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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 10th Mar 2020, 18:18
  #81 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 5,528
New 2020 GOLF TERMINOLOGY:
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Philip Schofield - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
A Rodney King - overclubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An Elephant's arse - high and shitty
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from this advice.
Kiltrash is offline  
Old 10th Mar 2020, 20:12
  #82 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
Golf. Shagging your sister. Your not proud of it but it's up there.
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Old 10th Mar 2020, 22:22
  #83 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 73
Posts: 1,248
Golf. So called because "F*ck it!" was already taken...
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 16:53
  #84 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 7,419
Seen written in the dust on the back of a van: "No toilet rolls stored in this van overnight".
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 17:04
  #85 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,623
A Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.
The bartender says "Right, five beers coming up."


(It's a visual joke ...)
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 19:29
  #86 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 68
A Roman soldier walks into a bar and says. "Castlemaine XXXX."
The bartender says. "Right, forty Castlmaines coming up.

Last edited by hiflymk3; 12th Mar 2020 at 08:58.
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 22:21
  #87 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,653
A Roman bingo caller holds up two fingers, "Pair of these, No 5".
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Old 11th Mar 2020, 23:54
  #88 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 356
A geek walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.
The bartender says "Right, three beers coming up."
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 10:24
  #89 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
That's the trouble with these binary jokes - you have to either love 'em or hate 'em.

PDR
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 10:39
  #90 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Ramsgate Kent !
Age: 60
Posts: 19
A bloke took his new car back to the garage.
"I dont understand it he said" every time i drive past a vicar or priest,there are altering numbers on the instrument display !

"Dont worry about that" replies the dealer, "thats just the rev counter"


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Old 12th Mar 2020, 10:54
  #91 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 761
A woman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

The bartender says “Right, a stiff one coming up.”
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 11:35
  #92 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 3,188
A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a couple of long-necks.

Mister Grumpy goes into a bar, and says, "I want a beer, without."
Bartender says, "Without what?"
"WITHOUT ANY F***ING AROUND!"
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 11:58
  #93 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
A geek walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.
The bartender says "Right, three beers coming up."
That sounds all Geek to me!
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 12:00
  #94 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by PDR1 View Post
That's the trouble with these binary jokes - you have to either love 'em or hate 'em.

PDR
Remember, there are 10 types of people - those who understand binary and those who don't
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 12:02
  #95 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 160
What goes X-IV, X-IV BONE AMICI all day long?

A Roman CB'er
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Old 12th Mar 2020, 23:39
  #96 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: EU
Posts: 437
Did you hear the one about the Covid-19 virus?

You won‘t get it.
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Old 13th Mar 2020, 11:32
  #97 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,363
UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “P**** Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “Its not us”
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Old 13th Mar 2020, 16:45
  #98 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,363
I used to cough to cover up a fart. Now I fart to cover up a cough.
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Old 14th Mar 2020, 00:09
  #99 (permalink)  
JetBlast member 2005.
JetBlast member 2006.
Banned 2007
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: The US of A - sort of
Posts: 4
Apparently [pick your politician, but I'll go with Ted Cruz, junior senator for Texas] came into contact with the Coronavirus.

In response, the virus has gone into self-quarantine for two weeks
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Old 14th Mar 2020, 02:12
  #100 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 761
What begins and ends with panic? (When it's just a general epidemic?)





pan-dem-ic
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