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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Jan 2019, 07:06
  #12421 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Moscow region
Age: 61
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
...... "We have his signed confession" .
That's much cooler than mine, thanks! Changing the topic a little bit.

On information security
A boss of a big company is retiring and giving some advices to his successor: "If you don't sleep with your secretary, somebody else sleeps with her. This means that this someone knows your secrets. Thus, sleeping with the secretary is not just a whim or caprice, but an important business process."
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Old 14th Jan 2019, 08:12
  #12422 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 398
THE END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads:

"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say:




"BRIDGE CLOSED"?
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Old 14th Jan 2019, 09:33
  #12423 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Liverpool
Age: 44
Posts: 470
An old Russian/Soviet joke:
Having saved for fifteen years, guy goes into the Moscow Lada dealership. 'Yes, you have enough to buy a brand new Lada', says the dealer. 'It's exactly four years delivery from today.'
'That's fine', says the guy looking at his diary, 'Morning or afternoon?'
'Well', says the dealer, 'Afternoon but how can it matter?'
'Phew', says the guy, 'That's a relief because I've got the plumber coming first thing...'
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Old 14th Jan 2019, 10:35
  #12424 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 14th Jan 2019, 17:26
  #12425 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 14th Jan 2019, 22:34
  #12426 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 15th Jan 2019, 07:00
  #12427 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
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Old 16th Jan 2019, 19:17
  #12428 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 80
Posts: 43
Thought that these true stories of 2019 might amuse you:-

1. Heading in the TVR for the RV with my climbing partner en route to Glen Coe, I thought that the superb sub-zero conditions might be a little tough on him in the open car (he is even older than I). So I tried to erect the roof whilst waiting at the RV point. After a hard struggle, there was a sharp crack and the cold/brittle plastic rear window shattered. Erecting the roof then became much easier, but it was a draughty trip without the window.

2. Arriving at the mountain summit a few hours later, a bold raven remained on the cairn as we approached. "Look, a hungry raven," I said. And when we moved off to a better viewpoint, the raven followed us. "I told you it was hungry," I said. A few minutes later it flew off like the classic stork delivering a baby - but the plastic bag hanging from its beak contained no baby, it was my packed lunch! Doh!!

3. Now awaiting the third disaster of 2019!
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Old 16th Jan 2019, 22:17
  #12429 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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Old 17th Jan 2019, 09:05
  #12430 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 17th Jan 2019, 09:49
  #12431 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,580
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
Ivan readies the portable fog horn device

Last edited by Pontius Navigator; 17th Jan 2019 at 10:51.
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Old 18th Jan 2019, 13:42
  #12432 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 18th Jan 2019, 19:08
  #12433 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,110
Another one from the 70s:

A man goes into a Lada showroom and says he's interested in buying a new Lada. Negotiations go well, and just as the salesman is about to shake hands on the deal he says:
"Hang on, there's something I have to ask you. Have you been circumsized?"
The customer is a bit taken aback, and says, "Yes".
"Well, I'm sorry sir, I'm not allowed to close the deal. You have to be a complete prick to buy a Lada."
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Old 19th Jan 2019, 00:44
  #12434 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 15:49
  #12435 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 18:07
  #12436 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cayley's County - Yorkshire
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 22:27
  #12437 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 72
Posts: 679
CAEBr: Smashing! Made I larff!
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Old 20th Jan 2019, 22:53
  #12438 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 21st Jan 2019, 11:26
  #12439 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
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I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
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Old 21st Jan 2019, 12:35
  #12440 (permalink)  
 
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