Friday Jokes Part 2
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 5,528
New 2020 GOLF TERMINOLOGY:
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Philip Schofield - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
A Rodney King - overclubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An Elephant's arse - high and shitty
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be
Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from this advice.
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Philip Schofield - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
A Rodney King - overclubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An Elephant's arse - high and shitty
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be
Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from this advice.
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Ramsgate Kent !
Age: 60
Posts: 19
A bloke took his new car back to the garage.
"I dont understand it he said" every time i drive past a vicar or priest,there are altering numbers on the instrument display !
"Dont worry about that" replies the dealer, "thats just the rev counter"
"I dont understand it he said" every time i drive past a vicar or priest,there are altering numbers on the instrument display !
"Dont worry about that" replies the dealer, "thats just the rev counter"
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 3,188
A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a couple of long-necks.
Mister Grumpy goes into a bar, and says, "I want a beer, without."
Bartender says, "Without what?"
"WITHOUT ANY F***ING AROUND!"
Mister Grumpy goes into a bar, and says, "I want a beer, without."
Bartender says, "Without what?"
"WITHOUT ANY F***ING AROUND!"
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,363
UK Virus ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “P**** Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said “Its not us”
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “P**** Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said “Its not us”
JetBlast member 2005.
JetBlast member 2006.
Banned 2007
JetBlast member 2006.
Banned 2007
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: The US of A - sort of
Posts: 4
Apparently [pick your politician, but I'll go with Ted Cruz, junior senator for Texas] came into contact with the Coronavirus.
In response, the virus has gone into self-quarantine for two weeks
In response, the virus has gone into self-quarantine for two weeks
