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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 5th Aug 2018, 20:05
  #12021 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 92
Pawpaw was on his death bed, and he called me in to give me something. Reaching into his old kit bag he produced a beautiful engraved Walther pistol. He said, "I want you to have this, and keep it close". I said, "gramps, I don't like guns, and I don't need one. But - I would really just like your family pocket watch if you don't mind". He gave a shake of his head, "boy, you still selling tractors and on the road a lot - yes?" I said yes. He said, "you still got that real pretty little wife". I was pleased he noticed, and said; "yes, she is very beautiful."

So he looks me in the eye with a squint and says: "Boy-chick, some day you gonna come home early and find that pretty little wife in bed with another man. What the hell you gonna do then? Get out your pocket watch and shout 'TIME'S UP!". I took the pistol.
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Old 6th Aug 2018, 11:09
  #12022 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
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Old 6th Aug 2018, 12:48
  #12023 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 55
Posts: 302
An old native american couple were being interviewed by the local news team, and the reporter asked the old bloke his name. "my name is Eagle Claw, and this is my wife, Four Ponies". The reporter was trying to impress the old woman so he turned to her and said "What a wonderful name, so evocative"

The old bloke leant forward and said "That's her official name, but in reality its nag, nag, nag, nag...."
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Old 6th Aug 2018, 22:20
  #12024 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 917
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=...v=tuB5I2qICS8#
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Old 8th Aug 2018, 00:25
  #12025 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 56
Posts: 34


Thuggies!
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Old 8th Aug 2018, 20:33
  #12026 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 411
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Old 8th Aug 2018, 22:52
  #12027 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: elstree
Posts: 19
Paddy and Seamus have just sat down in a swanky French bistro when a very attractive Mademoiselle approaches their table......

"Bonsoir Monsieurs, what can I...err....interest you in tonight?"

"How about a quicky?" suggests Paddy

The visibly upset waitress throws a pitcher of Evian in Paddy's face, gives him a right hander and storms off through the swing doors into the kitchen.

"Paddy!" says Seamus " It's pronounced 'Quiche' you ****ing eejit!"
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Old 9th Aug 2018, 10:42
  #12028 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 9th Aug 2018, 11:01
  #12029 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 10th Aug 2018, 15:59
  #12030 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 10th Aug 2018, 21:29
  #12031 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 10th Aug 2018, 21:52
  #12032 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 56
Posts: 34
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Old 10th Aug 2018, 23:30
  #12033 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Gods Country
Age: 50
Posts: 181

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

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Old 11th Aug 2018, 11:49
  #12034 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,013
Newfies......

A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie-Jane told him so.

He explained to Herb that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.

After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Herb that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.

"On your first day you completed 4 miles of road on your second day 2 miles of road and now on day 3 you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"
"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."
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Old 11th Aug 2018, 15:03
  #12035 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 56
Posts: 34
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Old 11th Aug 2018, 15:43
  #12036 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Okay A Bit East
Age: 76
Posts: 133
Couple were sitting in a bar reminiscing over their 50 years of marriage when the man said do you
remember the first time we had sex, oh yes said she and I remember where as well, lets go
back there and do it again for old times sake!
Man sitting nearby thought this sounded interesting and followed them to the spot and was just in
time to see them get started.
At first it was all quite sedate as expected from a couple of their age but then they really
started thrashing around and providing the onlooker with a really unexpected and very graphic
performance, when they had finished and were lying exhausted the man impressed with their
stamina took his leave, if he had waited a bit longer he would have heard one of them say to the other,
that bloody electric fence wasn't there the last time was it!
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Old 12th Aug 2018, 13:56
  #12037 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 12th Aug 2018, 14:33
  #12038 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
It was only after the school teacher had allowed a pupil to go home because their mother was in hospital and their father was in the police station that another pupil told the teacher that the first pupil's mother was a nurse and her father was a policeman.
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Old 12th Aug 2018, 18:32
  #12039 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Moscow region
Age: 62
Posts: 547
The picture (a few posts above) with a lady who does not know how many people will be travelling with her in "that f-airplane" reminded me another one of that kind:

A policeman stops a car exiting a tunnel with all the lights off and asks a lady driver: "Why have not you switched the lights on before entering the tunnel?"
She answers: "Why the hell shall I do it? I even do not know where is that f-switch in this your f-tunnel !"

Last edited by A_Van; 12th Aug 2018 at 18:42.
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Old 14th Aug 2018, 15:24
  #12040 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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