinks and Churchill accepted. She turned to offer the minister a drink who declared "I would rather commit adultery than have alcohol pass my lips"
From WSC came " Come back young lady, I didn't realise we had a choice"
And
In a Commons debate during a particularly tedious speech from a member of the opposition Churchill appeared to nod off. His opponent asked Must you fall asleep when I'm speaking?"
The reply: "No, it's purely optional"
And a good way to impress the boss from UAS days:
Boss very underwhelmed at numbers signed up for enforced 'fun' games night starts questioning people about their excuses:
"XXX, why aren't you going?"
"Because I don't like them Sir"
Boss very unimpressed. "Oh really?"
"Yes Sir, I really don't like them"
CS
At Heaven-in-Devon, met brief was always entertaining.
The S Nav O was told off for using his finger to point out various things on his OHP slides. So he made a pointer. Next day, on with the slides and then the pointer. The whole place fell about - because the pointer was a broad, arrow shaped device with a slightly rounded end. It looked just as if he'd slapped his tadger onto the OHP! Stn Cdr thought he was taking the pi$$ and went puce!
Stn Cdr was always asking questions at the student recce briefs. Those tedious things about Russian tanks with slack tracks, curved handrails etc. One of his favourites was "How can you tell it from one of ours?"... One day the late 'Shlib' Wxly came up with the closing line "And for those who want to know the difference between one of ours and one of theirs, theirs'll be heading west and ours will be heading east!"
Another mate opened with "The release range of the xxxx is 1667 yards. The T-whatever tank is nn feet long. At 1667 yards that's (some very small value) mills. Here is the sight picture of the T-whatever at 1667 yards...."
It was about the size of a piece of fly sh*t. But he went on: "You will note the curved handrails on the turrret, the overlapping GT wheels, the fume extractor at the end of the barrel, the slack tracks....." Again, the whole place fell about - except fot the Stn Cdr whose neck went deep purple.
Sometime afterwards a message came down from on high requiring the recce briefs to be taken more seriously!
The S Nav O was told off for using his finger to point out various things on his OHP slides. So he made a pointer. Next day, on with the slides and then the pointer. The whole place fell about - because the pointer was a broad, arrow shaped device with a slightly rounded end. It looked just as if he'd slapped his tadger onto the OHP! Stn Cdr thought he was taking the pi$$ and went puce!
Stn Cdr was always asking questions at the student recce briefs. Those tedious things about Russian tanks with slack tracks, curved handrails etc. One of his favourites was "How can you tell it from one of ours?"... One day the late 'Shlib' Wxly came up with the closing line "And for those who want to know the difference between one of ours and one of theirs, theirs'll be heading west and ours will be heading east!"
Another mate opened with "The release range of the xxxx is 1667 yards. The T-whatever tank is nn feet long. At 1667 yards that's (some very small value) mills. Here is the sight picture of the T-whatever at 1667 yards...."
It was about the size of a piece of fly sh*t. But he went on: "You will note the curved handrails on the turrret, the overlapping GT wheels, the fume extractor at the end of the barrel, the slack tracks....." Again, the whole place fell about - except fot the Stn Cdr whose neck went deep purple.
Sometime afterwards a message came down from on high requiring the recce briefs to be taken more seriously!
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Aircraft Recognition
In the early 60s, the fighter force had weekly aircraft recognition tests in squadron, with a monthly test sent to Group for marking.
We had to note the wingspans of each test aircraft, so that we could set the wingspan of our intended targets into the gunsight.
One of our number declared that this was b**ll**cks, as all we need to know was if the aircraft was theirs or ours and if it was big or small (all bombers had 50ft wingspans and all fighters had 30ft, approx).
So, on the next Group test, he answered "Theirs small", "Ours large" etc. The results of the test came down with the AOC's comment, "If Flt Lt Bloggs persists in this novel way of identifying aircraft, he will have my large up his small."
End of innovation.
We had to note the wingspans of each test aircraft, so that we could set the wingspan of our intended targets into the gunsight.
One of our number declared that this was b**ll**cks, as all we need to know was if the aircraft was theirs or ours and if it was big or small (all bombers had 50ft wingspans and all fighters had 30ft, approx).
