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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 13th May 2020, 13:53
  #421 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 3,572
My wife threw out 2 old pairs of knickers,
I asked her convert them into home made face masks for me
Think I can get the dent out of the frying pan

(sorry this should be in the Coronavirus thread)
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Old 14th May 2020, 07:19
  #422 (permalink)  
 
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Old 15th May 2020, 14:24
  #423 (permalink)  
 
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Old 15th May 2020, 18:42
  #424 (permalink)  
 
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Old 17th May 2020, 10:54
  #425 (permalink)  
 
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Last edited by Discorde; 17th May 2020 at 10:56. Reason: Version 2 for the benefit of younger Ppruners
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Old 18th May 2020, 22:54
  #426 (permalink)  
 
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The importance of cross checking performance inputs.

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Old 19th May 2020, 15:38
  #427 (permalink)  
 
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Sign on a Spanish golf course, (presumably for returning Brits.)

You must disinfect your balls after playing around.
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Old 19th May 2020, 15:50
  #428 (permalink)  
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Old 20th May 2020, 18:49
  #429 (permalink)  
 
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It's been such a joy being home with my wife over the last six weeks. We've caught up on all the things I've done wrong in the last 30 years.
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Old 21st May 2020, 03:38
  #430 (permalink)  
 
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Yellow 24

Guy feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
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Old 22nd May 2020, 11:49
  #431 (permalink)  
 
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Old 22nd May 2020, 15:50
  #432 (permalink)  
 
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Florida Distance Enforcer

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Old 22nd May 2020, 15:57
  #433 (permalink)  
 
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Entertainment At The Cat Club Bar (Which Just Re-Opened)

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Old 23rd May 2020, 11:02
  #434 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd May 2020, 20:52
  #435 (permalink)  
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Old 23rd May 2020, 22:37
  #436 (permalink)  
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Plans for a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie have been put on hold until we get a lower value of Arr!


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Old 24th May 2020, 12:54
  #437 (permalink)  
 
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Get yourselves a new tee shirt:


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Old 24th May 2020, 13:10
  #438 (permalink)  
 
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Stop Press - Formula One

FERRARI

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British Government's "Work for the Dole/Corona" scheme and employ the
Welsh.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from the Rhondda Valleys were able to remove
a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari
management, as most races are won and lost in the pits - Ferrari
would have an advantage over every team.

However ........
Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
practice session, not only were the Welsh pit crew able to change the
tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 bottles
of Stella, a kilogram of 'speed' and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's
bird in the shower ......


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Old 25th May 2020, 10:10
  #439 (permalink)  
 
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Old 25th May 2020, 11:38
  #440 (permalink)  
 
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If you see this wheelie bin floating, you have been in the house way too long. It is just a wet spot on the pavement.
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