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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 28th Dec 2019, 19:30
  #41 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 688
We've had some lovely X-mas No.1's over the years but it was the Boxing Day No.2 that really brought a tear to my eye.
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Old 31st Dec 2019, 06:25
  #42 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 127
Don’t always believe statistics.

I’ve just read that last year 4213257 got married.
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Old 4th Jan 2020, 01:48
  #43 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Between a Rock and a Hard Spot
Posts: 199
The Queen and The Donald

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well.

Suddently, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the horse's emissions.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure that you understand that there are some things that even a Queen can not control."

President Trump, being presidential responded; "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
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Old 4th Jan 2020, 05:02
  #44 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SE England
Posts: 574
Donald Trump was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA.

"As I'm the President" said Trump, "I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Donal Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump". Donald thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little p****d off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before The Donald could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
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Old 8th Jan 2020, 16:26
  #45 (permalink)  
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Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
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Old 12th Jan 2020, 12:59
  #46 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'Yes, yes i did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?'Ii asked
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled,
Fat arsed,
Grey haired,
Decrepit,
******* asked..
'What did you teach?'
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Old 13th Jan 2020, 10:19
  #47 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
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Old 13th Jan 2020, 10:22
  #48 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
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Old 13th Jan 2020, 20:48
  #49 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
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Old 13th Jan 2020, 22:53
  #50 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Hampshire
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Old 13th Jan 2020, 22:58
  #51 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
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Old 13th Jan 2020, 23:00
  #52 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Hampshire
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Old 14th Jan 2020, 00:23
  #53 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Penzance
Posts: 177
An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil welcomes him and says "Let me show you around a little bit". They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys". The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn't be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don't want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulphur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians/Muslims/Jews *. I don't know why, but they prefer it that way".




* insert preferred religion to avoid the inevitable responses from the permanently outraged

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Old 14th Jan 2020, 10:46
  #54 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Hanging off the end of a thread
Posts: 16,968
Posted on a camera forum I frequent in the for sale section.

I'm posting this with a heavy heart.


As much as I love photography, and everything that comes with it...this is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear.

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.

Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Wet/Dry Vac
2. Dustpan and brush
3. Mop and bucket
4. Mop and Shine
5. Windex
6. Laundry detergent
7. Leaf rake
8. Broom
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Old 14th Jan 2020, 17:33
  #55 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Hampshire
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Old 15th Jan 2020, 13:54
  #56 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,240
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other

incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued

by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'


That's when she shot him.
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Old 22nd Jan 2020, 17:43
  #57 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,165
I have a confession to make. I've been drinking Brake Fluid secretly for years. My wife thinks I should attend an Addicts' Group to help me give it up but I said I could stop any time I wanted.
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Old 22nd Jan 2020, 19:33
  #58 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,374
Do you become dehydraulic-ed if you don't get a top up?
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Old 22nd Jan 2020, 19:49
  #59 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 54
You're clutching at straws.
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Old 22nd Jan 2020, 20:25
  #60 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,374
People are pedaling very strange substances to accelerate one's mood these days...
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