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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Jan 2019, 17:26
  #12421 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Jan 2019, 22:34
  #12422 (permalink)  
 
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Old 15th Jan 2019, 07:00
  #12423 (permalink)  
 
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Old 16th Jan 2019, 19:17
  #12424 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
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Thought that these true stories of 2019 might amuse you:-

1. Heading in the TVR for the RV with my climbing partner en route to Glen Coe, I thought that the superb sub-zero conditions might be a little tough on him in the open car (he is even older than I). So I tried to erect the roof whilst waiting at the RV point. After a hard struggle, there was a sharp crack and the cold/brittle plastic rear window shattered. Erecting the roof then became much easier, but it was a draughty trip without the window.

2. Arriving at the mountain summit a few hours later, a bold raven remained on the cairn as we approached. "Look, a hungry raven," I said. And when we moved off to a better viewpoint, the raven followed us. "I told you it was hungry," I said. A few minutes later it flew off like the classic stork delivering a baby - but the plastic bag hanging from its beak contained no baby, it was my packed lunch! Doh!!

3. Now awaiting the third disaster of 2019!
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Old 16th Jan 2019, 22:17
  #12425 (permalink)  
 
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Old 17th Jan 2019, 09:05
  #12426 (permalink)  
 
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Old 17th Jan 2019, 09:49
  #12427 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 77
Posts: 16,725
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
Ivan readies the portable fog horn device

Last edited by Pontius Navigator; 17th Jan 2019 at 10:51.
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Old 18th Jan 2019, 13:42
  #12428 (permalink)  
 
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Old 18th Jan 2019, 19:08
  #12429 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
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Another one from the 70s:

A man goes into a Lada showroom and says he's interested in buying a new Lada. Negotiations go well, and just as the salesman is about to shake hands on the deal he says:
"Hang on, there's something I have to ask you. Have you been circumsized?"
The customer is a bit taken aback, and says, "Yes".
"Well, I'm sorry sir, I'm not allowed to close the deal. You have to be a complete prick to buy a Lada."
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Old 19th Jan 2019, 00:44
  #12430 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 15:49
  #12431 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 18:07
  #12432 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Cayley's County - Yorkshire
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 22:27
  #12433 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
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CAEBr: Smashing! Made I larff!
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 22:53
  #12434 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Jan 2019, 11:26
  #12435 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
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I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
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Old 21st Jan 2019, 12:35
  #12436 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Jan 2019, 23:09
  #12437 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Northern Victoria
Age: 77
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing widow."
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Old 22nd Jan 2019, 08:26
  #12438 (permalink)  
 
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Old 22nd Jan 2019, 10:15
  #12439 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
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Art imitating life, Ricardian. Mrs. Hydro was a pre-school teacher. Once, she needed to know the given name of one of the kids' father. She asked the kid what daddy's name was: "Daddy". What does mummy call Daddy?: "D!ckhead.".
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Old 22nd Jan 2019, 10:41
  #12440 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: No longer welcome status
Posts: 40
Following on from the Eels in The Thames getting high on Cocaine there was a story of the WW2 fisherman who caught eels in the Thames Estuary.
/
On one occasion he caught a large eel who was seen as a delicacy in certain Hotels. Sadly whe he got it on board a boat hook sliced it in 2 and he saw his chances of a bumper catch gone as efforts to join them together didn't work.

Sitting head in hands he heard voices and looked up and the Eel cut in 2 was talking to him.

Don't worry about joining us together as that will happen,that Vera lady is always singing about it.

"Eel meet again, don't know where, don't know when but I know eel meet again some sunny day."
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