JOKES PLEASE (for our Young Flyers - steady now!)
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A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back." The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Join Date: Jan 2003
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What do you call a bus load of dead politicians?
..A good start
.....................................
Stewardess: I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
..A good start
.....................................
Stewardess: I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
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Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven, where they are met by St Peter.
"In honour of the season," St Peter says to them, "before I let you pass through the Pearly Gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him.
"They're candles!" replies the first man.
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks.
"They're bells!" replies the man.
"Ah - well done, you too may pass through!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers. He holds them up proudly.
"What do these represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled.
"They're Carol's!"
"In honour of the season," St Peter says to them, "before I let you pass through the Pearly Gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him.
"They're candles!" replies the first man.
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks.
"They're bells!" replies the man.
"Ah - well done, you too may pass through!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers. He holds them up proudly.
"What do these represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled.
"They're Carol's!"
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Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: On the beach
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Police arrested two men for behaving suspiciously in a public place - one was eating gunpowder and the other was drinking battery acid.
They charged one and let the other off.
I'll GMC.....
They charged one and let the other off.
I'll GMC.....
Dracula is roaming the dark back streets of the city, looking for a tasty female to provide his supper. Suddenly, something hits him on the back of the head. He looks down an sees a sausage roll lying on the ground.
He steps back and slips backwards. He has slipped on a quiche and falls backwards onto a pile of vol au vents which cushion his fall.
Then, he feels a sharp pain in his chest. He looks down and, sticking out from his chest, straight into his heart is a cocktail stick, complete with pineapple chunk and piece of cheese.
As his strength and life ebbs away he sees a woman standing before him. “Who are you?” he croaks.
“I’m Buffet the vampire slayer” she says.
He steps back and slips backwards. He has slipped on a quiche and falls backwards onto a pile of vol au vents which cushion his fall.
Then, he feels a sharp pain in his chest. He looks down and, sticking out from his chest, straight into his heart is a cocktail stick, complete with pineapple chunk and piece of cheese.
As his strength and life ebbs away he sees a woman standing before him. “Who are you?” he croaks.
“I’m Buffet the vampire slayer” she says.
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Location: Bris, QLD, Australia
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What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other ? Eilene
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other ? Irene
What do you call a woman with both leg the same length ? Nolene
What do you call a man lying on your door step ? Matt
What do you call a man floating in the ocean ? Bob
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who swam the English Channel ? Clever Dick
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other ? Irene
What do you call a woman with both leg the same length ? Nolene
What do you call a man lying on your door step ? Matt
What do you call a man floating in the ocean ? Bob
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who swam the English Channel ? Clever Dick
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Location: Sheffield
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Major Charles Ingram, Quiz show cheat, was found dead today, verdict suicide.
Carlton Television, whilst sympathetic about the costs of the funeral, feel that it would be inappropriate to contribute to the coffin.
Laydeez 'n gennlemen.....
Carlton Television, whilst sympathetic about the costs of the funeral, feel that it would be inappropriate to contribute to the coffin.
Laydeez 'n gennlemen.....
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was selotaped to the first one.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game!!!!!
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, stuck to a wall?
Sticky back spastic!!! 
It was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was selotaped to the first one.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game!!!!!
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, stuck to a wall?
Sticky back spastic!!!
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: The dark side...
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A white horse walks into a pub and goes up to the bar, the barman says, "There's a pub down the road named after you,"
"What - Colin!?" replies the horse.
I'm here all week!
"What - Colin!?" replies the horse.
I'm here all week!
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: northants
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A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane
when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Tracy Island
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Man goes to see his doctor
Dr: What seems to be the trouble?
Man: I can't stop singing the green green grass of home
Dr: Hmmm; you've got Tom Jones syndrome
Man: Is that common?
Dr: It's not unusual
I'm off
FEBA
Dr: What seems to be the trouble?
Man: I can't stop singing the green green grass of home
Dr: Hmmm; you've got Tom Jones syndrome
Man: Is that common?
Dr: It's not unusual
I'm off
FEBA
1. An Eskimo decides to visit Wales (God knows why - certainly not to watch their rugby!). He's driving happily along through Llanfachnwswr when his car shudders and grinds to a halt. Fortunately for him, along comes Jones the Motor. After a while he looks at the Eskimo and exclaims: "You've blown a seal"
"So f*cking what", replies the Eskimo, "You've probably $hagged sheep........!"
2. Police searching Michael Jackson's mansion announced that they'd found Class A drugs in the living room, Class B in the hallway..............and the whole of Class 5C in the bedroom!
"So f*cking what", replies the Eskimo, "You've probably $hagged sheep........!"
2. Police searching Michael Jackson's mansion announced that they'd found Class A drugs in the living room, Class B in the hallway..............and the whole of Class 5C in the bedroom!
