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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 24th Oct 2019, 07:57
  #13161 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 79
Posts: 16,757
Originally Posted by Torquetalk View Post
good to see a woman enjoying the ribald humor.
Mrs PN laughed too.
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Old 24th Oct 2019, 15:20
  #13162 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 82
Two women were playing golf. One teed off then watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please! Please! allow me to help. I'm a Massage Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain for you if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied, but was obviously still in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.
She administered gentle and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.....'

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Old 25th Oct 2019, 18:16
  #13163 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 2,159
Mr H was pulled over by the cops. Do you know how fast you were going?
No, but I know exactly where I am.

You were doing 80mph sir.
Bugger. Now I'm lost.

Boom boom!
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Old 26th Oct 2019, 16:40
  #13164 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 82
This one is family friendly as well

The scene is the Artic.
Daddy polar bear and his son are out for a walk. Dad sits on a lump of ice and sends the boy off to play.
A couple of minutes later, junior is back and says

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”
"Sure, son what is it?"
"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."
So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."
Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....
"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"
Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freezing! "
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Old 26th Oct 2019, 22:40
  #13165 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 1
Which reminds me.........

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Old 28th Oct 2019, 21:19
  #13166 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: At work (Often)
Posts: 20
Whats 4 inches long and drives women crazy?
An empty toilet roll.
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Old 30th Oct 2019, 09:45
  #13167 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 57
Posts: 302
Bloke goes to the doctor and complains that every time he goes for a pee, instead of stream of urine it seems to just shoot out in all directions. The doctor takes the bloke to the toilet in the surgery and asks him to demonstrate, and sure enough there is pee flying everywhere.

The doctor examines the mans penis very carefully, and notices lots of little holes through which the pee is escaping. He mentions this to the bloke who suddenly exclaims that he loves to play darts and used to carry his darts in his trouser pocket.

Mystery solved, the doctor goes back to his desk and starts to write a name and address on a piece of paper, saying "I suggest you go and see this gentleman, he will be able to help..."

The bloke asks "Is he a plastic surgeon?" The doctor replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll be able to show you how to hold it properly to block the holes....."
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Old 30th Oct 2019, 11:05
  #13168 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 58
Posts: 10,073

From today's Daily Telegraph...
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Old 30th Oct 2019, 15:19
  #13169 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 172
Was at a wedding at the weekend, very emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.
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Old 30th Oct 2019, 18:14
  #13170 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 1

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Old 31st Oct 2019, 10:47
  #13171 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: UK
Posts: 1,990
Ha ha ha !

I flew that aircraft and its sisters, and have therefore just lost my job, but that joke made me laugh out loud
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Old 31st Oct 2019, 14:18
  #13172 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: No longer in Jurassic Park eating Toblerone....
Posts: 2,677
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Corbyn.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative supporters."
Taken by surprise, Jeremy stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
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Old 31st Oct 2019, 15:10
  #13173 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 2,351
Apparently this ad ran back in the 00's (?) when people were still allowed to have a sense of humour....

Last edited by Private jet; 31st Oct 2019 at 15:42.
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Old 31st Oct 2019, 15:26
  #13174 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 2,351
"Week 56 and still not one tomato............"

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Old 31st Oct 2019, 15:36
  #13175 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 2,351
Thought of the day: Don't wait until you are on your death bed to tell people how you really feel about them. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger......
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Old 31st Oct 2019, 15:44
  #13176 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Hanging off the end of a thread
Posts: 23,893

Happy Halloween....
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Old 31st Oct 2019, 23:49
  #13177 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 417
The Old guy and the Hooker

An old man is walking in Perth and passes a hooker standing at her door.

She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He replies: "No girl, that's no longer possible for me."

Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!"
So, he made up his mind and they both go inside.

They undress and he performs like a young buck, 5 times in a row.

Oh, my goodness", says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that SEX was no longer possible for you?!”

Says the old guy: "Oh, the sex part is still going well, it's the PAYMENT that is no longer possible!

Old age and experience will always outdo youthful exuberance

(well, it is Friday!)
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Old 1st Nov 2019, 16:40
  #13178 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: UK
Age: 57
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by Private jet View Post
Apparently this ad ran back in the 00's (?) when people were still allowed to have a sense of humour....
it didn't.... Ad for used Aston Martins -> FAKE! » Aston-Martin.com
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Old 3rd Nov 2019, 15:46
  #13179 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 79
Posts: 812

Art & Science

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Old 4th Nov 2019, 11:52
  #13180 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
Age: 69
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by charliegolf View Post
Thanks, every day can be a school day here at times!
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