Friday Jokes
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: France
Age: 64
Posts: 40
This one is family friendly as well
The scene is the Artic.
Daddy polar bear and his son are out for a walk. Dad sits on a lump of ice and sends the boy off to play.
A couple of minutes later, junior is back and says
“Dad, can I ask you a question?”
"Sure, son what is it?"
"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."
So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."
Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....
"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"
Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freezing! "
Daddy polar bear and his son are out for a walk. Dad sits on a lump of ice and sends the boy off to play.
A couple of minutes later, junior is back and says
“Dad, can I ask you a question?”
"Sure, son what is it?"
"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."
So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."
Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....
"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"
Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freezing! "

Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 1,112
Which reminds me.........
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Bloke goes to the doctor and complains that every time he goes for a pee, instead of stream of urine it seems to just shoot out in all directions. The doctor takes the bloke to the toilet in the surgery and asks him to demonstrate, and sure enough there is pee flying everywhere.
The doctor examines the mans penis very carefully, and notices lots of little holes through which the pee is escaping. He mentions this to the bloke who suddenly exclaims that he loves to play darts and used to carry his darts in his trouser pocket.
Mystery solved, the doctor goes back to his desk and starts to write a name and address on a piece of paper, saying "I suggest you go and see this gentleman, he will be able to help..."
The bloke asks "Is he a plastic surgeon?" The doctor replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll be able to show you how to hold it properly to block the holes....."
The doctor examines the mans penis very carefully, and notices lots of little holes through which the pee is escaping. He mentions this to the bloke who suddenly exclaims that he loves to play darts and used to carry his darts in his trouser pocket.
Mystery solved, the doctor goes back to his desk and starts to write a name and address on a piece of paper, saying "I suggest you go and see this gentleman, he will be able to help..."
The bloke asks "Is he a plastic surgeon?" The doctor replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll be able to show you how to hold it properly to block the holes....."

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: No longer in Jurassic Park eating Toblerone....
Posts: 2,652
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Corbyn.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative supporters."
Taken by surprise, Jeremy stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Corbyn.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative supporters."
Taken by surprise, Jeremy stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 412
The Old guy and the Hooker
An old man is walking in Perth and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He replies: "No girl, that's no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!"
So, he made up his mind and they both go inside.
They undress and he performs like a young buck, 5 times in a row.
Oh, my goodness", says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that SEX was no longer possible for you?!”
Says the old guy: "Oh, the sex part is still going well, it's the PAYMENT that is no longer possible!
Old age and experience will always outdo youthful exuberance
(well, it is Friday!)
An old man is walking in Perth and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He replies: "No girl, that's no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!"
So, he made up his mind and they both go inside.
They undress and he performs like a young buck, 5 times in a row.
Oh, my goodness", says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that SEX was no longer possible for you?!”
Says the old guy: "Oh, the sex part is still going well, it's the PAYMENT that is no longer possible!
Old age and experience will always outdo youthful exuberance
(well, it is Friday!)

Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: UK
Age: 54
Posts: 111

Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
Age: 67
Posts: 369

Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Sydney Oz
Posts: 90
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties ?"
"Yes, she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that, I thought you were sitting on the cat."
The poor bastard never even heard the gunshot.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties ?"
"Yes, she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that, I thought you were sitting on the cat."
The poor bastard never even heard the gunshot.
