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Friday Jokes Part 2

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Friday Jokes Part 2

Old 7th Jul 2020, 11:31
  #321 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Midlands
Posts: 337
Dave the Hen - A favourite of mine resurrected from 12yr ago:

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken [email protected] You've sh1t the bed !!'
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Old 7th Jul 2020, 22:09
  #322 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 43
Posts: 13
Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch, they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway
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Old 8th Jul 2020, 19:50
  #323 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Station 42
Age: 65
Posts: 904
Ah, of course! Thanks, Treads, glad to hear he's still walking the PPRuNe halls.

While I'm here, my mate got six months inside for attacking someone with a packet of sandpaper. I thought it was a bit harsh, he only meant to rough him up.

I was going to tell a joke about smallpox but I knew you wouldn't get it.

Last edited by stevef; 8th Jul 2020 at 20:04.
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Old 10th Jul 2020, 10:11
  #324 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: North of Watford Gap
Posts: 25
saw an advert for a 60" HD TV on Ebay for £10 but volume stuck on full..............well I couldnt turn that down!
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Old 14th Jul 2020, 22:22
  #325 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,378
The king asked the royal weather forecaster to give him the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist guaranteed there was no rain in the forecast at all so, the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!

In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential cold rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain"

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this very day.
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Old 22nd Jul 2020, 00:51
  #326 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Age: 72
Posts: 4,276
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum.


If you don't mind my asking' said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot' lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'

'I do not understand,'said the other.


The first Arab says 'I was walking along Russell Street, and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.


He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'


I said, 'No shit?'
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Old 22nd Jul 2020, 14:11
  #327 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 82
Posts: 50
Green scientists have succeeded it getting cars to run on parsley.
They are now addressing the greater challenge of getting trains to run on thyme.
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Old 27th Jul 2020, 10:41
  #328 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,287
A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my finger" so saint Peter tells her to dip her finger into the holy water and she may pass into heaven.

The next girls steps forward and Peter asks her the same question. She says "yes but only with my hand for a moment" so Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the holy water and she may pass to heaven.

Then suddenly one of the girls from the back of the line starts pushing everyone out of the way to get to the front of the line. Peter looks at her and says "what seems to be the problem?" And she says "Peter I just want to gargle some holy water before Jenny sticks her ass in it"
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Old 30th Jul 2020, 13:38
  #329 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 133
MAN HIT WITH FLYING POWER TOOL

The man said, ‘Everything was fine then Bosch.’
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Old 30th Jul 2020, 14:23
  #330 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 68
True story.
A girlfriend of a friend of mine came back from shopping. He asked what did she get, she replied. A Bosch jigsaw.
He thought what the heck does she need a jigsaw for.
On inspection it turned out to be a Hieronymus Bosch jigsaw puzzle.
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Old 4th Aug 2020, 01:36
  #331 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Age: 72
Posts: 4,276
Hopefully not a re-run; but still funny for us Senior Citizens

An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone, "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly,
"Paint my house."
Our needs change as we get older, we get smarter and tend to look for bargains.
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Old 4th Aug 2020, 05:03
  #332 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Age: 72
Posts: 4,276
And for the Navy PPRuNers, one of the old classics:

A rabbit walks into the "Mighty Fine" and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a Pussers Rum, and a Ham and Egg Cheesy Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a Pussers Rum and a ham and egg cheesy toastie. The rabbit drinks the rum and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pussers Rum, and a Ham and Egg Cheesy Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the rum and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed with Matelots. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A Pussers Rum and a Ham and Egg Cheesy Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his rum and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A Pussers Rum and a Ham and Egg Cheesy Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Egg Cheesy Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a Pussers Rum and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit downs the rum and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished Mighty Fine, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a Pussers Rum and a Ham and Egg Cheesy Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Egg Cheesy Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…

‘Mixin-me-toasties.
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Old 9th Aug 2020, 09:31
  #333 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 133
A wise man to his boy; ‘ My son, when you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round so that it can be put into a square box and is eaten in triangles, then my son, you will be able to understand women.’
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Old 10th Aug 2020, 23:21
  #334 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 182
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "CAH, CAH" not a single one could shout "TRUCK!"
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Old 11th Aug 2020, 02:05
  #335 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 81
Posts: 4,919
A young lad goes off to University and after a while moves into a flat with a roommate.

His Mother comes to visit one day for Sunday dinner, and is shocked to find that the roommate is not another bloke, but a young, stunningly beautiful woman. The son assures her though that despite that, they’re just friends. Barely that in fact - they get along, share the rent and chores and study.

During dinner, Mother admires an item the lad has picked up for the kitchen: a lovely antique serving ladle - silver, with charming decorations. The young man explains he picked it up in an antique store because it reminded him of home.

Well, dinner was a great success and Mother went home, satisfied. After a while though, the lad realized he could not find the ladle anywhere. Not in the kitchen, not in the dining room. He was aghast - his own mother stole from him?

He sent a note to his mum, not actually accusing her but inquiring as to where the ladle went. The note ended:

“I’m not saying you took it and I’m not saying you didn’t, but if it was to be returned nothing more would be said.”

Mother’s return note was prompt:

“I’m not saying you are sleeping with her and I’m not saying you’re not, but if she was sleeping in her own bed, she’d have found the ladle.”
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Old 13th Aug 2020, 04:40
  #336 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: Southern Cosmos
Posts: 1
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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Old 13th Aug 2020, 16:47
  #337 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,378
Two old ladies meet in Heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching television.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive today!
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Old 15th Aug 2020, 15:45
  #338 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: near an airplane
Posts: 1,886
After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to “go forth and multiply.”

The ark quickly emptied, the except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, “We can’t multiply. We’re adders.”

Noah, being the resourceful man that he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.

And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
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Old 17th Aug 2020, 06:21
  #339 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: aurora borealis
Posts: 6
HARD WORK...

HARD WORK...
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:

What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

The Director asks in turn arrogantly:

Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

What is your name? –Asks the Director.

John Smith H.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

Do we have a client named John Smith H.?

Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:

I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.
I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.
Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple.

I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.
I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.

When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.
I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive
.
I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.
lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.

After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients
.
I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.


Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
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Old 20th Aug 2020, 01:35
  #340 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: aurora borealis
Posts: 6
The Young Boy in the Coffee Shop
A father walks into a coffee shop with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
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