So, on the next Group test, he answered "Theirs small", "Ours large" etc. The results of the test came down with the AOC's comment, "If Flt Lt Bloggs persists in this novel way of identifying aircraft, he will have my large up his small."
End of innovation.
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Lee and Huey,
The same Little F on the second jaunt to Sierra Leone made another comment about an aircraft that was approaching too fast for its assigned spot (neither of you two, or me, I hasten to add!).
As the aircraft sailed past standing on its tail, level with the Flyco windows,
"You - are - taking - the - p*ss!"
...delivered totally deadpan.
Naturally, they called the overshoot and approached again a lot more sedately.
The same Little F on the second jaunt to Sierra Leone made another comment about an aircraft that was approaching too fast for its assigned spot (neither of you two, or me, I hasten to add!).
As the aircraft sailed past standing on its tail, level with the Flyco windows,
"You - are - taking - the - p*ss!"
...delivered totally deadpan.
Naturally, they called the overshoot and approached again a lot more sedately.
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Somewhere on Salisbury Plain. Very Senior Army Officer addressing a gathering of other important bods during an Exercise.
"Welcome the HQ 1st Armoured Brigade. We commanding 36,000 men. That is half the size of the RAF. And we do it from this tent"
"Welcome the HQ 1st Armoured Brigade. We commanding 36,000 men. That is half the size of the RAF. And we do it from this tent"
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A mate of mine had bought himself a double bed for his room in the mess and so he'd moved his old issue bed out into the corridor. His old mattress was up on its side leaning against the wall. Needless to say he recieved many remarks about wetting his bed in the night etc etc.
This banter went on for a while until someone said, "Seriously then, why is your mattress leant up against the wall?"
As quick as a flash came the reply, "It was the only way I could get your mum back into her wheelchair".
Purile & bad taste I know, but I don't think I've laughed that hard since.
Cheers
This banter went on for a while until someone said, "Seriously then, why is your mattress leant up against the wall?"
As quick as a flash came the reply, "It was the only way I could get your mum back into her wheelchair".
Purile & bad taste I know, but I don't think I've laughed that hard since.
Cheers
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Jungly QHIs and HWIs, including the display team which had done a demo that day, on the pi$$ after a wings parade, none too long ago. As happens in the somewhat limited number of hostelries the town that supports Wastelands posesses, we ended up in the same bar as a group of 899 zoomies who commence deriding the said demo.
Quick as a flash the reply came "Sorry to dissapoint you gents, but the older of you will probably remember that being operational not decorational leaves little time to practice".
Pi$$taker unable to reply in the required 5 seconds.
Quick as a flash the reply came "Sorry to dissapoint you gents, but the older of you will probably remember that being operational not decorational leaves little time to practice".
Pi$$taker unable to reply in the required 5 seconds.
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Just thought of one more...
At the aircrew party at RIAT a couple of years ago, I asked a Red Arrow (in red flying suit and all) who he'd come as. Even though most of those around thought it was pretty funny, the fact that 9 pairs of scowling eyes followed me around for the rest of the evening proves that RAFAT are as bad at taking banter as they are good at flying.
At the aircrew party at RIAT a couple of years ago, I asked a Red Arrow (in red flying suit and all) who he'd come as. Even though most of those around thought it was pretty funny, the fact that 9 pairs of scowling eyes followed me around for the rest of the evening proves that RAFAT are as bad at taking banter as they are good at flying.
Avoid imitations
Join Date: Nov 2000
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Aah, yes, those early morning recce briefs!
Many years ago, our support heli sqn was based in central West Germany.
Our marine exchange officer decided to go through a phase of recognition of SHIPS (not a ship for miles around unless the Red Navy's plan was to sneak up the Rhine from the south).
After a few days of slides of similar looking ships, the same old question was asked (no-one had got one correct yet) "What is THIS vessel type?"
"B zero eighty!" came an authoritative reply from the rear of the room.
"B-zero-80? wazz that?" said the marine.
A hairy old pilot got up and walked towards the door. As he passed by the chalkboard, he wrote the letters B-O-A-T and continued through the door into the hangar.......
Many years ago, our support heli sqn was based in central West Germany.
