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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 3rd Mar 2020, 01:02
  #61 (permalink)  
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I usually think it's cheating to just quote a tube title, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the tube.

Family forum, better search it yourself. 'If that antelope survives, I'll give you a . . ."
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Old 3rd Mar 2020, 04:53
  #62 (permalink)  
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Mustafa saw a car for sale and, recognising it was a bargain, approached the owner. “I would like to buy your car as is“ he said.
“Certainly my friend,” said the owner, “But my name is Sayeed”.
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Old 3rd Mar 2020, 08:51
  #63 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Loose rivets View Post
I usually think it's cheating to just quote a tube title, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the tube.

Family forum, better search it yourself. 'If that antelope survives, I'll give you a . . ."
Like it!
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Old 4th Mar 2020, 04:07
  #64 (permalink)  
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he ...would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. "

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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Old 5th Mar 2020, 14:35
  #65 (permalink)  
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Did you get the cat?
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Old 6th Mar 2020, 16:32
  #66 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 57
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Well, as it is Friday.....

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilised these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

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Old 6th Mar 2020, 16:41
  #67 (permalink)  
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 01:59
  #68 (permalink)  
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At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."

ahhhh...now "Commonwealth Games" makes far more sense, thanks!

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Old 7th Mar 2020, 02:18
  #69 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hydromet View Post
Cashash, I'd love to know if the story about the bloke who used it to treat crabs was true.
True story.
Newly arrived greaser caught the crabs. Too embarrassed to see the Chief Officer for powder. Suggested to use Oil and Grease Remover, fairly benign stuff, for half an hour. Greaser couldn't find that, found Carbon Remover, applied to family jewels for one hour to make sure.
Removed crabs OK, and skin on applied areas. Stayed in bunk for weeks to heal.
Used to throw him some porn mags just to hear him scream.

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Old 7th Mar 2020, 03:13
  #70 (permalink)  
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looked up once to check for a leak and got a drop in my mouth. Took two mini bottles of scotch to finally breathe again. Got it on a video tape somewhere in my files.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 06:52
  #71 (permalink)  
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An old bloke I worked with told me that he once - only once - used kerosene to get rid of them. pretty bad, but probably not as bad as skydrol.

We had them on the toilet seat, but we pissed them off.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 07:07
  #72 (permalink)  
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Nothing worse than an angry crab.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 11:20
  #73 (permalink)  
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Old bush remedy for crabs - take a razor, matches, some kerosene and a claw hammer.
Shave the right half of your scrotum, rub kerosene into the left half.
Uses matches to ignite the left half and when the b...rds run out of the burning shrubbery into the clearing, kill'em with the claw hammer.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 16:10
  #74 (permalink)  
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 17:34
  #75 (permalink)  
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It was reported that the tanks of one of the nations listed by rogerg had 6-gear transmission systems - 5 reverse gears and one forward gear in case the enemy attacked from behind.

In order to avoid accusations of libel my lawyer (Alessandro Avvocato) has recommended that I don't specify which nation I'm referring to.
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Old 7th Mar 2020, 18:16
  #76 (permalink)  
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I was on ebay the other day looking for WWII items - there were some weapons made by that nation for sale and the item description said; Unused, never fired, in perfect condition, only dropped once.
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Old 8th Mar 2020, 16:06
  #77 (permalink)  
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Old 8th Mar 2020, 16:13
  #78 (permalink)  
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Old 8th Mar 2020, 17:56
  #79 (permalink)  
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John Travolta has been hospitalisted with Covid19. But the doctors have confirmed it was only Saturday Night Fever and he was Staying Alive
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Old 10th Mar 2020, 16:49
  #80 (permalink)  
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Due to panic buying Aldi have announced they are going to open till 3
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