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Divorce and Consequences

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Divorce and Consequences

Old 15th Jul 2013, 18:47
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Prince of Darkness
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Divorce and Consequences

Christ I have been active on PPRuNe recently!

Anyway, I went through a divorce last year. That was the easy part! 1 hour or more to get married. 15 minutes in front of a judge to get a divorce. I believe that should be reversed. Nevertheless.

I am now taking her back to court. She has set the kids against me. They do not reply to my emails or txts. Okay, they live with her, there is nothing I can do but reach out.

For those here who were, or are, divorced, how did you deal with this insane set of circumstances?

Cheers
Ozzy
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 18:59
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I was divorced about 30 years ago when my children were 9, 13 and 16 and have been happily (re)married for the last 26 years.

Fortunately the ex and I agreed BEFORE the divorce that whatever we felt about each other we would NEVER "slag off" the other one in front of the children, EVER use the children as weapons and ALWAYS be courteous to each in the presence of the children.

30 years on we have never broken these rules and both have great relationships with our children (now all married themselves). We also get on reasonably together with each other and each other's partners.

Have a meeting and try to set similar rules, whatever the cause of the divorce the children are not to blame and should have the opportunity to have good relationships with both parents without interference from the other.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:09
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Cheers Choxolate,

We did a mediated divorce and agreed to that about not using the kids as a communication medium, nor bad mouting either parent. She has now renegaded on the deal. Which is what pisses me off.

I appreciate you sharing.

Ozzy

Last edited by Ozzy; 15th Jul 2013 at 19:12.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:17
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I guess that some women just decide to use the children as weapons against men that they once (presumably) 'loved'.
It seems that no amount of money or property can halt this onslaught.

"Man" (in general, not specifically you) "you must've been evil towards her" . . .

Of course the circumstances surrounding separation and divorce vary, and by no means all women adopt this attitude towards their one-time spouses, but it does seem to be a pattern for life after marriage that predominates.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:20
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Sorry, can't help you, as when my wife divorced me, she divorced our only child as well. She left me and the kid.

No doubt I got the better deal. I've been married to my second wife for 21 years now, she considers my son as her's.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:20
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I think you will find it is not only women that use this tactic, or that is used more frequently be women than men - but that is in my experience of other divorced couples, your mileage may vary.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:23
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Ozzy: -We did a mediated divorce and agreed to that about not using the kids as a communication medium, nor bad mouting either parent. She has now renegaded on the deal. Which is what pisses me off.
Try again - what have you got to lose?
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:27
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Everyone is equal. So I understand how different sexes can adopt a similar approach. That, however, does not negate my pissed offedness

Ozzy

BTW, in other circumstances, she is a wonderful person!
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 19:30
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A large percentage of women will use any tactic at their disposal, this often increases when the woman is under financial pressure, self-inflicted or otherwise. Many women can also be deeply unforgiving and this selfishness can be exhibited by manipulating the children.

The "fall out" in terms of how it affects you and your children is of course one of the (if not the) biggest considerations for many when getting divorced.

Solutions? There are several. Hard line - take her to court and have regular time with your children formally endorsed. Softly - try and appease her (sometimes works) or a Middle Path - where you might begin by try to appease her and then threaten (and go through with it if you have to) legal action in order to get time with your kids.

Once you've set-up a regular routine of seeing your kids, forget about trying to talk about what the mother has said about you and don't fall into the trap of lowering yourself to their mother's standards of backbiting - instead just focus on making the time you have with your kids sincere and memorable. If you love them (which I'm sure you do) that will come naturally.

Wish you luck buddy.

HM
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 21:40
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I went to school with a girl whose mother did the same thing. Her dad never bought into it and was always well mannered about his ex wife.

In the long run his method worked. Though for a while the kids bought their mother's story, it didn't take long for them to work out the flaws, particularly as he didn't ever slag her off.

Dumb question; does she realise she's doing it? Have you spoken to her about it and said that you find it unacceptable?

