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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Aug 2019, 21:04
  #13021 (permalink)  

Only half a speed-brake
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Commuting home
Age: 42
Posts: 2,727
FlightDetent is offline  
Old 6th Aug 2019, 11:57
  #13022 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Station 42
Age: 65
Posts: 848
A pilot on layover walks past a sex club and sees a sign on the door that says 'Entry 50.00. Something New Every Night or Your Money Back.'
This looks very interesting so he pays the admission and is sent to a darkened room with benches and a small stage. He waits for a couple of minutes and then a short blue film comes on. When it's finished there's a drum roll and the spotlight comes on. What he doesn't expect is a small greased-up pig waddling onto the stage. He's furious but then he remembers the money-back guarantee and has to admit that he's never seen anything like this before. He's also got very tight trousers because of the film and quickly relieves himself with the porker.
The following night he decides to give the club another try, pays his fifty quid and goes back to the room. This time there are fifteen or twenty men sitting in the front row. He sits down with them, watches another short film and then the stage lights up to reveal half a dozen naked young women doing all sorts of things to themselves and each other.
'Wow, what a fantastic show,' he says, 'this place is brilliant, I've never seen anything like it!'
'That's nothing,' says the man next to him, 'Last night they had a guy f***ing a pig.'
stevef is offline  
Old 8th Aug 2019, 15:55
  #13023 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 175
Design Fail

Serious design fail here. Look at the expression on his face... Priceless!
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Old 10th Aug 2019, 00:57
  #13024 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Melbourne, Australia + Washington D.C.
Posts: 391
Heard at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

I had to choose a password 8 characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".
Okihara is online now  
Old 12th Aug 2019, 11:20
  #13025 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,327
Been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes 🍇

Its all about raisin awareness
racedo is offline  
Old 12th Aug 2019, 16:18
  #13026 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
Posts: 89

OPENDOOR is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2019, 19:44
  #13027 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,470
Scheduled my next physical, and found out from the clerk that I'd been assigned a new physician. A lady from Ukraine.

Doctor Tanya Heddenkov
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2019, 04:14
  #13028 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 17th Aug 2019, 02:40
  #13029 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Singapore
Age: 58
Posts: 386
What’s the difference between Simply Red and a bull?

The bull has the horns at the front and the a*hole at the back
Rush2112 is offline  
Old 20th Aug 2019, 13:09
  #13030 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,327
Friend starting a new job rang his blonde cousin, told he that she was down as next of kin contact in event needed.

She not happy. Said "Well what happens if I am doing something important when they call etc"

He justs said "Well I will probably be badly injured or dead in event they call you"

Her response "This is not about you this is about me, as I could be doing something important".

He changed it and added her sister instead.
racedo is offline  
Old 20th Aug 2019, 13:13
  #13031 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,327
Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel has won Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award with the niche culinary pun.

He took the title with the gag: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

Charity supporting Tourettes has complained and asked for an apology.

Personally don't see why they are having a nervous tic and shouting out uncontrollably about it.
racedo is offline  
Old 21st Aug 2019, 07:40
  #13032 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
In London,
A fifteen-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Arsenal Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 25th Aug 2019, 17:28
  #13033 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 27th Aug 2019, 17:36
  #13034 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed particularly, when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one precondition.

In a few minutes he returned. "Twould' be me pleasure to paint yer portrait,missus," he said .... “The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right but I have to at least leave me socks on; so, I have a place to wipe me brushes."*

T'is why we love the Irish
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 27th Aug 2019, 19:03
  #13035 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,206
He: Did you know that having sex is like running 6 miles?
She: Who the f*** runs 6 miles in 30 seconds?
LGS6753 is offline  
Old 28th Aug 2019, 07:51
  #13036 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
50,000 blondes have gathered for a huge convention. Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So she asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 28th Aug 2019, 10:37
  #13037 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 342
My friend studied archaeology at university for three years.
His career ended in ruins.
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 29th Aug 2019, 11:04
  #13038 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 1
A friend of mine, who has a stutter, was telling us about his nana.

By the time he was finished we were all singing Hey Jude
Billybondsballbag is offline  
Old 29th Aug 2019, 15:20
  #13039 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: England
Posts: 54
Georg1na is offline  
Old 31st Aug 2019, 21:27
  #13040 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  

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