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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Aug 2018, 20:50
  #12041 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
If a man walking along the street sinks his teeth into a dog it's worthy of making the news. The other way around, it's just a bit pedestrian.
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 09:51
  #12042 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 77
Posts: 811
As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 13:28
  #12043 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 17:34
  #12044 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
I've made it.

Well I've actually made 80 today, thought I never would get this far.

My philosophy;

Never look back
Never pass a toilet
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection.
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 19:51
  #12045 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 0
Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.

They've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 20:23
  #12046 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: South Oxfordshire
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by funfly View Post
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection...
... even if you are alone!

[Billy Connolly]
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 21:33
  #12047 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 01:34
  #12048 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 172


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Old 16th Aug 2018, 11:00
  #12049 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 11:55
  #12050 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 172
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 13:27
  #12051 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 356
Brilliant! I might try it, but with the real thing. Too many of the vermin fouling my garden.
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 17:48
  #12052 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,363
A teacher asked her young class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.

Not really knowing what a Corbyn fan was, all the children raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he hadn’t raised his hand
He said, "Because I'm not a Corbyn fan."

The teacher then asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Corbyn?"
Little Johnny replied, “Because I'm a Conservative."

The teacher asked, "Why are you Conservative?”
He said, “Well, my Mum’s a Conservative, my Dad’s a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."

Somewhat rattled by this answer, the teacher said, “If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,

"That would make me a Corbyn fan."
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 19:37
  #12053 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
I was reading an article last night about strengthening the bond between fathers and sons.
Memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Then I got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like it - so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and with cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push his pram home!
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Old 18th Aug 2018, 13:24
  #12054 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
This morning my wife told me, "Sex is definitely better on holiday."

It wasn't the most uplifting postcard I've ever received.
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Old 18th Aug 2018, 16:24
  #12055 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,623
What radio call does Tinkerbell make when having trouble while flying?
.
.
..
Pan, Pan, Pan ..
.
.

Shamelessly borrowed from a funny post by ORAC.
.
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Old 20th Aug 2018, 06:16
  #12056 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
These were judged to be the best jokes at this years Edinburgh festval fringe, starting with the winner...

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." Adam Rowe

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

It must be the way they tell them!
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Old 20th Aug 2018, 23:52
  #12057 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 0
Daily Mail Online: “Masturbation may help prevent the common cold”.

I hope so... I’ve got no tissues left.
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Old 21st Aug 2018, 09:09
  #12058 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Green and pleasant land
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Old 21st Aug 2018, 09:48
  #12059 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: North West UK
Posts: 531
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
These were judged to be the best jokes at this years Edinburgh festval fringe....

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

It must be the way they tell them!
I was there last night and he told it well; he brought the house down.
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Old 21st Aug 2018, 13:09
  #12060 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....
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