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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 9th Dec 2019, 06:23
  #21 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
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Viagra may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.
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Old 9th Dec 2019, 09:57
  #22 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 1998
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What did the Thesaurus have for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
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Old 10th Dec 2019, 11:34
  #23 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: UK
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Coincidence there, Fareastdriver, my doc asked me how much sex I was having. I said "Infrequently" he said "Is that one word or two?".
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Old 11th Dec 2019, 23:33
  #24 (permalink)  
 
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Old 13th Dec 2019, 15:50
  #25 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,502
A wine merchant's regular taster died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct." A third glass was presented.
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
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Old 13th Dec 2019, 19:22
  #26 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
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You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
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Old 14th Dec 2019, 07:40
  #27 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Hampshire
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Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.
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Old 17th Dec 2019, 09:54
  #28 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 698
Tits like coconuts




p.s. Im back!
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Old 17th Dec 2019, 11:16
  #29 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 696
Time flies.

You can't, they go too fast.
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Old 18th Dec 2019, 16:26
  #30 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Moscow region
Age: 61
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A real story.

An aged pilot underwent a surgery because of gallstones and got his gallbladder taken out. Nevertheless he successfully passed the medical commission and continued flying.

During the next year examination, a doctor looking at his blood test results thoughtfully grumbled: "The subject is either an alcoholic, or has no gallbladder".

"You have just hit the nail, TWICE, doc" - was the comment.
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Old 21st Dec 2019, 23:08
  #31 (permalink)  
See and avoid
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 504
New U.S. cocktail: (g)In Peach Mint

1 ounce gin
1-1/2 ounce peach schnapps
Crushed mint
Water to taste

Leaves the House stirred, not shaken.
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Old 21st Dec 2019, 23:35
  #32 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 415
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...


The Diamond D's Brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
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Old 22nd Dec 2019, 15:02
  #33 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: EGLL
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A man just knocked on my front door, asking me to sign up for the NHS Organ Donor scheme. 'There's a man after my own heart' I thought...
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Old 26th Dec 2019, 23:42
  #34 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 415
Got some nice Irish beer for Xmas, on the cap it said "For opening instructions see bottom" and on the bottom it said "Open other end"
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Old 27th Dec 2019, 12:03
  #35 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 347
Reminiscent of the piece of paper printed "How to keep an Irishman amused for hours - PTO".
And on the reverse it said ...
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Old 27th Dec 2019, 12:13
  #36 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
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How do you confuse an an Irishman?,

put 3 shovels against the wall.and tell him to take his pick.
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Old 27th Dec 2019, 13:31
  #37 (permalink)  
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Stand him in a barrel and tell him to piss in the corner.
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Old 27th Dec 2019, 13:33
  #38 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: UK
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Woman to pharmacist, Is that Viagra on the shelf behind you?, Yes. Can you get it over the counter?, I can if I take three at once!

Last edited by Little cloud; 29th Dec 2019 at 04:30.
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Old 27th Dec 2019, 18:29
  #39 (permalink)  
 
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Old 27th Dec 2019, 21:08
  #40 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
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