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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 12th Aug 2018, 14:33
  #12041 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
It was only after the school teacher had allowed a pupil to go home because their mother was in hospital and their father was in the police station that another pupil told the teacher that the first pupil's mother was a nurse and her father was a policeman.
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Old 12th Aug 2018, 18:32
  #12042 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Moscow region
Age: 61
Posts: 530
The picture (a few posts above) with a lady who does not know how many people will be travelling with her in "that f-airplane" reminded me another one of that kind:

A policeman stops a car exiting a tunnel with all the lights off and asks a lady driver: "Why have not you switched the lights on before entering the tunnel?"
She answers: "Why the hell shall I do it? I even do not know where is that f-switch in this your f-tunnel !"

Last edited by A_Van; 12th Aug 2018 at 18:42.
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Old 14th Aug 2018, 15:24
  #12043 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
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Old 14th Aug 2018, 20:50
  #12044 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,215
If a man walking along the street sinks his teeth into a dog it's worthy of making the news. The other way around, it's just a bit pedestrian.
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 09:51
  #12045 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 13:28
  #12046 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 17:34
  #12047 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
I've made it.

Well I've actually made 80 today, thought I never would get this far.

My philosophy;

Never look back
Never pass a toilet
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection.
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 19:51
  #12048 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 0
Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.

They've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 20:23
  #12049 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: South Oxfordshire
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by funfly View Post
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection...
... even if you are alone!

[Billy Connolly]
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Old 15th Aug 2018, 21:33
  #12050 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 01:34
  #12051 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 167


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Old 16th Aug 2018, 11:00
  #12052 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 11:55
  #12053 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 167
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 13:27
  #12054 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 335
Brilliant! I might try it, but with the real thing. Too many of the vermin fouling my garden.
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 17:48
  #12055 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,179
A teacher asked her young class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.

Not really knowing what a Corbyn fan was, all the children raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he hadn’t raised his hand
He said, "Because I'm not a Corbyn fan."

The teacher then asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Corbyn?"
Little Johnny replied, “Because I'm a Conservative."

The teacher asked, "Why are you Conservative?”
He said, “Well, my Mum’s a Conservative, my Dad’s a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."

Somewhat rattled by this answer, the teacher said, “If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,

"That would make me a Corbyn fan."
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Old 16th Aug 2018, 19:37
  #12056 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
I was reading an article last night about strengthening the bond between fathers and sons.
Memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Then I got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like it - so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and with cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push his pram home!
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Old 18th Aug 2018, 13:24
  #12057 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,215
This morning my wife told me, "Sex is definitely better on holiday."

It wasn't the most uplifting postcard I've ever received.
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Old 18th Aug 2018, 16:24
  #12058 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,448
What radio call does Tinkerbell make when having trouble while flying?
.
.
..
Pan, Pan, Pan ..
.
.

Shamelessly borrowed from a funny post by ORAC.
.
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Old 20th Aug 2018, 06:16
  #12059 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
These were judged to be the best jokes at this years Edinburgh festval fringe, starting with the winner...

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." Adam Rowe

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

It must be the way they tell them!
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Old 20th Aug 2018, 23:52
  #12060 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 0
Daily Mail Online: “Masturbation may help prevent the common cold”.

I hope so... I’ve got no tissues left.
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