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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 11th Oct 2018, 22:22
  #12181 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
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Old 13th Oct 2018, 07:29
  #12182 (permalink)  
 
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As the roar of the Soyuz rocket faded into the distance, propulsion technician Sergei started to pack his toolbox. The big adjustable wrench was missing and he thought to himself, "Mikael must have borrowed it again".
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Old 13th Oct 2018, 12:57
  #12183 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
I took the wife to the Doctors today because she desperately needs to lose some weight.

The Doctor said to her "Don't eat anything fatty"

She said "What, you mean like sausages and bacon and stuff?"

He said "No. Don't eat anything, fatty"
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Old 13th Oct 2018, 14:25
  #12184 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Earth
Posts: 495
Him: I'm coming over!

Her: We should stop using walkie-talkie's in bed over.
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Old 14th Oct 2018, 13:09
  #12185 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
If you get a really good Crematorium do you call it the Crem De La Crem ?
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Old 14th Oct 2018, 18:50
  #12186 (permalink)  
 
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Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 14th Oct 2018, 19:10
  #12187 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 68
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Old 14th Oct 2018, 19:43
  #12188 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 16th Oct 2018, 16:27
  #12189 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 16th Oct 2018, 19:28
  #12190 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.
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Old 16th Oct 2018, 19:40
  #12191 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
The last surviving Japanese soldier from WWII has emerged from hiding in the Borneo jungle.

Asked what kept his spirits up during over seventy years of isolation, he said that he never gave up his dream of one day returning to his home town, Fukushima.
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Old 17th Oct 2018, 07:49
  #12192 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Posts: 18
Maybe so that he could get one of these...
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Old 17th Oct 2018, 07:53
  #12193 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,179
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked..."Is my time up?"
God said..."No...you have another 43 years...2 months and 6 days to live."
Upon recovery...the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift...liposuction...breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live...she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation...she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home...she was killed by an ambulance !!!
Arriving in front of God...she demanded... "I thought you said I had another 43 years... Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied..."I didn't bloody recognize you."
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Old 17th Oct 2018, 13:00
  #12194 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 17th Oct 2018, 13:28
  #12195 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 17th Oct 2018, 20:42
  #12196 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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An ingenious father but a daughter who is less than impressed
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Old 18th Oct 2018, 15:48
  #12197 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: BRISTOL
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Whoever stole my anti-depressants..........I hope you're happy now.
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Old 18th Oct 2018, 15:57
  #12198 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
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Tail of mouse, eye of cat.
Head of newt and wing of bat.
Tongue of toad, ear of dog.
Skin of snake and leg of frog.

No..it's not a witches' potion, it's the reason the council shut down our local kebab shop.
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Old 19th Oct 2018, 07:57
  #12199 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
Chromosomes, a beginner's guide:

XY = Male
XX = Female
YYY = Delilah
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Old 20th Oct 2018, 10:27
  #12200 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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