Our marine exchange officer decided to go through a phase of recognition of SHIPS (not a ship for miles around unless the Red Navy's plan was to sneak up the Rhine from the south).
After a few days of slides of similar looking ships, the same old question was asked (no-one had got one correct yet) "What is THIS vessel type?"
"B zero eighty!" came an authoritative reply from the rear of the room.
"B-zero-80? wazz that?" said the marine.
A hairy old pilot got up and walked towards the door. As he passed by the chalkboard, he wrote the letters B-O-A-T and continued through the door into the hangar.......
We had the duty sqn recce mate - but, as we were UK AD, 'They' had decided that we needed to know the RN's war canoes as well as various types of Bear, etc.
So, every so often, on went the slides. Once, after 10 consecutive slides of the Sverdlov, Clunk - on went slide 11. "Gizzard", asked BK of the RAF's only commissioned football hooligan, "what's that"?
"Sam Kotlin".
"No, you ar$e, it's the same bastard Sverdlov! OK chaps, on with the test"
Clunk - "Broadsword"
Clunk - "Amazon"
Clunk - "Bristol"
"Hmm, BEagle, you've obviously been studying. Well done!"
"No I haven't. Well, only a bit. Because the next one is a County, then Invincible, Rothsay, Leander and Sheffield. Same as last time - BABCIRLS! Suggest you randomize your slides, BK!"
"Oh bugger!"
So, every so often, on went the slides. Once, after 10 consecutive slides of the Sverdlov, Clunk - on went slide 11. "Gizzard", asked BK of the RAF's only commissioned football hooligan, "what's that"?
"Sam Kotlin".
"No, you ar$e, it's the same bastard Sverdlov! OK chaps, on with the test"
Clunk - "Broadsword"
Clunk - "Amazon"
Clunk - "Bristol"
"Hmm, BEagle, you've obviously been studying. Well done!"
"No I haven't. Well, only a bit. Because the next one is a County, then Invincible, Rothsay, Leander and Sheffield. Same as last time - BABCIRLS! Suggest you randomize your slides, BK!"
"Oh bugger!"
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To kick off a trans-Tasman fight:
In a speech about Kiwis moving to Oz, NZ PM 'Piggy' Muldoon:
"They are raising the average IQ in Australia AND New Zealand"
In a speech about Kiwis moving to Oz, NZ PM 'Piggy' Muldoon:
"They are raising the average IQ in Australia AND New Zealand"
Looking at an F3 Italian exchange pilot (when the F3's flew down to MP) retrieving his luggage from the accomodation roof in Tristar village......
Herk pilot opens bleary eyes longer enough to notice and slurs:
"It's like from that film"
"Eh?@?" the pilot says
"Wop on a hot tin roof"...............
Guess you had to be there.
Herk pilot opens bleary eyes longer enough to notice and slurs:
"It's like from that film"
"Eh?@?" the pilot says
"Wop on a hot tin roof"...............
Guess you had to be there.
Middle of an Oz night, many moons ago, during yet another Ashes Tour downunder......
Perth ( that dates it ) "Speedbird 9, can you give us count to 5 for a radio check?":
Self " 1...2...3....4.....5"
Somebody with Oz accent " hey Speedbird, was that the latest English cricket score"?
Perth ( that dates it ) "Speedbird 9, can you give us count to 5 for a radio check?":
Self " 1...2...3....4.....5"
Somebody with Oz accent " hey Speedbird, was that the latest English cricket score"?
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Small gathering in the bar at a former Det somewhere in southern Oman - theme was 'What you were wearing when the ship went down'. The Yanks from their little camp up the road were invited for some fun too.
There were boys in night-dresses, girls in pyjamas, TCW spent an age making 'Gimp' costumes from gaffa tape & black nasty. However, the Americans lost it when a certain SNCO came in a flying suit with a big red circle on it, goggles and a red & white bandana - a kamikazi pilot. Massive sense of humour failure.
There were boys in night-dresses, girls in pyjamas, TCW spent an age making 'Gimp' costumes from gaffa tape & black nasty. However, the Americans lost it when a certain SNCO came in a flying suit with a big red circle on it, goggles and a red & white bandana - a kamikazi pilot. Massive sense of humour failure.