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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Sep 2018, 15:58
  #12101 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 3rd Sep 2018, 16:07
  #12102 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
When I was a kid my mate lived in a castle.

On his birthday his dad hired him a bouncy council estate.
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Old 4th Sep 2018, 06:19
  #12103 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
Woman: "If I ever get Alzheimer's, I don't want to become a burden on you and you should take me to one of those suicide clinics".

Husband: "That's the fifth time you've said that today".
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Old 4th Sep 2018, 09:33
  #12104 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know for sure yet, but it really made a hole in Juan."
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Old 5th Sep 2018, 09:46
  #12105 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
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Old 5th Sep 2018, 13:38
  #12106 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery," he answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry...what was it he said," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"
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Old 5th Sep 2018, 22:11
  #12107 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 5th Sep 2018, 23:27
  #12108 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
Posts: 3,431
Originally Posted by Nigerian Expat Outlaw View Post
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery," he answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry...what was it he said," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"
I do explain to my passengers who aren't used to light aircraft that if I start swearing at myself they shouldn't worry, it doesn't necessarily mean we're going to crash, it probably simply means that I did something a little less neatly than I think I should be capable of.
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Old 6th Sep 2018, 00:59
  #12109 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Balikpapan, INDONESIA
Age: 68
Posts: 579
Hot off Quora - Michael Lorton
A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”

“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”
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Old 6th Sep 2018, 10:35
  #12110 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
Italian Fidelity

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom," she said, "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me!"

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my fiancé’s entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old 7th Sep 2018, 06:02
  #12111 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 417
The inventor of the Crossword recently died.
They buried him:

Four Down
One Across
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Old 9th Sep 2018, 08:33
  #12112 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him:
'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.

'What do they say?' the priest asked

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying.. That phrase...in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered.
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Old 11th Sep 2018, 07:45
  #12113 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Pewsey, UK
Posts: 1,939
Mr Smith goes to the doctor to hear his wife's test results. When he gets there, the doctor admits to a little "problem".

"What's the issue, doc?" he asks.

"Well, we've got the results for you wife, Mrs Smith, and another Mrs Smith mixed up."

"Why's that a problem?" asks Mr Smith.

"Well", says the doc, "one has Alzheimers and one is HIV positive and we don't know which is which."

"So how can we find out?", Mr Smith asks, a little nervously.

"On your drive home, drop your wife off about 4 or 5 miles from where you live. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her."
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Old 12th Sep 2018, 10:14
  #12114 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
Two men died and went to heaven.
God greeted them upon their arrival and said, “I’m sorry gentlemen but your mansions aren’t ready yet, Until they are, I can send you back to earth as whatever you want be.”
The first man said, “God, I want to be an eagle soaring above the scenery.”
“No problem”, said God and then POOF, he was gone!
Turning to the other man, he asked, “What do you want to be?”
With a huge grin on his face he said “I’d like to be a cool stud!”
“No problem,”said God and the man was gone.
A few months later, when their mansions were ready God sent an angel to fetch them.
“They’ll be easy to find,” said God.
“One will be soaring above the Grand Canyon and the other one is on
a snow tire somewhere in Detroit !”
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Old 13th Sep 2018, 16:39
  #12115 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
Old Age

I recently started at a new G.P. practice and went for an over 50 health check.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the Doctor said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 85 ?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor ?"

"Oh, not much grog these days and don't smoke" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued ribs ?"

'I said, "Not much. My former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex ?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why the f**k do you want to live to 85 ?"
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Old 13th Sep 2018, 18:56
  #12116 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
I impressed my history teacher today with my knowledge of Galileo..

I already knew that he was just a poor boy, from a poor family.
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 11:45
  #12117 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 449
Is the definition of an Essex Girl a no-brainer?
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 16:41
  #12118 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Oh my word!
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 17:12
  #12119 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,407
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post

More likely he is telling them that they are missing a "conditioning" vial in one of the seat pockets
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 18:57
  #12120 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Probably not PC anymore
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