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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 21st Feb 2020, 11:57
  #81 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Denmark
Posts: 187
Maurice and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their fear is that there is no after-life.
Many, many years later, Maurice dies and true to his word, he makes contact.
"Rebecca …. Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Maurice?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back, just as we agreed."
"So what's it like, Maurice?" asks Rebecca.
"Well Becky, it’s like this," replies Maurice. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. After dinner, it’s the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day."
"Oh Maurice," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Becky," says Maurice, "I'm a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."
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Old 22nd Feb 2020, 10:07
  #82 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
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A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."
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Old 22nd Feb 2020, 21:30
  #83 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
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I was driving home one day when I saw a van pulled up and the driver with his head under the bonnet. So I stopped and asked if I could help.
The driver said "I'm waiting for a breakdown truck, but I was on the way to take these monkeys to the zoo. If I give you £50, would you take them for me?"
OK I said, I've got room in the back of my 4x4, I'll do that for you.
So we got the monkeys into my car, he gave me £50 and off I went.
A few hours later, I passed back that way and the broken down van was still here. The driver waved me down. "You've still got the monkeys in the car! What happened?"
"Well," I said "I took them to the zoo but there was plenty of change from the £50 so I thought I'd take them to the cinema."
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Old 23rd Feb 2020, 14:08
  #84 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 154
Long ago, Pierre Trudeau, the former prime minister of Canada, separated from his wife, Maggie. She continually phoned him to his annoyance to tell him of how exciting a life she was having without him.

One night, he answered the phone.
"Hi Pierre, its Maggie," she said.
"Maggie I am very busy," he said in a dis-interested tone.
"But Pierre, I am in New York."
Still ignoring her, he mumbled something.
"Guess where I am, Pierre," she asked.
"I really don't car Maggie."
"I am at Studio 54, Pierre"
"That's nice, Maggie"
"Guess who I am with, Pierre"
"I don't really care, Maggie."
"But Pierre, I am with Ted Kennedy."
His tone of voice suddenly changed to one of interest...
"OH! Great! Maggie. Now make sure he drives you home now, you hear?"




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Old 24th Feb 2020, 22:35
  #85 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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Old 26th Feb 2020, 05:49
  #86 (permalink)  
 
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Old 28th Feb 2020, 09:57
  #87 (permalink)  
 
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Not realy a joke if you live around here, hopefuly someone finds it funny
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Old 28th Feb 2020, 11:38
  #88 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
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The priest asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Mary stood up and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Luke, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Luke must have experienced.

"Luke was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Luke's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Luke.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Luke is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The priest rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Luke." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum"
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Old 1st Mar 2020, 22:40
  #89 (permalink)  
 
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Old 3rd Mar 2020, 00:02
  #90 (permalink)  
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I usually think it's cheating to just quote a tube title, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the tube.

Family forum, better search it yourself. 'If that antelope survives, I'll give you a . . ."
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Old 3rd Mar 2020, 03:53
  #91 (permalink)  
 
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Mustafa saw a car for sale and, recognising it was a bargain, approached the owner. “I would like to buy your car as is“ he said.
“Certainly my friend,” said the owner, “But my name is Sayeed”.
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Old 3rd Mar 2020, 06:09
  #92 (permalink)  
 
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From a high school yearbook, editors had a good time.





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Old 3rd Mar 2020, 07:51
  #93 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
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Originally Posted by Loose rivets View Post
I usually think it's cheating to just quote a tube title, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the tube.

Family forum, better search it yourself. 'If that antelope survives, I'll give you a . . ."
Like it!
.................
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Old 4th Mar 2020, 03:07
  #94 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Search me - I only just got out of bed ....
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he ...would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. "

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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Old 4th Mar 2020, 04:33
  #95 (permalink)  
 
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Old 4th Mar 2020, 10:59
  #96 (permalink)  
 
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Old 5th Mar 2020, 13:35
  #97 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
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Did you get the cat?
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Old 5th Mar 2020, 14:30
  #98 (permalink)  
 
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None left in Boots even.




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Old 5th Mar 2020, 18:17
  #99 (permalink)  
 
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Old 5th Mar 2020, 18:47
  #100 (permalink)  
 
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