Good luck, anyway.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 21:53
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Worrals in the wilds, I have tried. She refuses to talk!! She has blocked my phone numbers, she has blocked my text messages. WTF do I do unless drag her in front of a judge? She is not thinking....

Cheers mate
Ozzy
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 22:11
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What fun.
I guess it's a judge or mediator then, unless you have a mutual friend who's willing to try.
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Old 15th Jul 2013, 22:17
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Find a lawyer who specialises in male access. They do exist, and perhaps surprisingly many of them are women. I used to be married to one. You will probably need to use the courts, but as others have said, don't fall into the trap of descending to her level re the kids. They will appreciate your approach in the long run.
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 00:25
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don't fall into the trap of descending to her level re the kids
That's great advice. You keep your honor and high standards and ignore what you can't control. Your decency will ultimately shine through the mudslinging.
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 00:43
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George I had the right idea over divorce
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 01:34
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Ozzy:

Many years ago, when my daughter was just five, her mother and I divorced and I ended up moving to the USA from GB. I tried to be a good long distance dad. I visited bi-annually, never missed a Xmas, Birthday, Easter, child care payment, etc. but, for some reason I never got a response from my daughter. During a regular phone call I asked her mother why I never got a thank you letter or any other response. I was told she didn't have my address. I responded by pointing out that the return address is on every single letter, card and parcel I send. The response was "Oh, I just throw those away"...

I chose not to fight a battle and walked away cutting off the child support and any other contact knowing that if my daughter ever wanted to find me she would.

A few years ago, during a google search for something about my mother who my daughter was named for I stumbled upon my daughter's MySpace page and I wrote to her.

I can't say we have a close relationship but, despite the obvious bad-mouthing of me by her mother during her younger years, we have a very good relationship and meet every time I return home. Just two weeks ago we met at the funeral of the lady she was named for. It was a moving and emotional time for us both. The "lessons" she may have learned at the tongue of her mother are quite thoroughly gone...

Don't give up but be careful of the battles you chose to fight. If you can't win the war by direct action remember that children do have a desire to have both a mother and father and it's hard for one or the other to break that in them. But you might end up breaking it yourself if the battles you chose cause a direct affect on the child.

Good luck...
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 02:03
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Depends how old the kids are.

If they are very young and live with the old lady they'll be constantly
brainwashed by her and your out-laws as to what a huge bastard you
are, as they're too young to ken that there's another side to the story
(yours). Divorce is another form of war but fought on the battlefield
of emotion, and like war its dirty and brutal with the innocents used
as pawns. And like the Fog of war the lies and bullshit start as soon
as the opening shot is fired.

How to cope? Stick with a weekly email or Skype attempt and chip
away. In the end it might work out - or it might not. Never put down
the old lady if you're successful in contacting them - but stay away
from the bitch at all costs. If you live close enough go to every event
the kids have at school - and make sure they see you even if you are
ignored.

Don't forget Marriage is a lifetime bet you'll spend the rest of your life
with the same person. The odds are in your favor if you end up with
the one you're meant to be with (the minority) as opposed to the one
you settle for (the majority of marriages IMO).
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 03:09
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All good advice. I went to my eldest daughter's university graduation in May. The ex said I could not sit next to her (my ex and family) at the ceremony. So, I sat on my own. I then had 5 minutes with eldest daughter afterwards before she went off to lunch with the ex, my youngest daughter, and the MIL. I drove home by myself. Yep, not a dry eye in my house as they say.

Ozzy

Last edited by Ozzy; 16th Jul 2013 at 03:12.
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 03:39
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Hang in there, Ozzy. Keep doing the right thing.

Make sure your kids know you love them. It's important to both you and them. Repeat it over and over on email/twitter/text, whatever.

Our society tends to disregard and reject the contributions males, especially White males make. We're subject to ridicule in the media, bias in the courts, vilification in the schools, and other general cultural insults.

Remember, though, that we built a fine world and had the humility to hand it to the current powers who are destroying it.
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Old 16th Jul 2013, 05:15
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I went to my eldest daughter's university graduation in May
sounds like they are old enough to make their own decisions about the rights and wrongs of the cae
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