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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 23rd Jan 2020, 14:05
  #61 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 420
I keep asking people what LGBTQ means, but I never get a straight answer.........
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Old 23rd Jan 2020, 14:11
  #62 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 420
also......



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Old 24th Jan 2020, 22:10
  #63 (permalink)  


Mmmmm PPruuune!
 
Join Date: Jul 1998
Location: UK
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Old 26th Jan 2020, 07:40
  #64 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 127
Friends of mine decided to have a combined Chinese New Year and Burns Night Party. They called it Chinese Burns Night.

i didn’t want to go but they twisted my arm.
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Old 31st Jan 2020, 08:17
  #65 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
Posts: 94
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop.
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Old 31st Jan 2020, 18:39
  #66 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: ...outside the wall...
Age: 64
Posts: 158
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young
lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she
had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming"

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"what would you say is my best feature"?

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears"?
"Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out
every day, my butt is firm and smooth, look at my skin - no blemishes
anywhere."
"How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered...
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

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Old 1st Feb 2020, 11:31
  #67 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 1998
Location: Mesopotamos
Posts: 1,312
I think I can see the world through a womens eyes from the uncensored version of this clip (I've attached the censored version).


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Old 6th Feb 2020, 07:47
  #68 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
Rachel and Mike were invited to a posh masked, fancy dress party.

Unfortunately, Rachel got a terrible headache and told Mike to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, Mike protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Mike put on his costume and mask and away he went to the party.

After sleeping soundly for an hour or so, Rachel awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. She knew that Mike didn’t know what costume she was going to wear (how many husbands do?) and she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acts when she was not with him. So Rachel put on her costume and mask and drove off to the party.

Rachel soon spotted Mike. He was fooling around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to him and being a rather seductive lady, Mike immediately left his partner and devoted all his time to her - to the new beauty that had just arrived.

Rachel let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made mad, passionate love.

She did everything he asked, much more than ever. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Mike would make for his behaviour.

Rachel was sitting up reading when Mike came in and she asked what kind of time he had.

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I bumped into Jim, Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!
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Old 6th Feb 2020, 19:23
  #69 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,240
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolvedamong us.

Here is the glorious winner:



1. When his .38 calibrerevolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barreland tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger...
The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies...
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cylinder blockthrough a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cylinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cylinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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Old 6th Feb 2020, 21:05
  #70 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 420

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Old 6th Feb 2020, 21:10
  #71 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 420
I keep asking people what BDSM means, but they always say that the truth is too painful....
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Old 9th Feb 2020, 21:52
  #72 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 100
With apologies for aviation content


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Old 10th Feb 2020, 18:04
  #73 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
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Old 11th Feb 2020, 05:27
  #74 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 127
LATEST ADVICE ON CORONAVIRUS

Do not pop bubble wrap, it may contain air from China.
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Old 12th Feb 2020, 19:19
  #75 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
Well Known Hair Remover Review (Apparently) - From a Man

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.
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Old 13th Feb 2020, 00:51
  #76 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 127
How can undertakers put up the price of a funeral and then blame it on the cost of living?
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Old 13th Feb 2020, 05:33
  #77 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,165
"We have the standard 6 foot fence in our backyard, and after hearing about numerous, recent, burglaries in our neighborhood, I decided to try & prevent my wife & I, from becoming just "another statistic",……..So,…….I had the following brainwave………

I purchased an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of our fence. In fact,…I actually got the biggest cattle charger, our local Tractor Supply Store had in stock. It was designed for 26 miles of fencing. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod, I was told, is apparently *the key*, as the more you have in the ground, the better the fence is supposed to work.

So,….last week, I was mowing the grass in our back yard, with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower, when I noticed the darn hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. As I was SURE, I had unplugged the charger, before I went outside, I just pushed the mower around the wire, then reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. Turns out, however,…..that I apparently had NOT, remembered to unplug the charger, after all !!!!!!…….

So,…..there I stood,….the lawnmower running in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. (now keep in mind, the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover).

Well,……..time stood still………. The first thing I noticed was my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body….. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain……… Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally "at one", with the dang lawnmower engine !!!

It seems as though the fence charger and that piece of crap lawnmower, were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Now,….although science says,…………you cannot crap, pee, and vomit, all at the same time, I beg to differ………….Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times, in less than half of a second !!!……. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality, it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand !!!

At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire,…. palm side down, so I couldn't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences…..but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled……

This one I could not let go of !! The 8 foot long ground rod, was now accepting signals from me, through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I am thinking I am going to have to just man-up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas……… "Oh, Damn!!",…… I thought,……..as I remembered I just filled the dang tank !!……..

Now,.. the lawnmower was starting to run rough. It had settled into a loping run pattern, as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and vomit on my chest, I am thinking: "Oh God,… please just let it die… pleeeease…." But oh nooooo,……….it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle very nicely and remained there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot……..

So there I stood, in the middle of June, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to just kill me…..

Well,…….God did not take me that day…..he left me there, covered in my own fluids, to writhe in the misery, my own stupidity had created !!!

I honestly don't know *how*, I got loose from the wire……I woke up, laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume, I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seemed to have kinda melted.
2. I had cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek,…(not the left one, just the right)
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not actually smell as bad as one might think….
4. My left eye would not open…..
5. My right eye would not close…….
6. The lawnmower is now running perfectly…..seriously !!…I think our little session, must have cleared out some carbon or something, because it ran better than when it was new after that !!
7. My testicles are still smaller than average, but are now almost a foot long…….
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room, by farting while thinking of the number 4 …( I still don't understand this???)

Yes,…….that day changed my life forever….I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always *triple-check* to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow the grass.

The good news is,.. that if a burglar *does* try to come over the fence, I can clearly truly visualize, what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me, to triple check before I mow the grass !!!!.."
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Old 13th Feb 2020, 09:26
  #78 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Denmark
Posts: 187
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could puta #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a [email protected]&$ thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
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Old 13th Feb 2020, 20:49
  #79 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: ...outside the wall...
Age: 64
Posts: 158
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Old 15th Feb 2020, 20:10
  #80 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag
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