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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Feb 2019, 13:40
  #12501 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Reading, UK
Posts: 10,507
Originally Posted by PDR1 View Post


Of course it would be even MORE amusing if they knew how to spell neighbour...

PDR
Presumably there wasn't room on the mug for the full rule which, as any English teacher would have told the potter, is " 'i' before 'e', except after 'c', but only when it rhymes with 'ee' ".

So the only word on the mug that breaks the rule is 'Keith', and we all know that Keiths won't be told.
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Old 3rd Feb 2019, 18:11
  #12502 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,131

Been having electrical problems and have run out of fuses. Anyone know the rating of 38 Specials?
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Old 3rd Feb 2019, 18:24
  #12503 (permalink)  
 
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Here's a handy guide
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Old 3rd Feb 2019, 19:32
  #12504 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
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Originally Posted by blue up View Post
Been having electrical problems and have run out of fuses. Anyone know the rating of 38 Specials?
The kids who ran the lighting gallery in the school hall did find that the fuses kept blowing at irritating moments, such as in the middle of a play, which they solved by replacing the fuses with lengths of 1/4" copper rod.
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Old 3rd Feb 2019, 22:06
  #12505 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Loughborough England
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Originally Posted by Hydromet View Post
On the egg theme...
A woman was walking out of the supermarket with an armload of groceries, when she heard the sound of smashing glass as a bottle of tomato sauce fell to the floor. As she looked over the top of the load, a couple of eggs also fell from her arms and smashed on the floor. "Oh no!" she cried, I've dropped it!" A shop assistant came scurrying up and said "Don't worry, it wouldn't have lived anyway, its eyes are too far apart."
The old ones will not lie down. That was going the rounds in my school in the fifties.
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 05:45
  #12506 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Moscow region
Age: 60
Posts: 508
On the subj. of post 12499 from PDR1 :-)

A tribe member asked for an appointment with the Chief and shared his concerns with him: "I don't like the names in our tribe, Chief..."

"What??? Don't you like my name - Proud Eagle?"
"I love it, Chief".
"Maybe you don't like the name of my daughter - Shining Moon?"
"I love it, Chief".
"Then, get out and keep working hard, Bull's Dick"

*****

Now from the pale-faced campus:

A New Year "corporate" party goes on in the Parliament. Having consumed enough spirits, PMs decided to have fun and organise a spiritualistic session. They invited a fortuneteller with her magic board. The question they asked was: "What is the best time to impose new taxes and start unpopular reforms? " The items on the boards started moving and composed the answer: "You'd better not make people angry at any time". PMs laughed and asked the second question: "And who are we communication with? Marx? Lenin? Mao?". The newly composed answer said: "No, we are Carl I, Louis XVI, Nicolas II".
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 06:18
  #12507 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
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...and for A Van, the punchline from yet another real oldie:

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 07:10
  #12508 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 602
A competition, perhaps, for the oldest joke around?
E.g.
"Me, Big Chief Running Water!"
"This, my son, Little Drip."
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 07:41
  #12509 (permalink)  
Drain Bamaged
 
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Originally Posted by jolihokistix View Post
A competition, perhaps, for the oldest joke around?
E.g.
"Me, Big Chief Running Water!"
"This, my son, Little Drip."
And his brother “perforated condom”
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 08:43
  #12510 (permalink)  
Man Bilong Balus long PNG
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Back in the land of the Rising Sun for another three months of Glider towing, eating great Japanese food, perving on lovely Japanese Ladies and continuing that search for a bad bottle of Red.
Age: 64
Posts: 2,527
“perforated condom”
Which reminds me of the two hoary old bits of graffiti I have seen on various 'franger' dispensing machines around Oz over the years..

"This is the worst chewing gum I ever tasted!"
and
"My Father says they don't work!"
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 08:55
  #12511 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by Pinky the pilot View Post
Which reminds me of the two hoary old bits of graffiti I have seen on various 'franger' dispensing machines around Oz over the years..

"This is the worst chewing gum I ever tasted!"
and
"My Father says they don't work!"
...and "For refund, insert baby here."
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 09:19
  #12512 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
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Use an old ice cream van to drive around town centre night clubs and pubs late at night as a mobile condom vendor. The legend on the side would read: "Buy me and stop one"...
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 09:33
  #12513 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
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OK, another oldie in the vein of
"This is the worst chewing gum I ever tasted!"
"That suppository tasted awful, and for all the good it did, I might as well have shoved it up my @rse.."
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 16:31
  #12514 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
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Posts: 990
Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 16:57
  #12515 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
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Old ones, you want old ones?
An excavation site somewhere in the middle east. I was going to say an archaeological site but I can't spell archaeological. Anyway, one of the diggers appears all flushed and excited saying,
"I now realise what this place was and what happened here thousands of years ago".
"Do tell" says a colleague.
"It was the site of an ancient fight" he says. "Look at this ancient piece of papyrus with writing upon it".
The writing translated read
"Five shekels win, Goliath".
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 18:46
  #12516 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
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A newlywed couple from England spend their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. While his new bride is unpacking in their honeymoon suite, the young groom goes out of the Hotel to find a suitable restaurant for their evening meal. He finds a suitable place and across the street he sees an unusual shop sign: "Chief Bald Eagle, Memory Man - He Knows Everything".
Intrigued, he pays his dollar, goes in and asks Chief Bald Eagle "who won the first English FA Cup Final football match?". The Chief draws thoughtfully on his pipe and says "Wanderers v Royal Engineers, 1872 - Wanderers win one-nil". Stunned, the groom returns to his new bride and bores her all evening with how amazing this Chief Bald Eagle is.
Twenty-five years later, they go back to celebrate their anniversary and to the groom's astonishment, amid radical changes to the rest of the area, Chief Bald Eagle is still there in the same shop. He pays his ten dollars, goes in and respectfully greets the old Chief with a raised hand and the word "How". The old Chief squints at him through a wreath of pipe smoke and says "From a corner".
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 20:32
  #12517 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
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Originally Posted by Pinky the pilot View Post
Which reminds me of the two hoary old bits of graffiti I have seen on various 'franger' dispensing machines around Oz over the years..

"This is the worst chewing gum I ever tasted!"
and
"My Father says they don't work!"
On a condom machine in a pub close to work; "I f machine does not dispense do not bang."
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Old 4th Feb 2019, 21:02
  #12518 (permalink)  
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The 'chewing gum' story genuinely happened on my first school trip to Heidelberg.
Nobody had seen condom machines - and the machine promised 'gummi' which the chivalrous young man offered to the young ladies (schoolgirls) in our party.
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Old 5th Feb 2019, 04:22
  #12519 (permalink)  
Man Bilong Balus long PNG
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Back in the land of the Rising Sun for another three months of Glider towing, eating great Japanese food, perving on lovely Japanese Ladies and continuing that search for a bad bottle of Red.
Age: 64
Posts: 2,527
and the machine promised 'gummi' which the chivalrous young man offered to the young ladies (schoolgirls) in our party.
And what happened after that, G-CPTN?
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Old 5th Feb 2019, 05:38
  #12520 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Search me - I only just got out of bed ....
Age: 74
Posts: 456
On a condom machine in a South Australian roadhouse toilet:

"The management will refund 50c for each one of these appliances returned in good order and condition..."
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