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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 29th Jan 2021, 22:34
  #421 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 57
Posts: 8,348
Charles Dickens' novel "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two local papers. The Bicester Times and The Worcester Times...
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Old 30th Jan 2021, 10:42
  #422 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 62
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Greta Thunberg's favourite food, Baked Alaska.
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Old 6th Feb 2021, 12:44
  #423 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 81
Posts: 4,936
When James Bond is abroad, is his number +4407 ?
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Old 7th Feb 2021, 15:09
  #424 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southampton
Posts: 738
I thought my luck was in the other day.

I walked past some very attractive young ladies and I hear one say to the other 'Nine'.

I thought 9 out of 10 eh? I've got a chance here.

Then I realised they were speaking German...

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Old 7th Feb 2021, 15:13
  #425 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oop t’North
Posts: 9
Which reminds us all of -
English children are kind, but German children are kinder.
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Old 9th Feb 2021, 11:58
  #426 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: USVI
Posts: 150
Nothing is built in the USA anymore...

Just bought a new TV...says "Built in Antennae"

Hell, I dont even know where that is....
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Old 10th Feb 2021, 12:43
  #427 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 2,005
Proud husband to stranger on train: Look at this pic of my wife, isn't she stunning?
Stranger: Blimey mate, if you think she's stunning, you should see my wife!
Husband: Really, is she gorgeous too?

Stranger: No, she's a optician
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Old 12th Feb 2021, 06:46
  #428 (permalink)  
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Peripatetic
Posts: 11,523
The appliance of science.....


HuggieBot 2.0: A soft and human-size robot that hugs users on request
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Old 14th Feb 2021, 12:08
  #429 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 1998
Location: Mesopotamos
Posts: 1,529
100 years ago, the lower classes rode horses, and the rich classes drove cars.
Today, the lower classes drive cars, and the rich classes ride horses.
I guess the stables have turned.
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Old 16th Feb 2021, 11:15
  #430 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2000
Location: London, UK
Posts: 367
Since I've enjoyed this thread........

Trump dies of COVID (there is a God). He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I don't have a room. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, and it would ruin my golf swing. I can't break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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Old 18th Feb 2021, 04:55
  #431 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: 100m South of the 45th
Age: 56
Posts: 34
When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I'd been fostered......
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Old 23rd Feb 2021, 01:21
  #432 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 800
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint... We have digital watches."
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Old 23rd Feb 2021, 10:56
  #433 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 1,207
Just met one of my old Skippers. What a coincidence. We had a chat for a while until someone beeped their car horn. I quickly said I wanted a Big Mac Meal and drove round to the payment window.

Nice to know he's doing better than most of my old mates.
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Old 23rd Feb 2021, 21:03
  #434 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 3,371
What did the Science graduate say to the dole bludger?

"You want fries with that?"
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Old 24th Feb 2021, 20:41
  #435 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Balikpapan, INDONESIA
Age: 68
Posts: 706
The other victim of Tiger Woods accident was his bag of personalised clubs in the back of the car.
Luckily most were unscathed.
However the one wood must have been been badly damaged because his manager says that he's now looking for a new driver.
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Old 25th Feb 2021, 09:20
  #436 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 2,005
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is this true?

Husband: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
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Old 25th Feb 2021, 11:43
  #437 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 800
Two elderly couples met up in the park. The husbands got into a huddle. One said, "June and I went out to a new restaurant last night and it was really great. I would highly recommend it to you and your wife".

The other elderly man asked "What was the name of the place?"

The first man pondered for a bit and eventually said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love ? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?"

The second elderly man replied, "Er, do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one." He then turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant last night"?
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Old 25th Feb 2021, 12:12
  #438 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: 51.50N 1W (ish)
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Jesus College, Cambridge is proposing to remove a memorial in their chapel to an alleged profiteer from the slave trade, and store it in an unused wine cellar. A graduate of the college wrote to the editor of The Times today, scandalised that the college had sunk so low that they had an unused wine cellar.
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Old 25th Feb 2021, 12:50
  #439 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 172
Can't believe my luck, but 200 the other week on Tiger Wood's first drive of 2021 landing in the rough.
Hope Paddy Power pay out
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Old 25th Feb 2021, 14:40
  #440 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: luton,geneva,tokyo
Posts: 15
A cricketing Swiss from Ragaz

Caught Corona while playing ex-pats

With stumps - from Jinan

And balls - from Wuhan

But the Chinese had eaten the bats
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