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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 20th Nov 2019, 21:58
  #1 (permalink)  
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Friday Jokes Part 2

To whoever it was who stole my antidepressants - . I hope you're happy now...
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Old 21st Nov 2019, 14:29
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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the f*%kin’ dishes!!
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Old 23rd Nov 2019, 15:52
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Location: Under the flight path
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Q: What do they serve for breakfast at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland?
A: Cheerios.

I'll get my coat...
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Old 24th Nov 2019, 11:48
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Boris has pledged to make Britain Corbyn neutral by 2020...
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Old 25th Nov 2019, 21:55
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The man stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife.
“From now on you need to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law”.
” You will prepare me a gourmet meal every night and when I am done eating my meal you will serve me a scrumptious dessert”.
“After dinner you are going to go upstairs and we will have the kind of sex that I want”.
“Afterwards you will draw me a bath so I can relax and you will gently wash my body, towel me dry and bring me my robe”.
“Then you will massage my feet and hands as I drift off to sleep”.

“Then tomorrow guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair”?

The wife replied. “The Funeral Director, would be my first guess”.
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Old 30th Nov 2019, 08:42
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Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "

'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'Just let me in,' says the politician.

'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....

The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.

The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted

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Old 3rd Dec 2019, 15:19
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OK lets keep it simple

Did you hear about the masochist who liked a freezing cold shower every morning?
He had a hot one.
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Old 3rd Dec 2019, 15:31
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What do you call an elf who wins the lottery?


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Old 7th Dec 2019, 18:37
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Man says to his wife:
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She: "I'd take half the money and leave you."
He: " Great. I won £12; here's £6 - keep in touch"
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Old 8th Dec 2019, 04:12
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Masochist to Sadist : " Whip me, beat me, call me trash ! "

Sadist : "No"
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Old 8th Dec 2019, 08:06
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Old Pilot Plays Piano

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar, but he was holding his head up high. His hands were a little shaky, as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I flew F-4 Phantoms out of Cam Ranh Bay during Vietnam. I learned to play the piano at the Officers' Club during my down time, so here I am.”

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy. But it had been quite a while since he had a piano player, and business was falling off. So, he figured, why not give him a try? A few patrons snickered, as the old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano. But by the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender handed the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Panties, Baby, It's Balls To The Wall Tonight" he said.

After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he added "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player quickly went into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the whole place jumping.

After he finished, the old pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Honey, Your Boobs Are Adding Fuel to My Afterburner."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song, and everyone in the room was enthralled.

He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread Those Legs, Honey, I'm on Final with My Gear Extended".

Then he excused himself and headed for the restroom.

When he came out, the bartender went over to him and said, "Great work, fly boy, the job is yours. But do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out? "

Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
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Old 8th Dec 2019, 20:01
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Location: UK
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The doctor asked me how my sex life was going

I told him that there wasn't a problem. When I get my date into the bedroom and strip off I know I will get two bangs.

The first is the bedroom door, the second the front door.
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Old 9th Dec 2019, 06:23
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Viagra may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.
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Old 9th Dec 2019, 09:57
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What did the Thesaurus have for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
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Old 10th Dec 2019, 11:34
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Coincidence there, Fareastdriver, my doc asked me how much sex I was having. I said "Infrequently" he said "Is that one word or two?".
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Old 13th Dec 2019, 15:50
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Location: Texas
Age: 62
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A wine merchant's regular taster died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct." A third glass was presented.
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
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Old 13th Dec 2019, 19:22
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You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
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Old 14th Dec 2019, 07:40
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Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.
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Old 17th Dec 2019, 09:54
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Tits like coconuts

p.s. I’m back!
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Old 17th Dec 2019, 11:16
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Time flies.

You can't, they go too fast.
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