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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 21st Aug 2018, 12:13
  #12061 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her knickers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so ******* shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 21st Aug 2018, 18:50
  #12062 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Pewsey, UK
Posts: 1,950
Originally Posted by Espada III View Post
I was there last night and he told it well; he brought the house down.
I went to see Rob Auton - I wish his line had made it into the list:

I've found a brilliant way to meet new people. I've started hanging around maternity wards.
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Old 21st Aug 2018, 21:42
  #12063 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 78
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 23rd Aug 2018, 06:41
  #12064 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
Lovely memories of Eton College in my youth. The clear waters of the lake, the perfectly manicured lawns, the cool shade of the weeping willows and the caretaker shouting.. "Get lost you ruffians, this is private property"!
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Old 23rd Aug 2018, 09:24
  #12065 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 57
Posts: 19
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I’m ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won’t hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she’s vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I’m trying to watch ‘Match of the Day’, but I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. Tomorrow she’s putting a wardrobe together from IKEA but I keep telling her she’s using the wrong type of screwdriver which means it will take her longer and my tea will be even more delayed.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his bottom with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
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Old 23rd Aug 2018, 14:53
  #12066 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 78
Posts: 811
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the buggers have already managed to nick a motorbike."
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Old 23rd Aug 2018, 21:28
  #12067 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 81
Posts: 135
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Old 23rd Aug 2018, 21:31
  #12068 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 697
I know it's been on here before but......
Two scousers die and arrive at the golden gate of heaven, requesting Peter that they be given entry.
Peter decides to consult higher authority so goes and has a word with big G, who decides to let them in.
Soon after Peter returns to big G who asks if they entered OK.
"No" said Peter, "they have gone!"
"What the Scoucers" retorted big G.
"No. the gates" replied Peter.
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Old 23rd Aug 2018, 21:52
  #12069 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 69
Posts: 174
Dear Aldi

Last week I purchased some of your "smart buy" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had bloody fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom.
So what exactly is "smart" about "smart buy"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a sodding prostate exam.The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply. I even took a long hard look at the toilet brush.I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!Yours truly,
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Old 24th Aug 2018, 09:20
  #12070 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 78
Posts: 811
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Old 24th Aug 2018, 15:13
  #12071 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canadian Shield
Posts: 536
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
That's the best one for me... still smirking.
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Old 24th Aug 2018, 16:23
  #12072 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,288
Homoeopathy is the air-guitar of medicine...

[my doctor, with the patient before me this afternoon]

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Old 24th Aug 2018, 16:53
  #12073 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 0
A friend of mine missed a dose of his homeopathic medicine - he had to be rushed to hospital and treated for an overdose.
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Old 24th Aug 2018, 21:42
  #12074 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 78
Posts: 811
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Old 24th Aug 2018, 22:35
  #12075 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Exit stage right.
Posts: 288
During Sex you should stop and be absolutely still for 30 seconds...............

When she gets concerned and asks why........

Just tell her you see it on Computer Porn all the time, its called Buffering
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Old 25th Aug 2018, 22:21
  #12076 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 171
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Old 26th Aug 2018, 04:13
  #12077 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by PDR1 View Post
Homoeopathy is the air-guitar of medicine...

[my doctor, with the patient before me this afternoon]

Paying a homoeopathic doctor: dip a £50 note in a glass of water for a couple of seconds, hand the glass of water to the doctor and say "keep the change".
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Old 26th Aug 2018, 04:22
  #12078 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 163
The homeopathic emergency department according to Mitchell and Webb

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Old 26th Aug 2018, 18:17
  #12079 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,288
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.
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Old 27th Aug 2018, 08:35
  #12080 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 78
Posts: 811
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