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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Oct 2018, 15:26
  #12201 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
Most Scottish cuisine seems to be the results of a dare...
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Old 21st Oct 2018, 19:12
  #12202 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 256
Sallyann1234, outstanding!
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Old 21st Oct 2018, 23:00
  #12203 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 22nd Oct 2018, 15:22
  #12204 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set. So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.
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Old 22nd Oct 2018, 17:00
  #12205 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Permanent Newbie
Posts: 49
Jamal Khasoggi rang Saudi Embassy to say he would be late for his appointment................................ they told him not to lose his head about being late.

Too soon ?
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Old 22nd Oct 2018, 23:57
  #12206 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the workshop, Prune-whispering.
Age: 67
Posts: 740
Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
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Old 23rd Oct 2018, 00:10
  #12207 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: America's 51st State
Posts: 203
What is the difference between a porcupine & a BMW?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside...
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Old 23rd Oct 2018, 05:16
  #12208 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
New Ryanair surcharges:

Not being seated next to someone of a different race ...... 30
Not being seated next to someone of a different religion...50
Not being seated next to someone obese ......75
Not being seated next to your wife........100.
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Old 23rd Oct 2018, 19:29
  #12209 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Saratoga Springs, NY
Age: 65
Posts: 53
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Old 23rd Oct 2018, 20:28
  #12210 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.






Husband's Diary:
A one-foot putt! Who the hell misses a one-foot putt?
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Old 24th Oct 2018, 10:48
  #12211 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
It's not so easy as you think to donate a kidney.

They ask all sorts of awkward questions, like, " Where did you get it?" and "Whose is it?"
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Old 24th Oct 2018, 13:16
  #12212 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cayley's County - Yorkshire
Posts: 115
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Old 24th Oct 2018, 17:53
  #12213 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
Can you take skin from your buttocks and transplant it onto someone who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.
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Old 24th Oct 2018, 18:13
  #12214 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 407
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Old 24th Oct 2018, 18:23
  #12215 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: apogee
Age: 65
Posts: 59
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?


Aye matey.
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Old 25th Oct 2018, 06:57
  #12216 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 56
What did the cowboy say in the German car dealership?

Audi.
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Old 25th Oct 2018, 10:42
  #12217 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Permanent Newbie
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by hiflymk3 View Post
What did the cowboy say in the German car dealership?

Audi.
There was that famous War Hero and Movie Star from 40' and 50's...........

Audi Murphy
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Old 25th Oct 2018, 10:46
  #12218 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
I've just opened the first day panel on my Diane Abbott advent calendar.
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Old 25th Oct 2018, 14:52
  #12219 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,296
and of course that famous cowboy and horse duo ... Tomixen cement
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Old 25th Oct 2018, 15:50
  #12220 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 56
Not forgetting the Lone Ranger Rover and sidekick Tontoyota
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