Friday Jokes
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
It was only after the school teacher had allowed a pupil to go home because their mother was in hospital and their father was in the police station that another pupil told the teacher that the first pupil's mother was a nurse and her father was a policeman.
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Moscow region
Age: 61
Posts: 524
The picture (a few posts above) with a lady who does not know how many people will be travelling with her in "that f-airplane" reminded me another one of that kind:
A policeman stops a car exiting a tunnel with all the lights off and asks a lady driver: "Why have not you switched the lights on before entering the tunnel?"
She answers: "Why the hell shall I do it? I even do not know where is that f-switch in this your f-tunnel !"
A policeman stops a car exiting a tunnel with all the lights off and asks a lady driver: "Why have not you switched the lights on before entering the tunnel?"
She answers: "Why the hell shall I do it? I even do not know where is that f-switch in this your f-tunnel !"
Last edited by A_Van; 12th Aug 2018 at 18:42.
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,167
A teacher asked her young class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.
Not really knowing what a Corbyn fan was, all the children raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he hadn’t raised his hand
He said, "Because I'm not a Corbyn fan."
The teacher then asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Corbyn?"
Little Johnny replied, “Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked, "Why are you Conservative?”
He said, “Well, my Mum’s a Conservative, my Dad’s a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Somewhat rattled by this answer, the teacher said, “If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
"That would make me a Corbyn fan."
Not really knowing what a Corbyn fan was, all the children raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he hadn’t raised his hand
He said, "Because I'm not a Corbyn fan."
The teacher then asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Corbyn?"
Little Johnny replied, “Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked, "Why are you Conservative?”
He said, “Well, my Mum’s a Conservative, my Dad’s a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Somewhat rattled by this answer, the teacher said, “If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
"That would make me a Corbyn fan."
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
I was reading an article last night about strengthening the bond between fathers and sons.
Memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Then I got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like it - so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and with cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push his pram home!
Memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Then I got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like it - so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and with cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push his pram home!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,400
What radio call does Tinkerbell make when having trouble while flying?
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Pan, Pan, Pan ..
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Shamelessly borrowed from a funny post by ORAC.
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Pan, Pan, Pan ..
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Shamelessly borrowed from a funny post by ORAC.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
These were judged to be the best jokes at this years Edinburgh festval fringe, starting with the winner...
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." Adam Rowe
"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx
It must be the way they tell them!
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." Adam Rowe
"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx
It must be the way they tell them!
