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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 7th Jul 2018, 08:04
  #11961 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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A must-read book for breeders of budgerigars.
"Budgerigars - their breeding and training" by Hugh Zapritti-Boyden
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Old 7th Jul 2018, 13:17
  #11962 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
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Old 7th Jul 2018, 13:27
  #11963 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
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A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she"s a big football fan and supports Liverpool.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn"t you raise your hand?"
"Because I"m not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies.
The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I"m a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies.
The teacher can"t believe her ears. "Mary, how come you"re a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London"s East End and are West Ham fans, so I"m a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that"s no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don"t have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I"d be a Liverpool fan."
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Old 7th Jul 2018, 13:58
  #11964 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 264
Sign in a Dublin shoeshop. Buy one get one free.
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Old 8th Jul 2018, 17:56
  #11965 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 8th Jul 2018, 17:59
  #11966 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 9th Jul 2018, 16:29
  #11967 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
A pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was gruelling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he wasn't a spy.

The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refuelled his plane and let him go having made him promise never to return.

Four hours later he returned and landed again. Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.

"I know I promised never to return but I have my wife with me and you have to tell her where I was all night."
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Old 9th Jul 2018, 20:50
  #11968 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
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Old 10th Jul 2018, 14:51
  #11969 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 10th Jul 2018, 15:57
  #11970 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.
Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.
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Old 10th Jul 2018, 16:32
  #11971 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 men had applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Rabbi. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked the Rabbi to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. He opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went the Rabbi's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked the Rabbi, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
The Rabbi replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."
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Old 10th Jul 2018, 21:39
  #11972 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 10th Jul 2018, 22:07
  #11973 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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This my friend's epipen. He insisted that I take it. I will cherish it always. It was the last thing he gave to me before he died.
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Old 11th Jul 2018, 17:10
  #11974 (permalink)  
 
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Old 11th Jul 2018, 20:30
  #11975 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 11th Jul 2018, 20:57
  #11976 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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News Flash: A Chinese clothing manufacturer is looking to offload a cancelled order from England for 50,000 waistcoats.
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Old 11th Jul 2018, 21:59
  #11977 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 12th Jul 2018, 18:49
  #11978 (permalink)  
 
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Old 12th Jul 2018, 19:58
  #11979 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Peter and Paul were two brothers who basically ran the organized crime in the city. Peter died and Paul went to the local Catholic Priest and promised him a donation of $1 million if he said that Peter was a saint. The priest said that he couldn't do that, so Paul said "either you take the million and say Peter was a saint or I will kill you and every member of your parish. Seeing it as the lesser of two evils, the priest promised he would say that "Peter Scarli was a saint" in his sermon.
At the funeral, the priest stood in the pulpit and said: "You all know what kind of man Peter Scarli was. He was evil and twisted. He ran drugs, prostitution, gambling and most of the vice in this city. He had people killed and killed with his own hands. But compared to his brother, Paul, Peter Scarli was a saint!"
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Old 12th Jul 2018, 22:44
  #11980 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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