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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Dec 2018, 12:34
  #12341 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 13th Dec 2018, 19:40
  #12342 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Kelowna Wine Country
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God rest you merry gentlemen,
Let none of you diss May.
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Old 13th Dec 2018, 19:55
  #12343 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: elstree
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Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
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Old 16th Dec 2018, 03:50
  #12344 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
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Ouch!

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Old 16th Dec 2018, 09:15
  #12345 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
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Harry Redknapp is reportedly earning 500,000 for his appearance on Im A Celebrity, which after tax, works out as 500,000!
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Old 16th Dec 2018, 09:18
  #12346 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
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My missus ran at me with a knife last night screaming, "Golf, golf, bloody golf is all you think about you selfish git!".

I was absolutely terrified...you don't expect to meet anybody on the ninth green at 10.30pm.
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Old 16th Dec 2018, 09:53
  #12347 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
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Old 16th Dec 2018, 13:40
  #12348 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
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Not one single card from any of my Ethiopian friends.

Do they know it's Christmas?
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Old 16th Dec 2018, 15:45
  #12349 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
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Old 17th Dec 2018, 15:47
  #12350 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,001
The Special Animal Programme

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he begins thinking about his dire situation. He hatches a plan. He calls home.

"Dad," he says to his father, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the son says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

Read!?" says his father, taken aback. "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he ponders his problem, again and again, he comes up with a plan. He finds the dog a new home and gives him away to a loving family. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does. Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"

The father went white, then red, then exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks that trash to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
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Old 19th Dec 2018, 17:11
  #12351 (permalink)  
 
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Do you know what a palmist once said to me? She said: "WILL YOU LET GO!"
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Old 19th Dec 2018, 19:25
  #12352 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Dec 2018, 04:10
  #12353 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 416
"A Most Exciting Xmas Present"


A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.



All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
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Old 20th Dec 2018, 14:00
  #12354 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
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Old 20th Dec 2018, 14:28
  #12355 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 20th Dec 2018, 20:52
  #12356 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
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It's Christmas time again so I think a warning about drink/driving is in order as the Police are out there checking people and in any event, it's a pretty unsocial and dangerous thing to do.
I was out for a drink a few years back. One thing led to another, I had a few too many beers and then went on to the whisky. I knew I was over the limit so I decided to leave my car at the pub and take a bus home. Sure enough, on the way I passed through a police check point where they were pulling dozens of drivers over and breathalysing them. The bus of course was just waved past so I got home safely and without incident......which was surprising really as I've never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
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Old 21st Dec 2018, 05:13
  #12357 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Dec 2018, 16:14
  #12358 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
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First image of the DRONE deterrent system being deployed at Gatwick.
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 05:06
  #12359 (permalink)  
 
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 07:13
  #12360 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 60
Posts: 328
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
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