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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 8th Jun 2012, 10:40
  #1221 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Singapore
Age: 60
Posts: 389
Originally Posted by Lon More View Post
Give your favourite politician a slap here
I had to search around until I found the unctuous B-Liar, and have now punched him so many times I have RSI... It was worth it.
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 12:22
  #1222 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 77
Posts: 175
TAZE THE B*ST*RD... TAZE HIM!




Brings a whole new meaning to 'Mounted Branch.'

Last edited by Tigger4Me; 8th Jun 2012 at 12:23. Reason: Format
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 12:49
  #1223 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 2,130
Is that a policewoman underneath, or is the horse a queer?

CG
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 13:51
  #1224 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Global Vagabond
Posts: 631
Them's Irish Coppers and that's a Pikey nag...
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 14:51
  #1225 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 67
Posts: 623
Probably wind up with a hung jury as well.
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 15:56
  #1226 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 340
Joe was an accomplished golfer, but at 80 years of age he had to face the fact that his playing days were numbered.

The chief problem was his eyesight, and after a particularly frustrating round he told his wife he was quitting.

"Oh, that's a shame, darling," she replied. "Why not take your brother-in-law Ted with you next time. I'm sure he could help."

"No, that wouldn't do any good, he's 90 years old, after all."

"Yes, darling, but his eyesight is perfect."

"Oh, that's true I suppose," Joe replied and resolved to take Ted with him to the golf course the following day.

The next day, Joe watched the ball leap from his club after a healthy swing off the 1st tee, but quickly lost sight of it.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law.

"Of course I did, I have excellent eyesight" replied Ted.

"Well, where did it go then?"

"I can't remember."
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 21:46
  #1227 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 45
Posts: 13
Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"
Wife replies "Kowanini!"
Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"








And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.
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Old 8th Jun 2012, 23:20
  #1228 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 0
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.
Well I'm not leaving until you translate it for us
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Old 9th Jun 2012, 13:08
  #1229 (permalink)  
Lee
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Singapore
Posts: 168
The Husband Store

The Husband Store [http://phocks.org/stumble/husband-store.php]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
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Old 9th Jun 2012, 22:56
  #1230 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 70
Posts: 174
So the royal corgis are really pleased that Prince Phillip has been released from hospital.
At least they wont get blamed for peeing on the sofa now.
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Old 9th Jun 2012, 23:31
  #1231 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: engineer at large
Posts: 1,409
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.
Well I'm not leaving until you translate it for us
loma,

I am with you!

(I got drunk, and that didnt help me figure it out)Friday
(I am getting drunk, and still that didnt help me figure it out)Saturday

ps If I need to be sober to figure this out, well, that just wont work for me...

Last edited by FlightPathOBN; 9th Jun 2012 at 23:32.
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Old 9th Jun 2012, 23:59
  #1232 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 82
Posts: 1,167
loma & FP

Well, you two may have to stay for awhile:

The first word Sukitaki, a Filipino word..
The second word Kowanini, a Filipino word.
The next series Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo, Swahili words
The next series Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji, Filipino words
The last series kina tim kouji, Somewhere in the Universe words

Truly a Universal joke!
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 00:06
  #1233 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Leicestershire, England
Posts: 1,170
A Yorkshire man's dog dies and, as it was his favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue of it made by a Jeweller to remember the dog by...

Yorkshireman: "Nah then, can tha mek us a gold statue oft yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Certainly sir, do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No yeh daft [email protected], chewin't bone!"

-RP
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 00:09
  #1234 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Leicestershire, England
Posts: 1,170
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet...

Yorkshireman: "Ay up lad, ah need to sithee abaht me cat"

Vet:" OK, is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: " No, av brought it wi me..."

-RP
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 05:33
  #1235 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somerset
Posts: 63
The England team visited an orphanage in Poland.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Dariusz, age 6.
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 05:43
  #1236 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Gods Country
Age: 51
Posts: 181
In Court the Judge says to a double-homicide defendant.

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,


"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 05:44
  #1237 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Gods Country
Age: 51
Posts: 181
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were

Blowing your horn,

Flipping off the guy in front of you

and

Cursing a blue streak at him.



I noticed the

'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,

The 'Choose Life' license plate holder,

The 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,

and

The chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,

Soooooooooooooo-o naturally....I assumed

You had stolen the car.''

Priceless.
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 05:46
  #1238 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Gods Country
Age: 51
Posts: 181
FORGOT MY GLASSES

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 80 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
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Old 10th Jun 2012, 21:01
  #1239 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: The right side of the Pennines
Age: 72
Posts: 146
A Yorkshireman takes his.............. etc.
Nah ! Nah !

Last edited by YorkshireTyke; 10th Jun 2012 at 21:02.
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Old 11th Jun 2012, 09:15
  #1240 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: dublin
Age: 72
Posts: 671
this was yesterday - before Croatia rang rings around us and now we have to play Spain and Italy - Mon Dieu !

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